Marraige

Earlier this year things were not very good with R. It wasn't that our relationship was in shambles. We have always loved and adored each other, but our communication wasn't great and both of us felt like we were always stuck between a hard place and a rock. In February, March and some of April we took a communication class through our insurance. It was possibly the best 200 dollars we ever spent. We learned a lot not just about ourselves, but about communication, what is important in a relationship and about what we both need as a couple to feel secure and safe.

We worked on talking and listening to each other about money, family, infertility, and so much more. Remember the post where I talked about having to chose between R and my mom? I can confidently say that now I will never have to make that choice. All three of us have worked really hard to make boundaries and a support system for everyone, so that we are all working together. So much has changed from then I hardly recognize the snuggly couple we have become, or rather reverted back to, since we were like this at the beginning of the relationship too.

We both understand that there are bumps in our path of life, and relationship but the way we view and handle the bumps is more of a team effort. We both feel a lot less stressed because we handle issues together. It is a huge change from the couple we once were.

This isn't to say we don't argue about things or occasionally fight but for the most part we are able to handle our disagreements through open communication, no tears, no screaming/yelling, and at the end we both feel as though we have "won". I always thought compromise had to be about giving in. Now I have learned that it is about seeing "winning" as what is best for us both, not just me.

All around me I am watching couples I love struggle, they fight over the stupid things, or don't talk at all or even agree on doing something one way and then do it the way "they" wanted instead. It is heartbreaking to watch, knowing that just 6 months ago we were in the same place, knowing how much better things can be with just 200 dollars spent on a 10 week course and a lot of effort.

Marriage is hard work, and sometimes it does suck but it doesn't have to. Some good skills can make it suck a lot less. So if you are reading this and have been thinking about talking to your partner about a communication class, stop thinking about it and do it. It doesn't cure the issues but it will give you the tools to do so.

I am sick. :(

While I hate the sore throat, the GI issues, the whine me being sick turns me into, and he ear and sinus pressure. what bothers me the most is when sick the ONLY things I want aren't on my diet. So rather than fighting it, R and I decided we would cheat from yesterday's dinner till midnight Sunday night. On the top of my list were Girl Scout cookies and cheese ravioli's. My weight will most likely paluate this week but at least being sick has been tolerable.

In IF news R is upset that we need an RE. I think our "issues" have finally gotten to him. He is more withdrawn recently and doesn't wan to talk about it. To say our marriage is suffering is an understatement but he did agree to do some couple communication classes and couples therapy after the class. Those of you who "know" us IRL please respect R's wishes and don't bring this up with him or others. I don't mind talking about it but he has some negative views on therapy. He is fine when others need it but to admit that he/we do is a different story. I admit that is a double standard that is just the way it is.

Also I called my PCP and asked to have my thyroid tested. My mom, sis, all bio-aunts and grandma ALL have thyroid issues starting at my age or younger so I figured we should test it since it can cause IF problems. If Kaiser will pay for it then GREAT!

I am nearing the end of another cycle. AF should arrive next weekend and I am testing on Thursday, which is 15dpo on CD 31.

lots of money and treatment talk

I am feeling much better today. R and I have had a few talks and he is feeling really hesitant about doing IUIs he says since I have only had 7 cycles since starting to try over a year ago. He thinks we should give it a full year, this would put us in July before we do treatment. That is too long for me. We talked some more and more and more about it. We both think May is a good compromise for our first IUI. In the mean time we will be doing the "Meet and Greet" on Monday, yes THIS Monday! I have three more pages of paperwork to fill out and then am done. We also will go ahead and decide on which office of the clinic to use next week and then which DR will be our primary. Then set up a consult visit for the end of this month. The clinic books about about 3 weeks in advance so we may not get in for it until April but I am okay with that.

