Friday, May 30, 2008

9 Weeks

We now have a grape! How exciting!?! Honestly I am looking forward to when she is the size of something substantial, like maybe a squash? or a pineapple? Till then it kind of feel like baby steps. Of course I am thankful for the baby steps but just SO ready to be 12-15 weeks. Ready to be able to use my doppler, and be able to check on baby more than just once a week or every other week.

We did get another peak today. It was my first visit with Kaiser and I saw a midwife (YA!). I didn't tell them I have already had two u/s, naughty of me I am sure but I didn't want to risk them saying I couldn't have another. I paced in the waiting room with my mom and R. (Did I mention Mom tagged along for a peek? Well she did.) And when they took me back they made them wait in the waiting room. Umm.... BAD IDEA! I sat in the chair and had a panic attack. A full blown nearly hyperventilated panic attack. I told them needed my husband NOW. The next thing I knew he was there.

R is really amazing, I mean really really amazing. He held me I cried a little but I instantly calmed down. My blood pressure returned to normal and we were able to continue. It took forever for them to get me a room and then another 5 minutes before the MW came in. I begged for her to just do the u/s but she had questions first. I answered them all and then it was down to business.

For someone who knew I was an IF patient she sure treated me with kid gloves. She wanted to do an abdomen u/s but I told her I would FREAK if she couldn't find it on that so PLEASE use the internal. She seemed shocked but obliged, she said most women hate internals, I told her me and Mr. wand were old friends. ;) She toke her time and I told her lets just do this and she finally got the wand in there and stared to find the baby. It took her a second, much longer than it took my RE, and we saw the heart beating! I love that, just love that! The OB's sonogram SUCKED, it takes awful pictures and baby was trying to hid from the camera. The MW couldn't get a h/b count off the machine but it looked about 150. NORMAL! Baby measured 8w5d but was curled toward the wand so she said it wasn't accurate. WHY must K.aiser use out dated technology? Don't they make billions a year?

I asked a million questions to her, most about birth and getting further along. I am still terrified of something going wrong but every week brings me closer to the end of the first tri. Once there I feel like I will be able to breath again.

My 'gifts' are almost all gone or at least they don't show up daily. This is a mixed blessing, but at least I can eat and feel better again. I still don't have much energy. Getting to the gym twice a week is hard at times and I like my naps but I feel good and am doing better. Sorry to all my IF girls still in trenches who had to read my complaining.

My BFF, Shan became an Auntie this week! I am so excited for her. I know she will love being an auntie. Sad to say but when she was here this week visiting me I still couldn't look at the big pg belly pics of her sis. IF still hurts to much, it is selfish but that is still my reality.

Also I told my sis today. I REALLY didn't want to but truth be told I don't think I ever would have wanted to. Our relationship is to stressed, and we just can't relate. She was happy for us, genuinely happy. But, (you knew there was a BUT coming) she said something that bothered me at the end. She said " I know how much more this means because you tried so long" and then "I can relate" REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? YOU can relate? You? HOW? Seriously HOW can you relate. You got pg the second month with number one and the third with number two. I just don't think that compairs to over a year (almost 1.5), and a DR in your hoo-ha when you conceive. I mean really does it?

Tomorrow we are telling Liz who was my MOH (maid of honor), and on Sunday we are telling Pop (R's ex-step-dad). I am excited but nervous. On Tuesday be sure to check in for a BUNCH of pictures!

Would you please pray?

Please pray for Trish and baby C.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


I am so excited I was tagged again!Thanks Lisa for thinking of me! This time it is a little diffrent though. Here are the rules and the story behind this tag:

The Meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were- For Sale: baby shoes, never worn.

1-Write your own six word memoir.
2-Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.
3-Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.
4-Tag five more blogs with links.
5-And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

Since this is my IF now PG blog it makes sense this relate to those things but it doesn't have to.

Some ideas:
1/2 as good is good enough: How I feel about living up to my mom and the wonderful parent she was.
Not lost, Not found but inbetween. : Where I feel I am in this journey to motherhood.
Hope is a bad drug when substutuded for Faith. : But that is more than 6. :(
Was more than hope, was Faith.
Wish fufilled, dream come true: miracle.
Better than exspected, dreamed or hoped. :How I hope motherhood will be.
Wasn't where I thought I left it. : So true but again more than 6 :(
I'm still looking through glass walls.: How I still feel about big pg bellies, but odly enough not pg women who have gone through IF.
Hope + prayer + drugs and science = Miracle

But what seems to sum it up best is:
May love and faith guide me.

