A fellow nestie asked me about the HSG today. I went though my blog and found the post about it to send her the link. I read it and just wanted to weep. It seems so long ago and yet so close. As I read the post for the first time maybe since writing it, I could remember the highway we got lost on, remember feeling sick, and the cherry blossoms on the trees. The emotions of IF never leave me, they are always there under the surface, ready to burst out when I least expect them to.
Tomorrow is our first Bradley birth class and while I feel prepared for the class, a part of me can't believe it is time to take it. I have always wanted a med free birth, the not med free conception didn't change that, but it has changed they way I look at birth a lot. A drug free birth has always been a little about proving I could do it, that has increased since IF. I want my body to do this so bad so that I can regain faith in it. It is like I NEED my body to give vaginal unassisted birth to a healthy baby in order to survive. I feel that strongly about it now. Why is so hard to explain but I will try.
Before infertility I could do anything if I tried and worked hard enough. Getting pg on my own was my first adult failure. I don't like failure and more so I didn't like not being able to control my body. My mom jokes at times that the reason the meds worked was because I was finally some what in control and thus more "relaxed". I don't think she remembers how stressed I was that cycle. Her surgery being the day of my IUI, I think she is a little hazy on the details.
I know I can't control giving birth, just like I couldn't control getting pregnant, and thus it becomes even more important in my mind for things to go the way I have "planned" them. I am sure God is looking down on me laughing at the moment, him not being a fan of us planning things he is more in control of than us. But I like to think he will give me this, that he says "things will go the way they are meant to be in your birth but if you lean on me, get strength from me, then you will have the birth you want".
And so tomorrow we take a class to help us gather our strength in preparation of birth, and to class I will be taking my strength and faith but I will also be gathering up the emotions infertility has left me with: the pain, the self doubt and the fear, that any second it might all be gone. I would love to rid myself of all those emotions, of the pain so close I feel like the HSG was just yesterday, but I know those emotions will never be gone. My hope is that I will be able to use the emotions of fear to my advantage and that would be a big step.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
I can understand not having control... I hate that IF has taken all my control away. for me too IF has ben my first adult failure.
just don't hold on too tightly to your plans..a healthy baby is the most important thing..not how they enter this world..take your class plan away..just don't be dissappointed if it doesn't turn out your way..again..a healthy baby at the end of all the labor is the MOST important thing..
I'm definitely a control person, but surprisingly I'm not being that "controlling" this cycle (probably because I know it won't make a dang difference).
I just keep praying that all goes according to "my" plan (i.e. pregnant), and that if it doesn't God is there.
I really want my birth to go as planned too, but I'm trying to tell myself to keep an open mind. I don't want to feel devastated if I things go differently. But I also feel like I'm entitled to give birth how I want, since I wasn't able to get pregnant how I want!
I hope you have a fun and educational night at your Bradley class. I would go into labor with an open mind, just in case you change your mind, like others said - a healthy baby is the most important thing. : )
I am so happy to read you are taking the Bradley classes, I really loved them! I too wanted to prove that my body could do something right. Unfortunately Kacey had other plans and just didn't want to come out. Try to make sure you are open to all the possibilities. I hope very much that you are able to do a med free birth, the classes will help you be prepared for it!!!
Good luck and hope everything works out just the way you want. If anything else happens, don't be too hard on yourself or get upset or feel like a failure.
I do get it though, my IF journey is very similar to yours. I hope for a natural birth too, don't know if I will say no to epidural. Too chicken :-)
I hope you learn a lot in your class. I'm sure that when it is my turn I'll just take the epidural. I'm not one for pain. And I already don't believe that my body is capable of doing anything right. Hopefully it will work out as you've planned.
Post a Comment