Friday, February 29, 2008


The sky out our bedroom window is a lilac purple color and the wispy clouds are yellow and pink against it. It is a beautiful way to end this day that only happens every four years. Although the weather here in Northern CA was beautiful it was also smoggy, and the weather wasn't the only thing full of contradictions. My HSG was good in so many ways. We arrived on time and calm as well as feed but we got lost on the way there. The part we got lost on was windy and it made me nauseous but it also lead us though a part of our area I rarely ever see, and this time of year with the trees and apple blossoms blooming it was just serene, peaceful and beautiful.

My HSG, at first, was easy. Inserting the catheter didn't hurt at all even though the DR had a hard time doing it. He said my cervix opening is small, which could be part of the reason we aren't pg yet. He had to have the nurse push down on my tummy while he inserted it to get it to go in. Still that didn't hurt at all. Then he blew up the balloon. WOOW! I would have jumped off the table in surprise had I not been expecting it. I had taken a Darvacet and a Soma in preparation for this but lying on the table I wish I had taken two of the Darvecet. With all the 'stuff' in me they made me scoot back under the machine that allows them to take pictures and then inserted the dye/contrast. That also was easy.

Now the cool part. I got to watch as the dye spilled out BOTH tubes. It would have been cooler if I could have actually been able to tell what I was looking at. I kept asking the nuse "so it is spilling?". I laided there in pain but also thrilled that they were open. Thrilled to have gotten off so easy when it came to having had HSP as a child.

After the procedure I was still in pain and even now 3 hours later I still hurt. I haven't ever heard of anyone hurting this long after the HSG so I asked some nesties about it. A few of them did have pain for a few days and it makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one. I will happily take this pain for the clear open tubes.

R was very stressed today. He was very un-helpful this morning but he totally made up for it this evening. He has been great and is cooking dinner tonight, even though he has no idea what he is doing. Mom called shortly after the HSG, I could hear the worry in her voice. I think she felt guilty if my tubes had been blocked like it was her fault. That is silly because NOTHING my parents or I could have done would have prevented the HSP.

I am now off to get more pain meds. I am just taking Advil tonight and I hope by morning I will need nothing.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Drama resolved, conflict avoided

Well I am having the HSG tomorrow. I finally got the written non-Kaiser referral in my hand. I jumped for joy when the nurse handed it to me. I didn't have to even yell or kick any one's ass to get it today. I was thrilled all morning and now I have finally calmed down enough to be scared. That is normal right?

While I am scared of it being painful I am also very scared of my tubes being blocked. Because Blocked in most cases means "go straight to IVF. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars." And while many people have blocked tubes for unknown reasons if mine are blocked I will know EXACTLY how that happened.

When I was a second grade I stress fractured a bone in my leg but jumping off a 4 foot ledge and landing wrong, at least that is what my medical record states. What I was actually doing was wrestling and play fighting with my friends, something we weren't supposed to be doing. It goes on to state that from the fracture/break I developed HenlockShonelinePurpura (HSP). Don't bother looking it up I spelled it wrong.

HSP causes you to bleed internally. It can cause kidney damage, renal failure, liver damage, heart failure, brain hymorging, stroke, many many other complications and finally DEATH. I 'lucked' out and just had it in my broken leg and lower abdomen, including my lower intestine and most likely, although there is no way to know for sure, my reproductive organs. I have in the past had just about all of my lower abdomen organs checked out except for the reproductive ones. When they were checking all the other things I asked the Dr about my reproductive organs. What he said calmed me down. That my u/s and all internal checking was fine and thus I didn't need the scary test where they blew radioactive material inside my uterus to check things out. He told me "the complications out way what we would learn from it".

So hear I am remembering the little boy who died of HSP 5 months before I was Dx with it. The little boy who saw my same Dr and whose treatment helped me survive. I haven't thought about him in so long, nor have I thought about how sick I was in a very long time. But tonight I am thinking about him, about how that could have been me. And yet still I find myself wanting to bargain with God. "I'll do X, Y and Z, if...." but I don't say that. What I am praying for instead is strength. Strength to get though the procedure , strength to handle the results (whatever they may be) and finally strength to accept my cards I have been dealt.

Of course the part of me that believes in positive thoughts and energy is constantly chanting "open clear tubes, open clear tubes, flowing like running water though a faucet". But hey if it helps can you blame me?

PS I also believe in 'nestie dust' so I will take as much as you want to give m, if you've got it.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I am still having drama with Kaiser. I am not sure what is going to happen but we will see. For everyone who has left comments Thank you for your support. I couldn't get through this without this blog and all of you reading it.

I will try be updating all of you again tomorrow night about if I will be actually getting the HSG or not.


