He is HERE!

OMG sorry this is so late!

Riley Ethan W. or REW made his way into the world on Dec 7thth. He was born via c-section (yep you read that right), at 8:37 am. I was only 36w2d pg at the time but he was born healthy and didn't need any help breathing.

His stats:
6lbs 13 oz
19.5 inches long

And a picture:

Going back on the pill

Not BC pill, anti-depression pills. I have thought a LOT about my depression and last year's (see any post in Feb/March) break down. Family and friends really dropped the ball on that one and so did I. I really should have been on drugs then.

When we found out Roo was breech I spent the weekend crying, I wasn't consolable about 30% of the time. I knew that weekend that no matter how Roo comes out, I would need the drugs as soon as he does. Actually I think it might be wise to take them starting now since it can take a while to get dosage right but I really want to make it through the pg drug free.

So for the last few weeks I have been slowly mentally preparing myself that I will be taking them. R and I talked about it a little and sadly he seemed hesitant to agree at first. The next day was a Sunday I spent alone and I cried all day again. He came home, I was a complete emotional mess and it clicked for him. I need to be back on my meds. He is 100% supportive now.

I don't think I would have come to this realization without the help and support of my bestest friend Shannon. Love you girl! She really helped me see the light, she would probably be the only person other than me to argue I should go back on the meds now and she is right. I know she is right but I am not ready to really admit that anywhere but here.

So that is my newest confession, if you know me IRL please don't bring this up, unless I do first. It isn't something I really want to talk about all that much. I will be bringing it up on my own with each of you I am sure.

Still here

Yes yes yes, I am a bad blogger. Oh well spank me later. Here is an update:

Roo is breech! Yes bye bye natural birth unless he decides to turn. I am 35 weeks now and we found out at 32 weeks he was breech. To say I was upset would be an understatement. Then someone who just had a breech baby wrote "If you had told me while going through IF that I would have a baby, but need a c-section and then face breastfeeding issues, I would have been thrilled". That put it all into perspective for me, well that and thinking about how lucky I am that Roo is otherwise healthy.

After doing all kinds of natural turning techniques including, pressure points, swimming, hand stands, hanging from my feet on an inversion table, crawling with my butt in the air, and chiropractic care our next step is a manual outside aversion. The procedure has risks which is why we tried everything else first, but the risk is small and doesn't include fetal death. Okay actually there were two cases of fetal death associated with the procedure, both happened in Zimbabwe, with no fetal monitoring. I am in the USA, under the care of a Dr who does 4-5 of these a week and will have extensive monitoring. The risk in our situation is that Roo wouldn't tolerate the procedure well and thus need to come out ASAP. This is why we haven't shared that he is breech with R's family and also why we are waiting till 36 weeks to attempt it.

The procedure is about 60% effective, with about 2% of those babies then reversing back to breech position. The possibility that Roo doesn't tolerate the procedure is .5%. R and I thought a lot about not doing the aversion, I spoke with people who have had successful ones and unsuccessful ones and through those conversations we decided we would go forward with the procedure.

Of course if Roo turns on his own by Friday then I won't need the procedure but at this point it seems highly unlikely. Feel free to send me good vibes, positive thoughts and turning dust for Friday, and as always we take prayers too.

As for everything else, well it is all just fine. My heartburn was God awful last week, it had been getting worse the last two months. I cried to my Dr to prescribe me something, but he wouldn't and so I am on Z.anta.c over the counter. It has been two days and I feel 100% better! I am so relieved!

I promise to update more regularly. Also for those waiting on Roo's blog invatations, you will need to wait a little longer.

Election DAY

It is here, it is here! Today is a big day for our country, a day that will bring CHANGE. If you have the right to go vote then PLEASE VOTE! It is important that we the people make the choices for our nation, and one way we do that is by voting. So if you haven't yet go VOTE!

Tonight R and I agreed to try and stay away from the election news. I have rented us some movies and we will have a Internet free night together. Hopefully this will keep us from killing each other. We did agree to check in at the end of the night and see who won, neither of us is sure this is a good idea but I don't think I would sleep unless I know who won, and even then if "the other guy" does win (heaven help us) I don't think I will sleep.

Other than the presidential election there are only three CA measures I really want to keep a close eye on. They are 2, 4 and of course 8. Four and Eight are to close to call at the moment, making me very nervous. Thankfully R agrees with me on those to measures and we are voting the same way. I have to admit if he felt differently on 8 than me that would be a deal breaker for our marriage I have a hard time understanding strangers who vote opposite of me on it, I don't think I could live with a man who felt marriage was only between a man and a woman. Prop 8 feels to much like a hate crime to me. Four I feel slightly less opinionated about but not by much. I know other states have similar laws to this but that doesn't mean CA should. I believe in a woman's right to chose despite age, and parental notification under minds that right to chose for teens.

Lessons Learned

I didn't sign up for NaBloPoMo this year but I am going to attempt it anyway and try to do 30 posts in 30 days. I have some old issues I really need to workout before baby gets here, some stuff about my father, some stuff about a med free labor, and some stuff about becoming a mom.

First on my list

Infertility taught me a great lesson about life: sometimes you can't pull yourself up by your own boot straps no matter how hard you try.

I have always know this about other people. That sometimes the world and existing powers do everything to keep you from succeeding, but I never realized it would apply to me. Infertility taught me this and has made me more understanding of others struggles. I now see people in forecloser, people in poverty and others unable to power themselves upward in a different light. I am more aware that somethings happen despite trying our best for them not to. And now I know that this was my lesson, that if God really has a master plan for everyone (and I am not saying he does) that this was why it took us longer than most to conceive. God was trying to teach me, that sometimes despite how hard we try life will continue to hand us lemons, or derail us from our dreams.

What is in a Name?

As you know we aren't sharring Roo's name till he is here. Our reasoning behind this is simple 1) I don't want to hear everyone's opinion. 2) I think it will be fun for R to have something exciting to share with family once he is born.

But I also want to put his name up on the wall. I have a spot picked out that is perfect and while I really fell in love with letters from Etsy, at 20 dollars each that was kinda a budget breaker, think over 100 dollars. So I am doing it myself.

I got the steps from a fellow blogger and got to work. The project was fairly easy and the total cost was 20 dollars. Obviously I can't share the whole finished project yet but here is a single letter through the proccess.








And a funny story just to show how wierd people can get about not sharring his name:


I was at Joann's picking out letters to go on the wall which would make up Roo's name, when a lady comes up to me and starts asking me how far along I am and such. I have two different types of letters spelling out his name on the floor since I am trying to decide which font to use. She continues to talk to me about her children (she is about my mom's age) and then asks if we have a name picked out. I told her "Yes but we aren't sharing, however I think it is a obvious" and I nod toward the floor. I figured she would look down and see his name and that would be the end of it. Instead I got a ten minute lecture about how I should share the name with her because it isn't as though she is going to tell anyone. I told her again to look down at the ground, but she wouldn't, she just kept getting more irate with me. She finally walked away having never looked down, its funny how pissed she got about it.

Politics

With the election getting so close I have begun to feel the tension in our house rise to a point where you can cut it with a knife. Last night we went out for dinner with family and when politics arose I could feel R shifting his weight, getting uncomfortable in his skin, to be honest so was I. Living in a mixed household is a lot easier than discussing it out in public. We took turns changing the subject. It bothers me that R will actually go into attack mode rather than just try and change the subject sometimes. Thankfully last night we were able to keep the other side bashing to a minimum.

