Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A very personal IF post

CanI talk to you girls about something REALLY personal? It is about SE.X...... and isn'tsomething I have eventalked tomy closest friends about.....

I had called the clinic I LOVE, who has an RE that an friend of a friend used and is my top runner for an RE clinic,and spoke to them about IF and costs and general things and the nurse was talking tomeabout pricesand she mentionedthat they do very few TIcycles because success rates are so much higher with IUIs. This blew me away, not because I thought it was crazy but because I thoughtit is a great idea. Plus when youthink of it adding an IUI isn't all that much more exspensive and it doubles our chances a cycle.

However as pointed out to me it means our child will truely be created with strangers in the room and not in the privacy of our own home. When A, a fellow t-ttcer, brought this to my attention I thought maybe she was right and we should try TI for a cycle or two. Give our bodies a chance at creating a child just the two of us.

That was a week ago, and today I decided that I think I will push for the IUIs. It isn't that I wouldn't LOVE to get pg 'the old fashioned way" but I realized this week that I really enjoy se.x so much more when it isn't about baby making. In fact I LOVE se.x with my husband when it isn't about baby making. See, when we BD (baby dance= type of sex used to make a baby) it is about my hips, my CM, how close to my cirvix he is when he comes and all the other crap that makes it no fun. When we can have fun se.x it is about m.ulitple orgasm.s, I can be on top and the last thing I am worried about is where his peni.s is when he comes. So after talking with R about IUIs right off the bat we are on the same page. For him it was more about money and chance of success but hell if we are on the same page who am I to quible over how we both got there.

Someone else's thoughts for a change

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Life problems not IF related

This post has nothing to do with IF and everything to do with my general life. If you intreasted feel free to read, but I won't hold it against anyone if they skip it.

My mom has been disabled for the last 8 or 9 years now. Right before my father left when I was 18 my mom injured her back at work. She is now considered disabled and is unable to do many of the things we take forgranted like bending, nealing, walking with out a limp, standing for long periods of time, and the ability to run or walk quickly across the street.

Because of her disablility my sis or I have lived with her since the divorce. That is until last May when R and I moved out because she wanted her own space and knew she was driving R mad. R and I moved out and then my sis moved out of state. I knew from the moment I was told about the move that this ment R and I would be soley responsible for my mom.

Please know that I love my mom. She is an amazing person and a wonderful mother, she is also one of my best friends, however being 25 and taking care of your mom and her house as well as yourself, husband, marraige and own home SUCKS! I wouldn't trade her in for a healthier model but I do wish she were better, and could do more for herself.

Every week I will come over for two mornings and help her change her bedding, do laundrey, litter, take out the garbage, vacume, dishes, mop floors, organize, fix things, straigten, walk the dog, bath the dog, clean the bathroom and what ever else needs to be done. Of course not all of that needs to be done everytime but if you add that on top of what my place needs it is a lot of extra work.

Most days I do it with out complaint because after all she put up with so much worse when I was a child and because I love her. I wouldn't think twice about living with her again.... if not for R.

When R and I met years ago he knew of my situation with my mom. He knew she wouldn't get better and that eventually she would need to live with us permanitly. I have always been admit about NOT putting her in one of those crappy assisted living homes. She is not old or senile and DOES NOT belong there and as long as I can care for her I will not put her in one of those things. He knew all of this and understood she was a part of the deal. In fact I made it very clear to him that if he wasn't okay with her he shoud leave before things got serious because for me, it was a deal breaker if he didn't understand all of the above.

Years went by and when he propesed and I said yes I reminded him again. She is a part of the deal. He was okay with that. After the wedding she got better and we thought shecould live on her own. I was very hesatant about that because I didn't want to have to take care of two households. R promised he would help. he promised she would be fine, I belived him because I wanted to not because I thought he was right.

It will be a year at the end of May since we moved, we still live in the same town as her but I still spend much of my time here at her house. R comes with me on the weekend and he helps with the things that need to be done. In the summer he does the back yard and patio while I do the inside of the house. He doesn't like doing it but he does it. Recently though he does it more and more be grudgingly... and when we have her over for dinner he is more distant to her than he once was.

