Sunday, August 31, 2008

Wedding Re-cap

Would you believe it if I told you that I had a wonderful time? Cause if you had told me last week or even a month ago that I would have a good time this weekend I would have laughed at you. But it is TRUE! R and I both had a good time. Sure there were a few things I would like to have changed but over all we had a really nice time.

However, I can honestly say that our good fortune of having a wonderful time was mostly because we stayed in a different part of campus than the rest of the family. While R's family (around 50 of them) shared 2 floors of dorm rooms with a three block walk up hill for breakfast every morning. We stayed a mile away in a lovely on campus hotel, with a business center (including wifi access), amazing Continental breakfast just down the hall of our room, our own parking garage with free parking (other wedding guests paid 9 dollars a day for parking) and best of all a QUEEN bed with a TV in the room plus a large bathroom. I was so thankful R and I "splurged" on the campus hotel rooms at 15 dollars extra a night! When comparing living situations most people agreed had they know about the campus hotel they would have preferred to stay there. Not having to be around family, except for Pop, and a quite place to rest saved us hours of bickering as a couple.

Our drive down and back with Pop was very nice. They both took great care of me and Pop took us out dinner on the way home Sunday night. We went to a really nice steak house; steak being one of my favorite foods this pregnancy. I rarely order steak in a restaurant just because of expense but Pop insisted and it was very, very good. We spent most of our time with him over the three day, but it was nice and when he or I needed space or was tired we just said we were ready to go back to the hotel. Is it wired that the person in R's family I like best (other than R) is someone he has no blood or legal relationship too?

The wedding itself was beautiful! Everything went great and the ceremony was preformed by the same family friend who did ours. I cried during it. R and I haven't been to a wedding since our own and so it brought back so many memories for both of us. The vows included a part about children and I said a little prayer that these two don't face any infertility or pg loss issues. I know they will make great parents and I hate the fact that there is no way to know if they will be one of the one in eight. At the end of the ceremony they were pronounced husband and wife and then presented for the first time as Mr and Mrs. hisfirstname hismiddlename hislastname. I have to admit R and I both looked at each other and exchanged sympathetic glances. We just aren't big fans of the whole Mr and Mrs thing as you all know. It isn't that she took his last name but that she is now Mrs. hisfirst hismiddle hislastname, as if who she is and was no longer exists after the exchanging of rings. I am sure most other people don't even notice things like that, but I also know, I am not the only feminist this bugs. The reception was great, R and I danced a few dances, we chatted with family, and enjoyed the whole night.

For those of you wondering how many belly rubs I got without asking the total is above 6! I actually couldn't believe it but it seems R's family really doesn't have any personal boundaries sometimes. His mom was the biggest offender of all rubbing my belly without asking even after I asked her to please ask first.

So that is the low down. Next post will be on the highs and lows of the weekend. I need to do a little venting and some AWing as well. Let me leave you with a belly pic, here is R and I with the bride, my new SIL!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Wedding Weekend!

This weekend my BIL is getting married and while I am thrilled to be getting a SIL I love, R and I are finding the weekend to be more stressful than relaxing. We will be in the same hotel all weekend with both sides of R's family. There are more than a few members of this family that drive us both up the walls. My plan is to stay in my hotel room and avoid everyone as much as possible, without being anti social. If you could send us some safe traveling thoughts and happy drama free family thoughts too we will take them all! Both of us are going to need a ton of help getting through this weekend. Thanks for all the support!

Also to the right there is a new poll just for this weekend. My question is how many people try to rub the belly without asking. So far no one has done this, not even a stranger! But I have a feeling I won't get through the weekend without it happening.

Happy Birthday Julian!

Four years ago today I became an Auntie, and with the new title my heart expanded to love more than I had previously thought possible. Years as a nanny didn't prepare me for loving you the way I do. Your little body, with long fingers and toes was the most precious thing I had ever held. I knew right then I would walk to the end of the Earth for you.

