I need to follow up on my Jon and Kate plus 8 post. I had mentioned that over the summer a set of sextuplets had been born and none had made it. I was wrong. One did make it and while currently he looks healthy the long term effects of being a preemie have yet to be determined. There is a high likely hood this child will not have normal development. While that would prove my point that IF should be covered so people don't take risks like this. I am NOT a cold heartless B!tch so please pray that he is okay and a lucky little boy and does not have any mental delays.
Next follow up still has to do with the Jon and Kate post. If you are reading this and going through IF I URGE you to talk with your husband about selective reduction. No one wants to talk about it but we all need to. I hope none of us ever has to make that choice but the reality is that some IF patients do have to make that choice and it is good to have a little info and an idea of where each of you stand on the idea BEFORE it is a life growing inside you. I am now steeping down from the soapbox.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Getting love from my Nesties
I have been really jealous lately on my local board of all the BFPs and since I have 'friends' on that board I have refused to leave. I also refuse to let IF determine what I do. Today I was feeling really down because we have had a BUNCH of BFPs from people on their 1st or 2nd cycle as well as people who have just thrown caution to the wind. I wouldn't wish IF on anyone but would it be so hard for people not to say "My DH has supper swimmers" when they get pg on the first try.
Anyway this all leads up to a post about "whose next" on the local baby board, all the mama's start saying all these people who have 1 or 2yr olds. And no one wanted it to be them. So I threw my hat in the ring and posted "Asking for baby dust" here is what happened:
http://talk.thenestbaby.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=37536223
I knew there was a reason I love my local girls!
Anyway this all leads up to a post about "whose next" on the local baby board, all the mama's start saying all these people who have 1 or 2yr olds. And no one wanted it to be them. So I threw my hat in the ring and posted "Asking for baby dust" here is what happened:
http://talk.thenestbaby.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=37536223
I knew there was a reason I love my local girls!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Jon and Kate plus 8
There are few shows on TV about IF that piss me off more than this one. Yes I think that PP has done an awful job of showing the IF side of things, and that HBO show about sex has a couple that are just mean to each other and undergoing IF treatments. But Jon and Katie take the cake for me.
My first grip is that they did IUIs not IVF yet everyone I talk to, that doesn’t suffer from IF, seems to think they did IVF. This is simply not true people! High order multiples are almost non existent in IVF couples because no RE in their right mind put that many back. Sure triplets happen in IVF because sometimes one cell will split and form identical twins and other times 3 are put back and all stick. Hell I know RARE occasions when they put back 4 but not 6! Nope no respectable RE would put back in 6 or more! And the average they put back in is two. Yup two!
Second grip about the show: The fact that all six made it is a miracle! If you watch the show closely she actauly had 7 originally but one died before the end of the first tri. But still the fact that 6 grew inside her for as long as they did and then came out and survived those first few months is a miricale. If you followed the news this summer you will remember that two sets of sextuplets were born. Both sets were VERY premature and sadly none of them survived. I have no idea what the chances of a women giving birth to 6 babies at once are and having them ALL survive is but let me tell you it is RARE. There is a reason they have a TV show about it!
Third grip: This actually isn’t about the show at all it is about medical insurance. I have never been able to run the numbers but since I have a background in policy analysis I can pretty much guess with certainty that covering IVF would be cheaper than dealing with the HOM that a result of IUIs. IUIs are more likely to be covered by insurance than IVF and yet there is a higher risk of HOM with them which can cost thousands and thousands of dollars to treat because of long NICU periods and developmental delays that are common with HOM that are premies. It would make more since to cover the IVF which are more likely to work and succeed in healthy viable pg with little/no risk of HOM.
I am going to get off my soapbox now.
My first grip is that they did IUIs not IVF yet everyone I talk to, that doesn’t suffer from IF, seems to think they did IVF. This is simply not true people! High order multiples are almost non existent in IVF couples because no RE in their right mind put that many back. Sure triplets happen in IVF because sometimes one cell will split and form identical twins and other times 3 are put back and all stick. Hell I know RARE occasions when they put back 4 but not 6! Nope no respectable RE would put back in 6 or more! And the average they put back in is two. Yup two!