Who I am tagging?

Katie who is on bedrest and so maybe this will help her pass some time till her little girl is ready to come out.
Echloe who is so sweet and I really hope she has success at our clinic too.
JGirl2005 who got her BFP right before her EDD of the lil boy they lost at 16 weeks.
Sasha who is going through IVF right now and is in the 2ww. (((FINGERS CROSSED))) for her.
Beth and Brian who shares her due date with me.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Comming home and telling

My sis is moving back, my sis is moving BACK! I am so excited. She has been in Spokane since October and after one HELLISH winter she and her family are moving back to CA. My little one is going to have LOCAL cousins! Ya! Of course there is also a down side to this. My mom is going to have to go up and help them drive down and we have yet to tell my sis about our little IUI miracle. My mom could keep it a secret but I don't want to put her in that spot, so I am going to tell my sis after my u/s this Friday. I am going to ask her NOT to tell the kids. I don't want them to know till I am out of the "risk" zone. I can't wait to have my niece and nephew back in the area. I am going to get to spoil them rotten again!

In other telling news we told R's BFF, Sandra last week. I was so thankful she was happy for us. I have to admit in her shoes I don't think I could have been happy for us. I hope Sandra doesn't mind me sharing this (because with out it I don't think you guys will understand) this year she lost her mom and found out she can't have children without adoption or IVF. Her and her hubby decided to live childless. And now here I am knocked up after our first treatment cycle of an IUI. I am sure at times this will be hard for her but I pray I do my best to make it as easy as passable for her.

Other people who will be on "the know" list soon: Pop (R's ex-step-dad), and my friend Liz, both who we will tell after next u/s along with previously mentioned sis.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

8 Weeks

This week went well and although morning sickness which hits me around 4 pm is getting worse I have finally learned how not to push myself. I am also learning to get in all my fruits and veggies so that is important.

Friday’s u/s was amazing we saw and HEARD the baby’s heart beating. It was 158 beats per minute which is great and well with in the normal range of 120 to 180. I cried when we saw the baby. I was so thankful she is still there and doing well. R got kinda weepy eyed to and it is so fun to watch his face light up. We are both so excited and grateful to be pg.

This week the baby is the size of a raspberry, the leg and arm buds are continuing to grow and now the ends are forming into hands and feet. The fingers and toes are still webbed and WAY to small to see on an u/s but they are there. The eyes are almost completely covered by the eyelids now and the branches of the lungs are developing.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

A letter

Dear baby,

Tomorrow is my 2nd u/s and we should be able to hear your heart beating and get better pictures of you. I hope you like having your picture taken because I am seriously attached to my camera and love to document everything. I am scared about tomorrow, that something is wrong, and that you will not be there tomorrow. I don't feel this way because of a sympom or anything just a mother's worry about her child. The same way I will worry about you first plane ride with Grandpa Pete and your first overnight with Grandma Dallas, as well as your first day at school.

I have just begun to realize how much I love you, how much I want you and how awful life would be without you. You may only be the size of a rasberry tomorrow but I love you more than anything else in the world. Please be there, growing strong with your heart beating away. In return I will try to relax more next week.

I promise to always do what I think is right for you, to always be the best mommy I can be. I am sure at times (thinking ahead to your teen years) you will hate the things I do "in your best intreast" but I am your mother and will always do what I think is best for you.

All my Love,
Your Mommy

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


For all you in the trenches of IF PLEASE skip this post. Baby is fine.

First of all let me startout with the fact that I am thrilled to have morning sickness that is strong enough to put me at ease but doens't make me misrable. However today I feel like crap because of it. Other things that are making me misrable: One I am h.orny. Yes I know I am talking about se.x but no one ever told me this and it is really pissing me off. I am h.orny but to paranoid to do anything about it. It isn't fun. Two: I feel like crap. Combine the nausa with the tiredness and you have one cranky girl on your hands. Three: I am scared as hell about Friday. Friday is my next u/s and I am freaking out already. I just want to wake up in the am and have it be Friday. Please can we just skip Thursday?