You have grown so much in the last 4 years. Your personality has developed into a child who loves gross motor activities, and could spend hours at the park on your bike, scooter, or just running around. You are outgoing and a good friend always trying to be kind to others. Your not a great sharer but we are working on that. You have become a good big brother, keeping your sister safe as you walk with her down the sidewalk. I am very proud of the boy you have become.

Happy Birthday Julian!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

MIL saves the day!

Yesterday I was emotionally all over the place. One moment I would be fine and the next I would feel like crying. I wasn't depressed, I was hormonal! At the root of all those hormones: family issues. We have a lot of them these days but this time it is about my mom. My mom and I are very close and I thought this pg would make us closer. I naively hoped that she would be as excited about this pg as she was my sister's two. But that hasn't happen, she is excited but not in the way she was with my sister's pregnancy. That has left me feeling kinda sad some days. It is hard to feel like you and your hubby are the only ones truly excited about the baby. I shed a few tears over the mom thing and then my MIL calls. My MIL and I don't exactly see eye to eye on most things but she is THRILLED I am knocked up and she is going to be a grandma. Our conversation was so nice and at the end she told me "I am more excited about see you than the wedding or seeing my sons". We got off the phone and I cried, again not depressed tears but tears of emotion. There is someone out there possibly even more excited than me about this baby! That means the world to me.

Monday, August 25, 2008

What would you do diffrently?

Production not Reproduction, who happens to be one of my favorite open adoption bloggers ended her last post with this "I wonder how many of us would make different choices were we able to start over knowing what we know now."

I have really tried to make myself available for anyone who is about to undergo IF treatment. I have wrote down my name number and email address for anyone who wants to know more about my clinic, Femara, testing or anything I might have a fleck of knowledge about. Because if I had to do it over again, I would have made better choices. I don't regret my clinic choice, or treatment path at all. But I regret the way I handled things before I left K.aiser in search of a good RE. Yes K.aiser screwed me over and hung me out to dry when it came to my HSG and blood work at times but I could have handled it better, and it is my fault for letting them drag me through all of that before leaving for RSC. If I hadn't been so concerned about cost of treatment and testing I could have had far less stress. That is my main regret.

The second it more complicated. I have spoken here a little about my anxiety and depression, but I haven't been 100% honest. Mostly that is because some of you know me IRL, or from nest GTG, and there is a BIG stigma around mental illness. The truth is I should have been medicated in January and February maybe even all of last year. I should have been seeing someone about the depression and I didn't. I knew I needed it and I didn't say a word. THAT is both scary and very hard to admit.

I have major concerns about the coming months. Mostly what will January and February bring? Post-partum depression is almost guarantied for me, and yet if my family and friends missed all the warning signs last time, what makes me think they won't miss it again?

Those are what I would do over if forced to re-do those months, seek treatment earlier both from and RE and a therapist. Of course I don't want to re-do those months. I am happy having ended up here. I love this baby, love being pg, and love having a due date of January 1st. I wouldn't give it up, not for the world. But I do hope that writing this out will help me remember to ask for help sooner in the future. I don't want to go back to the dark side of depression, this baby deserves better than that.

A wise person learns from the mistakes of others, a smart person learns from their own mistakes, and the stupid don't learn at all.

I hope that by being open I help others to be wise, and help myself to be smart.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Send her your love

Today is Busted's Beta Day. As I do all my IVF friends, I have anxiously awaited her beta day for two weeks, sending her implantation vibes and sticky dust. Until late last night when I saw she shyly announced it would be negative on a chat board I frequent, I am assuing this means she tested early. As many of you know my home pg test was negitive the day before my beta too, but it is very rare for that to happen. I am still hopeful for Busted to get her miracle this cycle but I am also realistic. No matter what the results could you go over and give her some love. She needs it, 2008 has been an awful year for her.

Friday, August 22, 2008

21 Weeks

How is it that another week has passed already? I mean really where is the time going, because it is flying by me.