I understand his pain but I have a hard time dealing with it. After all I wish things were difrent too. I wish she was healthy and could be more independant, but these are my cards. he has know that since the beggining. So why do I feel like now he wants to change his mind? I have this feeling that very soon I will have to chose between them, it is a dicision I have made up in my mind years before we even met, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Seeing the kids

7 days! 7 days! 7 days! In 7 days I leave to see the LOVES of my life (other than R that is)! I am so excited!
The first pick is Brooklyn, whose nickname is Pookie. She was the first person I told about our t-ttc. She may have been only weeks old but she is a great listner. She loves avacado, walking and she LOVES me! Mostly because I spoil her rotten as does R.
Julian is the little prince. His nickname was Ju Ju bean as a baby but now that he is a 'big boy' he doesn't like his nick name anymore. He loves animals, swimming, and playing at the park. He is FULL of energy and loves to rough house with R or his dad. He can be picky at times but he almost always knows what he wants. He and I were very close before he and his family moved; we still talk once a week but it isn't the same. When he lived in CA we took BART rides to the city and did great day trips. I miss him the most becuase we had a real relationship and I can feel that weakening the longer he is away.
Thanks for letting me share with all of you how excited I am about the trip.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

This week

This week has been filled with ups and downs. Thursday I had a hard day. I just didn't feel right, emotionally or physically. R came home and we went to get some pictures professionally taken. I didn't like any of them but one and that was only after she re touched it. I ordered a few of it and told her I must be in a funky mood because I really didn't like the way I looked in any of the photos. Now I realize it wasn't just my funky mood, she just didn't know how to instruct either of us.

Friday was my mom's birthday and her and I had a great day. We did pedicures and lunch out and then came home to rest before R got here and then we did dinner at the Melting Pot (fondue restaurant) it was excellent and she really had a great day.

Saturday I went over to my mom's and helped her with some household things, laundry, cleaning, organizing and such. Then I came home and R and I fought. I broke down and cried hysterically, he tried to comfort me but that only made it worse. I was feeling very distant from him and didn't want to be touched. I stoped crying and we talked. I don't know if he understands what is going on with me or not but he does care and told me he loves me and is here. He also wants me to tell him if I feel like I did last week again, I think he realized how upset I was then. After a three hour talk we were finally okay again. I also told him about last blog entree. He cried when I told him what I wrote. He looked me in the eyes and told me he would do anything for a child, but that he is scared of what all the hormones and pressure will do to me. I see his point now but he also sees mine.

Today I spent the day with a fellow t-ttcer. We had a great time and talked a lot. She is now pregnant and loving it. It was so nice to be around a pregnant lady who I am not jealous of. I love babies and was very excited showing her my favorite stroller, the Bugaboo. I hope her and I can get together again soon, because it was nice to talk to someone who understood. She did however scare me a little about the HSG. She is the third person I have met face to face who has instead R go with and that I take Motrin. I told her R had already insisted he go and that not only was I going to take a Motrin but also a Soma. Why can't the people I met have had painless HSG? At least this way I will be prepared for the pain, and if I have none then I will be thrilled.

Other than all of that there is little other news from me. I should remind all of you that I will be leaving on the 5th of February to go visit my sister. There is NO Internet access at her house so I will me MIA for about a week. I will miss blogging terribly because I get such great support from all of you. Till next time... Hugs.

A little about me

Please copy the questions and answer them for yourself in your own blog so that we can all get to know each other.

3.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not at all, not even when I try to write nicely.
4.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Not a lunch meat fan in general but I love BBQ tri-tip sandwichs.
5. DO YOU HAVE PET? Out twin cats are Issabella and Gemma, but I also have a dog who lives with my mom, her name is Zoe, and a childhood cat named Cowlie who lives with my mom too.
6.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? With how I have been this last month no but normally yes.
7.DO YOU USE SARCASM? IRL yes all the time but here I try to stay away from it because it is so hard for others to interpret it.
10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I don't really like cereal but if I had to chose I like Grape Nuts.
12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Emotionally yes physical no
13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Breyers Cookies n Cream
14.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they smile when we meet and if they hold eye contact well.
15.RED OR PINK? Pink
17.WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My BFF from middle school high school and part of college Sarah. We are such different people now.
19.WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I am in pjs right now with no shoes
21.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The rain falling outside
22.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? dark red like the color of blood
23.FAVORITE SMELLS? men's colone and pomegranate room spray from Pottery Barn
25.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS? Yes, I love them and (WARNING TMI AHEAD) they make me incredibly horny, I could go all night if we had a thunderstorm.
27.HAIR COLOR? Dark brown and I have some dark red/blond highlights (that need a touch-up) so that they will be red again. Naturally it is almost black in color
31.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy. The scary movies give me nightmares.
32.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Just finished I Now Pronounce you Harry and ????
35.Hugs or kisses? Both
39.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Prozac Nation, very uplifting (sarcasm)
40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one, I have a laptop
41.FAVORITE SOUNDS? Rain falling the ticking of a clock and the hummmm of the laptop.
44.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Northern CA at home!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Hubby vent