Okay so that is it. Enough complining. I am beyond graitful to the universe for being at this point in my life and to be exspecting. I can't wait till Friday so we can see our baby again.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I keep crying

I keep crying. Happy things sad things, memories and such keep making me cry, tears of joy, of happiness and sometimes of pain and sorrow but tears just the same. The perfect example of this is that Tina awarded me with the Kind Blogger Award today and upon finding out, I cried. Other things that make me cry include: finding the perfect quilt pattern for the baby, a fellow blogger writing: "It is so amazing to me that it is our turn. Our turn to prepare as best as we know how for his arrival. Our turn to welcome a little tiny person into our home" and Megan's blog, which always makes me cry to be honest.

I believe this is what my maternity books are referring to when they talk about over-emotional moms-to-be.

I believe it is now my honor to give others the Kind Blogger Award. There are many I would love to have recive it but I have to limit it to four.

- Ava who writes Gametes In Love and is a fellow Nor Cal girl

- Lucy who writes One in Six and who always lends support on the board

-Busted who writes Busted Baby Maker who has been to hell and back and is STILL a supportive blogger to her friends.

- Jenn who writes When will Hope and Faith Pay off who also always is supportive and has a kind word to say about everyone.

Thank you girls for all the support.

Monday, May 19, 2008

They will never understand me if they don’t know

I have always been an open book about almost everything, you want to talk about sex, politics, romance, infertility or my deepest fears, and I'll talk I just need you to be open and honest too. This is always the first thing R mentions about me when asked why he fell in love with me. It is something many people like about me and something others don’t. I am okay with that.

However when it comes to my in-laws I feel conflicted. The person I am and how their family is are very different and to say they don’t mesh well is an understatement. I have spent the last four (almost five) years of my life with R and during that time have learned that unless asked I should just keep my mouth shut.

Well that just hasn’t worked for me. I want it to but it doesn’t. His parents have no clue about the person I am. I love them, they may even love me but they don’t like me. I am to straight forward, and blunt for their passive aggressive ways.

Much of the time this all really doesn’t matter. R claims to be close with his parents but his mom lives 2,000 miles away and they talk about once maybe twice a month. R and his dad speak less than that and he lives 20 minutes away, less than 15 miles from our house. Since the beginning of '08 R has seen his dad 2 times this year and talked on the phone maybe three times. I haven’t seen his dad since X-Mas. But if you ask R his family is “really close and tight knit”. Umm YA RIGHT!

But the point of me telling you all this is that while I have been fairly open about our IF, R hasn’t and even now with us pg, he still doesn’t want to be. Part of this is that I am okay with being the poster girl for IF and he isn’t. Part of it is that R doesn’t want to tell his folks about our “trouble”. He says it isn’t about what they would think but that it is none of their bussness, and I think well maybe not but it is a HUGE part of US. Of WHO we are and WHY we are so happy about the baby.

I have agreed to keep my mouth shut to his family but I question the rational. He wants me to be closer to his family, but the way I do that is by sharing a part of who I am. I simply don’t know how to have a relationship with people who know nothing about me. Please tell me HOW DO I DO THAT?

Friday, May 16, 2008

7 weeks

It’s my BIRTHDAY! Today I turned 26 years old, a “young mom-to-be” by many standards but not THAT young. As a teen my life plan was to get married at 24, or 25 have baby A at 26 and baby B a 28 and a possible third at 30 or 31. Well so far life seems to be shaping up according to the original plan which after a year and half of infertility is nice.

My gifts are all still here. My boobs are large enough now that friends in the know have noticed their growth. They are also sore and on Tuesday and Wednesday they were killing me, Thursday they didn’t hurt almost at all which sent me into panic but my nausea was there ALL DAY instead of normally coming in waves, so I calmed down again. I developed the gifts of clumsiness this week and have bruises to prove it. And my pg brain showed up when I was unable to follow directions on how to get to my first K.aiser prenatal appointment, those who know me IRL will know I have excellent navigation skills so that was very unlike me.

On Wednesday we had our first reallyhot day here in CA and I didn't drink enough water. I got really dehydrated and felt faintish. I felt better once I had three glasses of cold water but it still freaked me out. Then Thursday my allergies acted way up. I can't take anything for them for fear of hurting the baby, well then that night I had my first ashma attack in almost a year. CRAP. I got through it and didn't take my meds but still CRAP. Looks like I need to talk to my Dr before my allergies and asthma put me in the ER one of these days.

