Monday, January 21, 2008

Hubby vent

R just has no idea about IF stuff. I love R very very much but he has really tried no to learn about all the IF stuff so far and now I am getting really upset. 7 almost 8 months ago when AF finally showed for the first time I had just started looking into fertility treatments. I know from my lack of cycles it that something was wrong. R on the other hand chose to believe my Drs that I was fine and it all would be okay. When I got AF for the first time on my own after the pill, we were both thrilled. When I Oed we were thrilled. When my cycles continued to be normal I was very happy. Then just a few months into my normal cycles we hit that one year mark. Suddenly it hit me, we had tried for a year with no luck. R was certain we would get pg in the next few cycles so while I stayed on the t-ttc board and learned everything I could about IF R stayed blissfully unaware. I looked at insurance, worried about treatment cost. Looked into going on Clomid without monerting and read everything I could about Femera.

Now that we are going to see an RE and now that we have both came to terms with needing an RE; R needs to get informed. Only problem is R doesn't have the time, and quite frankly he just isn't interested. This galls me to no end. He has no idea about my hormones, no clue about side effects or even how my body works. R is content being not well informed, and while he likes that I include him in decisions he doesn't care to be educated on the subject by anyone but me or his previous knowledge, all of which is the shit they feed us in high school sex education.

This makes me feel alone in the process. I am going to have to research REs. I have to look up the stats, and in the end, I will decide who we will go to. In a way this is fine because I like being in control of everything. But on the other hand it means R is lagging way behind on the IF education train.

I have this nightmare where we are going into see the RE and Ryon asks the RE what my uterus is. I know he knows this but still I can just imagine him using our entire consult going over really basic info. I am angry at him for relying on me to take care of this. Angry that he isn't stepping up to the plate to learn more about the journey we are about to go down.

I don't know how to get him to be more involved and I worry that his lack of interest some how is indicative of how much he wants a child. I know in my heart he just hasn't come to terms with needing help and I wish he was right and that we are rushing things and don't need this. However my OBs have told me they have done everything they can do. Once I finish these last two tests that is it, they will have nothing left they can do. So now I keep looking at clinics, and try to decide who will help us make our dream come true.


Diana said...

I think my DH has been so incredibly supportive and wonderful through this whole experience. But let me tell you, it took time. People say that men lag about 6 months behind and I totally agree with this. When we were coming close to a year he thought we could still keep trying. What was wonderful was that he recognized that I needed more. He said he thought we should keep trying but that I could call the shots, he would do what I felt we needed to do and this worked for us.

Just because he doesn't seem to get all the details doesn't mean very much in my opinion. As long as he is willing to do what is necessary according to you, that is supportive in my eyes. I read too many blogs where the husband refuses to even get a sperm analysis done and that makes me soooo angry.

So please cut him a little slack, he is a man and they just don't seem to get it like we do. They don't have the clock ticking or the intense desire but that does not mean that he will not be the most amazing father ever. As long as he follows your lead and does not try to stop you taking the next steps then he is doing what he can.

Go ahead and keep venting though, it is frustrating that they don't want to know more BUT do you really want him putting in an opinion every 10 seconds? :)

Anonymous said...

I hope he catches up, and I think he will.

good luck!

Trish said...

Honestly, I don't think I've heard of a single person whose man was either on-board or ahead of the woman in this area.

In general, men don't take great care of their health as it is. Then you add all this bullshit virility stuff, and it just gets worse.

Having been, and still occasionally going, through the same notion- that his lack of interest somehow translates into not wanting a baby more, I can say that I seriously doubt that's true.

Have you said that to him? I mean, really layed it out there "When you don't want to know about things, it makes me feel like you don't care about us having a baby." I bet you'd be surprised at the answer you'd get.
I've had to say the same thing to my husband a time or two and he always reassures me that he does..
It's just that he truly does deal with things differently than me.

Perhaps his faith is stronger than mine, perhaps his denial deeper, but for whatever reason, he still believes things WILL work out.. and moves forward with that assumption.

I believe that we have to MAKE things happens and I move forward with that assumption.
We just come at things from different directions.. The biggest thing is that we're headed to the same place.

Good luck to you!

IVF 4 Dummies said...

I really think that's so very common. Most women don't know what we know about conception and pregnancy, and for men it really is very abstract. It's hard for them to understand. I didn't want to spend our IVF consult talking about (what I consider) basic biology that I'd been trying to explain for months...years! DH, and was irritated when the consult took that turn. But, my RE put it in a context DH understood...she used sports analogies, things that finally made that light bulb go on and he got it. He also finally really understood the IVF process. As much as it wasn't the direction I wanted to take at the consult, it was much needed and worked out really well.

JustMe said...

Maybe he feels like a failure for not giving you a baby and the best way for him to keep it all together is to be as uninvolved as necissary....

Not trying to let Dh off the hook... but guys are different.

I hope that he can show you that he cares and is interested in your TTC soon! : )