R just has no idea about IF stuff. I love R very very much but he has really tried no to learn about all the IF stuff so far and now I am getting really upset. 7 almost 8 months ago when AF finally showed for the first time I had just started looking into fertility treatments. I know from my lack of cycles it that something was wrong. R on the other hand chose to believe my Drs that I was fine and it all would be okay. When I got AF for the first time on my own after the pill, we were both thrilled. When I Oed we were thrilled. When my cycles continued to be normal I was very happy. Then just a few months into my normal cycles we hit that one year mark. Suddenly it hit me, we had tried for a year with no luck. R was certain we would get pg in the next few cycles so while I stayed on the t-ttc board and learned everything I could about IF R stayed blissfully unaware. I looked at insurance, worried about treatment cost. Looked into going on Clomid without monerting and read everything I could about Femera.

Now that we are going to see an RE and now that we have both came to terms with needing an RE; R needs to get informed. Only problem is R doesn't have the time, and quite frankly he just isn't interested. This galls me to no end. He has no idea about my hormones, no clue about side effects or even how my body works. R is content being not well informed, and while he likes that I include him in decisions he doesn't care to be educated on the subject by anyone but me or his previous knowledge, all of which is the shit they feed us in high school sex education.

This makes me feel alone in the process. I am going to have to research REs. I have to look up the stats, and in the end, I will decide who we will go to. In a way this is fine because I like being in control of everything. But on the other hand it means R is lagging way behind on the IF education train.

I have this nightmare where we are going into see the RE and Ryon asks the RE what my uterus is. I know he knows this but still I can just imagine him using our entire consult going over really basic info. I am angry at him for relying on me to take care of this. Angry that he isn't stepping up to the plate to learn more about the journey we are about to go down.

I don't know how to get him to be more involved and I worry that his lack of interest some how is indicative of how much he wants a child. I know in my heart he just hasn't come to terms with needing help and I wish he was right and that we are rushing things and don't need this. However my OBs have told me they have done everything they can do. Once I finish these last two tests that is it, they will have nothing left they can do. So now I keep looking at clinics, and try to decide who will help us make our dream come true.

CD 2

It is so great to be able to say that!

R and I sat down last night and since I can't do the HSG or SHG tests and I will be out of town at 7dpo for the progesterone test we decided to not chart this cycle. This means I can go on vacation and not worry about ovulation or tests. I will be back in time to do the HSG or SHG next cycle. It feels good to be on the same page again. R and I have some things we need to work out but at least now we are back to being on the same page about things.

I called up Kaiser for their couples communication class and left a message for them to call us back. Hopefully they will call me back in the next few days and get us enrolled soon. It isn't that our marriage is falling apart but we could use some extra skills to help us at this point. I love R and we both are willing to do whatever it takes to make all this work, we just need some skills to help us make this work.

In other fertility news D called me today. She and her partner K had fertility treatments done years ago and now have three healthy children. I had called D last week to see if I could get the name of the Dr they used. She found me the name and number of him but K wanted to talk to me about their experience. She has tomorrow off of work so I will call her then and hear what she has to say. I am thankful they are willing to be open with me about everything and think talking to them will help.

I still have to decide on a clinic to use. Right now I am looking at Kaiser's clinic, SRFC, and the Dr K and D used. Hopefully I will be able to decide on one soon. If I can't make up my mind then R has voted we use Kaiser. I am more inclined to use someone else but we will see.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to pick one out let me know. R and I can't afford to 'shop around' so whom ever we set up our initial consult with we will likely use.

