AF is here & an epiphany

At 4:30 am today AF showed. :( I am sad but not devastated like I have been the cycles before. I think the blogging and alcohol helped me not get my hopes up. I did the math today and actually me EDD won't be the week of BIL (brother-in-law)'s wedding. If pg this cycle I would be 2 weeks after my EDD. So R and I need to have a talk. At least we have two weeks to decide what to do. In other fertility news I think I want to buy a fertility monitor. I am going to see if R will work with me on buying one since I know the idea of spending 200+ dollars on one will freak him out. But I think it could be less stressful for us than charting or having sex the whole 10 days that I could ovulate. I also hate the idea of spending that much money on it but he is the one who doesn't want to go forward with more tests. And so far I think we have only spent about 200 on everything so lets just double that! ;)

The more I think about the testing the more I think my tubes might be blocked. When I was a child I had a rare blood disease. I will call it HLSLPP because spelling it out I will butcher it. Basically it breaks down the walls of the red blood cells and causes internal bleeding. It is VERY rare and I don't have it anymore. There is no cure but it does get better and cure itself in the patients who don't die from it. The reason I think it has blocked my tubes is because it can. I just have this weird feeling that the issue is me not R. So if I ovulate and my numbers are borderline PCOS but not PCOS then what is keeping us from getting pg? I just don't know.

I think I spoke of this in an earlier post but I want to elaborate a little. I had an epiphany this week about out t-ttc. I think god has been trying to tell me it won't be easy for a while and I just wouldn't listen. Here is why: Almost every couple I have ever nannied for has had some form of IF, t-ttc or pg loss. Kate mommy to A and N twins, had an early pg loss before them. Debbie mommy to G and Kate's partner had a chemical pg. Both ladies used sperm donors to get pg and had IUIs. So even as a teen God was exposing me to women with fertility issues and ways to overcome them. Then there is Diane, mom to T and J also twins. T and J were carried to term by a surrogate using donor eggs and her husband's sperm. Diane also had multiple pg losses due to a uterine lining issue, including TJ who she carried for 15 weeks and then her water broke. She carried him for 12 more weeks until she was 27 week along before giving birth. He lived for days and then passed. She never held her son alive. I remember her telling me all this and feeling so bad for her. Now I wish I could go back and hug her, I understand on a much deeper level now. Even S's mom told me she had fertility issues and that is why S was an only child.

So see I have been surrounded by women with fertility issues for a long time now. It is like God was trying to show me that not all women get pg their first cycles like the ladies in my family. I just didn't want to hear him yelling at me, so he slammed the door in my face. "Nope, you have more learning to do before I let you in to motherhood" he is saying. Well God I am listening, watching and trying to learn. Show me what I need to learn the lessons to get to motherhood because I know that I am getting in.

If this all sounds bitter I don't mean it to. I am okay with the path we are on now. I have come to terms with it. Now I just need R to come to terms with it so we can move on, move forward together.