A few nights ago the news came on after a show I was watching. They were being very optimistic about Obama winning. I could feel my heart in my throat, my lungs getting squished as I remembered sitting in front of the TV four years ago hearing a similar report about Kerry. I asked R to turn off the TV telling him I couldn't watch it. He responded with "Why? Your guy is winning, aren't you happy?" in a tone that expressed all to clearly his disgust. As I wobbled (yes I wobble in the evenings now) out of the room I told him no, I hate that people are counting the chickens before they hatch. It reminds me to much of four years ago, and how I felt like the world would end, when Bush was re-elected. I remember everyone, including me being so sure Kerry would win, after all how could we as a nation re-elect Bush, and yet he was re-elected. I want Obama to win but these days I find myself trying more and more to be okay with the idea that he might not. Because I can't go through the shock of another loss like 04. Don't get me wrong if Obama loses I will wear black. I will probably cry too but it won't end my world because at least it isn't four more years of Bush.

In a completly seperate coversation R asked me if I thought I could ever live in a swing state, we aren't actually thinking about moving this was just one of those "what If" conversations couples have. I have often said I would love to live in a state where my vote really "counted" and could make a big difference but when I think about it, maybe not. Even here in CA I am considered a leftie liberal, so the in the rest of the nation my ideas and politics are considered extreme. While I love the idea of living somewhere where my vote could actually be the difference of my guy winning or the other guy, the years between national elections would be torchier. I love my friends who disagree with my politics, but I can't imagine living in a place where the majority of people were significantly less extreme than me. I love my green party friends, my friends who vote purely with the democratic party; no I don't include myself in this group being pro-death penalty, and simi anti gun-control. In short it would be to hard to hold my tongue all the time, and if I lived anywhere else I might have to. I like being part of the majority in CA. I like being able to voice my political opinion in a room of strangers and know that it is likely the majority is with me. So no, we will not be moving out of state any time soon.

Show and Tell Sunday

Today I am particapaiting in my very first show and tell Sunday! I hope there are many more to come.

Today I was suposed to spend the day with a friend in the city but alis she got sick and had to cancel. R had a thing with friends planned but apon hearing how I had nothing to do he cancled his plans for a Date Day. Date Days are common in my household but lately have become rare endagered days, brinking on exstinction. I was thrilled R wanted to do everything possable to make sure they didn't become exstenct.

R planned on of our favorite Date Days a outing to Mount D.! We live fairly close but it still takes us about 30 minutes to get from our house to the base of the mountain, and then another 45 minutes to get to the top. It is a wonderful place, full of wildlife. We got to have an up close look at some today when a racoon visited a campsite we were at.







We spent time at the top looking down at our towns. It is funny what you can see from 3,900 feet. We could both make out the hyws that form our area but neither of us could tell exactly where our house was.








We took some pics of us using the timmer feature on my camera. I think this one came out nice:






And also some belly pics:











A wonderful time was had by both of us and it was just what we needed to re-connect.

30 WEEKS! 3/4 of the way there!

This is a very exciting milestone for us. We are 30 weeks today and thus 3/4 of the way done. I am very happy to have made it thus far.

This week I started having regular braxton hicks contractions. They aren't much fun to be honest. My belly feels like a basket ball and you could bounce quarters off of it if you tried. R likes to feel my tummy when I have them because you can tell quite easily where Roo is. Roo doesn't seem to mind the BH to much but he does snuggle as high up and he can when I get them, making me more unconformable.

I officially have to many stretch marks to count. They itch, and I don't like them but at the same time am happy to get them. They are a small price to pay for the joy of motherhood and pregnancy.

We worked on the nursery a lot this week. R STILL needs to paint, a subject that is getting really old in our house. We have the 0 VOC paint, the supplies and I cleaned off the porch but no pained accessories yet. I am crossing my fingers and toes it is done this weekend. R is great about somethings but he works much better with deadlines, so my mom told him if he didn't get them painted she would net week. R hates being shown up by others so hopefully this is the motivation he needs.

Some of you may have noticed my profile now reads that I write TWO blogs; this one and Roo's World. Roo's World will be up and running shortly. It will be the place for all pics of Roo and possibly a naked belly pic or two. It will be invite only though because I don't want random people with pics of my son. If you want a invitation leave your email address, I plan on giving an invite to all regular readers, so don't be afraid to ask. Once I get you added I will delete your comment so that your email isn't floating around in the blogisphere.

If things were switched around?

Of you have been reading my blog for any length of time you will know politics are close to my heart, and that I lean LEFT, very very left in fact. Today I came across something about race and this election, race and racism is something I strugle with. I am not color blind and find that I occasionally will make an assumption about a person based on the color of their skin. I am NOT proud of this, but I do admit itand think a lot more people do this than admit it. It is something I am trying to change within me. When that happens I try to be aware of why I have made such an assumption and then disregard that assumption, being aware of my behavior. At all times I try to never let an assumption direct my behavior. I am really only two generations removed from direct racism. My father's parents are Greek (thus have very dark skin) and faced racism growing up in the South including being called the N word and my grandmother couldn't be friends with a girl in her class because she was "whiter" than her. This is nothing compared to the racism, both individual and systematic, that face our youth of color today but it does make me more aware of racism in general. All of that being said I want to share the following:

What if things were switched around -- Obama v McCain
Ponder the following:

What if the Obamas had paraded five children across the stage, including a three month old infant and an unwed, pregnant teenage daughter?

What if John McCain was a former president of the Harvard Law Review?

What if Barack Obama finished fifth from the bottom of his graduating class?

What if McCain had only married once, and Obama was a divorcee?

What if Obama was the candidate who left his first wife after a severe disfiguring car accident, when she no longer measured up to his standards?

What if Obama had met his second wife in a bar and had a long affair while he was still married?

What if Michelle Obama was the wife who not only became addicted to pain killers but also acquired them illegally through her charitable organization?

What if Cindy McCain graduated from Harvard?

What if Obama had been a member of the Keating Five? (The Keating Five were five United States Senators accused of corruption in 1989, igniting a major political scandal as part of the larger Savings and Loan crisis of the late 1980s and early 1990s.)

What if McCain was a charismatic, eloquent speaker?

What if Obama couldn't read from a teleprompter?

What if Obama was the one who had military experience that included discipline problems and a record of crashing seven planes?

What if Obama was the one who was known to display publicly, on many occasions, a serious anger management problem?

What if Michelle Obama's family had made their money from beer distribution?

What if the Obamas had adopted a white child? You could easily add to this list. If these questions reflected reality, do you really believe the election numbers would be as close as they are?

This is what racism does. It covers up, rationalizes and minimizes positive qualities in one candidate and emphasizes negative qualities in another when there is a color difference.



Educational Background:

Barack Obama:
Columbia University - B.A. Political Science with a Specialization in International Relations.
Harvard - Juris Doctor (J.D.) Magna Cume Laude

Joseph Biden:
University of Delaware - B.A. in History and B.A. in Political Science.
Syracuse University College of Law - Juris Doctor (J.D.)

vs.

John McCain:
United States Naval Academy - Class rank: 894 of 899

Sarah Palin:

Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general study
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester
University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B.A. in Journalism


Education isn't everything, but this is about the two highest offices in the land as well as our standing in the e world. You make the call.


There has to be a reason that, in spite of the above, we are where we are today.
Of course, there is a generous dosage of country-wide stupidity too.

I would love to know how this makes you feel. Please feel free to leave a comment on either side of the issue. I do ask that you be respectful of me and that this is MY blog not yours, so if you want to do name calling, or be disrespectful do it on your own blog.

So those are pg emotions...

You know the rumors that pg ladies are overly emotional, well they are somewhat true. I got my first dose of them last week, when R didn't paint the accent pieces of furniture on the day he had set aside for it. It wasn't one of those wimpy cries either. I am talking full on hysterics, mascara running, not breathing well cries that lasts for at least 5 minutes if not longer. The kind where just when you think it is done, you start right back up again.