Sunday, January 20, 2008


I can't believe that AF showed today! I am so excited, so happy and so...... relieved. The last two days were hard but today is much better. Now that AF is here I feel about 1,000X better. R and I are discussing what to do now since I can't do SHG, or HSG this month. And I may not even O this month. We need to decide if I should chart or not. I'll up date again tomorrow.

For those who thought of me, emailed, called, sent prayers or left comments THANK YOU! I really couldn't do this without your support.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Another visit with the Dildo Cam

Before I start the actually post I want to make something very clear. I am in a bad foul pissy mood these days. I cry a lot, and get mad and angry for no reason. Very little makes me smile and just about everything upsets me. This is how my life is right now, there is no sugar coating how I feel here in blog land because that would defeat the WHOLE purpose of this blog. I put on fake smiles for EVERYONE else in my life but not here. If you don't like it don't read, but for those of you who have been reading for a while and commenting I hope you stay. Just please understand that right now I am feeling quite low. Thank you.


Well I had yet another visit with an OB, this one I had never seen before and honestly hope I don't ever have to see again. He did a pg test via urine -, and an ultrasound to look for pg - but we did find a nice cyst on my right ovary. He told me that most likely this is what is causing me not to get my period. :( He also said the lab mixed up my progesterone test this cycle, and gave me last cycle's info. I did not actually ovulate. double :(

He went ahead and ordered more blood work including a pg test via blood work. He is also checking my blood to confirm where in my cycle I am. I will get a call back tomorrow about the blood work and then if AF doesn't show by Feb 1st then they will give me provera.

I just hope she shows on her own. I don't like drugs fucking with my hormones, unless they are meant to get me pg.

PS If you are reading my blog and want to comment fine but read the warning to the left FIRST. As I have said before, I am in a foul bitchy mood and since this is my blog will respond to comments however I see fit. Also I am happy to give other t-ttcer bloggers the benefit of the doubt when they post things like "I just know you'll be a mom one day" anonymous responses don't get that benefit of the doubt. Sorry if that seems unfair but such is life!

Thursday, January 17, 2008


There was a point durring today that I realized I couldn't do this anymore. That putting my life on hold and hoping and pryaing for what I have wanted all my life is most likly no longer good for me. I was on the edge, of what I don't know but defintly on the edge. I still feel there some moments, but when I read this, I came back to my senses and realized I would do anything for a child:

I am trying to go on with my life as normal. I don't think my IRL family and friends know just how badly I hurt right now. If they did I think they all might freak out. I am trying to keep them sheltered from my pain, even R doesn't know how much I have cried these last few days. He goes to bed and I weep for hours. It takes every bit of me to dress and shower. I am falling apart right now. All my hopes and dreams seem to be rushing away from me. What is left of me is my outer shell.

Today my mom described me as depressed, I told her this isn't depression this is me mourning. She doesn't get it. Doesn't get that I am scared of needing help. Scared of the needles and the cost. Scared that at the end I will have nothing left.

As a child and teen I wanted so much to be a mom. It was the only thing I have always wanted to do. My friend's all have told me that at times I act like a mom. I look out for them, make sure they are okay. As a child I would comfort the crying toddler in day camp. As a teen I would make sure my friends didn't drink enough to pass out. In my early 20's I was always the designated driver. It has always been my job to look out for those I love. I would be a great mom too, so why not me.

at least my cat's love me

Today is 'thankful thursday' on the nest. Everyone posts one thing they are thankful for. I have a few:
my husband hasn't left me...yet
my mother's health is stable...kinda
we have a nice place to live...except that our neighbors leave trash outfront thier door for days and our landlord does nothing about it
my cats love me... and there is no doubt in this one. No exception nothing because Gemma and Issabella love me. Issie hasn't left my side in the last two days. She wants to be where ever I am. I think this is her way of taking care of me. After all they must know something is up. It is rare that I cry this often.

This afternoon my Mom really wanted me to accompany her shoping. I gave in only because she told me she had been depresed the last few days. I figured that I could put on a smily face for her but I couldn't. We did a little shoping but after just two stores I couldn't take it any more. She said it was okay but I could tell she wanted to do more. On the way home she told me that one day I would look back on all this and it wouldn't hurt so much. I know she is right but I don't feel that way right now. Right now I feel like this is the end of the world.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Feeling better

Okay now that I have broken down crying twice today I feel better. I have a feeling I will cry more tonight but who doesn't cry over BFN's at this stage in the game? Over all though I am feeling better.

