Broken

I feel very broken today. I am sure many people going through IF feel this way but today I feel it 10 times worse than ever before. It is cd17 and I have had two temp spikes but my temp refuses to stay up for more than days and thus Fertility Friend isn't seeing an O pattern. Also the stupid OPKs are refusing to work for me. I may never see a positive anything!!!! DH and I have been having some great sex but all the sex and wonderful swimmers in the world won't help if I don't Ovulate. I have been so worried about my temp I am barley sleeping which makes the whole charting thing even more imposable. I just feel broken and defeated.I am wearing my Angie bracelet today to help but even it seems to be letting me down today.

To make it all worse R is not ready to see an RE. He is ready to be a father but not get treatment. I am devastated in many ways about this. He said is is ready to actually talk to someone about what his SA means and so on the 2nd he will call his Dr and get a referral to the Urologist. Also next cycle I will get an HSG (if stupid Kaiser will get me in for the appt). I am looking forward to at least getting some answers. At least that way if my tubes are blocked or something is REALLY wrong we will know.

I am just sad that it couldn't be easy. Why can't I be one of the fertile mertiles?

Insensitive comments

This is the third time I have sat down to write today and hopefully this time I won't be interrupted and will get to finish the post!

I hate it when people ask "when will you have a baby". I hate it for so many reasons but when it comes out of the mouth of R's family I hate it the MOST! Not because they are awful people (because they are awful and that would be a perfectly good reason to hate them) but because they all lack empathy.

Example 1:

Back in November or October R's cousin threw a B-Day party for her 4yr old. It was a two hour drive away and his dad wasn't going and we had plenty of other things to do but we went because it was the nice thing to do. While there I met C. C had just adopted a little boy and he melted my heart the moment I saw him. C and I bonded and I told her about us. She has become a huge support and understand IF in detail because she battled it for 10 YEARS. That day R's family kept asking us about kids.

First his cousins asked and when I replied with "I don't know" she pressed the issue I told her "M, I really don't know. I want to go do grad school and R wants us to do a little traveling so I really don't know". All of this with in earshot of all his aunts and uncles. She drooped the subject but wasn't pleased that I didn't have a specific time frame. I blew off her disappointment only to have the same question asked by R's Non-aunt Ruth, who I hate!

Ruth thankfully didn't push the subject to much and let me go with a simple "not in 9 months, but we will tell you when it happens". But latter that day as we were all trying to leave his non-uncle who everyone calls his uncle Al asked us again about babies. R told him we had other things planned first thinking he would let it go but he didn't. Al berated us about kids. I finally just walked away. It was awful.

Example 2:

What made it worse was two week later at Thanksgiving he asked again. I got mad and said none of your business, but he continued I told him he was being rude and her continued I told him to shut the F up and told his wife Ruth he was being an ass but he continued. I now official am avoiding Ruth and Al. R understands and is okay with it, or at least he is trying to be. He is kinda torn on the subject to be honest. He thinks Al is an asshole and jerk but also wants to see his family. Sadly Al is at most family functions. :(

Example 3:

Christmas eve dinner, R's cousin-in-law, Drew (not his real name) and I are talking about his sis, who I will call C, who I mentioned above. All of a sudden he says "C, didn't want to do IVF because of the risk of twins" which I know isn't the real reason because her and I have talked about it. He goes on to say that "40% of people who do IVF have twins". At which point I tell him he is highly mistaken because success rate of IVF is about/lower than that a cycle.

He got all defensive about it and I tell him he is welcome to look it up. So we look it up and what do you know I am right! (I bet you knew that was coming.) Then in front of EVERYONE, except of course R, he says loudly "How did you get to be an expert on IVF" I told him I had two Internet friends who were doing IVF right now an waiting to find out if it worked. (you both know who you are!) He said "are you sure you aren't infertile??"!!!!

I was shocked and responded "we wouldn't know because we aren't trying yet" Shortly after I excused myself because I just needed to take a breath of fresh air since I was completely shocked and overwhelmed by the situation.

What bothered me the most is that of ALL the people in R's family HE should have been sensitive after all his SISTER just adopted and battled IF for 10 years! Ten years and he didn't learn to be sensitive to her feelings. Good grief!!!

As you can see R's family is a bunch of insensitive imbusauls! I have every right to hate them and never want to see them. R is of course very supportive of me not wanting to see them thankfully.

Sometimes I wish people had a little empathy button I could push or a mute button so that they wouldn't say mean and insensitive things.

PICS

I want to share some pics of our family. The first is our little Gemma, her full name is Miss Gemma Mia, and she is part mancoon. She is HUGE and she growls when she doesn't like things. The first 9 months we had her she growled at everthing. In the pic she is hiding under our covers. Gemma is deffinatly R's little girl.

2nd pic is Isabella. She is my little princes and such a mommy girl. Her purr sounds like a stem train with a hicup. She and Gemma are our 'twins' since they look so alike. Issabella was found at Walmart and had the tip of her tail cut off by machinery there. However it healed well and now enven the Vet can bearly tell it ever happened.

The third pic is of Gemma again and in this one you can actually tell her and Isabella apart..... okay if you are me, R or my mom you can tell them apart.

Fourth pic is R and I at the wedding. I really didn't want to pose like this but now I love it! We even have a big one on our wall.

Cycle update

I decided to go ahead and temp this cycle. I hate it but since opks just don't come up positive, even though I do O on my own, I kinda have to if I want to confirm I O. Plus my OB told me she doesn't like having to confirm O every month via blood work. My responce "well if you hadn't told me how 'unreliable' charting was I wouldn't ask for it every month!" So I am charting becuase I know it is proving to be accurate, at least for me. If I don't see a O then I will call for a P4 test.

I am on CD 10 now. DH and I are preparing for X-mas and I just might O on X-mas with the way this cycle is looking. A baby concived on X-mas is getting my hopes up too high. I have already figured out that the baby would be due about September 20th and I didn't even have to go to a pg calculator! Also I could still go to BIL's wedding if pg this cycle which makes R very happy. It would be wonderful to get pg now, but alas I know better than to go down that path.

Sadly that is really about it from the IF front. I still haven't heard back from the RE and am looking into other clinics as well. If you live in the Bay Area of CA and know of a great RE let me know.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

When Friends Don't Understand

My best friend Shannon and I have only been BFF's for a little over a year now. She is wonderful in so many ways but she has no idea what IF feels like. She is a few years older than me single and while she wants a child one day, she has mentioned a few times that a bio child isn't something she is all that interested in. So my overwhelming urge to be a mother is kinda foreign to her.

A few weeks ago i was trying to explain IVF to her. She listened and seemed to understand what I was saying until we got to ICIS and genetic testing parts. Then she said "so you could chose what gender you wanted" And I said well not really but using technology you could see what genders the embies were and then hypothetically only put in the boy or girl ones, however I doubt a Dr would let you unless for medical reasons do that" She concluded the conversation with the statement that she would totally do IVF if it meant she got to have the sex she wanted.

