Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I keep trying to ground myself.

I have spent the last few days on cloud nine. I keep thinking "I am pregnant until proven otherwise" but last night it hit me that on Saturday I will have to test and that if two lines don't appear I will be proven otherwise. That hit like a ton of bricks. Yes the 2ww is wonderful until it is about to end! And then reality bites you in the butt. You have to admit to yourself that this might not be THE cycle for you. That is crushing and so very sobering. And while you want to go back to the place you were just moments before the place where you thought "I am pg until proven otherwise"... you can't go back. Ever moment of thinking I am pg is ended by the crushing reality that you just don't know yet.

So now I enter the second phase of the 2ww the grounding phase. The phase where despite being blissfully happy about the possibility of being pg... despite te joy of having R touch your belly rubbing it and telling the embie to snuggle in safe...despite wanting for the joy to last, you must admit that it might not be. You have to prepair yourself for the disappointment of just seeing one line. And you talk yourself out of testing early like you had planned so that the disappointment is that AF is there not that once again there is just one line.

I keep trying to ground myself but I just don't want to. I want to be happy, I want to act as though I already know there will be two lines because as hard as disappointment is. Somehow trying to keep my self grounded is even harder right now.

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