My mom is also paying for the consult for us. So sweet of her and I love that she offered this. She also offered to 'loan' us the money for almost two IUIs. R doesn't want to take it but I told him we should think about it more. It would be a zero percent loan and it means we could do three or four treatment cycles in a row, without worrying about dipping to much into our savings. Her only thing is that we would need to pay the money back in two years. She also told me that if it comes to IVF she wants to be involved in the decision about financing it. I told her that I would be happy to include her in some of that but that this is R and my decision. She said she just wanted to help finance it. I told her that was fine and I was thankful she wants to help. She really does try, I know some times she comes off harsh but she said the other day "I really am ready for you to have a baby". It almost made me cry, since she wasn't so happy about us trying at first.

In other IF news my friend 'M' who is a local friend and who also has IF is pg from her most recent cycle of clomid! Congrats M!!! I am so thrilled for you.

I also got an update from Corrie, who I have spoken about before, the judge ruled that there was an issue about the bio-dad and contact and he wasn't properly contacted and thus bio-dad COULD fight for custody. And then three days latter new evidence appeared and on Monday the judge pulled his ruling and agreed to hear the new evidence! So they are back at court. Their son Jordan is now 8 months old and I keep wondering when this hell will end for them. If you pray, PLEASE pray for Corrie.

Life problems not IF related

This post has nothing to do with IF and everything to do with my general life. If you intreasted feel free to read, but I won't hold it against anyone if they skip it.

My mom has been disabled for the last 8 or 9 years now. Right before my father left when I was 18 my mom injured her back at work. She is now considered disabled and is unable to do many of the things we take forgranted like bending, nealing, walking with out a limp, standing for long periods of time, and the ability to run or walk quickly across the street.

Because of her disablility my sis or I have lived with her since the divorce. That is until last May when R and I moved out because she wanted her own space and knew she was driving R mad. R and I moved out and then my sis moved out of state. I knew from the moment I was told about the move that this ment R and I would be soley responsible for my mom.

Please know that I love my mom. She is an amazing person and a wonderful mother, she is also one of my best friends, however being 25 and taking care of your mom and her house as well as yourself, husband, marraige and own home SUCKS! I wouldn't trade her in for a healthier model but I do wish she were better, and could do more for herself.

Every week I will come over for two mornings and help her change her bedding, do laundrey, litter, take out the garbage, vacume, dishes, mop floors, organize, fix things, straigten, walk the dog, bath the dog, clean the bathroom and what ever else needs to be done. Of course not all of that needs to be done everytime but if you add that on top of what my place needs it is a lot of extra work.

Most days I do it with out complaint because after all she put up with so much worse when I was a child and because I love her. I wouldn't think twice about living with her again.... if not for R.

When R and I met years ago he knew of my situation with my mom. He knew she wouldn't get better and that eventually she would need to live with us permanitly. I have always been admit about NOT putting her in one of those crappy assisted living homes. She is not old or senile and DOES NOT belong there and as long as I can care for her I will not put her in one of those things. He knew all of this and understood she was a part of the deal. In fact I made it very clear to him that if he wasn't okay with her he shoud leave before things got serious because for me, it was a deal breaker if he didn't understand all of the above.

Years went by and when he propesed and I said yes I reminded him again. She is a part of the deal. He was okay with that. After the wedding she got better and we thought shecould live on her own. I was very hesatant about that because I didn't want to have to take care of two households. R promised he would help. he promised she would be fine, I belived him because I wanted to not because I thought he was right.

It will be a year at the end of May since we moved, we still live in the same town as her but I still spend much of my time here at her house. R comes with me on the weekend and he helps with the things that need to be done. In the summer he does the back yard and patio while I do the inside of the house. He doesn't like doing it but he does it. Recently though he does it more and more be grudgingly... and when we have her over for dinner he is more distant to her than he once was.

I understand his pain but I have a hard time dealing with it. After all I wish things were difrent too. I wish she was healthy and could be more independant, but these are my cards. he has know that since the beggining. So why do I feel like now he wants to change his mind? I have this feeling that very soon I will have to chose between them, it is a dicision I have made up in my mind years before we even met, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.

This week

This week has been filled with ups and downs. Thursday I had a hard day. I just didn't feel right, emotionally or physically. R came home and we went to get some pictures professionally taken. I didn't like any of them but one and that was only after she re touched it. I ordered a few of it and told her I must be in a funky mood because I really didn't like the way I looked in any of the photos. Now I realize it wasn't just my funky mood, she just didn't know how to instruct either of us.