Hearing that a little part of me died inside. She really has no idea what she is talking about. No idea at all about IVF and the torcher that the 2ww after one is. She also has no idea that they can fail! And while a part of me understands that given where she is in life that her lack of understanding is normal. A big part of me wants to curl up and not see her for a while.

That makes me sad. I knew all of this was effecting my friendships but I had no idea how much. I am sorry to say that while the pain of her comment has faded, I still am reluctant to see her. She is supposed to come over on Friday but I don't think I can do it. I just can't deal with more people who don't understand this weekend. I already have to see R's family, I think that is enough tourcher.

I just called the RE

OMG we are going to see an RE!!! I hope they call me back!

Rapid vs Sluggish motility???????

So I had thought that other than the white and red blood cells everything was OK with DH, well that is mostly true. From my understanding Motility is broken down into parts rapid forward progression, sluggish (slow) forward progression and two other parts that aren't good motility and don't matter for this post. DH's total motility is 80% which is GREAT and when I say this I was thrilled. I thought great no worries, we take care of the infection and bam we will get pg. HOWEVER most of that is rapid forward about 70% of it. Which I think is great since it should be above 25% BUT his sluggish progression which the paper says should be above 50% is only 10%. UH OH!

I have googled for hours and posted 3 diffrent posts on thenest about this. I still have no answers. All the things google gives me are about how great rapid progression is. And that it is the two combined that matters, but the little voice in my head won't shut up. "this is wrong" it says.

We have a Dx!!!

AF showed yesterday and while I am very bummed about the fact that I am once again Not Pregnant, in a way I was very happy to see that AF had in fact come by herself and only a day late rather than the week or more that I had convinced myself she could be.

See, since I found out I really don't have PCOS and that my first few "normal" cycles that were anovulatory were just me coming off BCP and that now I really O on my own. I have been wondering when the other shoe will drop. I keep thinking what else is wrong with me or is going to need to be fixed in order to have us get pg. I already didn't cycle for 9 months, then found out I had a lining issue that the OB was able to resolve quickly. Once I was getting AF on my own and regularly I was anovulatory and possibly mild PCOS. Then I Oed but maybe it was weak. Nope my O looks good and two other Drs opinions say I don't have mild PCOS. So what the hell is the issue with me!?!

Three months ago when I met C, adoptive mother to J, she said "40% of the time it is him" and my response was "I really hope it isn't". Because as strong as R is, for him a MFI would be a crushing ego blow. I mean it would devastate him. And I really wasn't sure I could handle losing the man that has become my rock. I didn't even know how I would be able to emotionally support him if in fact our issue was his semen. Because while I know I could handle it being me. I thought the world would crush him if it was him.

Well today his SA came back and most of it is normal.
Count= normal
Motility= normal
Morphology= normal

But he does have red and white blood cells in his SA. This is a sign of infection. Of all issues MFI this is the one thing I know R can handle because it is easily treatable. So now we have a Dx and while it is the one I had prayed for so long it wouldn't be. It is actually a best case scenario. DH and I will most likely get pg on our own with just the help of antibiotics! And I have a feeling even stupid Kaiser who doesn't cover ANYTHING IF related will cover antibiotics!

17dpo & BFN

17dpo 3:40pm still no AF. Decided to test....... BFN So why the Fucing hell isn't AF here!?! Seriously WHY hasn't she shown yet?

IVF blogs

Good news! Both K and A have made it to ET! Both have 2 embies inside them right now and hopefuly they are making nice homes for themselves.

I checked thenest for K's update today every hour and since I spent the afternoon with my Mom she knew what I was doing. When K finally posted I read it and then so did my mom. Then She read A's blog, all of it and then the rest of K's too. She read it and asked for some clarifacation but for the most part she just took it all in. I am sharing this because now I know that if I have to do IVF ever my mom will have a sense of what that means. At least a little sense of it. Thank you K and A for being honest about what IVF is like in your blog. Thank you for sharing!

In other news:

I woke up last night with cramping, it quite possibly was brought on by my intense orgasm but it freaked me out. A few hours latter I thought I had begun AF but nope so far she isn't here yet. Tomorow she is officially due, and I am dreading it. R really wants me to test but I am so scared. SOOOOOO scared. I just don't think I can handle a -. I want to wait till at least Friday.

People who KNOW

For weeks R and I have been discussing "coming out" to family and friends, and slowly I have been. My BFF, S, and her sis both know and have known forever. As has my mom and my sis (along with her hubbs and children). Then I told D, mom to twins and a singleton, who did IVF and while she hated being pg, she loves being a mom. She offered me the name of her clinic when/if it came down to IVF. Last week I told my maid of honor from the wedding, L, she handled it well. No "relax" and for that I was so thankful for.

And now my mom has told Grandma W, her mom. At first when she told me she had mentioned it to Grandma I was a little upset. After all this woman had 6 kids and needed NO Help getting pg. She always told me Grandpa just looked at her. So I was very nervous when mom said she told her. But from my understanding Grandma handled it well. Even offered to head 'over the boarder' for the expensive injectable drugs. I of course laughed at this. I can just imagine my 80 yr old grandma going into a Mexican drug store and asking for one of the many drugs made from pee! I mean she is spunky and very cool for 80 but can you imagine someone doing that??? Well she said she would! And I am very thankful for that. I have no idea if Grandma W mentioned "relaxing" "vacation" or tilting my hips and I told mom I didn't want to know if she had. I just want to be thankful for her willingness to help. For her grasping the idea of us needing drugs and then finding a way to help us.

Now that most of my family know R has to decide if/when to tell his family. I told him the other night that I refuse to go to anymore family events where Ruth and Al are. They are his father's best friends, and each time we see them they push the subject of kids. I have tried witty comments, tried telling them to please back off, tried telling them that when it happens we will let them know. But they insist of not just asking about it every time we see them but also bereading (sp?) us about it. I am personally sick of it and so is R. Thus we will not be doing the Crab Feed in January that his dad throws. R is fine with this, in a way I think he is relieved. Relived that I won't be leaving there in tears.

Of course if we get our BFP this week then maybe we will go. Yes that is right it is testing week. R has suspicion that I should be testing right about now and keeps dancing around the subject. I wonder how many other t-ttc girls do this, try and confuse thier DH that testing time isn't till later so that maybe they can suprise them with a BFP? I think he thinks I already tested and am just saving him the pain of saying it was negative. But I haven't tested yet! I am 15dpo and haven't yet tested. AF isn't due yet so I don't feel the need. So I'll test on Saturday because then she will be actually late. Wish me luck!?!

GL to all those in the 2ww!

A hard day.

Waiting in line at Safeway, I glanced in the direction of the rag mags and was faced to face with Britney Spears. Asomming she did something stupid I read the title "Proof She's PG". My heart sank. I tried to look away only to find "Anglinina regrets (one of her kids)". I stood there and felt helpless, stranded and alone. I knew that stitisticly someone else in that store is just like me but still not knowing 'who' that was made me feel empty. Today I think I realized I really could end up deciding to live childless, and for me that is the most depressing thought on earth.

