Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Life problems not IF related

This post has nothing to do with IF and everything to do with my general life. If you intreasted feel free to read, but I won't hold it against anyone if they skip it.

My mom has been disabled for the last 8 or 9 years now. Right before my father left when I was 18 my mom injured her back at work. She is now considered disabled and is unable to do many of the things we take forgranted like bending, nealing, walking with out a limp, standing for long periods of time, and the ability to run or walk quickly across the street.

Because of her disablility my sis or I have lived with her since the divorce. That is until last May when R and I moved out because she wanted her own space and knew she was driving R mad. R and I moved out and then my sis moved out of state. I knew from the moment I was told about the move that this ment R and I would be soley responsible for my mom.

Please know that I love my mom. She is an amazing person and a wonderful mother, she is also one of my best friends, however being 25 and taking care of your mom and her house as well as yourself, husband, marraige and own home SUCKS! I wouldn't trade her in for a healthier model but I do wish she were better, and could do more for herself.

Every week I will come over for two mornings and help her change her bedding, do laundrey, litter, take out the garbage, vacume, dishes, mop floors, organize, fix things, straigten, walk the dog, bath the dog, clean the bathroom and what ever else needs to be done. Of course not all of that needs to be done everytime but if you add that on top of what my place needs it is a lot of extra work.

Most days I do it with out complaint because after all she put up with so much worse when I was a child and because I love her. I wouldn't think twice about living with her again.... if not for R.

When R and I met years ago he knew of my situation with my mom. He knew she wouldn't get better and that eventually she would need to live with us permanitly. I have always been admit about NOT putting her in one of those crappy assisted living homes. She is not old or senile and DOES NOT belong there and as long as I can care for her I will not put her in one of those things. He knew all of this and understood she was a part of the deal. In fact I made it very clear to him that if he wasn't okay with her he shoud leave before things got serious because for me, it was a deal breaker if he didn't understand all of the above.

Years went by and when he propesed and I said yes I reminded him again. She is a part of the deal. He was okay with that. After the wedding she got better and we thought shecould live on her own. I was very hesatant about that because I didn't want to have to take care of two households. R promised he would help. he promised she would be fine, I belived him because I wanted to not because I thought he was right.

It will be a year at the end of May since we moved, we still live in the same town as her but I still spend much of my time here at her house. R comes with me on the weekend and he helps with the things that need to be done. In the summer he does the back yard and patio while I do the inside of the house. He doesn't like doing it but he does it. Recently though he does it more and more be grudgingly... and when we have her over for dinner he is more distant to her than he once was.

I understand his pain but I have a hard time dealing with it. After all I wish things were difrent too. I wish she was healthy and could be more independant, but these are my cards. he has know that since the beggining. So why do I feel like now he wants to change his mind? I have this feeling that very soon I will have to chose between them, it is a dicision I have made up in my mind years before we even met, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.

1 comment:

Diana said...

OH no, I really hope you don't have to make a decision like that. Have you talked to him about this in depth? Have you discussed maybe getting a place with a guest house she could live in? Is something like that a possibility?

I commend you for taking care of your mom. You are a wonderful person.