This week the baby is the size of a blueberry! Ya, something I can eat! This week begins baby’s growth spurt she is growing from 4mm to as big as ½ an inch this week alone! She is growing leg buds and the buds that are going to be her arms are now divided into sections for the arms and hands. Her brain is subdividing and continuing to grow. The left and right chambers of the heart are also beginning to form.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

1st U/S Yesterday

Yesterday was our first u/s and everything went very well. I was a complete mess before and nearly had a panic attack in the waiting room but it all turned out to be fine. The Dr said that the baby was measuring right on track and we saw a little flicker of a heartbeat. There was just one, R is very happy and relived about that. I am fine. Twins would be nice but R would be such a wreck and so worried about the pg, birth and then care that one is truly better. After the u/s I did feel better for about an hour and then I was worried again. I can't explain it but I am still worried. I try not to but I am.

Part of the problem is that one the sac wasn't perfectly round it was obgloned shaped. I haven't googled it and won't because I know what I will read will be AWFUL news. My Dr isn't concerned so I shouldn't be right? But I am. Then sometimes (but not always) they can count the beats per minute of the heart at 6weeks, I feel into the couldn't group and that has me worried too.

I am a worrier by nature so this shouldn't surprise those of you who know me but it sucks to be worried. Most pg ladies would not have betas or u/s this early but they also wouldn't know about all the bad things either, or how common they are.

As I have said before IF strips away your belief that everything will be okay and replaces it with fear and anxiety. I would love to say the 2nd trimester will be better but somehow I don't think so. Maybe I will relax when she hits kindergarten?

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Rubbing the Bump

Tonight DH and I went to a friend's party and had a really great time although I had to make us leave early (by 9) because of my allergies. One of the girls there was very pg, big bellies still make me jealous but not to the same existent as they used to. BUT then someone rubbed her belly and I wanted to cry. Hormones I am sure, but still I could feel the tears begin to weal. I want so badly to have a big belly that others want to rub. I am actually looking forward to having others (but not strangers) want to rub, or pat my belly. So far the only people who rub my belly are R and I. My mom did when I told her I was pg but hasn't since. For her being able to rub the belly will be weird. My sis never let her touch her bump, but me I can't wait for it!

Friday, May 9, 2008

Okay NOW I am 6 weeks (update)

Today I turned six weeks. This week dragged on and on at points. It took forever to get through Sunday- Wednesday but Thursday flew by thankfully. Bunnies has been calling her pg symptoms "gifts" and I love that so I am copying her. Hopefully she doesn’t mind.

B.oobs my DDD are now over flowing not just my “sexy” bras but also my other ones. I got to admit I am not so fond of this gift, I realize MANY women LOVE it but I am already at a DDD how much bigger do they need to be. They also look like road maps and are very sensitive.

Nausea/Morning Sickness: It has calmed down some. Still not throwing up and now I can cook chicken again (Ya!). It seems to be the worst after a large meal so I try to snack all day, but I still like a large dinner so I am almost always nausea at night. I actually LIKE this gift, maybe it is the old wives tail about it meaning the pg is strong, and thus reassures me. What ever the reason I always get really happy when the nausea sets in.

Bloat: Still no weight change but now even my fat pants feel a little tight in the evening. It could be that anything constricting makes the nausea worse or it could be water weight. I don’t know.

This week my mom was telling me to relax enjoy that I am pg and not to concentrate on all the things that can go wrong. She didn’t understand that IF takes the expectation of good right out of a person. Getting pg is a given to most of the world, something my mom, grandmother, aunts, sister and many friends take for granted, something I assumed I could do easily till I reached 9 months without AF and NOT pg at all. It is something we are taught as children, is natural and as teenagers are taught to fear because “it only takes once”.

But what happens when it doesn’t “take just once”, what happens to our self confidence, our perception of life when conceiving is hard? Bitterness, anger, frustration and lots of FEAR. But that fear doesn’t go away because you get a positive beta, or a u/s with a heartbeat. It lessens maybe for a moment but it doesn’t go away.

My mom thinks I am worried because I read so many blogs were things do go wrong. She tells me she always knew something could go wrong but also knew in her heart it wouldn’t happen to her. Her tone implies that my worry means something bad will happen although she insists she doesn’t mean it like that.

I would love to relax, to not worry about the u/s on Monday to be able to tell more family and friends without overwhelming fear of having to take it back. But I can’t. I am fearful not because I read blogs about loss, loss isn’t contagious. I am fearful because the one thing I assumed would be easy in life wasn’t and thus why should anything else be?

