Thursday, January 17, 2008

Mourning

There was a point durring today that I realized I couldn't do this anymore. That putting my life on hold and hoping and pryaing for what I have wanted all my life is most likly no longer good for me. I was on the edge, of what I don't know but defintly on the edge. I still feel there some moments, but when I read this, I came back to my senses and realized I would do anything for a child:


http://www.thenestbaby.com/stages/stage.aspx?stage=trimester1&ForumID=469&MsdVisit=1


I am trying to go on with my life as normal. I don't think my IRL family and friends know just how badly I hurt right now. If they did I think they all might freak out. I am trying to keep them sheltered from my pain, even R doesn't know how much I have cried these last few days. He goes to bed and I weep for hours. It takes every bit of me to dress and shower. I am falling apart right now. All my hopes and dreams seem to be rushing away from me. What is left of me is my outer shell.

Today my mom described me as depressed, I told her this isn't depression this is me mourning. She doesn't get it. Doesn't get that I am scared of needing help. Scared of the needles and the cost. Scared that at the end I will have nothing left.

As a child and teen I wanted so much to be a mom. It was the only thing I have always wanted to do. My friend's all have told me that at times I act like a mom. I look out for them, make sure they are okay. As a child I would comfort the crying toddler in day camp. As a teen I would make sure my friends didn't drink enough to pass out. In my early 20's I was always the designated driver. It has always been my job to look out for those I love. I would be a great mom too, so why not me.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

You will be a mom someday. It will happen eventually, one way or another. I feel like most things in life happen for a reason. They teach us patience, and along the way help us realize just how much we really want and desire something. That way, when it happens, we really, really appreciate it and understand the depth of it's importance.

Ariella said...

anonymous- You have no way of knowing if I will ever be a mom unles you have a crystal ball or talk to God. As for this having happened for a reason, next time you lose a loved one or are devistated by something remind yourself it happened for a reason! GTH!

Anonymous said...

I am in the same position as you, and was trying to offer support. My apologies if it didn't come across that way.

Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

I guess I should further clarify, not the "same" situation, but similar as every case is different.

Diana said...

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time but you are not alone. I hope you are able to try the next step, the shots aren't as scary as they first seem to be but the money part can be.

Butterfly said...

I know that you be a Mom some day and I can feel you pain - I too yearn to be a Mom and for reasons you know I cannot right now but I trust in God that he will give us the opportunity to share our love with a child and a child of our own.

I could have wrote the part of your post about always been a Mom since looking out for others - being the designated driver and looking out for those we love. We have the inbuilt Mom gene and will one day hold our own child in our arms. I am a lot older that you so I need to hold on to the hope that this will happen to me in the next 3-4 years!! Even if I have to go to the sperm bank!! :-)

Hugs and prayers to you,
Love,
Leona