Today was a hard day.

That is the Question!

Tomorow is 14 dpo and a pg test should be about 98% accurate acording to my box under the sink. My LP is 16 days normally so that still leaves quite a few days till AF is 'late'. So the question is "Should I test?" This is always my question at this point in the cycle and while some cycles I have waited and others I haven't I must admit I don't think either is easy.

If I test.... then my head will know for sure, but my heart will hold out hope and still wish it were +.

If I don't test.... I will continue to be positive, and continue to get my hopes up higher and in a few days the let down will be intense.

And this is what goes on in my head over and over and over again. I know I won't test unless I get the test out tonight, so maybe I just won't get it out...... but then again I really want THIS to be the month.


GRRRRRR!

Uggg!

So there are some people in blogger/t-ttc/thenest land that I feel much closer to than others. People who I pray by name for. People who I believe will make great parents and who deserve nothing less than to accomplish their dreams. And sometimes they get great news. Like Twiglet's mom, and other times.... well other times there news just sucks and I feel as if I personally have been delt the blow.

K, is going through a really tough time at the moment. They only retrieved 5 eggs, it isn't nothing but still 8 is the min doctors like to see and I know she is devastated and trying really hard to remain positive. I want K to get to be a mom because that is her dream, and I know that like me she won't be okay unless she has a child. So tonight I will pray for K and if you read this, please pray for her too.

FAITH

Forget About It, Trust HIM

This is my new motto. My new everything. DH and I are very diffrent religously, as in I am religous and he isn't. It can be hard at times to be this split about something like that but most of the time it is fine. So while this is my new motto, it isn't OUR motto.

SA

Yesterday was R's 33 B-day! I am married to an old man!!! R always takes his B-day off, something about "you can't boss me on my B-day". Well because of timming this cycle. His B-day also ment SA day. YUP my hubby jearked into a cup as part of his B-day celebration.

And it was AWFULL!

I mean pure torture for BOTH of us. I knew he would have some performance anxiety but I didn't exspect for me to. After all it isn't like I had to do much. But still I found the whole procces dreadful. We should get the results back in a few weeks. Hopefully we won't need them!

The rest of the day went very well. We had a great time in 'the city' (San Francisco) and saw Kooza by Circus De Soileil, which we both loved. Tonight I am taking him to the Melting Pot, becuase he has been asking to go for months.

Small Miracles

Today a local t-ttc nestie had her u/s at 8 weeks. Two weeks ago she had spotting and the u/s didn't reveal much good news. Today she is on track and the HB sounded good. I cried when I read her update but the tears were tears of joy for her. Back when she got her + I was having a really hard week. Her good news kept me sane. When i was upset and thought it might never happen I concentrated on her. When she spotted and didn't see anything on the u/s my heart sank and my hope was gone. I am so thankful that her baby is okay, I know she isn't out of the woods yet and can't wait till she is out of the 1st tri and 'safe'. Thank the lord for this small and yet incredible miracle!

long LP = Delima of when to test

Some days I wish my LP was normal. I know I am SOOOO lucky not to have and LPD and have it be short but seriously the three extra days of waiting kill me. I am 9dpo and like most cycles this is where hope turns to anxiety. I just want to KNOW already. I know I could test early but that always ends badly because it makes me so sad. I am trying to decide when to test. I am thinking not till after AF is due. I so rarely make it that long though. AF is due the 13th. So if I can hold out till the 14th I have a high chance of being pg if she isn't here yet. However there is no way I am going to make it that long. My BFF Shanshan is right, I will probably test Monday.

A note to F&F

It is 7dpo and so far I haven't had time to obsess. I am to sick and to involved with the holidays. R's B-day is this Thursday which is 10dpo but I WILL NOT be testing for fear of a BFN. R is clueless about how far through this cycle we are so that helps keep me from talking about it. I hope to be testing next Thursday when I am 4 days late and truely pg.

In other news, our good friend, S, lost her mom. S is flying out to the bay area tonight and hopefully we will get to spend some time with her. R has already decided we will go to the funeral for moral support and while I HATE funerals, I will go. I already told him I can't go up to the casket and he said that was fine. wheew I am glad that wasn't an issue for him. If you can sind positive thoughts to S and her family that would be nice of you. Thanks.

Now on to an actual blog post:



This was posted on one of the boards by Bridgette and then posted by leah (baily baby) and I have copied and pasted it here because it is WAY better than anything I think I could ever write to my family and friends. For those of you who haven't read it before please read. It is worth it, even though it is a massive read.



Dear Family and Friends,

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.


You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.


My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.


My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?


My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.


My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.


My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.


My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.


My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.


Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.


You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.


I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind.

I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually, I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.


I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.


I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.


I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.


I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.


I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.


I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.


Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.


Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.

Follow up

I need to follow up on my Jon and Kate plus 8 post. I had mentioned that over the summer a set of sextuplets had been born and none had made it. I was wrong. One did make it and while currently he looks healthy the long term effects of being a preemie have yet to be determined. There is a high likely hood this child will not have normal development. While that would prove my point that IF should be covered so people don't take risks like this. I am NOT a cold heartless B!tch so please pray that he is okay and a lucky little boy and does not have any mental delays.

Next follow up still has to do with the Jon and Kate post. If you are reading this and going through IF I URGE you to talk with your husband about selective reduction. No one wants to talk about it but we all need to. I hope none of us ever has to make that choice but the reality is that some IF patients do have to make that choice and it is good to have a little info and an idea of where each of you stand on the idea BEFORE it is a life growing inside you. I am now steeping down from the soapbox.

Getting love from my Nesties

I have been really jealous lately on my local board of all the BFPs and since I have 'friends' on that board I have refused to leave. I also refuse to let IF determine what I do. Today I was feeling really down because we have had a BUNCH of BFPs from people on their 1st or 2nd cycle as well as people who have just thrown caution to the wind. I wouldn't wish IF on anyone but would it be so hard for people not to say "My DH has supper swimmers" when they get pg on the first try.

Anyway this all leads up to a post about "whose next" on the local baby board, all the mama's start saying all these people who have 1 or 2yr olds. And no one wanted it to be them. So I threw my hat in the ring and posted "Asking for baby dust" here is what happened:

http://talk.thenestbaby.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=37536223



I knew there was a reason I love my local girls!

Jon and Kate plus 8

There are few shows on TV about IF that piss me off more than this one. Yes I think that PP has done an awful job of showing the IF side of things, and that HBO show about sex has a couple that are just mean to each other and undergoing IF treatments. But Jon and Katie take the cake for me.

My first grip is that they did IUIs not IVF yet everyone I talk to, that doesn’t suffer from IF, seems to think they did IVF. This is simply not true people! High order multiples are almost non existent in IVF couples because no RE in their right mind put that many back. Sure triplets happen in IVF because sometimes one cell will split and form identical twins and other times 3 are put back and all stick. Hell I know RARE occasions when they put back 4 but not 6! Nope no respectable RE would put back in 6 or more! And the average they put back in is two. Yup two!

