Monday, April 28, 2008

Good news!

My beta came back at 205. Anything over 110 would keep me in this and anything over 150 is great so I am great, or rather this pg is great. Mom was here helping me orginize the house today so she got to be here for the call. She is very excited about the whole thing. I called R and told him it was good news. He is happy too. I headed him off about "twins" and told him "there is no way to know untill the u/s, which is scedualled for the 12th. Two weeks is a long time to wait but somehow I will manage. I am not getting a 3rd beta, my nurse says it is because my numbers are great. Still would have been nice to get a third, but if I don't need it then that is beter than needing it.

Oh my boobs are sore now. Started last night and they have been sore all day. I don't notice them being bigger but at a DD they are huge already. I am also still nausios all day long. Right now it is particularly bad because I need to eat. So thats is it Iwill update again when I have more new or symptoms.

I have decided I will do weekly updates on Friday, which is when my week changes. I also am doing belly pics on Friday and will post them. Please be nice about my weight. I admit I need to lose it but for now it has to stay on for the baby.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Those who know

I am scared about tomorrow. I have enjoyed the weekend and am enjoying this pg but am scared of it ending. My beta needs to triple tomorrow and to make matters worse I may not get the results till Tuesday morning. I am relaxing to the best of my ability, so please don’t tell me to do that. If you want to send prayers, good thoughts, good karma, positive energy or just meditate on it then PLEASE do.

Acting like a pg woman is harder than I thought. No lunch meat? Really? But in all honesty I am loving it. A few people have asked me “Do you know how lucky you are?” To get pg on the first IUI is wonderful and I am the first to admit I feel damn lucky, but I don’t think R feels the same way. Example while I am slightly concerned about our beta and it doubling, R is sitting there worried about twins. While I thanked God last night in my prayers and keep looking at the blue sunny spring sky saying “thank you” in my head, he doesn’t. It isn’t that R isn’t happy, he is thrilled but to him IUI #1 working was a given. He “knew it would work” from the beginning and isn’t surprised in the least bit. His attitude makes me nervous, like God will look down on him and decide he isn’t grateful enough and take it away.

But I refuse to think that way for too long. This is God’s gift to us and I just have a mother’s instinct that this is it. My beta will double and this pg was meant to be. Please don’t take this to mean I am not scared I am but not as much as I thought I would be. Lower beta’s have gone on to be healthy pg and the fact that today the pee stick actually showed a line is a good sign.

R’s initial reaction was a little disappointing. I had him come home early because the thought of telling him in 3 hours was driving me nuts. When he arrived home I had written on my belly “BABY” and showed it to him. His first reaction was relief that I was okay and then he got really happy. I think there might have been a tear or too even. He has reached over many times to touch my belly during this weekend and talk to the baby. It is very cute.

I want to keep track of people who know so here is my list:
Shannon- Who BTW thought I was joking when I called to tell her the news. She seriously didn’t believe me, and then nearly castrated me for the drinking a last Thursday. Yes that is right I had ONE drink the night before my + beta, which is also the night AFTER my – POAS and for the record NO MORE DRINKING FOR ME!
The nest,
Blog readers
Corrie- a IF friend who is related to R but promised not to tell anyone.

Friday, April 25, 2008


The most wonderful phone call of my life just happened and I can't tell a soul.

I recognized the phone number of my clinic on my cell and decided to go ahead and pick it up. After all I tested yesterday and it was negative, the whitiest pee stick EVER in fact. Not even a hint of a line the next day. (I know because if I look at the trash I can still see it)

When I pick up the phone and it isn't my nurse Sandra I am surprised, it is Dr Hinkely instead.

Me: Hi

Her: Hi...

Me: I already know it is negative you don't have to tell me.

Her: I don't call with bad news.

Me: Huh?

Her: Your pregnant.

me: no.

Her: Yes

Me (sinking in a little) really?

her: yes

Me ((((((Laughing hysterically)))))))

Her: But it isn't as high as I would like it.

ME: okay?((((thinking: please be above 50))))))

Her: It is 54.

Me: So we test again.

Her: Saundra will call you and set it all up. She should call you in an hour.

Me: ((grinning like a Cheshire cat)) okay but I am PG?!

