What a weekend!

This weekend was filled with ups downs and driving all around!

Short Story:
AF arrived and their was tons of drama and a large mix up about money and prescriptions and for a short time I thought my clinic hated me and was ignoring my calls. But in the end everything is fine and I took my first Femara dose tonight. Pictures to prove it at the end.

Long Story:
Friday AF arrived and so the RE called my Femara script into the drug store. I didn't think K.aiser would cover it so we sent it elsewhere. Well that was a BAD idea! Femara costs 10-15 dollars a pill! According to the Dr it costs 2-3 dollars a pill but the CHEAPEST place I could find it at (costco) was 10 dollars a pill. But before I picked it up a nestie K told me K.aiser WILL pay for it because it is a cancer drug not a fertility drug (things like this is one more reason I LOVE thenes.t). It was too late to call the clinic back so I waited till Saturday morning to call.

Saturday we had three things to do: 1 get a written script from the RE to take to Kaiser and have filled there 2) get my blood work done at the recommended lab and 3) Get new tires for the car. I started calling the RE (different office than my regular one) at 7:29 one minute before they opened and left a message on the call line that said I would receive a call back in no more than 30 minutes. R and I decided to head off to the lab first and wait for a call back. At the lab there were LOTS of people and so we waited and waited and I called the clinic 2 more times each at 40 minute intervals. Still no word from the RE office. It is finally my turn for a blood draw and when I get up there she says " that will be one THOUSAND two HUNDRED and twenty two dollars". My eyes popped out of my face, my skin cringed and I nearly passed out. I told her my lab had "contract prices with them and they told me it would be 120" I even handed her the sheet that said so. The lab girl said "Nope it's.... 1,222 dollars". I told her we can't afford that and walked out.

Now if you know me you will know that I am the kind of person who will put up a fight to get what she wants but that day I had no fight. My clinic wasn't returning my calls and the lab work was going to be 10 times what they said and they miss quoted my drug price. I had had enough. I called the RE office one last time in the car on the way to the office and again got the answering service.

When we arrived I had already decided that I had had enough, and to sit a cycle out because obviously something wasn't going right.We walk in and I tell the front desk who I am and that I have called 5 times left 3 messages in 3.5 hours and have YET to receive a call back and they say "we haven't got any messages" I told them "YES YOU DO! I am NOT lying!" and sure enough they realize that their 'main' line is going to the OLD voice mail service not the new one and that is the reason they haven't received my calls.

The panic, frustration and anger melt and I become a sobbing mess, in their front room. A very nice nurse escorts us back and helps R calm me down. She promises me that whatever is going wrong she is going to fix. Of course she has to say this because I am sobbing to R "I change my mind I don't want to do this, it is too hard. Lets just try on our own". Upon hearing that she is going to help and after a few minutes of R holding me and telling me it will be fine I compose myself enough to talk to her. I tell her EVERYTHING and quickly she realizes the blood work slips I have been given are wrong and that the lab had the wrong info down for me. She begins to take care of it and in the end everything is fine. I get my blood work done (at the clinic so I don't have to drive back) and it costs me EXACTLY what the paper says, and I get a written script that K.aiser filled for the cost of my normal prescriptions.

We don't get the car tires change though because R decides he should just take me home feed me and let me nap, which I happily do.

Sunday: We get our new tires on the car and run errands, clean the house, have my niece and nephew over for dinner and tonight I took my first dose of Femara. Here are the pics to prove it!

Mourning

There was a point durring today that I realized I couldn't do this anymore. That putting my life on hold and hoping and pryaing for what I have wanted all my life is most likly no longer good for me. I was on the edge, of what I don't know but defintly on the edge. I still feel there some moments, but when I read this, I came back to my senses and realized I would do anything for a child:


http://www.thenestbaby.com/stages/stage.aspx?stage=trimester1&ForumID=469&MsdVisit=1


I am trying to go on with my life as normal. I don't think my IRL family and friends know just how badly I hurt right now. If they did I think they all might freak out. I am trying to keep them sheltered from my pain, even R doesn't know how much I have cried these last few days. He goes to bed and I weep for hours. It takes every bit of me to dress and shower. I am falling apart right now. All my hopes and dreams seem to be rushing away from me. What is left of me is my outer shell.

Today my mom described me as depressed, I told her this isn't depression this is me mourning. She doesn't get it. Doesn't get that I am scared of needing help. Scared of the needles and the cost. Scared that at the end I will have nothing left.

As a child and teen I wanted so much to be a mom. It was the only thing I have always wanted to do. My friend's all have told me that at times I act like a mom. I look out for them, make sure they are okay. As a child I would comfort the crying toddler in day camp. As a teen I would make sure my friends didn't drink enough to pass out. In my early 20's I was always the designated driver. It has always been my job to look out for those I love. I would be a great mom too, so why not me.

at least my cat's love me

Today is 'thankful thursday' on the nest. Everyone posts one thing they are thankful for. I have a few:
my husband hasn't left me...yet
my mother's health is stable...kinda
we have a nice place to live...except that our neighbors leave trash outfront thier door for days and our landlord does nothing about it
my cats love me... and there is no doubt in this one. No exception nothing because Gemma and Issabella love me. Issie hasn't left my side in the last two days. She wants to be where ever I am. I think this is her way of taking care of me. After all they must know something is up. It is rare that I cry this often.

This afternoon my Mom really wanted me to accompany her shoping. I gave in only because she told me she had been depresed the last few days. I figured that I could put on a smily face for her but I couldn't. We did a little shoping but after just two stores I couldn't take it any more. She said it was okay but I could tell she wanted to do more. On the way home she told me that one day I would look back on all this and it wouldn't hurt so much. I know she is right but I don't feel that way right now. Right now I feel like this is the end of the world.