I feel baby move all the time now. It is my favorite thing to do in fact. As much as I had idolized pg, I expected to be let down and yet it is a billion times better than I thought it would be! I really do LOVE being pg! My 'girls" don't hurt anymore thanks to some new bras, although in another month or two I might need a size up. They are HUGE now!

In other boob news, I am producing milk! Just leftie so far but holy shit M.I.L.K! I couldn't believe it when I saw it but it is true. I am very hopeful that this means I will be able to breastfeed since that is something I really want to do. Our goal if for formula to never touch the baby's lips and for them to go from BM to cows milk. It is a lofty goal but I really want to do it. I think it is important from a developmental stand point and from a bonding stand point. Since I don't really believe in nipple confusion, baby will be getting bottles but they will be of breastmilk, that way Daddy can bond too.

I took my first prenetal Yoga class and it kicked my butt. I am still sore the day after but it is a good sore. I have it agian tomorrow and am not going to try as hard as I did last class. If anyone has a recomindation for a Prenatel yoga DVD let me know, I would love to be able to do some at home too.

No real aches or pains at the momment, just a growing belly and baby. Here is what is happening with Baby according to babyfit: "Your baby weighs over 10 ounces (.28 kg) and is slightly longer than 7 inches (17 cm), which is about the size of a large banana—but what a personality! The rapid growth phase has slowed, but organs and other body systems continue to mature. The swallowing reflex is in full swing and your baby will begin to "drink" amniotic fluid, which helps his digestive system to develop. Your baby's oil glands are also starting to produce a waxy substance known as the vernix caseosa, which soothes and protects his skin in the amniotic fluid. And the buds for permanent teeth are forming! No smile yet, but that'll happen sooner than you think!"

Monday, August 18, 2008

Today I was Happy

Today I visited my friend and fellow pg after IF blogger Ava in the city for some lunch and beach time. We had a great time just chatting about marriage, pg after IF, feminism, impending motherhood, and birth. Time flew by and before I knew it we had to say good bye but I wasn't really ready to go home.

So I stopped two exits short of home and took a walk from the Public transportation I had used to get into the city to the park. I bought a new book on the way there and sat in the shade and read, for two hours. For two hours I both read my book and people watched while drinking bottled water.

And when it was time to go home I did so but before I went home I realized it has been over a YEAR since I had a day like today. Sure I have enjoyed the beach, enjoyed friends, enjoyed the park during the last year but enjoyed a park by myself with children running around and be OKAY with it. It has been a long time since I have done that!

So today was a happy day, possibly the first true happy old me day I have had in a really LONG time. I am hopeful for lots more of them, and soon. It would be nice to get to know the old me again, before the mommy me tries to take over in January.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Who Wants Pictures!?!

You Asked for them:

As for belly pics, here is 20 weeks:

Friday, August 15, 2008


Sorry for yelling but I am just so damn excited about today. Today I am 1/2 way done with my pregnancy. Although it is unlikely for me to go on my EDD (estimated due date) and I probably have something like 21w 3d left of this pg not just 20 weeks. Unlike most women I have no hope of going early, in fact I want to go late, not to late but maybe a week or so. Just because I think New Years would be a sucky birthday, sorry baby.

This week I feel the baby moving a lot more. I feel her daily and it is great. I can't feel anything from the outside yet and most likely won't for a few more weeks thanks to the extra pounds my body has. Speaking of pounds, since there was no Dr appt today/this week we will have to trust my home scale that I have NOT gained my 5 pounds yet! I am very excited to have made it to 20 weeks with less than 5 pounds of weight gain. Just goes to show you that us fat girls don't have to pack it on like the skinny girls do. When I see my DR in 10 days we will see what they say about gaining a pound every other week from here on out. I would LOVE to prove my mom wrong and gain less than 25 pounds, she doesn't think I can do it.

