Monday, December 31, 2007


I feel very broken today. I am sure many people going through IF feel this way but today I feel it 10 times worse than ever before. It is cd17 and I have had two temp spikes but my temp refuses to stay up for more than days and thus Fertility Friend isn't seeing an O pattern. Also the stupid OPKs are refusing to work for me. I may never see a positive anything!!!! DH and I have been having some great sex but all the sex and wonderful swimmers in the world won't help if I don't Ovulate. I have been so worried about my temp I am barley sleeping which makes the whole charting thing even more imposable. I just feel broken and defeated.I am wearing my Angie bracelet today to help but even it seems to be letting me down today.

To make it all worse R is not ready to see an RE. He is ready to be a father but not get treatment. I am devastated in many ways about this. He said is is ready to actually talk to someone about what his SA means and so on the 2nd he will call his Dr and get a referral to the Urologist. Also next cycle I will get an HSG (if stupid Kaiser will get me in for the appt). I am looking forward to at least getting some answers. At least that way if my tubes are blocked or something is REALLY wrong we will know.

I am just sad that it couldn't be easy. Why can't I be one of the fertile mertiles?

Friday, December 28, 2007

Insensitive comments

This is the third time I have sat down to write today and hopefully this time I won't be interrupted and will get to finish the post!

I hate it when people ask "when will you have a baby". I hate it for so many reasons but when it comes out of the mouth of R's family I hate it the MOST! Not because they are awful people (because they are awful and that would be a perfectly good reason to hate them) but because they all lack empathy.

Example 1:

Back in November or October R's cousin threw a B-Day party for her 4yr old. It was a two hour drive away and his dad wasn't going and we had plenty of other things to do but we went because it was the nice thing to do. While there I met C. C had just adopted a little boy and he melted my heart the moment I saw him. C and I bonded and I told her about us. She has become a huge support and understand IF in detail because she battled it for 10 YEARS. That day R's family kept asking us about kids.

First his cousins asked and when I replied with "I don't know" she pressed the issue I told her "M, I really don't know. I want to go do grad school and R wants us to do a little traveling so I really don't know". All of this with in earshot of all his aunts and uncles. She drooped the subject but wasn't pleased that I didn't have a specific time frame. I blew off her disappointment only to have the same question asked by R's Non-aunt Ruth, who I hate!

Ruth thankfully didn't push the subject to much and let me go with a simple "not in 9 months, but we will tell you when it happens". But latter that day as we were all trying to leave his non-uncle who everyone calls his uncle Al asked us again about babies. R told him we had other things planned first thinking he would let it go but he didn't. Al berated us about kids. I finally just walked away. It was awful.

Example 2:

What made it worse was two week later at Thanksgiving he asked again. I got mad and said none of your business, but he continued I told him he was being rude and her continued I told him to shut the F up and told his wife Ruth he was being an ass but he continued. I now official am avoiding Ruth and Al. R understands and is okay with it, or at least he is trying to be. He is kinda torn on the subject to be honest. He thinks Al is an asshole and jerk but also wants to see his family. Sadly Al is at most family functions. :(

Example 3:

Christmas eve dinner, R's cousin-in-law, Drew (not his real name) and I are talking about his sis, who I will call C, who I mentioned above. All of a sudden he says "C, didn't want to do IVF because of the risk of twins" which I know isn't the real reason because her and I have talked about it. He goes on to say that "40% of people who do IVF have twins". At which point I tell him he is highly mistaken because success rate of IVF is about/lower than that a cycle.

He got all defensive about it and I tell him he is welcome to look it up. So we look it up and what do you know I am right! (I bet you knew that was coming.) Then in front of EVERYONE, except of course R, he says loudly "How did you get to be an expert on IVF" I told him I had two Internet friends who were doing IVF right now an waiting to find out if it worked. (you both know who you are!) He said "are you sure you aren't infertile??"!!!!