Second grip about the show: The fact that all six made it is a miracle! If you watch the show closely she actauly had 7 originally but one died before the end of the first tri. But still the fact that 6 grew inside her for as long as they did and then came out and survived those first few months is a miricale. If you followed the news this summer you will remember that two sets of sextuplets were born. Both sets were VERY premature and sadly none of them survived. I have no idea what the chances of a women giving birth to 6 babies at once are and having them ALL survive is but let me tell you it is RARE. There is a reason they have a TV show about it!

Third grip: This actually isn’t about the show at all it is about medical insurance. I have never been able to run the numbers but since I have a background in policy analysis I can pretty much guess with certainty that covering IVF would be cheaper than dealing with the HOM that a result of IUIs. IUIs are more likely to be covered by insurance than IVF and yet there is a higher risk of HOM with them which can cost thousands and thousands of dollars to treat because of long NICU periods and developmental delays that are common with HOM that are premies. It would make more since to cover the IVF which are more likely to work and succeed in healthy viable pg with little/no risk of HOM.

I am going to get off my soapbox now.

Fear

Shhh Don’t tell R but I am seriously freaking out about his SA. I know that if the issue is him it isn’t a big deal. We will do IUI or IVF and get pg that way, but still I am freaking out. Forget for a moment that NOTHING is covered for us. Forget that he would REFUSE to tell his family and that they won’t shut up about us having kids. Forget that we are going to have to move AGAIN in February and that I had wanted to start grad school next year. Forget it all because right now my biggest fear is that if the issue does lie in his body, that our marriage will be over. Not because of the way I will feel but because for R his man hood is directly linked to reproduction capability.

A lot of men are like R in this way and I have never understood it. How can being a man be wrapped up in such a small issue. But for R it is. If he isn’t 100% normal I have a feeling he will have a massive breakdown. And I am not sure how to handle that.

R has always been the rock in our relationship. That isn’t to say I don’t comfort him when he is blue or upset about life or work, but it does mean I have far less experience than he does in dealing with him being really upset. R gets upset but in manifests differently in him than it does in me. When he gets upset he has no idea what bothers him, he doesn’t want to talk about it or think about it or deal with it in any way. He will lock himself in his room and ignore me until I bully him out. Then he gets mad, he will blame something in our relationship for the way he has been acting. The relationship is in fact fine, but he is having difficulty processing everything bothering him so he picks what ever about the relationship that is irritating and goes after it. He won’t yell but will get so melancholy you would think I had killed the cat.

The once we have fought for awhile he will calm down and in a day or two he will be ready to talk. He still won’t know what bothered him in the first place but he will be open to talking about what it might have been. Even after I have clearly identified what was bothering him he still won’t fully admit it. But non-verbally he confirms it. We will talk and talk and talk until I think we might have made an ounce of progress and then his wall breaks and he lets it ALL out. ALL of it. And by all of it I mean every little bit of it and then some. Anything that aggravated him in the last year will come out. I have learned that through this the best thing to do is accept what he is saying and shut up. Once he is through he is fine. He becomes him old self again and we are okay.

I have tried in the last few years to get R to find a new way to cope, but I can’t seem to change his old ways. The hardest part of this for me is how long it takes. Last time it took about two weeks and sometimes he is like that for a month. I am not sure I can be his rock for a month about IF, but then again he has been mine for a while.

Still I really hope the issue isn’t him but we both have a sneaking feeling it is and will good reason too, but that is a whole different post.

Happy Appointment

I am happy! Very very happy! I got to see a dr, Dr. G, I trusted today who went over my latest blood work and the old stuff as well as did an ultrasound. She told me "it isn't PCOS, not even a mild form" I didn't believe her at first but after we talked and I thought about it now I do. She didn't strong hand me about it she explained the results and we went over the charts I brought from the fertitlityplus website and showed me why I had been confused. SOOOOOOO much better than my old Dr. She also agreed that clomid should be monitored AND have an HSG BEFORE hand. Ladies, I think I am in love. Here is the problem, she isn't an RE. So she had to give me the name of one and a referral. She told me when they call I can set an appt then, or tell them I want to wait. The ball is now completely in R and my court and it feels goooood.

Her recommendation is not only a college but also a friend of hers and she says they have similar personalities. She also isn't going to make me go to the RE/IF 'class' Kaiser has. I am thrilled about that since K, girl from thenest and a t-ttcer, said that is was awful and boring and that she hated it. I still might go but at least now I know I don't have to fit it into my long list of things to do by the end of December. My dr said I seemed to know my shit and I have to thank all of YOU for that. So if you are reading this and frequent the t-ttc board on thenest. THANK YOU.

Dr G also said that my months without cycles don't count since there is no way to know if I actually ovulated so her recommendation is that I wait a few more months, as long as the SA comes back normal, before seeing the RE. I feel okay about that idea because I still want to wait till January to see the RE but I don't want to wait much longer than that.

Now I just have to get R to do the SA! Wish me luck!

Day two of Diet, 13cd and I am getting sick

It is day two of my diet and today went well. Glass of milk and yogurt in the am. A salad on a slice of bread for lunch- yes the bread is a carb. I am not perfect you know, a scoop of peanut butter for a snack- I love PB and love this diet for letting me have it, and for dinner chicken, peas and squash. A really good day for me. Awesome even if you consider that I am getting sick and the one thing I ALWAYS want when I get a cold is ice cream.

I don't know why but this winter my immune system must be really weak. I have already had a virus in my tummy which made me sick all night and kept me in bed for a few days. Now I have this 'thing'. So far I have had some post nasal drip in my throat and now it feels as if someone took a baby bottle cleaner and cleaned my throat. It is painful, raw and burning and it sucks. Since starting this post I have had a Popsicle too and even that hasn't helped. Okay maybe it did a little. Either way I hate being sick and being on a diet. I am no good at diet and exercise while sick. I have a feeling this could be a short diet....

R and I are doing fine again. We have gotten in a few fights this week but nothing our marriage can't handle. It is hard to tell if our issues are us or the IF sometimes, but right now I am leaning toward the IF. We are still considering doing therapy next year whether or not we are pg by then. Our marriage and communication style needs it.

I am Oing today or tomorrow and have my 2nd opinion Dr appt tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Day after Turkey-lurky Day

It is Black Friday and this morning I shopped, a lot. I didn't get many other gifts but I did get a lot of stuff for myself. There is little to update at this time about t-ttc. My apt is on Monday for my nd opinion and then I have a consult with insurance. I am dreading it but also looking forward to it. I am also starting back on my low/carb free diet in the am. UGG. I am definitely NOT looking forward to it. So if this next week I seem food obsessed please understand. Lack of sugar/carbs makes me hate life, but my body needs to do this, so I will.