Since then I have actually though R was having an affair! Those who know R will laugh because they know that even though we haven't been intimate in a long time, R would never ever do something like that. He isn't having an affair but he also wasn't where he was supposed to be, or answering his phone. He did leave me a message on my phone that his plans had changed and he was at a movie and thus wasn't avalible via phone, BUT I had left my phone at home and thus didn't get the message until after my freak out. I am sure pre-pg this would have bothered me to not know where he was but not quite as badly as it did that day. I thought for sure he would come home smelling of some other girl. And of course in this hormonal state I blamed the alleged affair on me because who wouldn't cheat on his pg wife who refuses sex?

The list goes on and on of emotional break downs, these are the two worst ones. I don't think it is depression, since I feel fine after I cry. I am getting out of bed laughing and enjoying life still so that is great. It does however have me worried, and R too. We both agreed to be sure and talk about any signs of depression we might see in me. If you see it you will say something too, right?

29 and 1/2 week update

Sorry I haven't updated you all in a while. For the most part things are good. Time is flying in some regards and in others it is standing still. With the economy the way it is our house is a little scared as I am sure all single income families are just like us and feeling the pinch.

Roo is excellent! I feel a lot less rolls now and more kicks, pinches and little movements, we are particularly active from 4-5am, 9-9:30am and 4-6pm and 9-10pm. If I do kick counts during any of those above times Roo passes in under 20 minutes easy and under 10 50% of the time. Sometimes we pass in under 5 minutes! We haven't had an u/s but at last appt we were measuring just fine, so I am not worried. He weighs a little over 2 and a 1/2 pounds maybe as much as 3 pounds now. My family has "big" babies 7.5-8.5 pounders and I would guess that if Roo shows up anytime after X-mas he will be about 8 pounds. My Dr says that is right on track and well within the norm. She sees me having no problem giving birth to even a 9 or 10 pound baby, but I would rather not have to push out a 10 pound bowling ball! I am however happy to hear all of this because R's family keeps commenting on how "big" the baby is. I hate hearing this because their idea of BIG is more than 6 pounds at birth. No offense to mom's with 6 pound babies but that seems SMALL to me, I know it isn't small but it does seem small to me.

As for my health, I am doing well. I want to talk about my emotions in a different post but physically I am doing great. My Dr, R and I are all VERY happy about my weight gain. I have yet to hit the 10 pound mark! WOOO HOOO! I couldn't be prouder of myself about this. I am still walking a lot, but have missed yoga for a while. I NEED to get back on track. I do have heart burn now and need TUMS quite often. My back pain is manageable, which might be the best news of all. I know keeping the weight off is really helping with my back. R also gives me a massage every night and that helps too.

We still have a lot to do before baby gets here. Our nursery accent pieces need to be painted (R's job), hang the shelving and pictures, organize clothing, find out what last minute things we will need. We are also still missing some of the "big" stuff too, like our stroller! R's parents both have said they will get this for us but neither has. In fact neither of them has bought the baby anything, which I must say I find weird and annoying given how generous others have been. I am sure they will eventually but it would be nice to feel a little special since I am giving both of them their first biological grandchild!

That is it for now. I promise to be a better blogger this week.

What a difrence a year makes

About a year ago, I met C. I have blogged about C here and here. Today for the first time since we meet in person a year ago, we saw each other again. I knew OF C long before I actually knew C. She is the SIL of one of R's cousins and is very open about her infertlity, and subsequent adoption. After years of hearing about C, including her pursuit of adoption, we meet face to face at her niece's birthday party last year. I had already known so much about her, but she knew nothing about me. When she asked me about kids, I broke down and cried, and for the rest of the day she stuck by my side, keeping me company and away from R's relatives who don't get it.


Today it was like seeing a friend I hadn't seen since high school only better. C became an email pall after last October and was a person of strength and encouragement in a way only those who have been down the path further than you have can be. Now C is due around Thanksgiving with her second son, the first being from a domestic adoption, to say she never expected to be one of "those" people is an understatement given she went through 10 years of infertility and 2 m/c. She is having a little boy. I had been looking forward to today for weeks not because I was all that thrilled about a 5yr old B-day party but because C would be there. C knew about my pg before most people, about 4 weeks and I knew about her's before her siblings too.

C is one of those people who can say "Isn't God great" and I don't feel like she is talking down to me. Her faith is amazing, honest and real. She is an amazing woman, and mother and her faith inspires me. Today we looked at each other both of us with tears in our eyes and said "What a difference a year makes, God is great" and it was like talking to someone who could see my soul. Today I felt a little tiny stitch mend a part of the hole infertility left, the whole will never mend all the way, but I have learned that is okay and to happy about the stitch. Today I learned the difference a year can make.

Its a .....

BOY!

I am going to have a son! Yes a SON! R and I are both thrilled. I can't wait for baseball and soccer games, tree houses and Boy Scouts and all the other fun things. I will admit that R and I have known it was a BOY since 18w 3d! Yes I have known and kept it a secret. Something no one, not even I thought possible. R had really wanted to find out the gender at 18weeks but I hadn't, and so we compromised. We would find out and not tell a soul. We both did really well too. I only let it slip once and that was at a store I rarely frequent about three towns over. And now everyone knows: I am growing a boy. Well everyone except R's dad and his wife, they don't know because they weren't at the shower and they asked us not to tell them. I know someone in R's family will slip up and tell but I could care less.

Would you like to see some 3d u/s pics? You would. Are you sure???

Warning: Some people say the 3d u/s pics are a little creepy, if you think you might be one of those people DON'T LOOK!
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Okay here they come...
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Baby Shower!

What an amazing day! I have to be one of the luckiest pg women ever to have two best friends who went all out for my baby shower. It was a fantastic day, and I am blown away at the amount of stuff this baby now has!

My friends and family were very generous. Mom particularly went over board. As previously talked about I have been concerned and upset about her participation (or lack there of) in this pg, she defenitly has been making up for it recently and today I was amazed at how much she got me: Petunia Pickle Bottom bag, blankets, 2 boxes of clothing, bottles, nursing stool, the list goes on and on. It is nice to see she is getting as excited about baby as I am.

The other two who went overboard with gifts were Shannon and Holly. The bought me my lamb! I saw it and wanted to run over and hug it. It is the perfect addition to the nursery. They also got me: lamb sleepers, lamb bibs, books, a diaper cake, and some Mustela products. Can you tell they know about my lamb obsession?

I made out like a bandant, that is for sure! Everyone had a great time. Two of my nestie friends came and brought their sons, both of which are IF babies. They were so good, and so well behaved! I hope my little one is like them. R's family came too and while they stuck to socializing together, they still seemed to have a good time. I would say that the party was a success!

I will admit to it being a little weird opening gifts in front of that many people. My bridal shower was so small that this seemed like a lot of people, and a lot of gifts too in comparison. I know I messed up and didn't thank each person after each gift, which is a HUGE blunder on my part. I was trying to but some people went in on gifts and then got me a "little something else" too, so I was going back and forth trying to thank everyone, and being nervous I think I forgot to thank one of R's aunt properly for a gift. Oops!

I had really wanted to say something about how thankful Ryon and I were for this baby and how thankful we are to live in a era where help is available to those who need it to conceive but I chickened out. R isn't ready to come out about our IF even now to his family so I didn't out right say it. HOWEVER a few times I did talk about our clinic, or Dr. H and also just feeling so lucky for the baby. Not sure anyone who didn't know would have caught on but it felt good to have that little reminder for people of "hey this isn't always that easy, for everyone". One of R's cousins is bound to need a little "help" getting pg, she is in a same sex relationship, and hopefully she caught on and thus when the time comes she feels she can turn to us for some support. I hate the idea of her having to go through treatment and that kind of disappointment if it doesn't work at first. If I could have a wish for the world it would be the end of infertility, I hate knowing that while I have "moved on" others are still stuck in the holding pattern of infertility.