I was shocked and responded "we wouldn't know because we aren't trying yet" Shortly after I excused myself because I just needed to take a breath of fresh air since I was completely shocked and overwhelmed by the situation.

What bothered me the most is that of ALL the people in R's family HE should have been sensitive after all his SISTER just adopted and battled IF for 10 years! Ten years and he didn't learn to be sensitive to her feelings. Good grief!!!

As you can see R's family is a bunch of insensitive imbusauls! I have every right to hate them and never want to see them. R is of course very supportive of me not wanting to see them thankfully.

Sometimes I wish people had a little empathy button I could push or a mute button so that they wouldn't say mean and insensitive things.

Sunday, December 23, 2007


I want to share some pics of our family. The first is our little Gemma, her full name is Miss Gemma Mia, and she is part mancoon. She is HUGE and she growls when she doesn't like things. The first 9 months we had her she growled at everthing. In the pic she is hiding under our covers. Gemma is deffinatly R's little girl.

2nd pic is Isabella. She is my little princes and such a mommy girl. Her purr sounds like a stem train with a hicup. She and Gemma are our 'twins' since they look so alike. Issabella was found at Walmart and had the tip of her tail cut off by machinery there. However it healed well and now enven the Vet can bearly tell it ever happened.

The third pic is of Gemma again and in this one you can actually tell her and Isabella apart..... okay if you are me, R or my mom you can tell them apart.

Fourth pic is R and I at the wedding. I really didn't want to pose like this but now I love it! We even have a big one on our wall.

Cycle update

I decided to go ahead and temp this cycle. I hate it but since opks just don't come up positive, even though I do O on my own, I kinda have to if I want to confirm I O. Plus my OB told me she doesn't like having to confirm O every month via blood work. My responce "well if you hadn't told me how 'unreliable' charting was I wouldn't ask for it every month!" So I am charting becuase I know it is proving to be accurate, at least for me. If I don't see a O then I will call for a P4 test.

I am on CD 10 now. DH and I are preparing for X-mas and I just might O on X-mas with the way this cycle is looking. A baby concived on X-mas is getting my hopes up too high. I have already figured out that the baby would be due about September 20th and I didn't even have to go to a pg calculator! Also I could still go to BIL's wedding if pg this cycle which makes R very happy. It would be wonderful to get pg now, but alas I know better than to go down that path.

Sadly that is really about it from the IF front. I still haven't heard back from the RE and am looking into other clinics as well. If you live in the Bay Area of CA and know of a great RE let me know.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

When Friends Don't Understand

My best friend Shannon and I have only been BFF's for a little over a year now. She is wonderful in so many ways but she has no idea what IF feels like. She is a few years older than me single and while she wants a child one day, she has mentioned a few times that a bio child isn't something she is all that interested in. So my overwhelming urge to be a mother is kinda foreign to her.

A few weeks ago i was trying to explain IVF to her. She listened and seemed to understand what I was saying until we got to ICIS and genetic testing parts. Then she said "so you could chose what gender you wanted" And I said well not really but using technology you could see what genders the embies were and then hypothetically only put in the boy or girl ones, however I doubt a Dr would let you unless for medical reasons do that" She concluded the conversation with the statement that she would totally do IVF if it meant she got to have the sex she wanted.

Hearing that a little part of me died inside. She really has no idea what she is talking about. No idea at all about IVF and the torcher that the 2ww after one is. She also has no idea that they can fail! And while a part of me understands that given where she is in life that her lack of understanding is normal. A big part of me wants to curl up and not see her for a while.

That makes me sad. I knew all of this was effecting my friendships but I had no idea how much. I am sorry to say that while the pain of her comment has faded, I still am reluctant to see her. She is supposed to come over on Friday but I don't think I can do it. I just can't deal with more people who don't understand this weekend. I already have to see R's family, I think that is enough tourcher.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I just called the RE

OMG we are going to see an RE!!! I hope they call me back!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Rapid vs Sluggish motility???????