SA and pre-thanksgiving post

Tonight R's Dr called and oked the SA! WoooHoooo. So it looks like he actually might get it done finally. I am so happy. We are going to have to wait until after I O to do it because right now we are so close to O time but I am happy. Hopefully he won't chicken out about it. I am still nervous about what it will say but I want answers. I want a reason we aren't pg by now and I want a plan. I want a plan both R and I can live with and stick to and hopefully afford. Honestly I have no idea how we will afford anything right now but I refuse to think about this. Somehow we will find a way to afford it and do it.

For those of you who don't know R is significantly older than me. His B-day is in two weeks and he will be 33 then. I am 25.5 at the moment making us 7.5 years apart in age. It is less than a decade but still he remembers things I have NO recollection of. It also means that his clock ticks faster than mine, so while it is true that I am young. We are about 28 or 29, and thus our clock is ticking. There are other reasons I worry about the SA. R was in the army and worked doing chemical recon. So he has been exposed to some yucky stuff even though he never fought or went over seas. Also as a child one of his testies twisted. They found it early and it shouldn't have caused any lasting damage but it still worries me, mostly because I am a worrier by nature. R is worried too. He thinks the boys are directly linked to his manhood. As though if his SA is abnormal then he is less of a man. I think this is a crock of shit but in many ways I feel the same about my body. If I can't reproduce then to me I am less of a woman. Yes it is fucked up and I shouldn't think like that but I do. And I have heard many other T-ttc girls say it too so I know I am not the first to feel that way.

In blogger/thenest news. One of my local t-ttc girls might be mc. There was no fetal pole at the 5 week us and things don't look good. Also one of me IF girls found out she is pg with 3 babies. her dr is worried about her and thinks it is best to selectively reduce. I don't know how they will decide because it is such a hard decision to make. I hope what ever they do that they carry at least one to term and have a healthy baby. They deserve it after all they have been through. Other bloggers are going through a similarly rough time and if you can send them hugs and prayers I would very much like that.

I hope that next time this year my list of favorite blogs is filled with pg and happy healthy babies. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and if you belong to thenest tttc board: This year I am thankful for all of you....

Last Week

Something happened last week that I didn't blog about due to lack of time. I was G. G has two mommies and is a child I used to nanny. Her bio-mom gave birth at age 42 and until last week I had always thought they had done the IUI route. But now I know that they did IVF! I know all this because I 'came out'. D (G's bio-mom) is the first IRL (inreallife) non family or BFF person I have told about our T-ttc. She was wonderful and it made me feel beter to know that if I need her for a recomindation or referal IF related I won't have to exsplain the whole thing then.

Comming out felt like steping out of the dark. I understand why some people tell anyone about their IF. It is very liberating. So liberating that I am ready to tell people if they ask, but R isn't and I respect that. So for now we are still 'closeted' about our IF.

No Appt Monday

My appt was over before it began. It seems that even Drs get sick sometimes! Yes my Dr called in sick and now I have my appt re-schedualed for next monday. I didn't bother going to the hospital for a talk to the insurance because I'll be there Monday next week and can just do it them. R called his Dr and is getting a SA done. I honestly can't belive it is going to happen but I am also thrilled. I know he is dreading it so I told him I would help ;) Oh and the fight is over and done with. It was a long and bad one but it is over now and the issues have been resolved.

In other news..... there really isn't any. I went and saw the Bodies Exibit at SJ Tec Museum. The prenatal/infant room creeped me out. I am not sure I will ever recover from it. It even had embrios at 4 weeks. I thought I would cry but I was okay. However I now have a greater since of how little things really can be and still be HUMAN. Creepy and cool all at the same time.

Fighting with R

R and I just got into a huge fight. And by huge I mean he left the house! So really big. I think we have only had two other fights like this the entire time we have been together and one of them was the exact same reason. Our fight today started off about him always wanting to take over my house hold projects. The bookcase, the chair, and so many others he steps in at the end and tries to tell me how to finish them. I don't mind his input but I hate how he waits till the end and then expects me to change how I do it.

Of course with me a fight never has one topic so from there I moved on to him and these 'tests' he is doing.... for the last 4 years! Yup he is a master at procrastinating. I hate that he isn't done with these tests. I hate that he has waited so long that now he needs to do 2 of them before the end of December! It kills me that he doesn't think this is important enough to stay on top of. AND I told him so. Even went so far as to say I feel like a "nagging bitch" and "his mom". Both of which are true. I know what I said hurt him and I am sorry for that, but how am I expected to feel secure ($$$$ wise) if he can't even keep up with his education in his field.

What makes fighting with R so hard is that he just stands there and takes it, then runs. He doesn't fight with me, he internalizes it and then once I feel like the fight is done he spills it back out. So when he gets home we will need to fight all over again. This time he gets to do the talking (yelling) and I get to listen. I am not looking forward to it.

Insurance

I now know why people hate dealing with insurance companies. I just got off the phone and NOTHING is covered. No testing (even though my bloodwork was), no HSG, no lap NOTHING! So I cried. And now I will pray. Hopefully God will hear me. If anyone has any advice on how to pay for everything let me know. I don't even hav an idea of what things will cost yet. I feel lost and alone. So maybe we will try on our own for a while longer. I still want DH to do a SA asap though.

My Mom

I know I bitch and moan about my mom a lot on this blog so I wanted to share with you all the great wonderful stuff about my mom, because in truth she is my best friend. She was over last night while R had to study for his next test. We watched an old Oprah off my DVR about IVF and surrogacy. She reacted so well. I think it was lots of info for her to process but at least she understood the process and emotions. Hopefully she will never have a daughter who has to go through that but at least now she is better informed than she was.

My mom and I have a weirdly close relationship, as I said she is my best friend, and most people don’t get it. I can talk to her about anything and everything from issues with friends to work or school stuff to marriage issues, even girly stuff. And by girly stuff I mean yeast infections, OB appt, and sex. Yes I can talk to my mom about sex! I know that many, many people freak out about this. They think I tell her about how often or about size or positions but NONE of that stuff ever comes up. What does happen is things like a cyst on my girly parts and I call and ask her what it is and she can tell me how to get rid of it, or we are shopping and I need a new sexy outfit because lets face it girls TI can get really boring, and she helps me find something. Most of you are probably still freaking out because for the life of you, you can’t imagine sharing that stuff with your mom. But my mom is cool, she is open and not judgmental. How many of you can say that about your mom?!!!?

How many of you can call her crying and upset about work or husbands? How many of you know your mom would come get you if you were to drunk to drive or ran out of gas on the highway? I can call her for just about anything. Even as a teen I knew I could call if I got drunk or high at a party and needed a safe ride home. She is there for me like no one else has ever been other than DH. I am closer to her than most of my girl friends.

Now some of you are thinking “I would hate that” but not one of my friends has ever said that. Most of the time they admit that they wish their mom was as cool, open, honest and non-judgmental. And my friends love her too. They invite her along to lunch, to their kid’s B-day parties, and ask how she is every time we talk. Yes I have a COOL MOM and am very lucky and one day my kids will have a open, honest mom too.