I have spent all day in my pjs and have yet to shower! I watched TV, nested, napped and reed 1/4 of my new book. I have decided that I am going to start reading again. I can finish a book in a night if I don't watch TV and so since I am not working at the moment my three goals for this week and next are to:
1) Read more (one book a week)
2) Clean up the 2nd bdrm
3) apply to grad school

I am going to throw myself into these projects tomorrow in the hopes of feeling better about myself and not thinking about IF for a while. I have a feeling AF isn't going to come for a while. I have no idea how long my Dr will make me wait for provera but I figure I will call in if she doesn't show in another week.

R seems to be okay with the BFN but he can hide his pain well. Tonight I hope we can have a talk about it. We really haven't talked about how we feel about all this since before I saw the Dr last week. We need to talk not about money so much as how we are feeling. We haven't been doing the best job on keeping track of how the other feels.

I also think it is time for me to go back to therapy, I can feel myself withdrawing from life today and I know from the past that this means I am about to have/having a bout of depression. Luckily I just found the name of an IF counselor who is reasonable and local. I may call her tomorrow.

It is also time for me to go back to church. I have never been into going to church but I think it might be good for me. At this point I would do just about anything to make me feel better. It is time I do something good for me that makes me feel good instead of things that aren't good for me but make me feel good.


Not sure what else to say other than that.

After I tested I decided to cancel all my plans for today. I am giving myself all day to just mope. I spent the morning in bed avoiding reality and now plan on sitting in front of the TV and zoning. I need a friend IRL who gets this becuase right now I am so upset and no one understands.....

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


.... well this is weird. It is 7pm at 18dpo and no AF. I realize she could just be late but a big part of me really wants to be pg. So in the am I am going to test. I have R's full blessing and he is going to go in late so he can be here when I do it. I am nervous about testing. But this is as late as my period has been. I just want to know at this point.

I have allowed my hopes to get up way to high this cycle. I have thought about how I will tell my mom if I am. I have thought about telling DH he needs to go get the test from the bathroom and how if I am pg this cycle where that will put me at all the events coming up, including my b-day, our anniversary, and BIL's wedding. I have thought about telling my sis and her kids when I see them next month. I won't be past the 3 month mark but I don't think I could keep it from them once I get there.

Yup my hope is SUPER HIGH! CRAP.... I really didn't want this to happen this cycle, the hope I mean.


It is now just past midnight of the next day. Still no AF, still no idea of if I am pg or not. I want to share a realization with you: it is CD34 So since the longest cycle I have ever had is 31 days I think there is .... hope. Okay I said it. I have hope!

Prayer, Faith and Religion

I just had my check in for my prayer group and the prayer for today I really liked. When I joined the prayer group a month ago I wasn't sure I would like it. This is because I have never been a bible reader or a formal prayer person. I don't belong to an organized religion nor do I attend church. For so many this would make me a really bad believer, but I believe that god is in everything and is everywhere so why go to church? My faith is tied to something stronger than a place, it is something so many don't understand but I don't think they need to. After all it is my faith isn't it???

I have begun to LOVE my prayer group. I love that I get support and that I can ask for help through it. I love that the girls on there don't care what fraction of Christianity I belong to and that hopefully they all respect my personal choices and beliefs. Most of all I am thankful for them because they are the only people in my life I can talk to about God and faith. Recently I have understood the need for Churches and organized religion because in hard times it is so nice to have people around you who believe in what you believe.

I have been thinking about going to church recently. I used to go once a month as a young teen either with friends or with my grandparents who are devote Greek Orthodox. I haven't yet decided on where I will go but I do know of a few places that might be nice. I have no idea how I am going to tell R about this idea. He will most likely flip a lid but I feel the need to be around others like me. Others with faith.

Here is today's prayer:

Lord, Calm my heart today. Reassure me with Your peace and understanding. This road seems so long and so painful. But I am strong through You. Help me to find You through my tears and wait with You until I am ready to pick myself up and continue on down my path with dignity and honor, Knowing that You are my Father and that you walk right next to me. I can't understand the reason behind this suffering, I try but the only comfort I find is knowing that You won't ever leave me alone.


