Sunday, January 6, 2008

Jealousy

I am such a green monster these days. I see pg ladies everywhere become jealous I wonder if they know how lucky they are, wonder if the will do the best they can to be a great mom. I am jealous of their big belly's, their waddle, their gloating husbands. I am also jealous of new moms, possibly even more that the pg ones. I look with disgust at moms who don't see how lucky they are. Those that drag their children around the store telling them shut up or not now.

Sadly I am even jealous of my sis. My sister has two kids who I love and adore. My nephew is 3 and my niece is one. They are some of the cutest kids! My sis, like most my family, got pg easily. 2nd or 3rd try with both. BUT her pregnancies were hard. She took suppositories of progesterone with my nephew and still was on bed rest most of the pregnancy and with her 2nd she was also very high risk. But still I would give anything to trade places with her because after all she does have both of them. In a way I know she kind of gets what this is like for me because while I wonder if I will ever have children of my own, she wondered the same thing since many Drs felt it would be near imposable for her to have a normal full term healthy pregnancy. But still I am jealous.

There seems to be only one kind of mommy I am not jealous of. Those who have gone through IF. Take C and L, both battled IF for years and ended up adopting. Both have wonderful little babies and I am not jealous of either. I know both have paid their dues (if there is such a thing) and that neither will ever forget those of us still in the trenches. And K and A who are both pg. I am THRILLED for them.

In fact the first 5 to 8 blogs on the side of this are ladies who are expecting and I am not jealous of them at all. I am thrilled for them. Of course I want to join there little group but I am not jealous of them. But all other mommies and mommies-to-be beware, because I envy you. And envy isn't a good thing, the green monster can make people do crazy things. So if I suddenly go postal at the woman in Safeway who tells her crying child to shut up, please know that IF drove me to it.

2 comments:

Diana said...

You brought tears to my eyes with this post. I dread the day I see "that look" in some strangers face when they see my belly. I want to wear a sign that says I have paid my dues, not as many dues as some people but definitely more than others. I am so sad at the idea that someone could not know me and I could stir pain in their hearts. I know that pain. I also know what you mean about not being jealous of people who "paid their dues" but wanting to smack the horrible woman in the grocery store that ignores her child.

I look at my lovely Angie bracelet and think of those still in the trenches and my heart aches. IF is just too unfair with all of the reminders around.

I am so sorry. My prayers are with you that you will find your miracle in 2008.

Trish said...

Even though I'm now pregnant, I still feel the same way. It's a terrible way to be. Seeing "the enemy" everywhere. I TRY to remember that there are thousands of women just like me out there and maybe the women in front of me in line is one of "us." But man it's hard.
Particularly when I see a mom who seems like she just doesn't want to be one. It's infuriating. I just want to scream "DON'T YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU YOU ARE!?"

But alas.. we suffer in silence.