Her: Yes go and tell the world. Your pg. I'll talk to you soon OKAY?

ME: okay.

And that is it.

Now R has been adamit that ONE he is the first to know. So that means no posting this till I tell him and TWO That he find out from me in person.

So I called and am hoping to convince him to come home early. Hopefully in time to tell the nest.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Buying a Mother's Day Card in the 2ww

The wait is KILLING me. I have no patience at all for things like this and I am DYING to test. I keep thinking in 48 hours we will know. 48 hours 48 hours 48 hours! Could time really go any slower?

In other news I have tried getting my mom a card for Mother's Day 3 times so far. Each time I begin reading and then start to cry. Mother's day cards make me cry every year. She means so much to me and I am so lucky to have a woman like her as my mom. She is not just my mom but a best friend too. I don't think many people have relationships like ours.

This mother's day I need a card that they don't make. It needs to read: Thanks for holding my hand through my journey to motherhood. Thanks for buying me my drugs, for offering to help if we need IVF, and for caring so much about how and when I become a mother." But they don't make cards like that. WHY?

If 1/8 couples go through IF then why not make a Mother's day card that mentions IF? When I finally reach that destination of motherhood will R be able to find me a card that says "YOU MADE IT! And what a wonderful mother you are!"? Maybe, but not at the grocery store.

As for my search for a MOM's card I have given up till next weekend. I will either be PG by then or will have become a little bit more okay with not being pg. Either way I hope it makes card shopping easier.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Symptoms and Progestorone

This cycle I did chart for the first two and half weeks because I was scared of ovulating before cd 15 and not getting a +opk. As we all know that didn't happen. I continued to chart after ovulation because well, why the hell not? Only to see my temp rise and then drop and stay low. This worried me.

For those of you who don't know about charting (Shannon), after ovulation your temp should rise because progesterone is being released. Progesterone helps your uterine lining be more sticky/smoshie and thus aids in implantation. It also is required for a viable pg, thus with out it a person would need progesterone to keep her from m/c.

So on Friday when I talked to my RE about R's numbers (all of which were great) I mentioned my low temps. She said since she isn't a big believer in charting that she wasn't worried but that if I wanted I could get it tested that day. Well my results came back and it was a perfect 15! R and I are very happy.

In symptoms news, I have tried to not obsess but that is really hard if you are nauseous! Yes I have been nauseous all Sunday, part of Friday (and almost fainted during blood draw), and Thursday night chicken repulsed me. I have never heard of nausea in the 2ww but if it is a pg symptom then why not a 2ww symptom too.

Maybe this means I will have morning sickness? If it means I am pg then BRING IT ON!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Uhhhhh.... thanks for the hope???

I had my third accupuncture on the 16th and for the first time I hated it. I actually LOVE the acutal accupuncture. For the first time I came home and naped after it. It was the person (student) I disliked. Dislike being a MAJOR understatement. Here is how the conersation went:

Him: So you've been trying for a year?

Me: Just over that.

Him: That isn't that long.

Me: Compared to some your right it isn't but we chose to be seen after a year, when the dx of IF was given.

Him: My wife and I tried for 14 years.

Me: I am so sorry.

Him: Its fine. I didn't want children and I like our life. She was sad for years but is over it now.

Me: mmh, childfree isn't an option for us.

Him: Are you sure your husband wants a child?

Me: (slightly outraged) Yes.

He does his exam and says "I don't see you getting pg until we reslove these underlining issues. Your cycles are too long and you don't bleed for long enough. You have massive chi blockage. I can't be agressive enough on you if you insits on not doing herbs and acing like you are pg in your 2WW."


Him: I will get the Dr.

Dr comes in tells me he hopes this IUI is what works for us and then goes on to say that if I am not pg then maybe taking a month off and doing more exsensive treatment through them is a good idea. He has had lots of women do that and get pg.

Then I have my treatment. I told myself all through the treatment: this will work you are getting pg.

However he already had planted the seed of doubt. I am having a hard time staying positive today but am trying very hard.

And because all of you will say I should talk to the clinic, Done. I am writting a letter and calling the school tomorrow to talk to the head hauncho.

Update: Head hauncho said he will speak to the student and let him know that behavior isn't approprite. I feel better about it now and am back to feeling VERY hopeful.