In ttc news I am 18dpo and no AF yet. hmmmmmm........

Monday, January 14, 2008


Seriously???It is 8:30 pm on CD 17 and she hasn't yet shown up. AF is going to make me wait another day and get my hopes up even more before she comes??? WTF, she really is a B-I-T-C-H!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

16dpo of 7th Ovulatory cycle

Well I made it through cd 16 without any AF. This isn't good or bad since AF isn't DUE till Monday and really I don't exspect her till Tuesday since my LP seems to be getting longer everymonth. I have no symptoms, but somehow I have hope, just a little though because in my head I know we need an RE. I know that after this long we won't just get lucky and concive without help. Anyway I just wanted to update everyone. I'll let you know when AF shows.

And if you feel the urge to comment about hope please keep it to yourself. Right now HOPE is my worst enamy. Faith I have but I want nothing to do with hope.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Back to being UNEXPLAINED

R and I still haven't talked about if this is all moving to fast for him because quite frankly I don't want to talk about it yet. I am 14dpo and while I know a test is accurate. I am refusing to test. AF isn't due yet (I have a long LP remember) and I want to just wait and remain hopeful. I am trying not to be to hopeful and since I am having some cramping today I think AF is on her way. Either way it will all be fine. Here is my 'new' plan.

January: confirm O via blood work at 7dpo and other than that relax.
Feb: go in for the SHG between CD 5 and 10
March cycle do the HSG
April see the RE

This gives us 3 more cycles on our own. Since with R's count and everything we have a fairly good chance of getting pg on our own, I want to do that. Plus this gives us time to get the money issue straightened out. I am not ready to blow 1,000 dollars a cycle for clomid or femera. And yes a cycle will cost us about that.

There is so much about yesterday that wasn't in my last post. Including new info about our Dx. The issue ISN'T R! Yep, you read that right his SA IS normal even with the white blood cells. The Dr said it wasn't that many and that most REs don't think WBC are an issue unless they effect count, which isn't the case for us.

This means we are back to being UNEXPLAINED! I am kinda happy about it because it makes me thing we should try longer on our own. But at the same time I wonder WHY it hasn't happened for us yet. Of course I have only had 7-8 normal cycles, so maybe we just need more time..... I really don't know. Of course we still need to rule out my tubes being blocked!

I feel so mixed about when to seek help because I KNOW that we have only had 7 cycles so far that I Oed. So what about the 9 months before that .?. I don't know. Those months were most likely anovulatory so do I count them as trying? My OB and new RE office does, but do I??? I don't know. R is inclined to NOT count them but since it has been my life on hold those months I am more inclined to count them than to not. Either way I think the new plan is GOOD. It will give us 10 ovulatory cycle of trying on our own before seeking help.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Moving Forward

I had yet another appt with an OB today! Ya I am a regular there. This time with Dr. D. I had forgotten how much I loved Dr D, I love how willing he is to go above and beyond the call of duty. Today I am 13dpo and am hopeful of a BFP this cycle, I also know it is a long shot. I went in to ask for 2 things. One that he refer me to the HSG, since if he refers me and not a RE it might actually get covered by my insurance. Number 2 was for P4 tests for the next few months. I want to see the quality of my ovulation. He agreed to BOTH! WOOOOHOOOOO!

He also did an u/s not to look for a baby because it is WAY to early to see that but to see if my linning was thick and to check for polops and other things that can impeade implantaion. I looked good. My cirvix looked good too, which is great since I no one has ever talked to me about it. He told me that if I wanted I could come in for a saline histo-sonogram, or something like that, that he would do it in a regular office visit. This is great news since it means I will only have to pay my co-pay 30$ for it rather than 529$ which is what the Kaiser RE office charges plus a exspanded visit charge of 207$.

The only sad thing about this visit was that insurance wont cover the HSG and that will ALL be OOP. :( I don't have an exact price but somewhere around 800 is what the nurse said. There goes my BugaBoo stroller. Believe me I am happy to have been able to slide so much under the table but I constantly feel reminded that if insurance would just cover this I wouldn't be having a money issue. Hear is our list of what we have been able to slide under the table.