Friday was my mom's birthday and her and I had a great day. We did pedicures and lunch out and then came home to rest before R got here and then we did dinner at the Melting Pot (fondue restaurant) it was excellent and she really had a great day.

Saturday I went over to my mom's and helped her with some household things, laundry, cleaning, organizing and such. Then I came home and R and I fought. I broke down and cried hysterically, he tried to comfort me but that only made it worse. I was feeling very distant from him and didn't want to be touched. I stoped crying and we talked. I don't know if he understands what is going on with me or not but he does care and told me he loves me and is here. He also wants me to tell him if I feel like I did last week again, I think he realized how upset I was then. After a three hour talk we were finally okay again. I also told him about last blog entree. He cried when I told him what I wrote. He looked me in the eyes and told me he would do anything for a child, but that he is scared of what all the hormones and pressure will do to me. I see his point now but he also sees mine.

Today I spent the day with a fellow t-ttcer. We had a great time and talked a lot. She is now pregnant and loving it. It was so nice to be around a pregnant lady who I am not jealous of. I love babies and was very excited showing her my favorite stroller, the Bugaboo. I hope her and I can get together again soon, because it was nice to talk to someone who understood. She did however scare me a little about the HSG. She is the third person I have met face to face who has instead R go with and that I take Motrin. I told her R had already insisted he go and that not only was I going to take a Motrin but also a Soma. Why can't the people I met have had painless HSG? At least this way I will be prepared for the pain, and if I have none then I will be thrilled.

Other than all of that there is little other news from me. I should remind all of you that I will be leaving on the 5th of February to go visit my sister. There is NO Internet access at her house so I will me MIA for about a week. I will miss blogging terribly because I get such great support from all of you. Till next time... Hugs.

Hubby vent

R just has no idea about IF stuff. I love R very very much but he has really tried no to learn about all the IF stuff so far and now I am getting really upset. 7 almost 8 months ago when AF finally showed for the first time I had just started looking into fertility treatments. I know from my lack of cycles it that something was wrong. R on the other hand chose to believe my Drs that I was fine and it all would be okay. When I got AF for the first time on my own after the pill, we were both thrilled. When I Oed we were thrilled. When my cycles continued to be normal I was very happy. Then just a few months into my normal cycles we hit that one year mark. Suddenly it hit me, we had tried for a year with no luck. R was certain we would get pg in the next few cycles so while I stayed on the t-ttc board and learned everything I could about IF R stayed blissfully unaware. I looked at insurance, worried about treatment cost. Looked into going on Clomid without monerting and read everything I could about Femera.

Now that we are going to see an RE and now that we have both came to terms with needing an RE; R needs to get informed. Only problem is R doesn't have the time, and quite frankly he just isn't interested. This galls me to no end. He has no idea about my hormones, no clue about side effects or even how my body works. R is content being not well informed, and while he likes that I include him in decisions he doesn't care to be educated on the subject by anyone but me or his previous knowledge, all of which is the shit they feed us in high school sex education.

This makes me feel alone in the process. I am going to have to research REs. I have to look up the stats, and in the end, I will decide who we will go to. In a way this is fine because I like being in control of everything. But on the other hand it means R is lagging way behind on the IF education train.

I have this nightmare where we are going into see the RE and Ryon asks the RE what my uterus is. I know he knows this but still I can just imagine him using our entire consult going over really basic info. I am angry at him for relying on me to take care of this. Angry that he isn't stepping up to the plate to learn more about the journey we are about to go down.

I don't know how to get him to be more involved and I worry that his lack of interest some how is indicative of how much he wants a child. I know in my heart he just hasn't come to terms with needing help and I wish he was right and that we are rushing things and don't need this. However my OBs have told me they have done everything they can do. Once I finish these last two tests that is it, they will have nothing left they can do. So now I keep looking at clinics, and try to decide who will help us make our dream come true.