AF is here & an epiphany

At 4:30 am today AF showed. :( I am sad but not devastated like I have been the cycles before. I think the blogging and alcohol helped me not get my hopes up. I did the math today and actually me EDD won't be the week of BIL (brother-in-law)'s wedding. If pg this cycle I would be 2 weeks after my EDD. So R and I need to have a talk. At least we have two weeks to decide what to do. In other fertility news I think I want to buy a fertility monitor. I am going to see if R will work with me on buying one since I know the idea of spending 200+ dollars on one will freak him out. But I think it could be less stressful for us than charting or having sex the whole 10 days that I could ovulate. I also hate the idea of spending that much money on it but he is the one who doesn't want to go forward with more tests. And so far I think we have only spent about 200 on everything so lets just double that! ;)

The more I think about the testing the more I think my tubes might be blocked. When I was a child I had a rare blood disease. I will call it HLSLPP because spelling it out I will butcher it. Basically it breaks down the walls of the red blood cells and causes internal bleeding. It is VERY rare and I don't have it anymore. There is no cure but it does get better and cure itself in the patients who don't die from it. The reason I think it has blocked my tubes is because it can. I just have this weird feeling that the issue is me not R. So if I ovulate and my numbers are borderline PCOS but not PCOS then what is keeping us from getting pg? I just don't know.

I think I spoke of this in an earlier post but I want to elaborate a little. I had an epiphany this week about out t-ttc. I think god has been trying to tell me it won't be easy for a while and I just wouldn't listen. Here is why: Almost every couple I have ever nannied for has had some form of IF, t-ttc or pg loss. Kate mommy to A and N twins, had an early pg loss before them. Debbie mommy to G and Kate's partner had a chemical pg. Both ladies used sperm donors to get pg and had IUIs. So even as a teen God was exposing me to women with fertility issues and ways to overcome them. Then there is Diane, mom to T and J also twins. T and J were carried to term by a surrogate using donor eggs and her husband's sperm. Diane also had multiple pg losses due to a uterine lining issue, including TJ who she carried for 15 weeks and then her water broke. She carried him for 12 more weeks until she was 27 week along before giving birth. He lived for days and then passed. She never held her son alive. I remember her telling me all this and feeling so bad for her. Now I wish I could go back and hug her, I understand on a much deeper level now. Even S's mom told me she had fertility issues and that is why S was an only child.

So see I have been surrounded by women with fertility issues for a long time now. It is like God was trying to show me that not all women get pg their first cycles like the ladies in my family. I just didn't want to hear him yelling at me, so he slammed the door in my face. "Nope, you have more learning to do before I let you in to motherhood" he is saying. Well God I am listening, watching and trying to learn. Show me what I need to learn the lessons to get to motherhood because I know that I am getting in.

If this all sounds bitter I don't mean it to. I am okay with the path we are on now. I have come to terms with it. Now I just need R to come to terms with it so we can move on, move forward together.

Thankful

Last night R and I had a great talk. I cried, he held me and we chatted. I feel much better. In even better news. So far no AF! I am trying not to get my hopes up but that is hard. Tomorrow AF is officially due. Just writing that is hard but seeing her tomorrow will be even harder. Although I also know that if she doesn't show tomorrow I will be a mess too. I have never had a cycle longer that 30 days since my cycles became "normal" so I want either AF to show or to be pg. Preferably the last of the two. But we will just have to wait and see.

In honor of T-day coming up here is a list of all the things I am happy for:

1) My wonderful darling husband who has shown me what true love is. With out him I think I would never believe I could love someone this much. People tell me he is whipped but if they only knew the truth they would see I am the one head over heals in love.

2) That my cycles regulated on their own. I am so thankful that they did.

3) My mom is still with me and R is supportive of our weirdly close relationship. For so long I was worried she would just slip away and finally I feel like I can count on her being here day in and day out.

4) My sis and her family. I love them and am so happy that they are happy up in Washington. My niece will be one two days before t-day. Both her and her bro are miracles because of my sis's uterine condition. The fact that they were full term is a testament that God exists.

5) A roof over our heads money in the bank and all the things I take for granted every day. I have a more than most in this life and am soooo lucky.

Cd 30

It is really late on Sunday night and today is CD 30. Yup for those of you who know a regular cycle is 28 days that does kinda mean I am two days late. HOWEVER in this case it means nothing becuase my LP is long. So AF isn't due till tomorow and even if she doesn't come I don't plan on testing till Thursday or Friday. I am going to try to hold out for as long as possable. But we all know I am weak and will test early! I hate it but it is true. So if you are out there and pray. Say one for me tonight. Pray this is my cycle and I get my BFP.


In other t-ttc related news. Our baby freeweekend is over. Praise the lord! I don't think I could stand another day of it. Sadly it didn't help me. I feel more distint from R than I did thurday night. He on the other hand liked it but noticed that I was distant. We won't be doing this again for a while. Also I have decided to keep blogging durring our break. I plan on talking about life and a few t-ttc vents and rants I have been holding in. They should be fun. I also want to learn how to post a pic to show off my chair I re-finished. I am so proud of it! But those topics will wait until AF shows because tonight I need to sleep. Good night all.

Going baby free

The hubby, R, and I had a long talk the other night about t-ttc. Focusing on him doing a Seman Analysis or rather the fact that he hasn't done this yet. I want to know if something is wrong with the swimmers or if it is just me. I feel like there is no point me doing an HSG if he won't even do a simple SA. He ofcourse is afraid of what they will find. He feels like he is less of a man if he has issues. Which is redicules but it is how he feels. I am mad that he is taking his time but at the same time I undestand. Once we go down this path there really is no turning back. I mean we can turn back but it would be really hard to do. I hate that we aren't on the same page. I hate that AF is due in 4 days and I am totally hormonal.

In other news:

This weekend will be a baby free weekend. R and I have two date nights planned and I have two girls only events as well. It should be a packed weekend and we vowed no baby talk or t-ttc talk at all. It is going to kill me because all I want to talk to him about is more IF testing and the next step. Also we need to talk about this next cycle and if we are truely sitting it out or not.

See if we were to get pg next cycle I would be due at his bro's wedding which is 800 miles away and thus I couldn't go. So I know he will want to sit it out but I also know that it is going to kill me. Durring that time this blog is going to go DEAD. I am aslo going to stop nesting which is going to be incredably hard but for sanity sake I need to do it.

I will update this on Monday or Tuesday when AF shows. Love to all!