I would like to say mom understands this but I am not sure she does. As for when I will stop worrying I feel like asking my mom: ”Have you stopped worrying about your children yet?”

This week with Baby:
Baby is now the size of sweet pea or a lentil bean. Her brain and spinal cord are continuing to develop and she is sprouting what will become arms and legs. Her nose ears and mouth are taking form as well. Her heart will be beating between 100 and 160 beats a minute, which is why I am so looking forward to the u/s on Monday.
People keep pointing out that when I talk about the embie/baby I say 'she'. I don't know the gender of the embie and since it is not yet a fetus let alone baby I like to say 'she', IT just doesn't do it for me. So I call the baby 'she'. This doesn't mean I think it is a girl though, I have no idea what gender I am having.
As for the how many question: Mother's intuition says one and only one. But I could be wrong, the likely hood there is two in there is 10%. The likely hood of three or more? Lets just say my RE(and the WHOLE practice) has NEVER had triplets or higher from Femara or Clomid. So slim to none but still possible.

Friday, May 2, 2008

6 weeks! hahah I ment 5!!!

Today baby is the size of an apple seed, which seems small until I realize a week ago she was a poppy seed. Her brain is beginning to develop and spine. It is very important I take my folic acid and my Omega 3s now since those aid in proper development.

R and I are both still in shock about actually being pg. We have know for a week but still I wake up every morning and think "holy shit I am pg!". My brain barely comprehends that I am knocked up the reality that this means motherhood and a baby in our house is even more shocking to my mental status. I just didn't think this day was coming this fast. YES I know how ridicules that sounds but I had really tried to prepare myself for the worst, needing IVF or having to adopt or even live childless. I just didn't let myself get to thinking about it working on the first IUI. Of course I am thrilled that it did. I am beyond thrilled and excited but still in shock.

I had my first acupuncture as a pg lady this week, which was kind of weird because I didn't actually have acupuncture during it. Instead we did cupping and motsa to help with my back pain (not IF related) and my allergies. It was very relaxing although I don't know how well it worked because my back doesn't really bother me all that much most days. The Dr wanted to do something for the nausea but I begged him not to. He seemed confused and I told him "right now it is the only thing telling me the baby is okay". He still seemed confused but he didn't press the issue. It was very cool getting to tell the acupuncture place I was knocked up! I really wanted to run into MR Doom and Gloom, just to rub it in, but he wasn't there tonight.

Truth be told I do have another symptom: boobs, they hurt and they look fuller, not by a ton only a little. And they look more veiny. My favorite lace bra is the only one that is fitting differently so far. The pain is only when they aren't supported or if they are being handled, otherwise they don't bother me. R hasn’t said anything about them yet. I wonder if/when he will notice?

Thursday morning I sneezed really hard and it started some bad cramps but 2pm I had to call my RE nurse who told me to go ahead and lay down. I did and what do you know? They just about stopped! Of course then I was worried because my nausea was gone that afternoon. I have just about convinced myself that it is because I did such a good job keeping hydrated yesterday and keeping food in my body. The key seemed to be keeping lots of protein in me and tea. But the lack of nausea last night made me a little paranoid after the cramps. I am going to try and push it out of my mind though. It helps that I woke up nauseous today.

Repeat to self: I am pg, my baby is fine and growing. I am a healthy happy pg lady.

We still haven't told anyone else about our news. We are both dying to but I really can't tell my sis yet and DH's parents can't hold a secret so they are out too. It sucks holding this in but at least I can talk openly about it here. I really want to tell R's ex-step dad, Pop, (did you get that) but R doesn't want to tell anyone else before his mom. I get this and honestly I would be 100% okay with telling her now. BUT when BIL got engaged she told me "I don't care if it is a secret, my boys should know not to tell me something they don't want the world to know". Thankfully R heard her say this and he as been as admit as I have been about NOT wanting the world to know. Actually I don't mind the world knowing but we need to tell R's dad, our grandparents and our siblings BEFORE the world and I don't want them to know till I am 12 weeks. So for now no one else knows.

Week 4 in Pictures.

1) First belly pic 5 weeks exactly!

2)My HPT BFP that I took Thursday, after worrying it wouldn't show up.

3) Me holding it. I was super excited about it showing up. I still can't belive I am pg sometimes.