Baby this week from
"Weighing in at about 9 ounces (.25 kg) and measuring over 6 inches (15 cm) long, your baby is aware of all kinds of sounds, from the beating of your heart and growling of your tummy, to songs on the radio and the buzzing of your alarm clock. If you feel a "bounce" in your tummy when you hear a loud noise, it's because your baby hears it, too! This is the start of your baby's active phase. You'll feel every twist, turn, and wiggle. You may also hear your baby's heartbeat through a stethoscope, and it's probably faster than you expect — 120 to 160 beats per minute."

Ha a stethoscope! Forget that, I have been listening in to that beautiful sound for 8 weeks now with my doppler! Which I still love and use about twice a week, just because it is so much fun.

Pics are coming BTW. It has been a hectic week since I have been sick but I promise they are coming.

Friday, August 8, 2008

19 Weeks

There is just so little to report today it seems silly to post. But since many of you spoke out that you like the Friday updates I shall continue with them.

Today I hit 19 weeks, this is one week till half way, 5 weeks till viability, and 8 weeks till my baby shower!

I did get the OB call yesterday about the ultrasound, she said little one looks great and we are considered normal! Wooo hooo. This means the u/s showed no down's or spinal abifatia markers. Everyone is very happy about this news!

I feel great, taking lots of naps again, but only on days I take care of my niece and nephew in the am. They still wear me out.

I have gained about 3 or 4 pounds total so far. It is hard to tell. I don't trust the scale at the OB and mine at home isn't the most accurate so it is hard to tell if it is three or four pounds. Either way I am doing just fine. My hope is to make it to 20 weeks with under 5 pounds of weight gain. I think I can manage that. From that point on I can gain up to a pound a week (for a total of 25 pounds), although I am hoping for just a pound every other week (for a total of 15 pounds). Since 15-25 pounds is considered great for a first pregnancy I would be happy with either. Of course at my size it would be nice to gain as little as possible.

This is what baby center says about this week:
"Your baby weighs about 8 1/2 ounces, and measures 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. The hair on her scalp is sprouting. This is a crucial time for sensory development: Your baby's brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Some research suggests that she may be able to hear your voice now, so don't be shy about reading aloud, taking to her, or singing a happy tune if the mood strikes you. "

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

"well its nice to know that you have great tits here."

All comments get e-mailed to me as they go up. I don't "moderate" them because when people have disagreed with me most of them have good reason to. But today the comment above, well it shocked me. I went back re-read my post and made sure I hadn't actually talked about 'the girls' on my blog. Being open about IF is one thing but talking about my girls is not a topic I feel should be discussed on the open web. Nope, I hadn't talked about them. So WHAT did this person mean but "you have great tits here"? Wouldn't you know I read it wrong it says "well its nice to know that you have great hits here." Hits not tits doufus! I read it wrong! I must have laughed at myself for about five minutes about that.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


I must admit it is such a boost to my ego to be tagged. It makes me feel popular!

I was tagged by Kristen at I Would Diet for That who blogs about her IVF, her life and the struggle to lose weight. She is a great gal and one of my t-ttc buddies. She is in the middle of IVF right now so go over and give her some love, and baby dust if you have any to spare (Shan, Holly I want you BOTH to give her all of yours. You girls don't need it, right now!)

Here are the tag rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you

2. Post the rules on your blog

3. Write 6 random things about yourself

4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them

5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

So, my challenge is to share six random things about myself. I am kind of an open book, so we'll see...

1) I have a birth mark to the side of my belly button. It isn't a traditional birth mark but rather a cluster of moles in the shape of two people having sex. R and I refer to it as my constellation, and we have found numerous hours of humor in the fact that it looks like two people having sex.

2) If I could have any job in the world I would want to be the grant coordinator for DCYF. I think handing out money to organizations who do good work with children, youth and families sounds like a wonderful job. It has power, money, and it helps others. What more could this radical lefty ask for?

3) R is not my "type" of boyfriend. I think most of my friends were rather shocked when we started dating and even more shocked when I feel madly in love so fast. Before him I dated pretty boys who treated me like crap for the most part. Thank god I found R and married him. I shutter to think of who I would have ended up with if not him.