Cut and paste

In a post on thenest today we were tlaking about trying. Here is what I wrote:

Words don't really exspress the sense of loss I feel. Not feeling like a women doesn't even begin to touch how I feel most days. Right now I am just playing a waiting game. Waiting for DH to get himself in for a SA. Waiting for my Dr to aprove giving me a referal to an RE. Waiting for my mom to stop telling me to relax. Waiting to come to terms with what I have.

thinking about adoption

Desperate Housewives just ended and it was a sad one. Not because anyone died or got bad news. Actually at the end we find out that Lenette's cancer is gone. But Bree's daughter who has been out of town due to her teen pg returns and has the baby. Her last scene is of her giving the baby to her mom to raise and saying how hard it is. I was near tears to begin with and DH then thought that was the moment to kiss me on the head. I stoped him because any affection at that moment would have made me cry. Why he doesn't understand how much this hurts is beyond me. Honestly I am not a good actor so either he is totally blind or ignoring my pain. Either way it is hurtful. Our marriage is having issues and I think therapy is in order. I plan on calling our medical insurance in the am to see what is covered. I love him but I feel alone.

I think I have come up with an end date for us trying. If not pg by December of 2009 I think we will put in papers to adopt. That is 2.5 years of trying with 'normal cycles' and it is long enough to wait in my mind. I haven't said anything to DH because for him I am sure it is to soon to give an end date but for me I need to know that my mind won't be consumed with this forever.

If AF is 2 weeks late...

Our dinner party last night went off smoothly and while I know one of my friends didn't have as good of time as the rest of us I could honestly care less. We all tried including her and she didn't want to have fun, so she didn't. But the good news is that no one asked us about babies!!!! Now if only Thanksgiving will go as smoothly! Fingers crossed DH's family got the hint last week and BACKS off!

I am now on cd21! Only 10 days till AF shows! hahahaha

I have deiced that this cycle AF will show. Sure we had great timing and the sex was great. Yes I drank and relaxed but if charting didn't work then why the hell would this. Of course I would be thrilled to be wrong, but I have decide to keep drinking and eating smelly cheese until I am late. It won't hurt the baby even if I am pg because I won't be sharing nutrients until AF is weeks late. And if AF is 2 weeks late you can bet I am testing!

Update

This last Saturday was AWFUL. We had a 4yrold B-Day party to attend. Everyone asked us "when..." I hated it and so did DH. We were numb on the car ride home it was so bad. T-ttc sucks! But I don't have to tell you that.

Today is Friday and R and I have fought all week. Our dinner party is tomorow and all I want to do is hang out with Shanshan and drink. Hopefully Shan and Holly will come and we can all drink together. At least that will be fun.

I am so sick of our friends D&B. They have a 1 1/2 year old and treat him like an apendage. It makes me sick and I want to yell at them for being bad parents, but I don't. They have no idea we are trying.

I am currently about 5 dpo but am pretending we are still in the 'fertial zone' with DH. That has been hard since we have been fighting. But part of me likes forcing him to have sex. I know that is awful, but it is true and if I can't share it here then where can I share it. Today we finally cleared the air. It felt good to feel like a team again. Even though I still want to yell at him when he enters the room. I am such a bitch!

This will be my last 2ww this year since next cycle I will be "not ttc". So hopefuly all the relaxing worked. GL to me!

Parents

Well this week and last has been filled with lots of news on my t-ttc board. Lots of good and some bad. In two weeks though we have had something like 3 girls get pg on an 'off cycle'. One of whom is also adopting. I was grinning from ear to ear when I found out she was pg and since my mom was right next to me I told her why I was happy. Her response took all my joy away "see if you just relax". I fought her at first, told her the chances were low of relaxing ever playing a part. I wanted to tell her that this cycle I am relaxing about ttc. But I just gave up.

Why is it that I can't speak my mind to the woman who taught me how to speak my mind? Why is she the person who I have the hardest time talking to about ttc? I know why. I just don't like it. It is because she is who I hate letting down the most. It is because every part of me that isn't like her must be a part of my father, and that isn't acceptable to me or her. I miss the old days where my traits were my own, now their are theirs, something they fought over for soooooo long. And with him out of my life you would think the fighting would stop. But she still insists on bringing him up, on calling him "your father". Some days I wish adult children could divorce their parents (him not her) so that when someone said "your father" I could say "I don't have a father" and we could just leave it at that. But I have one and as much as it pisses me off Mom still calls him my "father" although he didn't earn the term.

But this blog is about my ttc not my parents so I have digressed to much. I did need to get that out though so if anyone is listening thanks for doing so. Goodnight!

A good day... even though it is sexless

As I read thought my friends' blogs one hit me over the head. She wrote how she realized her husband may never be a father, and how much that saddened her. While I understood her grief it made me think about my determination to be a parent. I have always said that if unable to get pg that we will adopt. It isn't the way I imagined creating our family but I could give up that dream if it meant not having to live childless. Today made me come to terms with that. I will be okay if my life includes only adoptive children. It will be sad, hard and I will cry a lot before we get there. But if we do get there, it will be okay.

I do wonder how people come to terms with choosing to live childless. I understand not wanting children, please don't get me wrong. But when couples who try for years to get pg, who spend 15,000 per cycle on IVF and still don't have children give up and don't pursue adoption.... I just don't understand that. We have friends who are living childless because they can't have children, and often I wonder how she came to terms with that, because I don't think I could ever come to terms with something like that. Often I want to ask her how she can get over something like IF. But I know that any questions would be intrusive and hurtful because I don't have the words to ask those questions with out them sounding like I am asking her "How could you kill your own mother?" Please don't think I am comparing killing my mom to living childless..... but in a way I am. In a way I see living childless as something of a death sentence. I shouldn't but I do.

One of my local nesties is adopting right now. She has been placed (matched) with a first mom and is waiting for the f mom to go into labor. I think of her daily. I know that if my life comes down to adoption I will have someone to guide me. I am thankful for that.



Other things on my mind today include:

Why is it that on CD9 DH doesn't want to have sex???? It is like he knows that I will be ovulating soon. Oh well I will just have to seduce him in the am.

in my own thoughts

Sorry last post was so short. Sadly this post will be short to since I really have nothing to share. AF came Sunday morning durring breakfast and that sucked but it is also nice to have a new beggining. I am trying to buy some bedding from a women down by San Jose, but just realized she lives even farther away than I thought. So now I am not sure I want it even though I love it and I have been looking for it for a while. But because I don't have a car it is going to be such a pain to have to come and get. So thats it for now just wandering through my thoughts at this point. I'll update when there is actually something to share next time.

BFN

So for those of you who may read this, ha like anyone reads this! I am not pg. So on to next month. For now thats I have, or want to share.

testing in the am

In the morning I am testing. After much internal debate about the subject I have decided to test in the am since I will be 14dpo. Of course now I am freaking out and want to change my mind but DH really wants me to test and I am dying to know. So here I go. Just for fun here are the top reasons it would be perfect to get a BFP this month.

10) I could tell my mom at dinner after she gets back from Washington.
9) I would be due in June before it gets incredibly hot.
8) I could do a semester of Grad school before the baby arrives.
7) I have been off depo a year!
6) I could personally debunk the relax theory because my stress level was so high this month.
5) I would be 26 when I give birth (the 'planned' age when I was just a kid).
4) DH would only be 33 and we would have a chance of having two kids before he is 35!
3) We could tell family for X-mas!
2) I would be one step closer to being a MOM!
1) I would get to be pregnant!!!!

