Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Feeling better

Okay now that I have broken down crying twice today I feel better. I have a feeling I will cry more tonight but who doesn't cry over BFN's at this stage in the game? Over all though I am feeling better.

I have spent all day in my pjs and have yet to shower! I watched TV, nested, napped and reed 1/4 of my new book. I have decided that I am going to start reading again. I can finish a book in a night if I don't watch TV and so since I am not working at the moment my three goals for this week and next are to:
1) Read more (one book a week)
2) Clean up the 2nd bdrm
3) apply to grad school

I am going to throw myself into these projects tomorrow in the hopes of feeling better about myself and not thinking about IF for a while. I have a feeling AF isn't going to come for a while. I have no idea how long my Dr will make me wait for provera but I figure I will call in if she doesn't show in another week.

R seems to be okay with the BFN but he can hide his pain well. Tonight I hope we can have a talk about it. We really haven't talked about how we feel about all this since before I saw the Dr last week. We need to talk not about money so much as how we are feeling. We haven't been doing the best job on keeping track of how the other feels.

I also think it is time for me to go back to therapy, I can feel myself withdrawing from life today and I know from the past that this means I am about to have/having a bout of depression. Luckily I just found the name of an IF counselor who is reasonable and local. I may call her tomorrow.

It is also time for me to go back to church. I have never been into going to church but I think it might be good for me. At this point I would do just about anything to make me feel better. It is time I do something good for me that makes me feel good instead of things that aren't good for me but make me feel good.


Sasha said...

Hey Ariel,

I'm glad you are feeling better. I can relate to so much of what you are going through-- it was me about a year ago. It does get easier, and you are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself when you need to and reaching out for help and support.

I set a lot of goals and projects and though it didn't erase the pain, it was useful for me to have something else to direct my energy toward, aside from looking at my chart and overanalyzing my symptoms!

I think it will get harder for me as we start doing treatments and those fail too. I haven't really let myself go there yet.

I'm glad you have a supportive DH who actually feels IF as much as you do. Mine really doesn't get upset at all and it is hard for us to be on different planets at something I feel so painfully deep. Anyway, I hope you are able to talk to him and use this experience as a way to bring you closer and learn about yourselves.

Best wishes, and I hope someday soon you'll get to post that post all of us dream about.

Diana said...

Hugs, I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better. :( Sounds like you have some good ideas though.