Second grip about the show: The fact that all six made it is a miracle! If you watch the show closely she actauly had 7 originally but one died before the end of the first tri. But still the fact that 6 grew inside her for as long as they did and then came out and survived those first few months is a miricale. If you followed the news this summer you will remember that two sets of sextuplets were born. Both sets were VERY premature and sadly none of them survived. I have no idea what the chances of a women giving birth to 6 babies at once are and having them ALL survive is but let me tell you it is RARE. There is a reason they have a TV show about it!
Third grip: This actually isn’t about the show at all it is about medical insurance. I have never been able to run the numbers but since I have a background in policy analysis I can pretty much guess with certainty that covering IVF would be cheaper than dealing with the HOM that a result of IUIs. IUIs are more likely to be covered by insurance than IVF and yet there is a higher risk of HOM with them which can cost thousands and thousands of dollars to treat because of long NICU periods and developmental delays that are common with HOM that are premies. It would make more since to cover the IVF which are more likely to work and succeed in healthy viable pg with little/no risk of HOM.
I am going to get off my soapbox now.
Fear
Shhh Don’t tell R but I am seriously freaking out about his SA. I know that if the issue is him it isn’t a big deal. We will do IUI or IVF and get pg that way, but still I am freaking out. Forget for a moment that NOTHING is covered for us. Forget that he would REFUSE to tell his family and that they won’t shut up about us having kids. Forget that we are going to have to move AGAIN in February and that I had wanted to start grad school next year. Forget it all because right now my biggest fear is that if the issue does lie in his body, that our marriage will be over. Not because of the way I will feel but because for R his man hood is directly linked to reproduction capability.
A lot of men are like R in this way and I have never understood it. How can being a man be wrapped up in such a small issue. But for R it is. If he isn’t 100% normal I have a feeling he will have a massive breakdown. And I am not sure how to handle that.
R has always been the rock in our relationship. That isn’t to say I don’t comfort him when he is blue or upset about life or work, but it does mean I have far less experience than he does in dealing with him being really upset. R gets upset but in manifests differently in him than it does in me. When he gets upset he has no idea what bothers him, he doesn’t want to talk about it or think about it or deal with it in any way. He will lock himself in his room and ignore me until I bully him out. Then he gets mad, he will blame something in our relationship for the way he has been acting. The relationship is in fact fine, but he is having difficulty processing everything bothering him so he picks what ever about the relationship that is irritating and goes after it. He won’t yell but will get so melancholy you would think I had killed the cat.
The once we have fought for awhile he will calm down and in a day or two he will be ready to talk. He still won’t know what bothered him in the first place but he will be open to talking about what it might have been. Even after I have clearly identified what was bothering him he still won’t fully admit it. But non-verbally he confirms it. We will talk and talk and talk until I think we might have made an ounce of progress and then his wall breaks and he lets it ALL out. ALL of it. And by all of it I mean every little bit of it and then some. Anything that aggravated him in the last year will come out. I have learned that through this the best thing to do is accept what he is saying and shut up. Once he is through he is fine. He becomes him old self again and we are okay.
I have tried in the last few years to get R to find a new way to cope, but I can’t seem to change his old ways. The hardest part of this for me is how long it takes. Last time it took about two weeks and sometimes he is like that for a month. I am not sure I can be his rock for a month about IF, but then again he has been mine for a while.
Still I really hope the issue isn’t him but we both have a sneaking feeling it is and will good reason too, but that is a whole different post.
A lot of men are like R in this way and I have never understood it. How can being a man be wrapped up in such a small issue. But for R it is. If he isn’t 100% normal I have a feeling he will have a massive breakdown. And I am not sure how to handle that.
R has always been the rock in our relationship. That isn’t to say I don’t comfort him when he is blue or upset about life or work, but it does mean I have far less experience than he does in dealing with him being really upset. R gets upset but in manifests differently in him than it does in me. When he gets upset he has no idea what bothers him, he doesn’t want to talk about it or think about it or deal with it in any way. He will lock himself in his room and ignore me until I bully him out. Then he gets mad, he will blame something in our relationship for the way he has been acting. The relationship is in fact fine, but he is having difficulty processing everything bothering him so he picks what ever about the relationship that is irritating and goes after it. He won’t yell but will get so melancholy you would think I had killed the cat.