So I had thought that other than the white and red blood cells everything was OK with DH, well that is mostly true. From my understanding Motility is broken down into parts rapid forward progression, sluggish (slow) forward progression and two other parts that aren't good motility and don't matter for this post. DH's total motility is 80% which is GREAT and when I say this I was thrilled. I thought great no worries, we take care of the infection and bam we will get pg. HOWEVER most of that is rapid forward about 70% of it. Which I think is great since it should be above 25% BUT his sluggish progression which the paper says should be above 50% is only 10%. UH OH!

I have googled for hours and posted 3 diffrent posts on thenest about this. I still have no answers. All the things google gives me are about how great rapid progression is. And that it is the two combined that matters, but the little voice in my head won't shut up. "this is wrong" it says.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

We have a Dx!!!

AF showed yesterday and while I am very bummed about the fact that I am once again Not Pregnant, in a way I was very happy to see that AF had in fact come by herself and only a day late rather than the week or more that I had convinced myself she could be.

See, since I found out I really don't have PCOS and that my first few "normal" cycles that were anovulatory were just me coming off BCP and that now I really O on my own. I have been wondering when the other shoe will drop. I keep thinking what else is wrong with me or is going to need to be fixed in order to have us get pg. I already didn't cycle for 9 months, then found out I had a lining issue that the OB was able to resolve quickly. Once I was getting AF on my own and regularly I was anovulatory and possibly mild PCOS. Then I Oed but maybe it was weak. Nope my O looks good and two other Drs opinions say I don't have mild PCOS. So what the hell is the issue with me!?!

Three months ago when I met C, adoptive mother to J, she said "40% of the time it is him" and my response was "I really hope it isn't". Because as strong as R is, for him a MFI would be a crushing ego blow. I mean it would devastate him. And I really wasn't sure I could handle losing the man that has become my rock. I didn't even know how I would be able to emotionally support him if in fact our issue was his semen. Because while I know I could handle it being me. I thought the world would crush him if it was him.

Well today his SA came back and most of it is normal.
Count= normal
Motility= normal
Morphology= normal

But he does have red and white blood cells in his SA. This is a sign of infection. Of all issues MFI this is the one thing I know R can handle because it is easily treatable. So now we have a Dx and while it is the one I had prayed for so long it wouldn't be. It is actually a best case scenario. DH and I will most likely get pg on our own with just the help of antibiotics! And I have a feeling even stupid Kaiser who doesn't cover ANYTHING IF related will cover antibiotics!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

17dpo & BFN

17dpo 3:40pm still no AF. Decided to test....... BFN So why the Fucing hell isn't AF here!?! Seriously WHY hasn't she shown yet?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

IVF blogs

Good news! Both K and A have made it to ET! Both have 2 embies inside them right now and hopefuly they are making nice homes for themselves.

I checked thenest for K's update today every hour and since I spent the afternoon with my Mom she knew what I was doing. When K finally posted I read it and then so did my mom. Then She read A's blog, all of it and then the rest of K's too. She read it and asked for some clarifacation but for the most part she just took it all in. I am sharing this because now I know that if I have to do IVF ever my mom will have a sense of what that means. At least a little sense of it. Thank you K and A for being honest about what IVF is like in your blog. Thank you for sharing!

In other news:

I woke up last night with cramping, it quite possibly was brought on by my intense orgasm but it freaked me out. A few hours latter I thought I had begun AF but nope so far she isn't here yet. Tomorow she is officially due, and I am dreading it. R really wants me to test but I am so scared. SOOOOOO scared. I just don't think I can handle a -. I want to wait till at least Friday.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

People who KNOW

For weeks R and I have been discussing "coming out" to family and friends, and slowly I have been. My BFF, S, and her sis both know and have known forever. As has my mom and my sis (along with her hubbs and children). Then I told D, mom to twins and a singleton, who did IVF and while she hated being pg, she loves being a mom. She offered me the name of her clinic when/if it came down to IVF. Last week I told my maid of honor from the wedding, L, she handled it well. No "relax" and for that I was so thankful for.