Tonight I am just not dealing well. I feel so alone in all of this. It is pathetic because I know I have all of you in bloger land but I feel so disconnected to R and my life. Some days are just too hard.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


I am still having drama with insurance, and may have to end up canceling our HSG this cycle. If I do then Friday I will be crying all day. Here is the issue:

We have Kaiser for insurance and NOTHING is covered under IF. I have been able to "sneak" things in such as the SA and blood work under insurance but we knew the HSG would be out of pocket. My OB went ahead and told me to get the HSG. They wrote the scrip into the computer and told me to call Kaiser's radiology for the appt. Well all of you know from pp that Kaiser wanted to rip us a new one and charge DOUBLE the going price of an HSG. So I made an appt with an outside Kaiser radiology department. They said I would need to bring in a copy of the script for the HSG for the appt.

However Kaiser doesn't normally do written scripts so I didn't have a copy of the original. After three calls to the OB I found out since I am not going to a Kaiser RE and I want someone else (ie not Kaiser) to perform the HSG the OB who was on call won't write me one. So I have put in another call to MY OB and pray he is on call in the next two days to see if he will write me the script. He is normally really good about things like this so I am praying he will do this for me.

I should hear back by tomorrow night about the HSG. I am praying for good news but expecting the worst. After all it is Kaiser. For you non-Kaiser people THIS is why they are the most hated insurance company on earth!

Monday, February 25, 2008

I little bit lost

I weighed in today and I lost 2.5 pounds! I am very happy about that since I ate so much on Saturday and didn't exersize much since I hurt my hip.

I am having major drama today with insurance and will post more when I know more.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

a little good, a little bad and a prayer for someone else

I threw a house party on Saturday and it was so much fun. It was a big hit and while I broke the diet big time it was so worth it! Today I recovered from my hangover did somethings around the house and went over to clean my mom's house too. I stayed on the diet all day! I am so proud of myself for that becuse it is hard to go suger free when the day before you had a ton of it. Weigh in will be Monday and I am praying for at least a small loss.

AF had left yesterday but she decided to return today with a vengince again! GRRRRR My periods are normally short and it would be just my luck to have her hang on till Thursday forcing me to cancel the HSG. I don't think that will happen but I will be laughing if it does, because that would be just my luck! Again I doubt she will hang on that long.


Someone has been on my mind lately. Corrie adopted a beautiful boy in August after a 10 year battle with infertility. She is one of the best mothers I know and in December the bio father came back into the picture. They have indured a long court battle and I have yet to hear if it is done or not. I pray for Corrie daily becase she not only is a wonderful person but also a person who truely "gets it" when it came to adoption.

She knew that her greatist gift would also mean the lose of a child to another mother. Corrie also saved me from myself on a day when I thought I just couldn't do it anymore. Her strength perservenace and heart inspires me. She has never asked me to pray for her, only that I pray for what is best for her son. I of course have an opinion on what that means and I am sure she does too but her faith is so resound she gives it up to GOD to do what he sees fit. That astonishes me.

I often worry about inturding into her life, about asking for to much info from her. But tonight I ventered out and wrote her of my up comming HSG and for an update if she has one. I pray that when she gets back to me her news is good news. If you will pray with me that would be wonderful.

Friday, February 22, 2008

HSG for the 'right price'

I got a call back today from our clinic and asked about who they recomind for the HSG. They said they had a place about 40 miles away but for 1/2 the price. I got the name and number and sure enough, they just ask for 500 cash! Cash is FINE by me! WooooHoooo for saving 550 dollars! They also said that once it and the S-HSG is done I should do my consult visit! So we are on schedual and moving right along.

I have been eating fairly well this week and staying right on track, however, yesterday I pulled a mucle doing a workout video. :( That means taking the exercise part easy this weekend.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

good and bad news

A bit of good and a bit of bad news today. Af came today! And that is the good news. So I called to get the HSG scheduled and what do you know they are booked! I literally cried on the phone to the appt nurse. She told me "but we have one for X-day (insert date that makes it cd15)." And I had to tell her that is 4 days to late because it HAS to be done cd 9-11. She told me "well how about next month" and I burst into sobs again. I get really emotional at this time of the month can you tell? The receptionist was very nice though, she took pity on me and called around for me. There is ONE appt left for cd9 at a different place and she had them hold that spot for me. This clinic is about 17 miles from home instead of 5 but who the hell cares!

Then my devastating news came. Kaiser charges 1,050 dollars for the HSG! I nearly started crying again, I was in shock. I had heard it was costly but most people's cost them 600-800 dollars, many even less than that. I called R and he told me without dipping into the house/make a baby fund we couldn't do it so we would simply dip into that fund. I cried buckets more tears wishing this could be easy. Wishing for some end to this and then told him "fine".