4) I don't have a shoe or purse fetish. I understand many women love these two things but I am way too piratical to want a 400 dollar purse that in 6-9 months will be out of style. This is why my new obsession for a 200 dollar diaper bag is reticules. R and I both know it but it seems I can't help myself. I want a petunia pickle bag! And as hard as I try I can't seem to convince myself that I don't need it, or that it is too much money for a diaper bag.

5) I have low self esteem. Most people don't guess this about me. I am outgoing, I share my feelings and express myself well but on the inside I still worry about fitting in. I find it hard to make friends and keep them since I disagree with lifestyle choices many people my age make (drugs and drinking) and yet am very liberal too. If I were conservative maybe more I would find more 26-30 year olds who don't drink or do drugs either.

6) I could never leave the bay area, CA. I love my home turf. I love the people, the politics, the lifestyle. R and I have talked many times about leaving, about growing roots somewhere less expensive, but deep down we both are kidding ourselves. This is home:
I have the hardest time tagging people. I worry people hate being tagged or they won't like me because I tag them. (yep that's the low self esteem.) So I am tagging the last 6 people who left comments!
1) Jess at Life at the White House. She does an amazing job talking honestly and openly about what it is like to use donor sperm. I admire her faith and trust in God. She is about to do IUI #1 in a few weeks. Wish her luck.
2) Amandalyn from My So Called Life just found out this week that she is pregnant! Her picture of her positive pee stick brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy for her. Her and her hubby Dean are going to be great parents!
3) Diana is mom to Baby Twiglet now called Kacey. Kacey was due on my birthday but she arrived late as so many first babies do. Like me, Diana had a low first beta, her story gave me much hope those first few days. She is a wonderful blogger friend and one of the only mommies who reads my blog.
4) Shinner writes art4mybaby and as some of you might know is doing a donor egg IVF right now. She has had her transfer and is on bed rest for a while. I am VERY hopeful for her. She will be an amazing mother. Send her some of that sticky baby dust girls. She has had multiple miscarriages and is on levonox to prevent another. Shinner I am thinking good thoughts and praying for you.
5) Patty writes Crazy (Married) Cat Lady. I just LOVE the name of her blog, since I am a cat person myself. She writes about marriage and life in general. Her dad is sick right now and needs prayers, fairy dust or good thoughts. Send what you have, she is to young to be dealing with all of this.
Last but not least I am supposed to tag Jen, but Jen is going through a lot right now. So I have decided to tag her as a way of saying "I am thinking of you" but you don't have to add this to your plate.
Thank you to everyone who plays.

Monday, August 4, 2008

I am on Team Green, still

Baby was all shy and wouldn't show the goods, will you belive that. Yep after all the convincing family did on me to get us to find out and share the sex, it is all for nothing. Baby crossed her/his legs each time the tec tried to look. She tried four or five times too. We actually were laughing about it by the end. Tech was having a good time with us and said "I give you a 50% chance of having a boy, and a 50% chance of you having a girl!"

As for health of baby. Everything looked fine to me but it will be this Friday before we find out what the Dr says. I am a little nervous about that but to my eye the spine looked good and same with the heart. Baby bounced around a lot and I never felt a thing. Confirming my suspicion that I hadn't felt him/her yet. Dh and I are undecided about going to a 3d u/s place, his bro's wedding is this month and we have a vacation planned too, so money could get tight toward the end of the month. We are thinking next month we will go.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Boy or Girl???

I took down the poll today. Seems most of you think it is a boy 48%, 11% of you think I am having a monkey and 40% think it is a girl.

Well my friends agree with you, they all say boy too, although they know how much R wants a daughter so they are hoping to be wrong. Family on the other hand all seem to think it is a girl. If you ask me I will pull neutrality most of the time and other times I will actually share that part of me thinks it is a girl, but I am not sure if that is just because R wants a little girl. Don't get me wrong R would be happy for a boy or a girl, healthy is all we are praying for BUT he has always thought he would have a daughter. I thought the same thing to as a teen and even as an adult but obviously infertility changed that. Infertility has made me thankful for morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms, grateful for the chance at a pregnancy and a healthy baby and knowledgeable that some aren't so lucky.