And now my mom has told Grandma W, her mom. At first when she told me she had mentioned it to Grandma I was a little upset. After all this woman had 6 kids and needed NO Help getting pg. She always told me Grandpa just looked at her. So I was very nervous when mom said she told her. But from my understanding Grandma handled it well. Even offered to head 'over the boarder' for the expensive injectable drugs. I of course laughed at this. I can just imagine my 80 yr old grandma going into a Mexican drug store and asking for one of the many drugs made from pee! I mean she is spunky and very cool for 80 but can you imagine someone doing that??? Well she said she would! And I am very thankful for that. I have no idea if Grandma W mentioned "relaxing" "vacation" or tilting my hips and I told mom I didn't want to know if she had. I just want to be thankful for her willingness to help. For her grasping the idea of us needing drugs and then finding a way to help us.

Now that most of my family know R has to decide if/when to tell his family. I told him the other night that I refuse to go to anymore family events where Ruth and Al are. They are his father's best friends, and each time we see them they push the subject of kids. I have tried witty comments, tried telling them to please back off, tried telling them that when it happens we will let them know. But they insist of not just asking about it every time we see them but also bereading (sp?) us about it. I am personally sick of it and so is R. Thus we will not be doing the Crab Feed in January that his dad throws. R is fine with this, in a way I think he is relieved. Relived that I won't be leaving there in tears.

Of course if we get our BFP this week then maybe we will go. Yes that is right it is testing week. R has suspicion that I should be testing right about now and keeps dancing around the subject. I wonder how many other t-ttc girls do this, try and confuse thier DH that testing time isn't till later so that maybe they can suprise them with a BFP? I think he thinks I already tested and am just saving him the pain of saying it was negative. But I haven't tested yet! I am 15dpo and haven't yet tested. AF isn't due yet so I don't feel the need. So I'll test on Saturday because then she will be actually late. Wish me luck!?!

GL to all those in the 2ww!

Monday, December 10, 2007

A hard day.

Waiting in line at Safeway, I glanced in the direction of the rag mags and was faced to face with Britney Spears. Asomming she did something stupid I read the title "Proof She's PG". My heart sank. I tried to look away only to find "Anglinina regrets (one of her kids)". I stood there and felt helpless, stranded and alone. I knew that stitisticly someone else in that store is just like me but still not knowing 'who' that was made me feel empty. Today I think I realized I really could end up deciding to live childless, and for me that is the most depressing thought on earth.

Today was a hard day.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

That is the Question!

Tomorow is 14 dpo and a pg test should be about 98% accurate acording to my box under the sink. My LP is 16 days normally so that still leaves quite a few days till AF is 'late'. So the question is "Should I test?" This is always my question at this point in the cycle and while some cycles I have waited and others I haven't I must admit I don't think either is easy.

If I test.... then my head will know for sure, but my heart will hold out hope and still wish it were +.

If I don't test.... I will continue to be positive, and continue to get my hopes up higher and in a few days the let down will be intense.

And this is what goes on in my head over and over and over again. I know I won't test unless I get the test out tonight, so maybe I just won't get it out...... but then again I really want THIS to be the month.



So there are some people in blogger/t-ttc/thenest land that I feel much closer to than others. People who I pray by name for. People who I believe will make great parents and who deserve nothing less than to accomplish their dreams. And sometimes they get great news. Like Twiglet's mom, and other times.... well other times there news just sucks and I feel as if I personally have been delt the blow.

K, is going through a really tough time at the moment. They only retrieved 5 eggs, it isn't nothing but still 8 is the min doctors like to see and I know she is devastated and trying really hard to remain positive. I want K to get to be a mom because that is her dream, and I know that like me she won't be okay unless she has a child. So tonight I will pray for K and if you read this, please pray for her too.

