Parents

Well this week and last has been filled with lots of news on my t-ttc board. Lots of good and some bad. In two weeks though we have had something like 3 girls get pg on an 'off cycle'. One of whom is also adopting. I was grinning from ear to ear when I found out she was pg and since my mom was right next to me I told her why I was happy. Her response took all my joy away "see if you just relax". I fought her at first, told her the chances were low of relaxing ever playing a part. I wanted to tell her that this cycle I am relaxing about ttc. But I just gave up.

Why is it that I can't speak my mind to the woman who taught me how to speak my mind? Why is she the person who I have the hardest time talking to about ttc? I know why. I just don't like it. It is because she is who I hate letting down the most. It is because every part of me that isn't like her must be a part of my father, and that isn't acceptable to me or her. I miss the old days where my traits were my own, now their are theirs, something they fought over for soooooo long. And with him out of my life you would think the fighting would stop. But she still insists on bringing him up, on calling him "your father". Some days I wish adult children could divorce their parents (him not her) so that when someone said "your father" I could say "I don't have a father" and we could just leave it at that. But I have one and as much as it pisses me off Mom still calls him my "father" although he didn't earn the term.

But this blog is about my ttc not my parents so I have digressed to much. I did need to get that out though so if anyone is listening thanks for doing so. Goodnight!