Debating gender seems trivial when what tomorrow is really about is determining if the baby is healthy but it is fun to guess and my worrying won't change anything. So wanna play?

The following are some old wives tales about gender:

1) If you carry high, it’s a girl. Low, it’s a boy. There is no high on my 5 foot 2 body so BOY!

2) If the heartbeat is under 140 bpm, it’s a boy. If it is over 140 bpm, it’s a girl. It always seems to be up above 150 just about every time we listen so that would be GIRL.

3) Tie your wedding ring to a string and dangle it over your belly. If it swings back and forth, it’s a boy. If it goes in circles, it’s a girl. It doesn't matter who holds the string, it goes in a circle: GIRL

4) Chinese Gender Chart ( say this is correct 90% of the time. I was 25, and the month was April: BOY

5) If you have acne during pregnancy, it’s a girl. If you don’t, it’s a boy. Pregnancy has cleared up my acne, BOY.

6) If you have morning sickness, you’re having a girl. If you don’t, you’re having a boy. I don't know, does morning sickness count if you don't throw up? If non-throwing up count:Girl if it doesn't: Boy.

7) If your breasts have gotten bigger, you’re having a girl! If they’ve stayed the same, it’s a boy. Then it’s definitely a GIRL!

8) If your left breast is bigger than the right, you’re having a girl. If the right breast is bigger than the left, it’s a boy. GIRL.

9) If your urine is neon yellow, it’s a boy. If it’s a dull yellow, it’s a girl. um, gross... Boy.

10) If you’re hair on your legs grows faster, it’s a girl. If it stays the same, it’s a boy. Girl

11) If the dad to be is gaining weight with you, it’s a boy. If he stays the same, it’s a girl. Girl.

12) If you have headaches, you’re having a boy. If you don’t, it’s a girl. BOY.

13) Girls steal your beauty. If you look better than before, it’s a boy. If you don’t, it’s a girl. Everyone says I look great except my hair which has no body or shine (not that it had much before either) I thing this is a toss up like the morning sickness...

14) If your feet are colder than usual, it’s a boy. If they’re the same, it’s a girl. GIRL.

7/14 Girl
5/14 Boy
2/14 Toss Up

Tomorrow we hopefully find out and the guessing can stop. If you have some prayers, don't pray for gender or to see the goods, pray for a healthy baby. Because more than anything else that is what R and I really want.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Family Relations

What is family? Who is my family? In a world where families live thousands of miles maybe even oceans apart, what is family?

I have been asking myself this a lot recently. As we have talked about before I don’t have a relationship with my bio-dad. And while in the eyes of the law he is still my father, I certainly don’t see things that way. I am much closer to Pop. Pop or Bill is R’s ex-step dad, or his mom’s husband after she divorced his dad who she is now divorced from. In the eyes of the law R has NO legal relationship with Pop, they are “legal strangers”. But we see Pop almost once a week, we have him over for dinner, I give him hugs, he was the second “grandparent-to-be” we told we were pg. He is the ONLY one in R’s family that knows we had trouble getting here. But if R and I ended up in the hospital tomorrow (god forbid) my dad would be allowed into the ICU but Pop wouldn’t.

That is FUCKED UP!

To make matters worse, legally it is very hard to divorce a parent here in the state of CA unless you have thousands of dollars to spend. There is no “do it yourself” form or paperwork, believe me I have searched and searched for it. The process has yet to be defined on how to dissolve a parent child relationship once the child is over 18yrs of age.