Pics in post below!

SHOWER PICS!

The cake:



My Thrown:



Holly, Shannon and I:



My Mom and I:

27 Week Dr Appt

Since nothing ever really happens at these things I figured no need to wait on publishing the last post.... ummm.... WRONG!

I'll start out that baby and I are FINE. So please don't worry too much as you read further.

My blood pressure which my home reader says is about 115/74 most mornings, was 90/60. It amazes me the difference between a machine reading and a person but since I always read a little high on the machine, I know this is normal. My Dr and nurse both commented that my BP is GREAT.

Next is the scale. It is funny how much I hated this pre-pg and now it is one of my favorite parts. I have gained 3 pounds since my last appointment (5 weeks ago), bringing my total weight gain too.... 6 pounds. Feel free to hate me, I know I would. I did a little happy dance in the hall way to my room after getting weighted. I figured it would be a lot more, since consuming large amounts of dairy particularly ice cream for the last three weeks.

I review recent lab work with my Dr. I don't have Gestational Diabetes! Wooo hoooo! At least now I don't have to worry about that anymore, but "the iron pills aren't working and we should increase your dose" my Dr tells me. What Iron pills? I wouldn't know either because this is the first I have heard of needing iron pills. I ask her what is she talking about and she explains that I am anemic and have been since MAY. For the record this is the first I am hearing about this. Mine is mild at the moment but it is getting worse and she tells me I should have been on extra iron since May. While I am grateful to have this info now, I would like to know why I didn't hear about this in say May, or June or July or August. I have had one if not two appointments in each of those months, and no one has ever brought it up. Stupid K.aiser!

But at least now we know. At least now we understand why every three to four days I have a day where I feel like crap, because the high steak diet was keeping me from feeling like crap until I missed a day or two of it. We know why I get dizzy easy and why I have a phat bruise on my arm when I hit the railing on the stairs. I am just pissed because once again people who should be taking care of me and the baby aren't. I can only do so much, if I don't know that I am anemic then how can I fix it? I also feel bad because in June I thought there might be a chance I was anemic since I was craving so much red meat but I blew it off because I was pg and everyone told me it was just a pg craving. Maybe if I had asked the right questions at my next appt about the steak craving my Dr would have caught it. I know it isn't my fault but I am pissed at myself for letting this happen, for not taking the absolute best care of myself. Tonight we are picking up iron supplements, in liquid form to try and avoid extra constipation. I am just so frustrated by my Drs, why is it so hard to get good medical care?????

27 Weeks

Today I am 27 weeks, and I don't quite understand how I got here. No really, where did the time go? How is it that I am now, get this, in the 3rd tri!?! I just can't believe it, I am in the third tri and my baby is healthy alive and thriving. HOLY SHIT! I feel so lucky and blessed it is amazing.

This week R and I realized if I place the remote on my belly that baby will kick it and make it bounce. We spent twenty minutes doing this one night. I sat there and couldn't believe baby is big enough to do that. Dh can't believe it either.

This week I have really enjoyed being pg. I sing to baby everyday now. We sing the same some that my mom used to sing to me called Baby Tree. Baby loves it! It gets him/her to wiggle around. Some days I sing it over and over again just for the movement. I am hoping that by the time baby gets her she/he knows the song and it is calming.

My shower is this weekend! Yes it is a little soon but I didn't want to do it in November due to birthdays and Thanksgiving, and late October didn't work for many reasons plus this gives me plenty of time to finish shopping and setting up. In prep for the baby shower. We are finding out the sex/gender tomorrow. (did you see how slyly I snuck that in?) I will announce here on Monday, if it is a boy or a girl. I am so excited to find out! As a surprise we are telling people at the shower, I can't wait to see how everyone reacts. If you are reading this and coming to the shower PLEASE keep quite about the surprise.

I promised belly pics weeks ago, and am nust now getting two them.
This is me with Shannon and Holly, two of my BFFs. They are amazing and throwing me my shower. This is from 25w2d pg after we worked on the nursery. I promise to do nursery pics soon (as in in a few weeks):


This one is last Friday at 26 weeks:

"I love you"

There are days I don't appreciate my husband enough, in fact there are many days this happens. But not today. Today I re-picked up my book about working vs Stay at home moms. It is a collection of short stories, perfect for me who can get side tracked with something ever ten minutes. R and I lied in bed today, him on his computer, me in my book and just hung out. The book is really helping me pin point how R and I are going to do the whole working vs STA thing, in truth like the majority of moms I will be neither for now but that is a very different post.

So I am reading one of the stories and the writer talks about a conversation she has with her husband when their child is months old. He asks her "what would you do if something happened to our child and you weren't here" Her response is what mine would be basically she would deal with the situation, and he tells her he would never forgive her.

I looked at those words in the book and was immediately grateful for my husband. He will never expect me to give up the part of me that loves work, that loves school. He is 100% committed to being my partner and a 50/50 person in this relationship. He could never uter those words "never forgive you" for something not my fault, for something not in my control. And he wouldn't play that kind of mind game with me ever. Today I appreciate my partner, and am thankful for him. There is no one I would rather go down this road of parenthood and life with than him. R, I love you.

A few favorite things

I had been planning a few f my favorite things list of baby items for a while. And after everyone's comments about my last post it seems like a good idea. In my defense I don't feel all doom and gloom all the time. I am excited and thrilled about being pg. Watching my belly move, which just started this week, has been amazing. Tonight R saw it move and his face lit up. He normally hides his emotions so this was a big joy for me. I can't believe the baby can make my belly move! How cool is that!?!

I am trying to enjoy each and every moment of this, I know it isn't going to last much longer and while we want more kids I am trying to live each day in the moment and enjoy it.

With that said here are a few of my favorite baby things:

Our nursary is done in a lamb theme due to my massive obsession with lambs. I think this makes a perfect addition, but R thinks it is ridiculous. Thankfully I have it on good athority I am getting it as a gift!




One thing I could never get DH on board with was a bugaboo stroller. Money was a sticking point for him and I understand that since they cost about 1,000 dollars once you get everything. In our family that is too much money for a stroller. After hours of research I found a stroller that is: more compact, folds easier, and is lighter plus costs less and has the same perks of the bugaboo. And while not a 'cheap' stroller at under 400 dollars it is much more reasonable. Introducing the Bumbleride Flyer:







If you plan on CD (cloth diapering) a must have is a stash of Bum Genius 3.0 They fit like a dream, have great obsorbancy, and grow with your child from 10 pounds to 35. I have 6 so far but am hoping to have 15 by the time the little one comes! At 18.95 a piece plus tax they aren't cheap! Thankfully since they grow with your child R has allowed this splurge.





And last but not least what lamb nursary would be complete without a sleep sheep. This little guy plays diffrent sounds to act as black noise to sooth and calm baby. And it is REALLY cute too! My friend and fellow blogger Ava bought it for me and it looks very cute in the crib.

99 Days!

99 Days till my EDD. Not that this baby will be coming on January 1st, I still think I will go late but it is fun to think that in 99 days I could be a mom.

There are still days I have my worries, not about being a good parent but about having a healthy live baby. All the pg books talk about how now it should be getting real for me that I am going to have a baby and that I am going to be a parent. That it is normal to feel overwhelmed at that prospect, but I don't feel that way. I feel grateful for what has been given to me and scared it will be taken away. I don't worry about 3 am feedings or getting a date night with R. I am not worried about breastfeeding, or sleep issues, or colic. I can handle those things, I have a husband who is going to be a great parent, a mom who lives 2 miles away and can be here in 10 minutes if I need her, I have two good friends who are honorary Aunties and I know they will help me out if I need it, I have years as a nanny and a degree in child development. I should be able to handle the challenges of being a parent to a healthy newborn. People with much less have done it and been good parents so why wouldn't I be able to?