So wish me luck!

I keep trying to ground myself.

I have spent the last few days on cloud nine. I keep thinking "I am pregnant until proven otherwise" but last night it hit me that on Saturday I will have to test and that if two lines don't appear I will be proven otherwise. That hit like a ton of bricks. Yes the 2ww is wonderful until it is about to end! And then reality bites you in the butt. You have to admit to yourself that this might not be THE cycle for you. That is crushing and so very sobering. And while you want to go back to the place you were just moments before the place where you thought "I am pg until proven otherwise"... you can't go back. Ever moment of thinking I am pg is ended by the crushing reality that you just don't know yet.

So now I enter the second phase of the 2ww the grounding phase. The phase where despite being blissfully happy about the possibility of being pg... despite te joy of having R touch your belly rubbing it and telling the embie to snuggle in safe...despite wanting for the joy to last, you must admit that it might not be. You have to prepair yourself for the disappointment of just seeing one line. And you talk yourself out of testing early like you had planned so that the disappointment is that AF is there not that once again there is just one line.

I keep trying to ground myself but I just don't want to. I want to be happy, I want to act as though I already know there will be two lines because as hard as disappointment is. Somehow trying to keep my self grounded is even harder right now.

Wow more good news!

Its another wonderful day in the neighborhood! I have good news AGAIN! My Angie Bracelet came in the mail and I am wearing it right now. I love it. LOOOVE it! Love it so much I don't want to take it off. But I know I need to because I don't even sleep with m wedding ring on! There is no way it won't bug me all night.

There was other good news. Oh yes! My BFF is going to be an aunt, a real auntie! I am thrilled for her. I know she is going to love it. My hope is that she can have two nieces to play with next summer, her sis's and mine. I am still wishing for my miracle!

My hopes are crazy high this cycle. I am talking to my belly and convinced that my lack of wanting to kill R this weekend must be a good sign. Also my boobs don't hurt, which they do right before AF shows, so even that I am taking as a good sign. I also have decided that if I am pg this cycle then I will tell our friends at our party on November 3rd. Don't worry I will tell all of you (hehe) first. That is the most wonderful thing about NO ONE reading my blog.

So we will see, by next Monday if it is forward and onward or if my miracle is found.

I Oed!!

Sorry it has been so long since my last post but I have been incredibly busy. I am thinking I should work my was from last post and then get current. So here we go.

After multiple break downs about wither on not I was going to ever ovulate this cylce Fertility Friend finally put in my ovulation date as the 28th. I was thrilled until my temp plummeted on Monday but FF still said I had Oed. I tried to be hopeful but couldn't so I called my OB and asked the nurse for a P4 test. He gave me this huge spiel about driving myself crazy and how he wouldn't do this every month. How it takes healthy couples about 6-9 months to get pg on average. I tuned him out. All I wanted to know was that he would give me the test, and he said he would this month so I was happy.

I went out to lunch with mom that day and told her about the test. She said while she is excited about knowing if I ovulate but that she wasn't going to get supper excited till I got a + pg test. I told her I was okay with that but in truth I was a little disappointed. I want her to be happy with me now! After all what if this is as good as it gets?

Thursday (yesterday) I went in to get blood work done. I wanted to call last night but didn't because I knew they might not have the results yet and that knowing they weren't in yet would somehow make waiting worse. I called today at about 10 am. We wanted anything above 10. I wanted something between 12 and 15. What I didn't want was 9.8 or anything like 10.1 because that would be to close and I would still question ovulation. So when she told me 13.2 I screamed!!! I literally screamed with joy. I told her I was so happy and thank you as if she had anything to do with my high numbers. Then I apologized for screaming. She told me it was okay and that she was happy she made my day. I wanted to reach into the phone and kiss her I was so happy. When I hung up I continued to do happy screams for a moment and then called R (husband). He was happy to get good news too. Of course this tells us nothing about pg but I am hopeful. And now I only have a week left until testing. Come on June Baby!!!

Spaz Attack

So two nights ago I had a majorly emotional night. I was freaking out again... "what if I don't O" "what if something is wrong like R has ZERO sperm" what if" "what if" "what if"..... and I just wanted to cry. But I couldn't. I realized though that I felt out of control. There is nothing more I can do to improve our chances of getting pg. So I made up my plan. It is my What if plan. It has my next few steps. I am hoping to not need them as I am ovulating at any second. But I have them if I do, and that makes me feel better.

All the wrong things

So any day now I should Ovulate! I love this time of my cycle. It is hopeful and claming in a way. But tonight I want to focus on all the things that are really pissing me off right now.

First my mom. The woman who normally is my light, who before DH was my world, is really pissing me off. She just can't seem to say the right thing. First she had the nerve to tell me that maybe it was my negitive attitude which was causing us to not get pg. I had to tell her that there was no way that being relisitic was the problem. Next she tells me I shouldn't do Clomid because god forbid I should have twins. Umm, I hate to break it to all of you but I would LOVE twins. LOVE LOVE LOVE twins! Would it be hard YES but would I think it was a miracle YES! Then she goes on to tell me that modern medicine is why there are so many ladies who have IF. That if we didn't involve Drs then things like endo and PCOS would not exist in our society because acording to the laws of Darwinism, they would weed it out. SO here I sit trying not to cry because I truely do feel alone.

She loves my niece and nephew. Loves them so much and when my sister got pg at 18 becuase if she didn't then the Drs told her it would never happen. Mom did everything she could to support them. SHe even bought them OPKs. I wish she would do something like that for me. I wish she could see that this is causeing a rift in our relationship. Wish I knew how to make her see the other side of the coin, because she just doesn't see it right now.

If I could tell her anything right now it would be how much I want a child. That I wouldn't care if I had twins or what gender, that I would just love to have my own children. That I am ready to be a mom.

And if I couldn't tell her that then I wish I could tell her the right things to say because she already knows all the wrong things.

Timming BD

Hubby is in bed early tonight. Our neighbors are finally gone- they were evicted today- so he can get some much needed sleep. They have been keeping him up because they felt the best time to move was from 1am till 5am, but I am digressing. The only problem- tonight should be BD night! Yes it is only cd6 but we need to 'clear out the boys' so we have fresh swimmers for later. ;) He was so cute when he turned me down. He had no idea it was for baby purpose- and I was a good wife and let him keep thinking that! It is so funny what women do to keep their men from thinking sex is only about baby making. Believe me I love sex but keeping track of when to O and how to time sex just drains to joy out of it. Funny how something we love can become a chore if you "have to do it".

Welcome to my world!

I have no idea why I want to do this but I do. I want to start my own blog. It seems selfish and self centered in so many ways... I mean this blog is about me and only me... okay Gemma and Bella (our cats and babies for now) will be invloved too- but for the most part it will be about me. One day hopefully soon it will be about our Baby. Kaeliegh or Riley to be exact but for now it is about me... So to who ever happens to stumble across this as you search the world wide web welcome to Ariella World!