So it is settled will take 1,050 out of our "down payment/baby" fund and use it for the HSG. I am also going to call the RE clinic we are going to use and see what happens if I do it through them or their lab. The worst they can say is it would be more and I simply keep my appt with Kaiser. Best case is that it costs WAY less with them and we wait one more month and do it through them, either way I will survive.

Thank you for all of you who responded to the rude 'anonymous' comment left on my blog. You did a much better job explaining everything than I did.

Stupid Comments!

I am too pissed about this comment on my blog to respond so why don't all of you do it for me:

"I really hope it happens for you soon! I don't think writing a blog about not succeeding will help though. You have much more of a chance if you just forget about it and relax - I know how hard that is, and writing probably makes you feel that you are actually "doing" something about it, but this way you are just analysing and obsessing all the time. I wish you every luck, you deserve it!"

Wednesday, February 20, 2008


AF isn't here yet. :( That makes me angry.....

I know that is wierd to say but after I test BFN I really just want AF to show. After all, if I am not pg then we might as well move onto the next cycle, right? This week I want AF to show up extra badly. Because not only was late cycle awful having to wait so long for her to show but now this cycle I need the HSG and S-HSG on anywhere between cd9-11. Also I am throwing a party this weekend and I don't want to be cramping while trying to be a good hostiest. Plus I can't drink on Soma, which I sometimes need to just function when my cramps get bad. So PLEASE if AF is visiting you send her my way before this weekend.

In diet news I am doing okay. I am hungry right now and after I blog I am getting myself a snack. The first week of the diet is always the hard part for me. I want suger, I crave it and weaning my body off it is hard phisicly and emotionaly. At least tonight for dinner we are having tri-tip with artichokes, glazed onions and green beans. Yummy. My mom will be joining us for dinner too so I will be here to keep her on task too. She already told me she has cheated but I know that as hard as this is for me it is 50 times harder to her. At least we have each other to keep us honest, and quite frankly as long as she keeps the ice cream out of her house I know she will lose weight.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Day two... of my diet

I have been think about turning this blog partly into a weightloss blog because God knows I need to lose some weight. My goal is 35 pounds and to keep it off. I would love to lose about 20 pounds by my Birthday in May. My mom is about to have a lap bad procedure to lose weight but first she also needs to lose about 30 pounds. So together yesterday we both had our first day of South Beach Diet. I am already craving carbs and suger but so far no loss of will power. Saturday we are hosting a party at our house and so I will be breaking my South Beach diet then. Partly because I don't want my guests to have to suffer for my diet but mostly because I would love to cheat and there is no way I could with stand the want to eat chocolate cake. However the best thing about SB is that comming back to it is so easy. I will be having a weigh in once a week on Mondays so exspect updates then. I would also like to thank Kristen author of I would Diet for That because her post about losing a sack of potatoes inspired me to finally start SB again. Wish me luck everyone.

Monday, February 18, 2008

BFN but I am okay.

I decided today that I should test. I have a long LP and up till now have been testing 16dpo or later which always bites me in the ass because I get my hopes up. Since this cycle I had a cyst I chose to test cd30 or two days before I exspect AF. I figured this way I wouldn't get my hopes up to high. It was - and I am okay with that. Now AF can arive and I can get my ass in gear and scedual the HSG and S-HSG for this month. It is all going so fast. When DH and I agreed to meet with the RE at the Meet and Greet it felt like forever in the future but now it is less than 30 days away. I can't wait till AF gets her and I can do my last two tests. If you pray, would you mind adding good results from these tests to your list for me. Thank you.

Ramdom tid bits

People keep asking me how I am. So I want to be honest with you all.

I am:

better than I was a month ago
worse than 3 months ago
but all in all okay

I have learned that I don't need to be happy and sunshining all the time if that isn't how I feel. IF has made me bitter but it has also made me resiliant, and has tought me to seek help when needed. It has taught me about my relationship with others as well. These lesons were hard to learn but I needed to learn them. I also realized that I will be okay, I will never go back to the way I was but that isn't a bad thing. I am a changed person and I accept that.

On thenest there was a poll about crying. I didn't cry all weekend even though I normally cry every other day or so. But today I was reading this and bauled like a baby. Thanks Maria (MKC101103) it was a good cry.