My worries revolve around fetal death and more recently infant death from things like SIDS. I found myself jealous the other day of a blogger whose son is home on a heart monitor, until I realized how LUCKY I would be to have a child who didn't need it. These aren't "normal" worries and I know it. My pg friends and nesties aren't concerned with these issues. The thought of fetal death hasn't crossed their mind until I have brought it up. It isn't that I think of these things a lot but sometimes I worry I think about them too much. Enough so that I am not enjoying this pg the way I should.

But I am enjoying it more and more now. Baby kicks all the time, and responds with movement when I talk to him/her in the am. We spend out mornings in the baby room eating breakfast in the rocker because I love being in there so much. I feel so blessed and lucky to be pg, to be healthy, to be having a healthy child. I am enjoying it, and I want to treasure the next 99 days. I want to hold onto the good parts of them and savor the moments of joy. As worried as I might be at times I am looking forward to being a mom. I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms, to watch his/her chest rise and fall with each breath, to watch my husband cry at the sight of our newborn. I am so excited for those moments! 99 more days...

OMG I agre with a conservitive!

This rarely happens to me but today I came across an article written by a conservative and I actually agree with him, rather than "I see your point but disagree" which is normally what happens.

Here is the article:
http://www.dmagazine.com/ME2/dirmod.asp?nm=Core+Pages&type=gen&mod=Core+Pages&tier=3&gid=B33A5C6E2CF04C9596A3EF81822D9F8E

25 Weeks!

I am 25 weeks today. Not much new going on with me and baby, both of us are doing fine. I am getting big enough that somethings are getting hard to do, things like tying my shoes. I however am not complaining, the baby kicks make up for it big time.

This weekend R and I have a lot planned: a date night, Bradley class, a MOM (mom of multiple) Garage Sale, Art and Wine Festival in my 'home town', SF friends coming over Sunday to help set up the nursery and for dinner.

Woman of little Patience

I have little patience right now for my family, particularly my sister. She and her husband can't seem to get their act together unless everything is handed to them. I have said the words "I am done" many times in regards to them but I just can't ever tell them no. My sister and her husband refuse to put the kids in day care so that they can both work, but they can't make ends meet without both of them working. It is frustrating and once again I am running out of patience.

Today's Kicker:

My mom has her yearly vacation planned to start in a week but my sister's new training begins this week, and her hubby is still working his job thus my mom is taking care of the kids. My sister is expecting my mom to come home from vacation early so Mom can watch the kids and sis can work. Ummmm Anyone other than me think this is F.u.c.k.e.d up?

My mom is letting them live at her house no rent, no utilities and they still don't have enough money to pay their whole food bill so she helps out when they need it. She baby sits (and so do I) for free. She helps with the kids all day and night. The four year old sleeps in her bed so that my sis and her hubby can have their own room. It has gone beyond obsured at this point and yet nothing will change. I can tell my mom over and over again that letting them use her like this is crazy and that she is going to hurt herself working this hard (she is disabled already) but it doesn't change.

At some point I am going to have to say "I won't do this anymore" and that time is quickly approching, but for now I am stuck between helping out and hating myself for it or not helping out and feeling awful for letting down my family, and both choices blow.

Recycle

Most people when they hear this word think plastic or glass bottles and paper but recently it has taken on a new meaning for me. Recently I have begun applying it to... surprise, surprise... baby items!

I have always thought children use things for way to short a time too buy new 'stuff' for each baby that comes into the world. My sister had three swings between her two kids at her house and for me that sounds crazy, even crazier given the size of our apartment. After two kids she has a plethora of "stuff" some of which she has given away but most of which sits up in storage above my mom's garage. My sis has been great about giving me some stuff, a boppy, a swing (although the crappiest of the three she has), a bouncer, a play mat and a few boxes of baby clothing not to mention a hell of a lot of maternity clothing. I am very thankful that I get to recycle these things for my child rather than them ending up in a land fill, and it means I don't have to spend money to buy them either. Other people in my family are horrified, put simply, all of R's family can't believe I don't want "new" stuff for my first baby.

The idea of receiving used gifts horrifies them and they can't believe that one of my favorite baby shops is a containment store. I will admit there are a few things where used will not do, the car seat and extra base but other than that I don't mind used. I have tried reasoning with them that it is a great way to shop on a budget given my 2nd favorite store is Gymboree. The money I save at the consignment store goes toward something new at Gymboree but they still can't wrap there heads around the idea that recycling is better than new. Isn't that sad? Now I love our consumerism society as much as the next 20 something girl but resources are running out. And contrary to what was shoved into my brain by TV and friends as a teen, lots of stuff doesn't equal happiness.

Yes I L>O>V>E my 'new' Petunia Pickle Bottom Diaper bag! I love that it matches my stroller and that it holds 3 bottles at a time BUT what I love most about it is that I found it for 50$ in excellent used condition. More than I love the bag I love the extra 100 bucks sitting in my bank account because I found it used. I got what I want, didn't make R gasp at the price tag AND that bag didn't end up in the trash. WIN WIN WIN! How can you argue with that?

I understand this isn't everyone's cup of tea and it does take some getting used to but try it and you might be surprised. I like carrying my heavy wallet in my new bag and I think you might like that feeling too.

My Birth "plan"

Since my post about going med-free got so many responses about being open to change or things not going as planned I thought you all deserved an update.

For those of you who don't know Bradley classes are 2.5 hours long once a week for 12 weeks, yes 12 weeks. In those 12 weeks we cover everything from nutrition to stages of birth to labor techniques to info on interventions (pitocin, water bag breaking, all the way to c-section).

I have had three classes so far and already am amazed at how little I will be able to "plan" surrounding the birth of my baby. I am realizing that birth is going to a lot like parenting will be. Both of them will be like playing a hard card game: you can chose how to play the cards you are dealt, but you don't get to chose the cards, AND every 5 seconds a stretching BEEP is going to go off in your head to ruin your concentration. In the case of labor you are also going to be an emotional mess.

To be honest it doesn't sound like much fun, and a csection does sound a hell of a lot easier BUT I also know my body was meant to do this. Generations of women have done this before me and I look forward to pushing my body to the edge of it's limit and seeing what I am capable off. Of course the moment my baby is in trouble we will do what ever necessary to have a healthy baby. I always feel like that goes without saying. I would NEVER NEVER do anything harmful to this baby, but isn't that also why I don't want the interventions.

What I don't think my last post on the subject conveyed to my readers is that I am well aware of both sides of this debate over natural births. I am well aware that we have interventions to save lives of both the mother and the child, and I am also aware that those interventions are at times used for convince rather than medical necessity. This is why I think education about labor and interventions is so important. I would never expect to learn the same amount of info in 12 weeks of class than a Dr does in school, residency and possibly years on the job. But I also would never receive any treatment by a Dr without research first. In labor there will be no time for research, and so the research must begin now.

For me empowerment = education and I want to feel empowered by the birth of my child. I don't want to be scared during labor and delivery, I want to know what is going on, to know what is happening inside me and outside of me. If I am all drugged up how will I hear what my body is telling me is going on? I need to be as aware as possible during it so that I can focus on what needs to happen.

I am looking forward to preparing a birth plan that will fly out the window the moment the roller coaster takes off. I look forward to the roller coaster and that when the ride stops my life will have forever changed and I will be a mom.

Today is....

VIABILITY DAY!

Today is the first day that if I went into labor and had to deliver my Drs would do everything in their power to save baby. ((((sigh))))) I am so happy this day is here.

That said baby is under strict orders to stay inside and grow and grow and grow for another 14 weeks. Mommy wants a healthy full term live baby! Amazingly I feel fairly good about actually making it to full term, it no longer seems like a pipe dream with little chance of happening. Of course I am still nervous about it all. I worry like any mother-to-be does who has an anxiety disorder and knows the risks and complications that can occur even in "normal" healthy women, which I guess is to say I worry a lot.

