99 Days till my EDD. Not that this baby will be coming on January 1st, I still think I will go late but it is fun to think that in 99 days I could be a mom.
There are still days I have my worries, not about being a good parent but about having a healthy live baby. All the pg books talk about how now it should be getting real for me that I am going to have a baby and that I am going to be a parent. That it is normal to feel overwhelmed at that prospect, but I don't feel that way. I feel grateful for what has been given to me and scared it will be taken away. I don't worry about 3 am feedings or getting a date night with R. I am not worried about breastfeeding, or sleep issues, or colic. I can handle those things, I have a husband who is going to be a great parent, a mom who lives 2 miles away and can be here in 10 minutes if I need her, I have two good friends who are honorary Aunties and I know they will help me out if I need it, I have years as a nanny and a degree in child development. I should be able to handle the challenges of being a parent to a healthy newborn. People with much less have done it and been good parents so why wouldn't I be able to?
My worries revolve around fetal death and more recently infant death from things like SIDS. I found myself jealous the other day of a blogger whose son is home on a heart monitor, until I realized how LUCKY I would be to have a child who didn't need it. These aren't "normal" worries and I know it. My pg friends and nesties aren't concerned with these issues. The thought of fetal death hasn't crossed their mind until I have brought it up. It isn't that I think of these things a lot but sometimes I worry I think about them too much. Enough so that I am not enjoying this pg the way I should.
But I am enjoying it more and more now. Baby kicks all the time, and responds with movement when I talk to him/her in the am. We spend out mornings in the baby room eating breakfast in the rocker because I love being in there so much. I feel so blessed and lucky to be pg, to be healthy, to be having a healthy child. I am enjoying it, and I want to treasure the next 99 days. I want to hold onto the good parts of them and savor the moments of joy. As worried as I might be at times I am looking forward to being a mom. I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms, to watch his/her chest rise and fall with each breath, to watch my husband cry at the sight of our newborn. I am so excited for those moments! 99 more days...
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7 comments:
You are so not alone on the fetal death thing. I worry every day to the point that so far I refuse to start on the nursery. So you have given in more then I have. I sit in there on the floor and just look at the blank walls. All the baby stuff I do have is hiding in the closet. Congrats on making it to 99 days
Same as pp said, you're not alone with your worries. SIDS scares me to no end. We have some of the same fears, and I'm sure there are many more out there like us.
And yeah for 99 days left!
I am incredibly happy that you are expecting. I am incredibly happy that you and R are finally going to be parents like you have wanted for so long. I am incredibly happy that you have had what most would consider a perfect pregnancy. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I really feel like I need to say this. I've been reading your blog and your posts on the Nest hoping that one day, you will look at the glass being half full rather than empty. Finally, with this entry, there is optimism.... but it's still acompanied with so much worry, so much fear. Because you have researched so much into what "could" happen, you've forgotten what "is" happening. You are not alone in worrying about the what if's: fetal death, SIDS, etc. It's a natural fear that every parent and parent-to-be fears. Hell, I fear it and I'm not even pregnant yet. But it's not healthy to be so obsessed about the bad stuff. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think you are cheating yourself out of truely experiencing one of the great miracles of life - all because you are so focused on the negative probabilities. It's amazing, it's exciting, and it's supposed to be the happiest time of your life. I don't like to watch people I know beat themselves up over something that hasn't happened. Enjoy it - you and R deserve it!! Happy 99 days left until you have your beautiful baby in your arms!
Ariella,
Wow! You have 5 years of nanny experience + a degree in child development. Exactly why are you going to all these classes? ;-)
(kidding, i know its for birth preparation)
I knew a woman whose child was stillborn due to the cord wrapping around his neck. The spectre of that looms over my head now and then. So yes, I get what you say about worrying excessively. I guess Amber above is right.
I thought you knew if its a boy or girl!
I have thought about all of those scary things, too. I think you are normal given your struggle to become pregnant. I am so glad to hear that the baby is moving around and you are relishing in the moments when she/he responds to you. I wish I could say I only have 99 days left, instead I have double that. I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy too, but it is so hard when we know all the things that can go wrong. Hang in there, it sounds like you are doing great just having doubts, which is normal.
This was such a sweet post to read. I really hope you get to enjoy the next 99 days and many, many more days of bliss after that. I'm also very impressed with your confidence in your abilities - I have to admit I feel far more overwhelmed by the idea of being responsible for another person, but I'll be glad to read along and see how you're doing it.
Wow time is flying by!!! I feel the same about worrying about issues like SIDS, that scares the hell out of me. I can handle everything else and my mom lives within a 15 minutes drive from home and my grandma and sis-in-law live within 15 minutes too.
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