Mourning

There was a point durring today that I realized I couldn't do this anymore. That putting my life on hold and hoping and pryaing for what I have wanted all my life is most likly no longer good for me. I was on the edge, of what I don't know but defintly on the edge. I still feel there some moments, but when I read this, I came back to my senses and realized I would do anything for a child:


http://www.thenestbaby.com/stages/stage.aspx?stage=trimester1&ForumID=469&MsdVisit=1


I am trying to go on with my life as normal. I don't think my IRL family and friends know just how badly I hurt right now. If they did I think they all might freak out. I am trying to keep them sheltered from my pain, even R doesn't know how much I have cried these last few days. He goes to bed and I weep for hours. It takes every bit of me to dress and shower. I am falling apart right now. All my hopes and dreams seem to be rushing away from me. What is left of me is my outer shell.

Today my mom described me as depressed, I told her this isn't depression this is me mourning. She doesn't get it. Doesn't get that I am scared of needing help. Scared of the needles and the cost. Scared that at the end I will have nothing left.

As a child and teen I wanted so much to be a mom. It was the only thing I have always wanted to do. My friend's all have told me that at times I act like a mom. I look out for them, make sure they are okay. As a child I would comfort the crying toddler in day camp. As a teen I would make sure my friends didn't drink enough to pass out. In my early 20's I was always the designated driver. It has always been my job to look out for those I love. I would be a great mom too, so why not me.