Thursday, July 31, 2008

You know how to play: tag!

Echloe tagged me! And I have to answer each of these questions with one word, and tag 4 others.
1. Where is your cell phone? Ear
2. Your significant other? Partner
3. Your hair? Dull
4. Your mother? Amazing
5. Your father? Ugg
6. Your favorite thing? Sleep
7. Your dream last night? Scary
8. Your favorite drink? Milk
9. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
10. The room you're in? Dinning
11. Your hobby? Scrapbooking
12. Your fear? Loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
14. What you're not? Wife
15. Muffins? Blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? House
17. Where you grew up? California
18. The last thing you did? Ate
19. What are you wearing? Maternity
20. Favorite Gadget? GPS
21. Your pet? Izzy
22. Your computer? PC
23. Your mood? Tired
24. Missing someone? Zoe
25. Your car? Broken
26. Something you are not wearing? Shoes
27. Favorite Store? Macy's
28. Like someone? Cat
29. Your favorite color? Yellow
30. When is the last time you laughed? Hours
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

I won't be tagging anyone. If you decide to do this leave a comment. Hopefully four of you will, if not spank me and put me in blogger timeout for not obeying the rules.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

A conversation with my nephew

Julian: Auntie, is there a baby in there? (points to belly)
Me: Yes (beaming)
Julian: When is he going to come out and play with me?
Me: Not for a LONG time.
Julian: How about tomorrow?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Why I don't like Nurse Practitiners (17 weeks)

I have been trying for over a week now to get my next routine baby check up with a real live Doctor rather than an NP. A new friend asked me why this was so important to me. Well first I think it will help with the panic, I saw a Dr on Saturday in the ER and she calmed me down immensely. Oh wait you guys don't know about the ER trip. Basically I was having a stabbing vaginal pain with some yellow white discharge and then had a panic attack thinking I might be losing the baby which caused abdomen cramps. So off to the ER we went. Baby is fine, cervix is fine, I am fine and the OB Dr on call was great. She spent 30+ minutes with us calming me down. We talked alot about my stress levels and my anxiety, and she seemed to understand. The vaginal pain is not normal but the good news is that it isn't enough to open dialiate or change my cervix. She also reminded me how rare it would be to have something go wrong. Which made me feel a billion times better, some how giving me the actual risk of my cervix failing me was comforting.

Okay but I am getting WAY off track. Why I don't like NPs: I don't trust them. I am sure the majority of them are great but I have shitty luck with them. Lets start with my most recent one who said I most likely do have Gestational Diabetes but wanted me to wait on the test for it. And the one before that who at my fist Kaiser appt told me the cramping wasn't normal and increased my risk of m/c but when I talked to my regular Dr she said LOTS of women cramp and most of them don't have a m/c. If we work our way back further to when I was between the age of 16-22 (before R). I had a condom break on my boyfriend and I. You can get the lovely story about how I went in for the plan b and came out in tears because the nurse told me that I must have been "doing it wrong". Talk about freaking me out. I went home and cried for hours thinking not only was I going to get pg (she wouldn't give me plan b till the next day!) but that I was also bad at s.e.x.

This all translates into little faith in Nurse Practitioners, and thus little faith in the care I am currently receiving, but the good news is it does look like I will get an appt with my Dr! The first one they gave me is ten minutes before my "BIG U/S" and thus won't work because I have to be in radiology for that and I have to check in 10 minutes before my time. I have yet to figure out how to be in two places at one time so that won't work. I am just awaiting word on if there is another time available to see the Dr. hopefully that day!

Baby this week from "Baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. The umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and those little fingers and toes are now topped by one-of-a-kind prints. " And she is the size of an onion!