Monday, April 14, 2008

A letter

Dear Baby(s),

You are just cells dividing and dividing and yet already we love you. Mommy and daddy are asking that you please stick around for the next 9 almost 10 months so that we can love you forever. We of course want you to stick around and come to live with us. We are ready to love,hug, care for and take care of you not just for the next 9-10 months but for the next 25 years. We want to be your mommy and daddy, so please snuggle in tight. Already there are people who love you and want you here on Earth with us.

There is Grandma D, who supports mommy as much as mommy supports her. She is a great grandma already and she would love one or two more babies to love. She promises to spoil you completely rotten, and have you over for sleepovers. She may not ever run along side your bike but she will kiss scraped knees and always have a kind word. She promises "what happens at grandma's stays at grandma's" much to mommy and daddy's worry. She already donates to March of Dimes in your names every time we got grocery shopping, she signs the bottom "little 'Ariel' or 'r' to be". She wants you here with us so please snuggle in tight.

There is Grandma G who knows nothing of our IUI but wants to be a grandma so badly she gives mommy a hard time about it when we talk. She would come out to CA and spoil you rotten and never put you down. She would get up at your 2 am feedings too. When you get older we will visit her in Arkansas and she will let you ride her dog who is more like a pony. So please snuggle in tight.

Your cousins are moving back to CA in the winter and thus will be here for your birth. They love babies and while they aren't old enough to care for you on their own I know they will love helping Mommy care for you. So please snuggle in tight.

Your Auntie Rhea will love being an aunt, she loves infants and her and I will take all of you to the park and on the train and you will love playing with her and the kids. She will take you when Mommy and Daddy need to shower or go shopping. She will love you and kiss you and say you are the cutest little babies since hers were born, and she will be right. So please snuggle in tight.

Your Auntie Shannon and Holly ( not 'real' Aunties but close enough) want you here too. You can go to SF with me and them for the day, go to vote for Shannon when she runs for president. They will love you and hold you and not want to give you back. Holly even said she would take you overnight although mommy isn't sure about that. I do know they will love you and spoil you and mommy. So please snuggle in tight.

Grandpa Pete flies air planes and when you are three he will sit you on his lap and let you fly while mommy stays on the ground and prays for your safe return. He will run you up and down the steep hill and talk shop about planes and trains. He will love you just like his other grandchildren. So please snuggle in tight.

Pop-pop is your last grandparent and he has a unusual sense of humor, just a warning. He plays guitar and will happily teach you. He comes over for dinner once a week and lives close by. You will see a lot of him. When you get older he will teach you about trains, take you to museums, and ride BART with you for free. He loves you too so please snuggle in tight.

I could go on and on about extended family and other cousin's you will have but won't. Please know mommy, daddy and so many others love you already and we want you here on Earth with us. So find a good spot in my nice warm uterus and snuggle in tight.

Love always,

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Wanna do me a Favor?

If you see me, here, on the board or IRL send me: Implantation dust or vibes. I am 4dpo and implantation should be happening anytime now. Thank you.

A little about Beta Day:

As many of you know Beta day is the 25th of this month. R and I have talked about all the kinds of ways we could get this news and how we want to share the (hopefully) great news. So we have decided that I will let the call go to voice mail and then together that night we will get the news. My cell has a speaker and we will use it to get this wonderful news.

However we ask that all of you NOT call, NOT email, NOT page me on thenest and let me tell you guys the news. Because, god forbid, it isn't good news we are going to need time to greive and I will want to be left alone. Does everyone understand? .............. Okay good!

Tagged Again

I have been tagged, yes again, but this time by Maria. I am to list 6 unimportant things about me.

1) I love square dinner plates, R hates them but when we registered he did let me register for some. They are my favorite plates now and the ones we use most often.

2) I hate white walls and yet live in an appartment where we can't paint the walls. I hate it and it sucks!

3) R and I bought BOTH our living room rug and couch BEFORE we had a place to move into. We stored both at my mom's house for about a month while we found a place we liked.

4) I know how to re-apulstry things. Now how many other women my age can do that?!

5) R and I were pronounced "partners for life" rather than "husband and wife" becuase we view ourseves as partners.