I am reminded today of my sister's first pg. I remember like it was yesterday her getting to 24 weeks and me being so excited about the baby being viable. She was high risk from the start and prior to conception they gave her a 25% chance of her losing the baby at any time in pg. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday me congratulating her on making it to such an important day and her dashing my hopes saying that she wouldn't want them to perform life saving measures on my nephew at this point. I was devastated! I had no idea how she and her partner could make a choice like that. But now I more fully understand. It is not the choice R and I would make, but it is one we understand.

The last 24 weeks have been wonderful and I am really looking forward to what else pg brings. I am truly enjoying it, even with the nervous moments and anxiously awaiting today. I promise to make R take a belly pic tonight so I can share it with you guys. My belly is more round now and everyone who guesses gender thinks it is a girl. Other than that nothing new to report, so happy viability day my baby! May you have many many more healthy weeks inside me.

6 Random things about.....

R!

I have been tagged to do 6 random things about me but instead want to do them about R. I figure given how many times I have been tagged in the past it would be cool with kid for a kid if I did it about him.

6 Random things about R:

1) R is the youngest. He has an older brother and an older step-sister, who his dad then adopted as an adult.

2) Each of R's parents, step parents and such have been married THREE times! I find that so weird and very scary. We are very much hoping to break that trend.

3)R works for a company just about all of you have heard of, and he does IT admin for them. In other words his job is to make the computers talk to each other. He loves it and hates it but he is good at it.

4) R comes from a military background, his dad served as did his grandfather and uncles and so did R during the Clinton Era, although he was still "in" the military during 9-11 and Afghanistan he was never called (thank god). He got out a month into our relationship and I am thankful he won't be returning to that life even though I know at times he misses it.

5) R has no sense of rhythm, he is a white boy who can't dance. We joke about it all the time. Yet as bad of a dancer as he is, I love to slow dance with him.

6) He hates my blogging. He doesn't understand my need to share our life with the world and he worries a lot about the info I post on here. He would never tell me to stop it though


Oh but wait I have been tagged by Littly Moneky too. But there is an issue with that. Little Money: I can't find your blog. I don't know what kind of tag we are playing; is it a meme or 6 random things or something else? For now I am going to assume it is a 6 random things. If it isn't please let me know and I will join what ever kind of tag it is.

6 Random things about my average day:

1) I try and go through all my blogs at least once to see if there are any new posts. I don't believe in google reader since it doesn't pick up on blogs that are password protected.

2)I drink 2 -4 glasses of milk a day. I love it! It is good for baby and since it is non-fat it isn't too bad for me either.

3) I call R at work almost as soon as I am up. I just started this recently and so far we both really like it. It gives us a chance to connect in the am since he is often (always) gone before I get up.

4) Kegals, squats, tailor sitting, and pelvic rocking are daily exercises for me, and come highly recommended by Dr. Bradley for a healthy pg and a healthy birth.

5)Work on the soon to be baby room which was once a junk room. I am actually starting to make some real progress in there. A huge feat considering R won't help me at all. He says he will help but we have been living here for over a year and he only goes in there to open the window to vent the house or for food or litter for the girls.

6) A nap! Most days this just means 30 minutes in bed relaxing by reading or loving a cat, but yesterday I slept in till 9 am went back to sleep at 11am, woke up at 2pm was back in bed at 4 and got up at 5:30. I feel great today and think my body just really needed the rest.

Now as for who I am tagging:
Awaiting Baby
Beth and Brian
Echloe
Amy
Mary

Marraige

Earlier this year things were not very good with R. It wasn't that our relationship was in shambles. We have always loved and adored each other, but our communication wasn't great and both of us felt like we were always stuck between a hard place and a rock. In February, March and some of April we took a communication class through our insurance. It was possibly the best 200 dollars we ever spent. We learned a lot not just about ourselves, but about communication, what is important in a relationship and about what we both need as a couple to feel secure and safe.

We worked on talking and listening to each other about money, family, infertility, and so much more. Remember the post where I talked about having to chose between R and my mom? I can confidently say that now I will never have to make that choice. All three of us have worked really hard to make boundaries and a support system for everyone, so that we are all working together. So much has changed from then I hardly recognize the snuggly couple we have become, or rather reverted back to, since we were like this at the beginning of the relationship too.

We both understand that there are bumps in our path of life, and relationship but the way we view and handle the bumps is more of a team effort. We both feel a lot less stressed because we handle issues together. It is a huge change from the couple we once were.

This isn't to say we don't argue about things or occasionally fight but for the most part we are able to handle our disagreements through open communication, no tears, no screaming/yelling, and at the end we both feel as though we have "won". I always thought compromise had to be about giving in. Now I have learned that it is about seeing "winning" as what is best for us both, not just me.

All around me I am watching couples I love struggle, they fight over the stupid things, or don't talk at all or even agree on doing something one way and then do it the way "they" wanted instead. It is heartbreaking to watch, knowing that just 6 months ago we were in the same place, knowing how much better things can be with just 200 dollars spent on a 10 week course and a lot of effort.

Marriage is hard work, and sometimes it does suck but it doesn't have to. Some good skills can make it suck a lot less. So if you are reading this and have been thinking about talking to your partner about a communication class, stop thinking about it and do it. It doesn't cure the issues but it will give you the tools to do so.

Weeks 22 and 23

Not sure if anyone noticed but I never posted last week baby update. I wrote it, and then forgot to post it. So today you are getting both. No belly pics though, since you got lots of pics earlier in the week but I do promise some for next week. I feel like I am changing a lot now and need to track the growth so keeping you guys up to date will be a good excuse.

22 Weeks

This weekend R felt the baby kick! Sunday am he put his hand on my belly to say good morning and baby let out a BIG kick! R had felt a flutter or two last week but he kept asking if I was sure that was the baby. This time he knew it was!

I have always disliked maternity stores, some how even now I feel like I still don't belong there. Yes I am 21 weeks pg or about 5 months along BUT I don't feel "big" enough yet to belong. R has to convince me I do before we go in, he still has to tell me we can leave at any time. On Sunday I was hoping to buy a new pair of capries, the sales lady was acting all helpful until I mentioned my growing bump then she tells me "just wait till you are 4 or 5 months along and you will really pop!" My reaction "I am 21 weeks!” I hate being told I look small, it is almost worse than being told I look big. So save yourself the trouble and just tell me I look great. In fact I think that advice works for when talking to all pg ladies.

This week has also marked my body in a new way. I am receiving my first few pg stretch marks. I have some from before so I don’t think they are too awful and with time they will fade. I knew I was bound to get them, genetically I was destined for them.

There was a heat wave this week. The pool became my new best friend, sorry Shan. I got in it a few times just to cool off and try and beat the heat a little. My legs still look ghostly white even though it is about to be September, but at least they didn’t burn this year, yet.

I talked to my Dr about my blood pressure because it is easily changed by my salt intake and always has been. We decided no more French Fries, and that I need to watch my salt intake. He didn’t give me a range to stay under which is nice in a way, it means I don’t have to obsess about it. It was the only thing he said I need to be concerned about so far. I knew this would be a concern for my Dr. Luckily I have a home blood pressure monitor and can take it daily. On average it has been 90/54, which is really really good! He also said that no matter what my blood pressure does no traveling more than an hour away after Thanksgiving, or even for Thanksgiving. Thank GOD Shannon and Holly live 55 minutes away!!! I think I would die if I couldn’t go visit them! This won’t get me out of Thanksgiving or Christmas with the in-laws, sadly.