So far we haven't had to pay the full price for:

CD 3 b/w
P4 test
2 ultrasounds (to look at my linning)
and now the SGH

but a little part of me is still really shocked at how much this is all going to cost us. After all this was supposed to be easy.

After my OB visit I went next door, yup at Kaiser the RE office is right next door to the OB/GYN (thankfully thay don't share a waiting room!) and asked about my intake forms. They hadn't processed them yet. Right now they are completly back loged. However since I was there and no one was waiting she went ahead and processed them! Wooohoooo! She gave me a folder and a price sheet, which scared the CRAP out of me and then....

she made me my first appt. MARCH 4th at 11 am

By then I need to have the HSG and SHG done and she told me that if I didn't I sould call in and rescedual the appt.

I have a feeling that when I talk to R tonight things will be moving to fast for him and he will want to wait. I am okay by that, infact I kinda feel like this is moving really fast. I mean I knew it might be like this but I also thought it might take months. I have to admit I am scared but also excited. So R and I have a LOT to talk about!

Thursday, January 10, 2008


I am so ready for it to be my turn. I am so so so ready. I am sure all other t-ttcers feel like this but right now I feel alone in this struggle.

God it is me Do you hear me I am ready!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Going to see my sis!

I am going to go see my sis and her kids... oh and brother-in-law too. In less than 30 days!!! Let the count down begin! I miss them sooooooo much. I can't wait to see my nephew, we talk every week. Some times he cries at night and says he misses me. My niece has grown so much since I saw her last (october '07) She is now a year old, walking like a pro and playing in the snow!

OMG you guys I am sooooo thrilled. R and I even made the tickets so we could still try next month ;) So the only bad part is no internet at my sis's house, which means I am going to be going through major nest withdraw and no blogging. :(

I am so thrilled I am going to get a ticker with the count down on it!

PG Loss and IF

I have never had a miscarriage. Never been pg, never seen two lines. But somehow I feel a bond with those that have m/c. I feel like IF and m/c people can lump themselves together in a way because we both feel loss, both know the hurt of other people's words. IF ers morn the loss of things that never were while people that m/c morn the lives that were hear so briefly that many don't know of them at all. I know m/c and IF are very different. But in my head I feel like they understand me better than the general public. This doesn't mean I understand what it feels like to have a m/c. And please if you have had a m/c and are reading this and become offended, know that I really don't mean this to be offensive at all. Just trying to get some feelings out.

This weekend two nestie friends confided in me about their losses. Both happened this summer and neither is pg yet. I feel incredibly sorry for both women. I am always at a loss for words when people say things like that. This time I tried "I am so sorry for your loss, I hadn't know." It isn't enough though. I never feel like I say the right thing in those situations. It makes me understand how my friends must feel around me about IF. After all what do you say to people who are grieving?


I have a long list of IF/loss boards I visit. All of them are IF blogs some have had losses, others have not. One blog is just about m/c. I read it so that in situations like the one above I might be able to say something to comfort the other person. I haven't found those magical words yet but at least I know what NOT to say. Anyway, she is pg! Or at least it looks good. She got a paint positive today.

I had wondered when I added her to my blog list if I would be happy for her when she got pg again. I am happy to say that I am thrilled. Honestly thrilled and even let out a joyful yelp when I read her blog. Genuine happiness is a wonderful thing to feel!

So see I am not a jealous monster after all! Thank god there are some pg people I am happy for!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

A vent about a local BFP

I want to fess up to something. My last post was inspired by a few things on thenest and at a nest GTG. First let me say that I feel very blessed to have quite a few local t-ttcer that can relate to me and who have provided me lots of support. However sometime the nest can be a source of pain too.

Last week on my local board there was another BFP post. They have been happening about once a week at this point so I am not surprised at all. However this person's scream name floored me "finally BFP". I wanted to scream at her "I sure as hell hope you have been trying for more than 6 months" and later found out that yes she has been trying for longer than 6 months and is a regular on the t-ttc board as well. That made me feel better but I also felt kinda crummy for being upset about it all in the first place. Of course as we all know IF sucks and can make you feel some strong emotions at times.