6) I never thought I would be a bloger, infact I never thought I would be a part of an online community either. But now I am not sure I can imagine my life without these friends of mine.

Now I will tag: Libby, Liz, Lacy, and Heather.

Friday, April 11, 2008


Warning this post contains TMI! If you don't want to hear about sperm or master.batio.n don't read on.

The gist of it is IUI went great!

Today was a busy day for my family, or at least for my mom and I. She had minor back surgery and I had my IUI. Both went great and now I am with my mom at her house taking care of her. She has to rest for a few days and recover but for an IUI I can resume normal activities right after, okay actually 20 minutes after but close enough.

For the night before my mom's surgery I have to admit I was quite relaxed. R and I cleaned the house a little and then went shopping. What for you might ask? Well porn! Having never used the 'deposit' rooms I had no idea what kinda porn our office would have. Not that R is picky, his stash is at least 8 years old, I know because I packed it when we moved, but because I didn't want him to have any trouble producing.

I have to admit the most awkward part of this whole process was THIS. After all how many people are given a cup sent into a hospital room and asked to fiddle with themselves until orgasm and then provide the proff of said orgasm to the nurse? I would hazard a guess that only 1in 8 go through this. By the way 1 in 8 is the statistical number of us in fertiles and repeat pregnancy loss girls.

R's 'sample' was great! BETTER than his SA! Yes BETTER! We had 180 million post wash! To say I was a happy girl is an understatement.

The nerve racking part of the whole IF is that we are not sure where things fall apart for us. Is it me, is it him? We don't know what is going wrong because at this point tests come back great and we BOTH responded well to this protocol. Being unexplained certainly has its ups and downs!

The actual IUI part was easy. I got undressed from the waist down hoped up on the table feet in stirrups. The RE (not mine) walked in. Went over the results from the wash. The nurse checked our IDs (for the second time that day) and then set everything up. RE put in the speculum. Then laced through my cervix the tube. A few seconds later he pushed down the plunger and swoosh the sperm are in me!

Now some of you may not know this but IUI success is improved if you stay on the table for 15-20 minutes. I rested up there for 45 minutes because they forgot about me. I was happy fr the extra time and so was R.

We have a 12-15 % chance of this working, so keep your fingers crossed for us.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Today was u/s monitoring day! It went well, very well in fact. My mom came with in case I needed to be drove home because I knew if it was bad news I wouldn't be able to drive. I also though given her background in since she would find it rather cool to see my insides, I know I find it cool.

We arrive on time and I am trying to stay calm. I was nervous because I didn't surge on my own today like they wanted me too, but I NEVER get + opks so this didn't surprise me. Normally if buy cd 14 you don't get a +opk then you come in the next day. However I wanted to come in early. My GUT said come in on cd 14, R and I knew that this could mean we would need extra monitoring on Saturday but we decided it was worth that chance.

Well my gut was right! I was very thankful to have come in early, because while tomorrow would have been fine, today was perfect timing according to the u/s tech. My lining today was wonderful. I had been praying for anything between 8 and 9 and honestly anything above 7 would be fine but I really wanted my body to give this the most shot at working, so we really wanted an 8 AND we got it! 8.2 to be exact. She said if she had taken more measurements i could have been as high as 8.5 so I feel great about it! I did a little happy dance on the table and told my uterus "Good job".

As for why this cycle my lining has looked this good. I give 100% credit to my new diet. Honestly all that spinach and high green diet has shown to improve linings and I am a full believe after today! Who knew the South Beach diet would help this much?

Now to my follicles, this made me nervous. On my last u/s at the beginning of seeing this Dr she said one ovary only had four unmature follicles that she could see. Given my age 25 (at least of another month) and my FSH (normal) she should have seen 7 or even 8. She said sometimes that just happens and other times it tells us something. However she said what mattered most was how I responded. Well I have been having 'pain' and a fullness sensation for three days now. I have 2 mature follicles a 21.9 and a 17.6 then trailing behind I have a 15.2, a 14.9 and lastly a 14.2. The last two won't mature in time and the 15.2 has a 50% chance of being mature by ovulation. Either way R decided two days ago that he was okay with triggering with 3 follicles and so I said "LETs DO THIS!"