23 Weeks

Just one more week to viability! I am still quite nervous about making it to viability and then making it to the point where little one has a good chance of meaningful survival (around 28 weeks). I am still saying things like “If we make it full term” even though my Dr sees no reason I won’t make it to full term. I still feel like I have the ability to jinx this, as if admitting that we might get a live healthy newborn out loud, or even just on this blog, makes it more likely for the higher powers-that-be to snatch it away. I recognize that this isn’t healthy but I still feel this way at times. Much less than before but still the feeling is there at times


I am back to having nightmares again. They all end with dead babies in my arms, this is probably the reason I am so on edge about viability. Last night I had a particularly horrible one, when R got up, about an hour before I normally do, I made him get me the doppler so I could use it. I found baby right away and then quickly went back to sleep.

I have finally started on the nursery! This week I went through my 2nd closet the one I will need to give up for the baby and took out anything I hadn’t worn in a year. Would you believe that is two boxes worth of clothing!?! We still have a lot to do but we have a plan now. My desk is coming out into the living room and his table of crap is going into storage. My scrap booking stuff is going into the closet, on the left side where there won’t be much baby clothing. This should make the room quite empty, or at least empty enough to paint!

Bradley Method as a recovery from IF

A fellow nestie asked me about the HSG today. I went though my blog and found the post about it to send her the link. I read it and just wanted to weep. It seems so long ago and yet so close. As I read the post for the first time maybe since writing it, I could remember the highway we got lost on, remember feeling sick, and the cherry blossoms on the trees. The emotions of IF never leave me, they are always there under the surface, ready to burst out when I least expect them to.

Tomorrow is our first Bradley birth class and while I feel prepared for the class, a part of me can't believe it is time to take it. I have always wanted a med free birth, the not med free conception didn't change that, but it has changed they way I look at birth a lot. A drug free birth has always been a little about proving I could do it, that has increased since IF. I want my body to do this so bad so that I can regain faith in it. It is like I NEED my body to give vaginal unassisted birth to a healthy baby in order to survive. I feel that strongly about it now. Why is so hard to explain but I will try.

Before infertility I could do anything if I tried and worked hard enough. Getting pg on my own was my first adult failure. I don't like failure and more so I didn't like not being able to control my body. My mom jokes at times that the reason the meds worked was because I was finally some what in control and thus more "relaxed". I don't think she remembers how stressed I was that cycle. Her surgery being the day of my IUI, I think she is a little hazy on the details.

I know I can't control giving birth, just like I couldn't control getting pregnant, and thus it becomes even more important in my mind for things to go the way I have "planned" them. I am sure God is looking down on me laughing at the moment, him not being a fan of us planning things he is more in control of than us. But I like to think he will give me this, that he says "things will go the way they are meant to be in your birth but if you lean on me, get strength from me, then you will have the birth you want".

And so tomorrow we take a class to help us gather our strength in preparation of birth, and to class I will be taking my strength and faith but I will also be gathering up the emotions infertility has left me with: the pain, the self doubt and the fear, that any second it might all be gone. I would love to rid myself of all those emotions, of the pain so close I feel like the HSG was just yesterday, but I know those emotions will never be gone. My hope is that I will be able to use the emotions of fear to my advantage and that would be a big step.

Highs and Lows of Wedding Weekend

There is a 'full' wedding recap below this post (including a belly pic!), this one is just the highs and lows. Lets start with a little Awing, then do a two vents then Aw again. Sound good? Then lets go...

First AW:

I took a bunch of great photos this weekend. I played with the settings on my C.a.nn.o.n P.ower.sh.ot and got some nice shots. Nothing like "professional" ones but pretty good for me. Here are a few of my favorites:





The little girl in the last one was a flower girl, she is also R's cousins oldest. Isn't she CUTE!?!

Now my first vent:

I haven't had much experience with unwanted belly touching till this weekend. Sure R touches my belly and so do my friends but they all have fairly open invitations to do so. Other people I prefer ask and I ALWAYS say yes. I just like to be prepared that my body is about to be touched, seems like a reasonable request to me but R's mom, G disagrees. She gave me a big hug and proceeded to rub the belly. I very nicely asked her to please ask before touching my belly and she says to my belly "Can Grandma give you a rub, yes she can any time she wants." Ryon nicely stepped in and said "mom she means you need to ask HER". G didn't listen but it was the first time in a long time R has stood up to a parent in my defense. It felt nice. She continued to try and rub my belly without asking all weekend, but each time she did so without asking I simply moved out of reach. By the last day she had gotten the idea and finally asked before rubbing. Who says and old dog can't learn new tricks?

Vent Two:

Since we were staying in a separate hotel all weekend it was easy to avoid most family before the wedding, including R's dad, P. I even lucked out and was able to passively ignore him almost the whole wedding, until he approached me (R said hello to him right after the reception). It felt good to make him come to me. We chatted for a second I told him what a beautiful wedding it was, how happy we were for the couple and did NOT mention the u/s pics in my purse, he had seen me showing a few people but R and I were admit that he should ask to see them. The he finally brought it up, the baby, that is. The baby which he still hasn't congratulated me for. He told R and I he didn't want to know the gender. i said that was fine for now, since we don't know either, but that we did plan on finding out and then announcing gender at the shower. He asked us not too, something I don't feel is his place, but R and I simply said we would do what we could to keep him from finding out but that shower participants would be finding out.

R and I agree that he did this as a way to try and control the situation. He can't control that we are pregnant or what month the baby is born or even gender, so he is going to try to control when he finds out the gender. Fine by me but that doesn't mean I am not telling other family and friends! Since R convinced me one big shower would be better than two tiny ones, his family is invited to "my" shower. This means his family will find out with mine what we are having, something I am excited about doing! So P will just have to find a way to keep his ears from hearing the gender news from October 5th (shower day) till the baby comes some time around Jan 1st 2009. R and I agree we can keep the secret and not let it slip in front of him, can the rest of the family? I don't know but I refuse to keep the gender a secret from everyone simply because Grandpa, who isn't happy about baby in the first place, doesn't want to know gender till birth!

My Aw:

I may have the best partner on EARTH! He was great this weekend. Stood up to his mom, saw that his dad was trying to be in control, kept certain "people" as far away from me as he could and was supportive the whole weekend. I love that man!

Wedding Re-cap

Would you believe it if I told you that I had a wonderful time? Cause if you had told me last week or even a month ago that I would have a good time this weekend I would have laughed at you. But it is TRUE! R and I both had a good time. Sure there were a few things I would like to have changed but over all we had a really nice time.

However, I can honestly say that our good fortune of having a wonderful time was mostly because we stayed in a different part of campus than the rest of the family. While R's family (around 50 of them) shared 2 floors of dorm rooms with a three block walk up hill for breakfast every morning. We stayed a mile away in a lovely on campus hotel, with a business center (including wifi access), amazing Continental breakfast just down the hall of our room, our own parking garage with free parking (other wedding guests paid 9 dollars a day for parking) and best of all a QUEEN bed with a TV in the room plus a large bathroom. I was so thankful R and I "splurged" on the campus hotel rooms at 15 dollars extra a night! When comparing living situations most people agreed had they know about the campus hotel they would have preferred to stay there. Not having to be around family, except for Pop, and a quite place to rest saved us hours of bickering as a couple.

Our drive down and back with Pop was very nice. They both took great care of me and Pop took us out dinner on the way home Sunday night. We went to a really nice steak house; steak being one of my favorite foods this pregnancy. I rarely order steak in a restaurant just because of expense but Pop insisted and it was very, very good. We spent most of our time with him over the three day, but it was nice and when he or I needed space or was tired we just said we were ready to go back to the hotel. Is it wired that the person in R's family I like best (other than R) is someone he has no blood or legal relationship too?