The once we have fought for awhile he will calm down and in a day or two he will be ready to talk. He still won’t know what bothered him in the first place but he will be open to talking about what it might have been. Even after I have clearly identified what was bothering him he still won’t fully admit it. But non-verbally he confirms it. We will talk and talk and talk until I think we might have made an ounce of progress and then his wall breaks and he lets it ALL out. ALL of it. And by all of it I mean every little bit of it and then some. Anything that aggravated him in the last year will come out. I have learned that through this the best thing to do is accept what he is saying and shut up. Once he is through he is fine. He becomes him old self again and we are okay.
I have tried in the last few years to get R to find a new way to cope, but I can’t seem to change his old ways. The hardest part of this for me is how long it takes. Last time it took about two weeks and sometimes he is like that for a month. I am not sure I can be his rock for a month about IF, but then again he has been mine for a while.
Still I really hope the issue isn’t him but we both have a sneaking feeling it is and will good reason too, but that is a whole different post.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Happy Appointment
I am happy! Very very happy! I got to see a dr, Dr. G, I trusted today who went over my latest blood work and the old stuff as well as did an ultrasound. She told me "it isn't PCOS, not even a mild form" I didn't believe her at first but after we talked and I thought about it now I do. She didn't strong hand me about it she explained the results and we went over the charts I brought from the fertitlityplus website and showed me why I had been confused. SOOOOOOO much better than my old Dr. She also agreed that clomid should be monitored AND have an HSG BEFORE hand. Ladies, I think I am in love. Here is the problem, she isn't an RE. So she had to give me the name of one and a referral. She told me when they call I can set an appt then, or tell them I want to wait. The ball is now completely in R and my court and it feels goooood.
Her recommendation is not only a college but also a friend of hers and she says they have similar personalities. She also isn't going to make me go to the RE/IF 'class' Kaiser has. I am thrilled about that since K, girl from thenest and a t-ttcer, said that is was awful and boring and that she hated it. I still might go but at least now I know I don't have to fit it into my long list of things to do by the end of December. My dr said I seemed to know my shit and I have to thank all of YOU for that. So if you are reading this and frequent the t-ttc board on thenest. THANK YOU.
Dr G also said that my months without cycles don't count since there is no way to know if I actually ovulated so her recommendation is that I wait a few more months, as long as the SA comes back normal, before seeing the RE. I feel okay about that idea because I still want to wait till January to see the RE but I don't want to wait much longer than that.
Now I just have to get R to do the SA! Wish me luck!
Her recommendation is not only a college but also a friend of hers and she says they have similar personalities. She also isn't going to make me go to the RE/IF 'class' Kaiser has. I am thrilled about that since K, girl from thenest and a t-ttcer, said that is was awful and boring and that she hated it. I still might go but at least now I know I don't have to fit it into my long list of things to do by the end of December. My dr said I seemed to know my shit and I have to thank all of YOU for that. So if you are reading this and frequent the t-ttc board on thenest. THANK YOU.
Dr G also said that my months without cycles don't count since there is no way to know if I actually ovulated so her recommendation is that I wait a few more months, as long as the SA comes back normal, before seeing the RE. I feel okay about that idea because I still want to wait till January to see the RE but I don't want to wait much longer than that.
Now I just have to get R to do the SA! Wish me luck!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Day two of Diet, 13cd and I am getting sick
It is day two of my diet and today went well. Glass of milk and yogurt in the am. A salad on a slice of bread for lunch- yes the bread is a carb. I am not perfect you know, a scoop of peanut butter for a snack- I love PB and love this diet for letting me have it, and for dinner chicken, peas and squash. A really good day for me. Awesome even if you consider that I am getting sick and the one thing I ALWAYS want when I get a cold is ice cream.