We turned off the u/s and I was given a print out of my response for my records. Igot dressed and my nurse came in to give me the trigger shot. As soon as she came in I freaked. Have I mentioned I am scared of needles? Oh yes, that is right I have. I didn't want to see the shot and I didn't but when she told me it went into my belly I freaked out.

How in the hell did I miss the fact that a trigger shot is given in the abdomen??? Seriously!?! How did I miss that?

I did let her give it to me and I wasn't too much of a baby. My mom said I did fine but I have to admit I wanted to cry. It pinched going in and out but didn't burn like she said it might. Over all it was fine, physically it was easy, emotionally it was hard but I think that is normal given my extreme fear of those things.

Now I wait. Tomorrow I have my IUI at 9:30 am. R has to go in early at 7 am to give his 'deposit'. I am a little bummed. Our normal office is booked so we have to go to the one further away. It's only 20minutes further but in the am that 20 minutes extra is really 35 wich means R will have to produce his 'deposit' at the office rather than at home. I have yet to tell him this. I know it isn't a HUGE deal but I am afraid for R it is a big deal. He would much rather do it at home than in the lab. It will be okay though.

I have done a TON of research about this whole proccess and things that increase your chances. I don't want to mess with my life too much but I have read a study I want to share with all of you. It has to do with hot vs cold food in the 2ww. The results from the study aren't conclusive but preliminary results showed that IVF patients who ate warm foods in the 2ww, such as soups, tea, and such had higher success rates than those who preferred to drink cold or cool things in the 2ww.

So on top of my pineapple that I will eat starting tomorrow, and all the green foods I will also be eating more warm foods. I have already taken out of the fridge my caffeine free cola and also went and bought some tea to have because I don't like warm water. I am hoping this all helps, time will tell.

PS Mom did like being there and thought the whole thing was very cool. It was good bonding time for us and I am very glad she came with.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

It is CD 12 ALREADY!

It is CD 12 and still no positive OPK and no temp spike so those are good things. I do feel my ovaries at different times in the day. My left one ached mid day and then tonight my right one ached. I haven't ever felt 'pain' like that before. It was new, exciting and worrisome all at the same time. Worrisome because I do worry about missing ovulation. HOWEVER that seems doubtful to my nurse and I trust my clinic. Really I do. Stop laughing I DO trust them, I just like confirmation from the t-ttc board that I should trust them! ;O

If no positive OPK then my u/s will be Thursday. My mom wanted to know if since Ryon has to work she could come. I am sure that is weird to many of you but we are insanely close and I have NO modesty so I said yes. After all, nothing I have she doesn't have! It will be nice to not have to go alone since I am such a worrier.

On Friday about 24 hours after my last Femara dose something happened that at first I wasn't sure I wanted to share in an open forum but if this is going to be an honest place for me I am going to need to share. Friday, I got sloppy, pass out drunk from ONE drink. I am an easy buzz, and I get drunk rather fast too but NOT from one drink. I am sure it has to do with the meds. So please take this as a warning if you are doing or going to do Femara. DON'T drink on it!

This brings my s/e count for Femara to two: headaches and.... well what should we call it?...... easy drunkenness.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Pay it Forward (updated)

I loved this movie. Not the ending for the young boy but the concept and the trickle effect. In my life I have been given things and never asked to "pay it forward" but a month ago I was. Someone gave me something to add ttc to use and simply said "pay it forward". Then my nestie friend got pg and she has a box of something to give me too, she said she would be happy to give it to me. This same nestie then finds out my IUI is to be the same day as my mom's surgery and offers to drive my mom to surgery if I can't. WOW. Let me say that I have never know such generous people as those I have met online. I understand how people met spouses online because I have met many women who do more for me daily than some friends do in a year (this could so me a topic for another post).

Now I have a lot of paying it forward to do. Today as a start I payed forward the 'box'. I won't be able to use it. My RE has advised against it because my lining has been thin in the past. And if I can't use it someone else might as well. So it is off to the other side of the country. Yes from CA to Florida. Her and I have never met but on Wednesday just in time for CD 5 she will receive something I held just today. Amazing right? I don't know how to pay forward the other things yet but I will figure out how and one day will. It really is the little things others do for us that brighten our lives. Till then I keep trying to do little things to brighten other people's days, it is a great way to make the world a better place.