Fast forward to this weekend. I was at a LARGE local nest GTG about 35 people. I had three glasses of wine and then switched to bottled water. As soon as I switched to bottled water I noticed a few people eyeing my water. "great" I thought, now I am going to get them asking if I am pg. Well sure enough through the night two people asked me about us trying. I told them the truth. I Ovulated last week so we will see. They all know about our trouble and have been very supportive.

Well today 'finally BFP' is back on the local board giving them clues to who she is. AND if I didn't know better I would think it was me, all the clues fit me. Uggggg. This means in two weeks when she decides to 'revel' herself everyone will be putting in bets that it is me. Which wouldn't hurt if it were me, but it isn't and since I am sure this cycle is a bust, the whole thing is going to hurt like a tooth being pulled without Novocaine.

Here is my other grip. WHY would you tell the nest if you didn't want everyone to know???? If you haven't told your family yet then why tell a bunch of people on the Internet and yet not tell them who you really are? I mean seriously, I have never seen a t-ttcer do this and many of them have reason to fear a m/c!

I just hate this because I know it will hurt like hell when people guess it is me.

Oh and for future reference: I will tell the nest when I get my BFP using the name I have ALWAYS posted under.

Sunday, January 6, 2008


I am such a green monster these days. I see pg ladies everywhere become jealous I wonder if they know how lucky they are, wonder if the will do the best they can to be a great mom. I am jealous of their big belly's, their waddle, their gloating husbands. I am also jealous of new moms, possibly even more that the pg ones. I look with disgust at moms who don't see how lucky they are. Those that drag their children around the store telling them shut up or not now.

Sadly I am even jealous of my sis. My sister has two kids who I love and adore. My nephew is 3 and my niece is one. They are some of the cutest kids! My sis, like most my family, got pg easily. 2nd or 3rd try with both. BUT her pregnancies were hard. She took suppositories of progesterone with my nephew and still was on bed rest most of the pregnancy and with her 2nd she was also very high risk. But still I would give anything to trade places with her because after all she does have both of them. In a way I know she kind of gets what this is like for me because while I wonder if I will ever have children of my own, she wondered the same thing since many Drs felt it would be near imposable for her to have a normal full term healthy pregnancy. But still I am jealous.

There seems to be only one kind of mommy I am not jealous of. Those who have gone through IF. Take C and L, both battled IF for years and ended up adopting. Both have wonderful little babies and I am not jealous of either. I know both have paid their dues (if there is such a thing) and that neither will ever forget those of us still in the trenches. And K and A who are both pg. I am THRILLED for them.

In fact the first 5 to 8 blogs on the side of this are ladies who are expecting and I am not jealous of them at all. I am thrilled for them. Of course I want to join there little group but I am not jealous of them. But all other mommies and mommies-to-be beware, because I envy you. And envy isn't a good thing, the green monster can make people do crazy things. So if I suddenly go postal at the woman in Safeway who tells her crying child to shut up, please know that IF drove me to it.

Saturday, January 5, 2008


So not only did my old OB order the P4 test he called my new OB and told her that next time she should just order the test for me becuase I don't give up on stuff like that. So next time she will order the test for me! (Smirking). I am a little worried because tecniclly I am 8dpo not 7. Ob says it will be fine and shouldn't matter "too much". Well we will see.....

P4= 13.2 !!!!

I can't wait to see my OB who wouldn't order the test!!!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Thank you

If you have been commenting on my blog then Thank you! I am so gald people read this. Keep commenting!

Today was a rough day since my OB won't order the P4 test! Stupid OB! She thinks that if I don't get a + OPK then I must not have Oed yet. Stupid, Stupid OB as if OPKs were the end all be all. Why she doesn't belive in charting is beyond me. I know it is old technology but COME ON.

I put in a request to my old OB since through Kaiser he can still order test through me. Hopefully he is on tomorrow and will order the test. If so then I will go and get my blood drawn. And pray that it is +.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

In the 2ww

I did Ovulate! My temp has finaly gone up and stayed up so it looks like I really did ovulate. I ofcouse will make my Dr confirm it with aP4 test. She isn't going to be happy about ordering more tests but I don't care. It is just a test, not like I am waisting her time with an appt. But I know she will give me a hard time. Tell me that if I want help getting pg I should see an RE. I have to admit I agree but since DH isn't ready yet I can't. Oh well at least this cycle has a chance of working if I did actually O!