I don't know why but this winter my immune system must be really weak. I have already had a virus in my tummy which made me sick all night and kept me in bed for a few days. Now I have this 'thing'. So far I have had some post nasal drip in my throat and now it feels as if someone took a baby bottle cleaner and cleaned my throat. It is painful, raw and burning and it sucks. Since starting this post I have had a Popsicle too and even that hasn't helped. Okay maybe it did a little. Either way I hate being sick and being on a diet. I am no good at diet and exercise while sick. I have a feeling this could be a short diet....
R and I are doing fine again. We have gotten in a few fights this week but nothing our marriage can't handle. It is hard to tell if our issues are us or the IF sometimes, but right now I am leaning toward the IF. We are still considering doing therapy next year whether or not we are pg by then. Our marriage and communication style needs it.
I am Oing today or tomorrow and have my 2nd opinion Dr appt tomorrow. Wish me luck.
I don't know why but this winter my immune system must be really weak. I have already had a virus in my tummy which made me sick all night and kept me in bed for a few days. Now I have this 'thing'. So far I have had some post nasal drip in my throat and now it feels as if someone took a baby bottle cleaner and cleaned my throat. It is painful, raw and burning and it sucks. Since starting this post I have had a Popsicle too and even that hasn't helped. Okay maybe it did a little. Either way I hate being sick and being on a diet. I am no good at diet and exercise while sick. I have a feeling this could be a short diet....
R and I are doing fine again. We have gotten in a few fights this week but nothing our marriage can't handle. It is hard to tell if our issues are us or the IF sometimes, but right now I am leaning toward the IF. We are still considering doing therapy next year whether or not we are pg by then. Our marriage and communication style needs it.
I am Oing today or tomorrow and have my 2nd opinion Dr appt tomorrow. Wish me luck.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Day after Turkey-lurky Day
It is Black Friday and this morning I shopped, a lot. I didn't get many other gifts but I did get a lot of stuff for myself. There is little to update at this time about t-ttc. My apt is on Monday for my nd opinion and then I have a consult with insurance. I am dreading it but also looking forward to it. I am also starting back on my low/carb free diet in the am. UGG. I am definitely NOT looking forward to it. So if this next week I seem food obsessed please understand. Lack of sugar/carbs makes me hate life, but my body needs to do this, so I will.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
SA and pre-thanksgiving post
Tonight R's Dr called and oked the SA! WoooHoooo. So it looks like he actually might get it done finally. I am so happy. We are going to have to wait until after I O to do it because right now we are so close to O time but I am happy. Hopefully he won't chicken out about it. I am still nervous about what it will say but I want answers. I want a reason we aren't pg by now and I want a plan. I want a plan both R and I can live with and stick to and hopefully afford. Honestly I have no idea how we will afford anything right now but I refuse to think about this. Somehow we will find a way to afford it and do it.
For those of you who don't know R is significantly older than me. His B-day is in two weeks and he will be 33 then. I am 25.5 at the moment making us 7.5 years apart in age. It is less than a decade but still he remembers things I have NO recollection of. It also means that his clock ticks faster than mine, so while it is true that I am young. We are about 28 or 29, and thus our clock is ticking. There are other reasons I worry about the SA. R was in the army and worked doing chemical recon. So he has been exposed to some yucky stuff even though he never fought or went over seas. Also as a child one of his testies twisted. They found it early and it shouldn't have caused any lasting damage but it still worries me, mostly because I am a worrier by nature. R is worried too. He thinks the boys are directly linked to his manhood. As though if his SA is abnormal then he is less of a man. I think this is a crock of shit but in many ways I feel the same about my body. If I can't reproduce then to me I am less of a woman. Yes it is fucked up and I shouldn't think like that but I do. And I have heard many other T-ttc girls say it too so I know I am not the first to feel that way.
In blogger/thenest news. One of my local t-ttc girls might be mc. There was no fetal pole at the 5 week us and things don't look good. Also one of me IF girls found out she is pg with 3 babies. her dr is worried about her and thinks it is best to selectively reduce. I don't know how they will decide because it is such a hard decision to make. I hope what ever they do that they carry at least one to term and have a healthy baby. They deserve it after all they have been through. Other bloggers are going through a similarly rough time and if you can send them hugs and prayers I would very much like that.