I had to 'update' for legal reasons.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Today was my first accupuncture appt

and it went really well. It didn't hurt I was able to relax and I even felt the tingling sensation through out my body. I LOVED it!

For those of you who don't know this was a HUGE deal for me because I have an intense fear of needles. 10 years ago I was still crying and being held down by nurses for blood draws. Last year I finally moved out of the children's room and now get my blood drawn like an adult. Today was a huge step for me.

Please don't judge my fear because admitting this is all very hard for me. I wanted to share because I thought maybe some of you might be considering going but afraid. I want you to know how good it felt. I was going for my infertility and stress, but they worked on a lot of things today.

She told me that I might experience random crying today and while I have yet to break down and cry I am very emotional today. I want to cry, I just can't. I have a feeling I might be visiting Utube and watching "I would die for that" today.

I also had a very vivid dream last night. I dreamt my mom told me she was pg a year ago and had aborted the baby. It was just a dream but it shocked me. I am very disturbed by it. I asked her about it and she looked at me like I was crazy but did re affirm to me that it was just a dream. I have always had vivid dreams and sometimes they are scary but this one was weird. I knew it was a dream but at the same time I didn't. I remember in part of it I was asking her why she didn't give it to me. She was saying something about me wanting my own children. And all I could think was "How could you?" It was like in my dream I was Pro-life which I am not IRL.

I have to admit though IF has made me question the right to chose. I never thought that could happen but it has. The issue is no longer black and white but shades of grey. Funny hu?

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Last night of Femara!

Tonight will be my last night of Femara and I am very excited for it to be over. The Femara has been giving me headaches, sometimes they are so bad I have to close my eyes. I dug out the sun glasses today so I could do errands with out feeling like some one was stabbing me between the eyes. If Femara truly has less side effects than Clomid then I am NOT doing the Clomid!

My mom is having surgery in a week, on the same day as my projected IUI date. This is less than thrilling news. My mom needs the surgery but the timing is poor. It took me a few days but I decided to not worry about it. Mom is finding a ride to and from without me and R will take care of me that day. If my IUI is in the am afterward I will go to the hospital and wait for my mom. Hopefully this goes well and we both have great success. I LOVE her Dr and he is great so I know she will be fine. He does thousands of these a year and my mom has had this exact procedure before and a procedure like it 4 times before so honestly she should be fine. But that doesn't keep me from being a little worried about it. I am trying to relax though.

My sis and her kids left town yesterday. I had a wonderful visit with them and I am sure in a few weeks will miss them but for now I am glad they are gone. I love the kids but my sis and I just don't get along. She wasn't bad this visit but I just can't relate to her at all. So different and yet we are sisters.

My pre-conception blood work came back negative and so did R's, Woooo hooooo! Now all he has to do is pick up the paperwork and fax it to the RE office so that we are all set for the IUI. I am glad everything came back in time. It does take a huge weight off my shoulders to know that it is all in.

Today I had a pap done through K.aiser. It went well and she ran some extra STD tests for fun. I told her as long as it gets covered I could care less what she wants to run! She laughed. She told me she can't wait to see me KU. We also talked about why I chose RSC over K.aiser. I think she understood that not getting calls back and a wait list of 6 months for IVF isn't acceptable. Consult wait was 2+ months and there are 2 nurses there for LOTS of patients.

I have to admit that I have questionedz my choice once or twice but over all I feel confidant in RSC. I am endlessly worried about missing my ovulation on Femara but my nurse said that I can come in early before a + OPK and get extra monitoring if I feel that strongly about it. I do and if no + OPK by cd14 we will be going in that day for a follicle check.

That is all my news for now. As for how I feel about all of it "cautiously optimistic" best suits me most of the time. But I have moments of euphoria like today while shopping and someone mentioned twins. Just the idea of getting KU with twins thrills me! Mom bought be yet another lamb for my collection and that made me happy. She can't wait to be a grandma again and I can see her excitement in her face. We are all rather excited about my IUI and can't wait to see how well I respond. I really hope we get two follicles for the IUI, and while I know R doesn't want three, I wouldn't mind three follicles, after all that would increase the chance of twins. ;)