There also have been quite a few posts on the t-ttc board from friends of IF girls. They want to know how they can help thier friends. I look at those posts and wish I had friends like that. I wish I had a good or best friend wo understood what this was like. Not because I would want them to go through it but because it would be so nice to really talk to someone daily about this who is in the same room as me.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


My cyst is still here. :( I can tell because it keeps throbing and tingling. I keep hopeing that when it does that it means it is bursting but then the next day it tingles again. :( I called the OB to find out when I could do the S-HSG but I have to wait to call till AF comes. I have no idea when to exspect her. If were going off how long my cycles normally are then she should be here Tuesday but I would be willing to bet money she will be late.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Feeling better... one day left in HELL

Thank you to all of you who left comments on my last post it ment so much to knowI am normal and not alone in this. I am doing better now and while I am still stuck at my sis's house, she has backed off quite a bit and I am no longer crying all the time. I will be home in sunny CA Wenesday night, and can't wait to see R who I am sure will be waiting for me at the airport with a big hug!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

crying so hard it hurts

there issomething I have never told anyone, not R, not my friends not evenall of you in blog land. Back in June when I knew my anovulatory, with no menses cycles and they were a preventing me from getting pg, I joined the t-ttc board because BOTB was not helpful. So many of you were increadbly helpful and really helped me ask the right questions with my Dr and become knowlagable. I of course toldmy mom about all of you and how much I hoped youwould all get pg one day. Her responce "maybe those with IF aren't ment to get pg and have thier own children". responce is probably the same as yours. F u and WTF does this lady know.Butnow everytime AF comes and she isn't upsetor thinks I am overreacting I think ofthat comment, because if my own mom doesn't think I should be a parent thenmaybe I shouldn't. Idon't really belive that but it hurts none the same.


In my family I have always been the emotional one. Yes I am the oldest child and from my understanding that isabnormal for the first child to be the sensitive one but in our family I am. My mom is the 2nd youngest of 6 and she is a practical person. She may battle depression but she is not a cryer,not overly simpithtic and doesn't really understand myvery sensitve nature. She looks at it as a fault where as I seeit as a plus. Her and my sis could read Megan's story and not cry a tear. I call that cold hearted they see it as practical, and normal.


2nd admition: I am very jelous of my sis. She has such beautiful worderful children and she is so lucky that she can stay home, a luxury I know I won't get. So today as everything has seemed to fall apart around me, I did what I normally do, I cried. They (mom and sis) see this as weak and only made me further upset by provoking more tears by telling me so. When we got home (sis's house) I locked myself in the bathroom for a chat with my hubby.Mom bangs on the door telling me I am overreacting and being a wuss... and she is right. I am weak and over emotinal and right now the only thing I am living for is my sweet husband who would be derestated if I died.

No one seems to understand how much it takes for me to face each day. So if you read this PLEASE leave a comment. Remind me I am not alone, and that it will be okay because I don't think I can do this much longer.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Waving 'hi' from vacation

I hate to start a blog like this but I want to confess something: The mounting pg blogs are starting to upset me. I am thrilled for ALL my blogger friends for getting pg BUT that doesn't mean I am not sad that I am not one of them. "Normal" people would call that selfish but you IF girls will understand. So if all of a sudden I am no longer commenting on your blog, please understand and please feel free to keep reading mine and commenting if you like.

In other news vacation is going well. I am having a lot of fun with my niece and nephew. In so manyways itis like no time has passed at all since they left CA and in other ways (how much they have grow- for example) it seems like it has been forever.

However, and you must have known there would be a however because why else would I blog about it, my sis is dringing me crazy. I love herbut our relationship has always been strained. We tend to disagree on just about everything. She has very strong opinion and so do I plus neither of us back down from an arguement, it isn't a good combo. Tonight she was going on and on about how she thinks working moms are scum and basically neglectful of their kids. She even said she doesn't understand why working moms have kids since they just let other people raise them. She said she understands that some mothers have to work in order to pay rent, but that if you can afford vacations and nice clothing that you are sacrificing being with your kids and are letting other people raise them. I don't agree with that, although I do think SAHM who have live in nannies are over kill but if that is what makes you a great mom then so be it. Her tone was so condicending it killed me to listen to her go on and on. I quickly told her I disagreed and that she was being very condicending and then changed the subject. Thanfully we agreed to disagree and that was it this time, but that isn't always the case.

I love my sis but if there was a way for me to see my niece and nephew with out seeing her I would, because while I love her, I don't like her. She is a family member and because of that we talk to each other and play nice but there is little chance we would be friends if we weren't family.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Its Vacation Time!

It is almost HERE; the day to leave to see my nice and nephew is alomst apon us! I think I might bemore excited about this than seeing my RE!.... na! I leave Tuesday night but there is so much to do till then that this most likly will be my last blog till I get back.

When I get back there will be 3 weeks till our meet and greet at the RE clinic. R doens't seem to be as excited as I am but I am fine with that.

If anyone can send positve thoughts or prayers my way while I am there Iwould love and apprechate it. My sis and I don't have the best relationship and while she knows about our t-ttc she tends to use that knowlage to make me cry. She naturally has an abrasive personality and kind likes making me and others squirm. I love her but I honestly could care less about seeing her. For me it is all about her kids! Anyway just pray she is on her best behavior while Iam there and for me to have inner strength. Thanks girls!

I'll be back on Febuary 13th.