I hope that next time this year my list of favorite blogs is filled with pg and happy healthy babies. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and if you belong to thenest tttc board: This year I am thankful for all of you....
For those of you who don't know R is significantly older than me. His B-day is in two weeks and he will be 33 then. I am 25.5 at the moment making us 7.5 years apart in age. It is less than a decade but still he remembers things I have NO recollection of. It also means that his clock ticks faster than mine, so while it is true that I am young. We are about 28 or 29, and thus our clock is ticking. There are other reasons I worry about the SA. R was in the army and worked doing chemical recon. So he has been exposed to some yucky stuff even though he never fought or went over seas. Also as a child one of his testies twisted. They found it early and it shouldn't have caused any lasting damage but it still worries me, mostly because I am a worrier by nature. R is worried too. He thinks the boys are directly linked to his manhood. As though if his SA is abnormal then he is less of a man. I think this is a crock of shit but in many ways I feel the same about my body. If I can't reproduce then to me I am less of a woman. Yes it is fucked up and I shouldn't think like that but I do. And I have heard many other T-ttc girls say it too so I know I am not the first to feel that way.
In blogger/thenest news. One of my local t-ttc girls might be mc. There was no fetal pole at the 5 week us and things don't look good. Also one of me IF girls found out she is pg with 3 babies. her dr is worried about her and thinks it is best to selectively reduce. I don't know how they will decide because it is such a hard decision to make. I hope what ever they do that they carry at least one to term and have a healthy baby. They deserve it after all they have been through. Other bloggers are going through a similarly rough time and if you can send them hugs and prayers I would very much like that.
I hope that next time this year my list of favorite blogs is filled with pg and happy healthy babies. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and if you belong to thenest tttc board: This year I am thankful for all of you....
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Last Week
Something happened last week that I didn't blog about due to lack of time. I was G. G has two mommies and is a child I used to nanny. Her bio-mom gave birth at age 42 and until last week I had always thought they had done the IUI route. But now I know that they did IVF! I know all this because I 'came out'. D (G's bio-mom) is the first IRL (inreallife) non family or BFF person I have told about our T-ttc. She was wonderful and it made me feel beter to know that if I need her for a recomindation or referal IF related I won't have to exsplain the whole thing then.
Comming out felt like steping out of the dark. I understand why some people tell anyone about their IF. It is very liberating. So liberating that I am ready to tell people if they ask, but R isn't and I respect that. So for now we are still 'closeted' about our IF.
Comming out felt like steping out of the dark. I understand why some people tell anyone about their IF. It is very liberating. So liberating that I am ready to tell people if they ask, but R isn't and I respect that. So for now we are still 'closeted' about our IF.
No Appt Monday
My appt was over before it began. It seems that even Drs get sick sometimes! Yes my Dr called in sick and now I have my appt re-schedualed for next monday. I didn't bother going to the hospital for a talk to the insurance because I'll be there Monday next week and can just do it them. R called his Dr and is getting a SA done. I honestly can't belive it is going to happen but I am also thrilled. I know he is dreading it so I told him I would help ;) Oh and the fight is over and done with. It was a long and bad one but it is over now and the issues have been resolved.
In other news..... there really isn't any. I went and saw the Bodies Exibit at SJ Tec Museum. The prenatal/infant room creeped me out. I am not sure I will ever recover from it. It even had embrios at 4 weeks. I thought I would cry but I was okay. However I now have a greater since of how little things really can be and still be HUMAN. Creepy and cool all at the same time.
In other news..... there really isn't any. I went and saw the Bodies Exibit at SJ Tec Museum. The prenatal/infant room creeped me out. I am not sure I will ever recover from it. It even had embrios at 4 weeks. I thought I would cry but I was okay. However I now have a greater since of how little things really can be and still be HUMAN. Creepy and cool all at the same time.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Fighting with R
R and I just got into a huge fight. And by huge I mean he left the house! So really big. I think we have only had two other fights like this the entire time we have been together and one of them was the exact same reason. Our fight today started off about him always wanting to take over my house hold projects. The bookcase, the chair, and so many others he steps in at the end and tries to tell me how to finish them. I don't mind his input but I hate how he waits till the end and then expects me to change how I do it.