Saturday, December 8, 2007


Forget About It, Trust HIM

This is my new motto. My new everything. DH and I are very diffrent religously, as in I am religous and he isn't. It can be hard at times to be this split about something like that but most of the time it is fine. So while this is my new motto, it isn't OUR motto.

Friday, December 7, 2007


Yesterday was R's 33 B-day! I am married to an old man!!! R always takes his B-day off, something about "you can't boss me on my B-day". Well because of timming this cycle. His B-day also ment SA day. YUP my hubby jearked into a cup as part of his B-day celebration.

And it was AWFULL!

I mean pure torture for BOTH of us. I knew he would have some performance anxiety but I didn't exspect for me to. After all it isn't like I had to do much. But still I found the whole procces dreadful. We should get the results back in a few weeks. Hopefully we won't need them!

The rest of the day went very well. We had a great time in 'the city' (San Francisco) and saw Kooza by Circus De Soileil, which we both loved. Tonight I am taking him to the Melting Pot, becuase he has been asking to go for months.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Small Miracles

Today a local t-ttc nestie had her u/s at 8 weeks. Two weeks ago she had spotting and the u/s didn't reveal much good news. Today she is on track and the HB sounded good. I cried when I read her update but the tears were tears of joy for her. Back when she got her + I was having a really hard week. Her good news kept me sane. When i was upset and thought it might never happen I concentrated on her. When she spotted and didn't see anything on the u/s my heart sank and my hope was gone. I am so thankful that her baby is okay, I know she isn't out of the woods yet and can't wait till she is out of the 1st tri and 'safe'. Thank the lord for this small and yet incredible miracle!

long LP = Delima of when to test

Some days I wish my LP was normal. I know I am SOOOO lucky not to have and LPD and have it be short but seriously the three extra days of waiting kill me. I am 9dpo and like most cycles this is where hope turns to anxiety. I just want to KNOW already. I know I could test early but that always ends badly because it makes me so sad. I am trying to decide when to test. I am thinking not till after AF is due. I so rarely make it that long though. AF is due the 13th. So if I can hold out till the 14th I have a high chance of being pg if she isn't here yet. However there is no way I am going to make it that long. My BFF Shanshan is right, I will probably test Monday.

Monday, December 3, 2007

A note to F&F

It is 7dpo and so far I haven't had time to obsess. I am to sick and to involved with the holidays. R's B-day is this Thursday which is 10dpo but I WILL NOT be testing for fear of a BFN. R is clueless about how far through this cycle we are so that helps keep me from talking about it. I hope to be testing next Thursday when I am 4 days late and truely pg.

In other news, our good friend, S, lost her mom. S is flying out to the bay area tonight and hopefully we will get to spend some time with her. R has already decided we will go to the funeral for moral support and while I HATE funerals, I will go. I already told him I can't go up to the casket and he said that was fine. wheew I am glad that wasn't an issue for him. If you can sind positive thoughts to S and her family that would be nice of you. Thanks.

Now on to an actual blog post:

This was posted on one of the boards by Bridgette and then posted by leah (baily baby) and I have copied and pasted it here because it is WAY better than anything I think I could ever write to my family and friends. For those of you who haven't read it before please read. It is worth it, even though it is a massive read.

Dear Family and Friends,

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible is my pain. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms. I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.

I need you to be a listener. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know you are available for me. It's difficult for me to expose my private thoughts if you are rushed or have a deadline for the end of our conversation. Please don't tell me of all the worse things that have happened to others or how easily someone else's infertility was solved. Every case is individual. Please don't just give advice; instead, guide me with your questions. Assure me that you respect my confidences, and then be certain that you deserve my trust. While listening try to maintain an open mind.

I need you to be supportive. Understand that my decisions aren't made casually, I've agonized over them. Remind me that you respect these decisions even if you disagree with them, because you know they are made carefully. Don't ask me, "Are you sure?" Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.

I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.

I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.

I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.

I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.

I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. I've been subjected to postcoital exams, semen collection in waiting room bathrooms, and tests in rooms next to labor rooms. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal.

Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.

Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.