This week has been an emotional on for us, obviously, with the whole Zoe thing. I have cried a lot about it but will be okay. Emotionally I am feeling better about this pregnancy and that is good. I am also looking forward to seeing the baby in a week and three days at the u/s.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Baby fine, Doggy not fine

Zoe is my rescue dog she lives with my mom but mom and I "share" her. We got her from the SPCA 5 years ago and she is just a doll. But she is now 11 and like many 11 year old dogs her health is failing. Recently mom and I have both noticed she is in a lot of pain and so mom took her into the vet. It is the C word, it is all over and she is in pain. Mom and I both believe in quality of life over quantity, for humans and pets. However she also knows if she had put her down while I wasn't there or didn't get to say good bye it would kill me. So on Saturday we are doing it, together. Zoe will spend tonight with me and R so I have some time to say good bye. I am very sad but know this is the right thing to do. She snapped at me twice during her last bath, she has never done that and has started to act aggressively toward my mom too. She is in pain and neither of us blame her for it but it also means she isn't safe to be around for kids. With my sis and her kids living with my mom and her levels of pain the Vet said "soon" when we asked when we should do it. So Saturday it is.

I am very sad, very very very sad about losing her. She isn't the first pet I have lost to C and sadly with the levels of pollution in the world she won't be the last. Please, I will need strength to get through this so please don't question our decision. Thanks for all the support ladies.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The whiny club

Why is everyone so upset when I tell them I didn't have morning slickness? I admit to not feeling well and being rather whiny about it in the first tri but I didn't trow up and the only thing I gaged on was my Prenatal vitamin, but for most this isn't enough to be considered "real" morning sickness. Then when I tell them the heat, even our 100+ days don't bother me more than normal, I start seeing steam come from their ears. And God save us if I mention how lucky I feel to be pregnant and that I like my belly (not when I am naked but I do like it clothed). I don't understand why everyone from friends to relatives to the apt manager gets mad at me for not having those "joys" of pregnancy they had. It has gotten so bad that I finally have started answering the question "did you have morning sickness?" with "no, but oh boy these hormones are crazy!" And I am being honest when I say that. I mean after all you all read this blog, don't you think I have gone crazy? I sure do!

This seems to make them happy. Why? I am still not sure, I have a feeling it is a bonding thing. You know a way for them to see if I really am a part of the pregnancy club or if I am just packing on the pounds. So far they seem to be letting me in but only if I talk about the crazy hormones, and show them my pee sticks, not really, but people love seeing the u/s pics. Let this be a lesson to all you newly pg ladies and soon to be pg ladies remember to exaggerate all your cravings, nausea, and pains because 'the club' only accepts whiners.

Friday, July 18, 2008

16 weeks!

Holy crap I am 16 weeks! In some ways it feel like April 25th (the day I got my BFP) was forever ago and in other ways it feels like yesterday. I am so happy to have made it this far and to have had a fairly good week. Lets start the post with a belly pic from this week:

That is my new dress. I LOVE it! It is from Mimi Maternity and amazingly is a L rather than an XL. An XL might have fit better but the stupid store only goes up to a Large! I have been living in it since I got it, it feels so good on. I also love how HUGE my belly looks in it!

More exciting news is that my Gestational Diabetes test, the one hour test, came back NEGITIVE! I am so happy to not have it. It means I can still have In and Out once every other week. In simi-related news I gained my first pg pound this week. I am not excited or happy about it but also feel really good about having just put on my first pound. I am sure there are more to come but my goal is to get to 19 weeks with only three pounds put on. I think that is very doable for me.

Emotionally I am doing better too. I have a therapy appt with a anxiety specialist in a week. I hope I like her. I really think this is a good thing for me and am very optimistic about getting some help. I am reminding myself that this is a disease and that like most diseases you just can't will it to go away. I am also focusing on getting better on learning calming techniques to help me relax and not panic over other life issues as well. My mom and R have both been great about me seeking help and I feel so thankful for that. Hopefully some new strategies and coping mechanisms will help me enjoy this pg more and be the happy pg woman I have always dreamed of being.

Yesterday was also an exciting day for me. I got my FIRST stranger comment on my belly! My mom was there to see it happen and I just glowed for hours afterward. It made my day! I wanted to hug the woman I was so excited. I can't wait for more comments, hopefully all nice ones like hers.

Lastly baby this week: Lets get ready for a growth spurt! In the next few weeks baby will double her weight and add inches in length! Right now baby is the size of an avocado (yummy mommy loves those) and is 4.5 inches long weighing 3.5 ounces.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Follow up, & Screening Results

It kills me that my last post hurt someone because I never would have wrote what I did if I thought it would have hurt her or any of you. I cried a lot to R about it. Mostly confused tears, and because making another person as upset as she was makes me feel like scum. I hate it when i hurt people especially people who have been through so much. Hurting someone in the loss community is just wrong. You guys have been through so much, you didn't deserve to be kicked when you are down.