The wedding itself was beautiful! Everything went great and the ceremony was preformed by the same family friend who did ours. I cried during it. R and I haven't been to a wedding since our own and so it brought back so many memories for both of us. The vows included a part about children and I said a little prayer that these two don't face any infertility or pg loss issues. I know they will make great parents and I hate the fact that there is no way to know if they will be one of the one in eight. At the end of the ceremony they were pronounced husband and wife and then presented for the first time as Mr and Mrs. hisfirstname hismiddlename hislastname. I have to admit R and I both looked at each other and exchanged sympathetic glances. We just aren't big fans of the whole Mr and Mrs thing as you all know. It isn't that she took his last name but that she is now Mrs. hisfirst hismiddle hislastname, as if who she is and was no longer exists after the exchanging of rings. I am sure most other people don't even notice things like that, but I also know, I am not the only feminist this bugs. The reception was great, R and I danced a few dances, we chatted with family, and enjoyed the whole night.

For those of you wondering how many belly rubs I got without asking the total is above 6! I actually couldn't believe it but it seems R's family really doesn't have any personal boundaries sometimes. His mom was the biggest offender of all rubbing my belly without asking even after I asked her to please ask first.

So that is the low down. Next post will be on the highs and lows of the weekend. I need to do a little venting and some AWing as well. Let me leave you with a belly pic, here is R and I with the bride, my new SIL!

Wedding Weekend!

This weekend my BIL is getting married and while I am thrilled to be getting a SIL I love, R and I are finding the weekend to be more stressful than relaxing. We will be in the same hotel all weekend with both sides of R's family. There are more than a few members of this family that drive us both up the walls. My plan is to stay in my hotel room and avoid everyone as much as possible, without being anti social. If you could send us some safe traveling thoughts and happy drama free family thoughts too we will take them all! Both of us are going to need a ton of help getting through this weekend. Thanks for all the support!

Also to the right there is a new poll just for this weekend. My question is how many people try to rub the belly without asking. So far no one has done this, not even a stranger! But I have a feeling I won't get through the weekend without it happening.

Happy Birthday Julian!

Four years ago today I became an Auntie, and with the new title my heart expanded to love more than I had previously thought possible. Years as a nanny didn't prepare me for loving you the way I do. Your little body, with long fingers and toes was the most precious thing I had ever held. I knew right then I would walk to the end of the Earth for you.

You have grown so much in the last 4 years. Your personality has developed into a child who loves gross motor activities, and could spend hours at the park on your bike, scooter, or just running around. You are outgoing and a good friend always trying to be kind to others. Your not a great sharer but we are working on that. You have become a good big brother, keeping your sister safe as you walk with her down the sidewalk. I am very proud of the boy you have become.

Happy Birthday Julian!

MIL saves the day!

Yesterday I was emotionally all over the place. One moment I would be fine and the next I would feel like crying. I wasn't depressed, I was hormonal! At the root of all those hormones: family issues. We have a lot of them these days but this time it is about my mom. My mom and I are very close and I thought this pg would make us closer. I naively hoped that she would be as excited about this pg as she was my sister's two. But that hasn't happen, she is excited but not in the way she was with my sister's pregnancy. That has left me feeling kinda sad some days. It is hard to feel like you and your hubby are the only ones truly excited about the baby. I shed a few tears over the mom thing and then my MIL calls. My MIL and I don't exactly see eye to eye on most things but she is THRILLED I am knocked up and she is going to be a grandma. Our conversation was so nice and at the end she told me "I am more excited about see you than the wedding or seeing my sons". We got off the phone and I cried, again not depressed tears but tears of emotion. There is someone out there possibly even more excited than me about this baby! That means the world to me.

What would you do diffrently?

Production not Reproduction, who happens to be one of my favorite open adoption bloggers ended her last post with this "I wonder how many of us would make different choices were we able to start over knowing what we know now."

I have really tried to make myself available for anyone who is about to undergo IF treatment. I have wrote down my name number and email address for anyone who wants to know more about my clinic, Femara, testing or anything I might have a fleck of knowledge about. Because if I had to do it over again, I would have made better choices. I don't regret my clinic choice, or treatment path at all. But I regret the way I handled things before I left K.aiser in search of a good RE. Yes K.aiser screwed me over and hung me out to dry when it came to my HSG and blood work at times but I could have handled it better, and it is my fault for letting them drag me through all of that before leaving for RSC. If I hadn't been so concerned about cost of treatment and testing I could have had far less stress. That is my main regret.

The second it more complicated. I have spoken here a little about my anxiety and depression, but I haven't been 100% honest. Mostly that is because some of you know me IRL, or from nest GTG, and there is a BIG stigma around mental illness. The truth is I should have been medicated in January and February maybe even all of last year. I should have been seeing someone about the depression and I didn't. I knew I needed it and I didn't say a word. THAT is both scary and very hard to admit.

I have major concerns about the coming months. Mostly what will January and February bring? Post-partum depression is almost guarantied for me, and yet if my family and friends missed all the warning signs last time, what makes me think they won't miss it again?

Those are what I would do over if forced to re-do those months, seek treatment earlier both from and RE and a therapist. Of course I don't want to re-do those months. I am happy having ended up here. I love this baby, love being pg, and love having a due date of January 1st. I wouldn't give it up, not for the world. But I do hope that writing this out will help me remember to ask for help sooner in the future. I don't want to go back to the dark side of depression, this baby deserves better than that.

A wise person learns from the mistakes of others, a smart person learns from their own mistakes, and the stupid don't learn at all.

I hope that by being open I help others to be wise, and help myself to be smart.

Send her your love

Today is Busted's Beta Day. As I do all my IVF friends, I have anxiously awaited her beta day for two weeks, sending her implantation vibes and sticky dust. Until late last night when I saw she shyly announced it would be negative on a chat board I frequent, I am assuing this means she tested early. As many of you know my home pg test was negitive the day before my beta too, but it is very rare for that to happen. I am still hopeful for Busted to get her miracle this cycle but I am also realistic. No matter what the results could you go over and give her some love. She needs it, 2008 has been an awful year for her.

21 Weeks

How is it that another week has passed already? I mean really where is the time going, because it is flying by me.

I feel baby move all the time now. It is my favorite thing to do in fact. As much as I had idolized pg, I expected to be let down and yet it is a billion times better than I thought it would be! I really do LOVE being pg! My 'girls" don't hurt anymore thanks to some new bras, although in another month or two I might need a size up. They are HUGE now!

In other boob news, I am producing milk! Just leftie so far but holy shit M.I.L.K! I couldn't believe it when I saw it but it is true. I am very hopeful that this means I will be able to breastfeed since that is something I really want to do. Our goal if for formula to never touch the baby's lips and for them to go from BM to cows milk. It is a lofty goal but I really want to do it. I think it is important from a developmental stand point and from a bonding stand point. Since I don't really believe in nipple confusion, baby will be getting bottles but they will be of breastmilk, that way Daddy can bond too.

I took my first prenetal Yoga class and it kicked my butt. I am still sore the day after but it is a good sore. I have it agian tomorrow and am not going to try as hard as I did last class. If anyone has a recomindation for a Prenatel yoga DVD let me know, I would love to be able to do some at home too.

No real aches or pains at the momment, just a growing belly and baby. Here is what is happening with Baby according to babyfit: "Your baby weighs over 10 ounces (.28 kg) and is slightly longer than 7 inches (17 cm), which is about the size of a large banana—but what a personality! The rapid growth phase has slowed, but organs and other body systems continue to mature. The swallowing reflex is in full swing and your baby will begin to "drink" amniotic fluid, which helps his digestive system to develop. Your baby's oil glands are also starting to produce a waxy substance known as the vernix caseosa, which soothes and protects his skin in the amniotic fluid. And the buds for permanent teeth are forming! No smile yet, but that'll happen sooner than you think!"