I have spoken to two family lawyers, been down to the county court house a few times and still an no where closer to dissolving this relationship than I was years ago. The best I can do is protect my child, because I can’t protect ME! Yep that is right I can’t actually protect ME but I can my kids. So R and I are looking into that right now. Most likely a will stating that my father is to have no contact with my children, biological, or adopted will be enough to protect them, so that in the case of my death R will not be forced let him see our children. Because as odd as it sounds some parents are forced to allow contact between children and grandparents.

But what about me? The law has yet to find a way to protect what I want. A living will might protect me some but not completely.

And what about R and Pop? As hard as the reality is that my father might be allowed to visit me if I were in a coma, what is harder for me is that if R were the one in the Coma, Pop might not be allowed to visit. I would have to “vouch” for him and even then the hospital would be under no legal obligation to allow him to visit.

That our laws don’t protect us amazes me, horrifies me, out rages me. And yet I know some people; friends, acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors have it so much worse. At least my government recognizes my union, my marriage. What would you do if the law wouldn’t recognize your marriage? It is hard for me to understand just how painful that would be, and yet that is the reality for thousands of couples.

California gained the right for same sex couples to marry this year. Hallelujah! But it is being challenged and in November it will be up to us voters to recognize the love and unions these couples have and embrace it. PLEASE my fellow Californian’s EMBRACE it.

Friday, August 1, 2008

18 weeks

I am not so sure I like doing these milestone posts. Do you like reading them?

18 weeks today! That seems like so far along and yet some how I don't believe it. I am almost 1/2 way there! Monday is our big u/s. After much debate about finding out the gender and if we would tell the world we decided that if on Monday baby gives up the goods we will share the news with everyone. So assuming baby spreads 'um and the tech isn't an idiot Monday I will know and so will all of you, if I am team pink or blue.

R's mom and I had a good chat this week. She loved the pics I sent her. She is very excited and has decided I am having a girl. I told her that is what R and I think too.

My health is doing well. Less anxiety in general and lots less baby anxiety. I gained 2 maybe 3 pounds this week. :( That brings my gain to 4 pounds. I plan on waiting till the Dr on Monday so see if she agrees. From everything I have read 4 pounds is just fine, but I just worry since I am already so big to begin with. Our spinal abifatia results were negative putting our risk at 1/1500. I wish it were lower than that but those are still great numbers. Monday's u/s should eliminate the risk almost entirely.

This week baby is the size of a sweet potato. She is flexing her arms and legs now and feeling movement is passable. I have thought a few times I might be feeling her move but am still not sure.

Not a wife, huh?

If you go to my last post you will see that in response to something I am not I wrote "WIFE". Patty seems to be the only blog reader to pick up on this, or maybe you saw it and know me and aren't surprised by this answer at all. For those, like Patty, who are under the impression I am a wife let me clearly assert that I am in fact NOT a wife.

Yes, R and I are married. Yes, I am a woman and he is a man. But I am still not a wife.

In our household their is ONE four letter word that hurts me if spoken, it is the 'wife' word. For me the expectations of that word are much like the C word. It means to be property, to be owned, to be demure, quite, and less than equal, I am sure many of you disagree. I think that is wonderful, we are all different, and we can be friends and disagree. But for me becoming a 'wife' would be like disowning my liberal feminist ways. My brain couldn't connect how to be a wife and a feminist at the same time and so I chose. I would be married as a partner, still be a feminist and could keep being who I was before the wedding.

At our wedding R and I were pronounced "partners for life" rather than husband and wife. It was a choice both of us made a choice that in our relationship we were partners. "husband" and "wife" are to loaded with expectations and gender roles for us. R is no more a husband than I am a wife and I hold him to higher expectations because of the terms we use to describe our roles in marriage. We are partners, not husband, not wife, we are equals in this relationship, in a way I didn't feel possible if I was the "wife" and he was the "husband".

This isn't to say that my friends who are wives aren't partners too or that I think there is something wrong with being a wife. I would love to have a wife, it just isn't a role I wanted to play. It was a personal choice, and a choice much like not taking my husband's name. It just isn't a title I am interested in.