I keep thinking about the term. Here is my conclusion: it is like using the "n" term with an "a" on the end rather than "er" if you are black/African American or the "fag" term if you are LGBTQQ. If it applys to you then you can use it and while some might be offend most won't call you out on it, but if not then people will be offended. I don't agree with this logic, personally I don't like either of the above words and don't think anyone should use them, but these seem to be the rules in our society and it seems like I stumbled onto a term in our little infertile community that is similar to those above. Anyway what I am getting at is I am sorry. I hope my blog readers forgive me for my transgression, and know it won't happen again.

I did have a good few days this weekend. I spent time with R and some friends. Emotionally I have been better. I feel hormonal still but I get out of bed and feel fairly confident in greeting the world.

At our last apt with the OB I was told our NT scan was great and blood results were negative but yesterday in the mail got a letter saying that our results for downs were "less than 1/290"..... ummmm..... I am 26 my risk going into the test was 1/900, WTF? I did a good job of not panicking but today placed a call in to the prenatal screening department. I got a really nice lady who explained that Kaiser mails out a "standard" letter for all patients whose results come back negative. My REAL risk given the test is 1/10,000 for Downs, and trisomy 13&18. I told her that sounded much better to me! I asked why the letter didn't say that and she said because most people don't understand how the stats all work. I was okay with that. I talked to her about the AFP screening and she was pro me getting the test. Her argument is that I will worry more about not having it and the "what ifs". In her opinion the risk of a "false positive" is very low. I told her I wouldn't do the amnio and she said then multiple u/s would be recommended and could rule out most of the things they test for it I got a +. R and I talked about the AFP tonight. I think I will get it. I wouldn't terminate unless I was going to give birth to a child who would die once born but I would like to be prepared.

Lastly thank you to everyone for your support. I feel so lucky to have friends like you.

Friday, July 11, 2008

15 weeks with an edit note.

I won't lie, I have had an awful week. Baby is fine don't get me wrong but between having a history of depression and the pg hormones I am a mess. I cry everyday, sometimes twice a day. I cry from worry mostly and because normally I am a fairly sensitive person but hormones have increased that 10 fold. Today after meeting with a nurse/therapist R and I decided that two things need to happen. One I need to stop reading some of the blogs I currently read, basically all my ---edited to say loss rather than deadbabymama, since a reader felt this is an offensive term--- blogs. If you are one of them I am SO sorry for not being able to read. I really, really am but I need to get to a point where I can read them and not worry to the existent I am about me and this baby. I seem to be overly aware and in information overload of all the bad stuff that can happen. We have agreed to re evacuate how I am doing emotionally in two weeks and see where to go from there on blog reading. The second decision R and I made was no more reading What to Expect When Your Expecting. That book is not good for me at all.

I will be seeing the therapist again in a month, sooner if I need to. And she will do a phone consult any time if I need that. I have a history of depression and panic attacks so no one in my family is surprised that I am needing extra support right now. If you know me IRL and have the time and energy to offer the extra support R and I would love that. I think he is a smiggin overwhelmed with me right now. I have been asked what I am taking for the panic from a few people. The answer NOTHING. I will go on something once the baby is here and I am not breast feeding. Drugs are great and I don't mind them at all but the binifit for me doen't outweigh the risk for baby in my mind. Yes there are many class B anti depression anti anxiety drugs but no class A. This baby shouldn't have to be exsposed to class B drugs because something is wrong with me unless my or her (baby) life is in jepordy or one of us is ill. This is MY decission for THIS pregnancy but I do support other women who take meds durring a pregnancy and next pregnancy, if we are that blessed, I might make a diffrent choice but this is my choice right now.

In other Dr news I had a prenatal check up today. I had been having cramps and worried about a shortening cervix. My cervix is fine (I knew this but as stated above I've been a little panicked recently). I also am worried about Gestational Diabetes, since my glocose has been "high" before. I talked the the NP (nurse practitioner) and she agreed to test me early. So next week I have that test. I am not looking forward to it but it would explain so much if in fact I have it.

That is it for now. I hope all of you understand and will support me. Thanks for reading.

Note about the edit: To my loss bloggers. My sencerist appoligies if I offened you by using the term "deadbabymama". A few bloggers use this term in self referance and I had thought it was okay for me to use too. It wasn't sensitive of me and I was wrong, I realize that and hope you forgive me. I am leaving it as an edit note and not removing the term because I think ereasing it is like acting like it was never said. I don't think that is right so I am leaving this note. I hope those I offended forgive me. Those who "know" me from the boards know I would NEVER say something with the intention of hurting you. You have been through enough. Again I am sorry.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

July 8th 2006

Two years ago today I married my best friend. We became partners for life and haven't looked back. I can honestly say that I love him more today than the day before and will love him more tomorrow than today.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Today is better.

So obviously I was upset about last night when I last posted. I was upset enough to blame R, to yell at him for making us tell in person and this "early". And I wasn't really thinking about R all that much. I knew he was hurting but not to the extent that I do now. However he also doesn't blame his dad, he blames the cunt (dad's wife). While I see his point that she did all the talking, did all the questioning of our choices I also saw a man (R's dad) who didn't smile or congratulate me. A man who let his wife tell us we made a mistake and in my opinion silence is agreement. So I blame them both, R blames her. I know part of it is because we see things differently but another part is that he desperately wants his father's approval. WHY? Not really sure, but he does.

Today we are doing better. I made it clear i want nothing to do with either of them for the next two months till R's brother's wedding. He is fine with that. I also said I will never be going out to dinner with them, he's not okay with that but for now is letting it slide. We both are talking about it with each other in a calm manor and that seems to be helping each of us feel better.

Now our good news of the day: Both R's siblings now know and both were really happy for us.

14 Weeks

Sorry it has been so long since the last post. I will start at the beginning of this week and work our way through to today from there.

Tuesday, I went to get my hair done. A friend of mine is a stylist and I have been using her for years. I love going and talking about normal stuff. I decided this time to go ahead and get color put all over the highlights. I figured being out of the first tri it was safer than doing both and still needing toner to give extra color to the highlights. While there another woman came in with her 5 month old, we began chatting and when she said "Sasha (baby's name) is such a miracle and completely worth the wait" I thought "cool an IF patient like me!" NOPE! It took her 4 months! While I admit I was restless at four months looking back I laugh at myself. I ended up telling her how long it took us and from there a conversation bloomed with her hair dresser about IF treatments. She has two friends currently starting the process. I gave her my recommendations and then wrote it all down to pass on to her friends. My hair dresser and I are friends but she had NO idea about the fertility treatments, well now she does! It felt good passing on the info and also being able to in a round about way tell my friend what we went through to get here. And to boot I love my new cut and color!

Friday was the 4th of July so R had the day off. We used the morning to tell his mom that we are pg. She is very excited and wanted to know what we are having. I told her we didn't know yet and she was disappointed. I thought that was funny. I told her it was to early and she wanted to know how early I was. I told her I was out of the first tri and she relaxed a little. She had a m/c between her two healthy boys so I know she was extra worried about that. She listened to the h/b and let out little glees of joy. It was lots of fun telling her! The rest of Friday we relaxed and took it easy.

Saturday we told R's dad and the cunt (his new wife). It went worse than expected. I still haven't processed the whole night so I am just going to re-post what I did on thenest.

Dinner tonight should have been a celebration, since we were announcing being pg but somehow the conversation turned to how R and I were going down the wrong path by having a baby. They told us we should have bought a house first, and they were disappointed I wouldn't be going to school full time now. They told us they don't think we will ever buy a house since we will have a baby and that we can't survive on R's salary (which we already do survive on). They didn't smile not say congrats to me EVER. In short it was awful. I may never speak to them again. I was so upset after dinner it caused cramping which then caused a panic attack. I have since calmed down although I am still not okay with what happened. R is upset and refusing to talk about it he is so hurt by what happened. In short I feel I have every reason to hate my in laws!

So that is my week in a nut shell. Baby is doing fine and is the size of a lemon. She can suck her thumb, wiggle a toe, go pee-pee and is already practicing breathing! A thin coat of hair is starting to cover her body to keep her warm as well.