Of course with me a fight never has one topic so from there I moved on to him and these 'tests' he is doing.... for the last 4 years! Yup he is a master at procrastinating. I hate that he isn't done with these tests. I hate that he has waited so long that now he needs to do 2 of them before the end of December! It kills me that he doesn't think this is important enough to stay on top of. AND I told him so. Even went so far as to say I feel like a "nagging bitch" and "his mom". Both of which are true. I know what I said hurt him and I am sorry for that, but how am I expected to feel secure ($$$$ wise) if he can't even keep up with his education in his field.
What makes fighting with R so hard is that he just stands there and takes it, then runs. He doesn't fight with me, he internalizes it and then once I feel like the fight is done he spills it back out. So when he gets home we will need to fight all over again. This time he gets to do the talking (yelling) and I get to listen. I am not looking forward to it.
Of course with me a fight never has one topic so from there I moved on to him and these 'tests' he is doing.... for the last 4 years! Yup he is a master at procrastinating. I hate that he isn't done with these tests. I hate that he has waited so long that now he needs to do 2 of them before the end of December! It kills me that he doesn't think this is important enough to stay on top of. AND I told him so. Even went so far as to say I feel like a "nagging bitch" and "his mom". Both of which are true. I know what I said hurt him and I am sorry for that, but how am I expected to feel secure ($$$$ wise) if he can't even keep up with his education in his field.
What makes fighting with R so hard is that he just stands there and takes it, then runs. He doesn't fight with me, he internalizes it and then once I feel like the fight is done he spills it back out. So when he gets home we will need to fight all over again. This time he gets to do the talking (yelling) and I get to listen. I am not looking forward to it.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Insurance
I now know why people hate dealing with insurance companies. I just got off the phone and NOTHING is covered. No testing (even though my bloodwork was), no HSG, no lap NOTHING! So I cried. And now I will pray. Hopefully God will hear me. If anyone has any advice on how to pay for everything let me know. I don't even hav an idea of what things will cost yet. I feel lost and alone. So maybe we will try on our own for a while longer. I still want DH to do a SA asap though.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
My Mom
I know I bitch and moan about my mom a lot on this blog so I wanted to share with you all the great wonderful stuff about my mom, because in truth she is my best friend. She was over last night while R had to study for his next test. We watched an old Oprah off my DVR about IVF and surrogacy. She reacted so well. I think it was lots of info for her to process but at least she understood the process and emotions. Hopefully she will never have a daughter who has to go through that but at least now she is better informed than she was.
My mom and I have a weirdly close relationship, as I said she is my best friend, and most people don’t get it. I can talk to her about anything and everything from issues with friends to work or school stuff to marriage issues, even girly stuff. And by girly stuff I mean yeast infections, OB appt, and sex. Yes I can talk to my mom about sex! I know that many, many people freak out about this. They think I tell her about how often or about size or positions but NONE of that stuff ever comes up. What does happen is things like a cyst on my girly parts and I call and ask her what it is and she can tell me how to get rid of it, or we are shopping and I need a new sexy outfit because lets face it girls TI can get really boring, and she helps me find something. Most of you are probably still freaking out because for the life of you, you can’t imagine sharing that stuff with your mom. But my mom is cool, she is open and not judgmental. How many of you can say that about your mom?!!!?
How many of you can call her crying and upset about work or husbands? How many of you know your mom would come get you if you were to drunk to drive or ran out of gas on the highway? I can call her for just about anything. Even as a teen I knew I could call if I got drunk or high at a party and needed a safe ride home. She is there for me like no one else has ever been other than DH. I am closer to her than most of my girl friends.
Now some of you are thinking “I would hate that” but not one of my friends has ever said that. Most of the time they admit that they wish their mom was as cool, open, honest and non-judgmental. And my friends love her too. They invite her along to lunch, to their kid’s B-day parties, and ask how she is every time we talk. Yes I have a COOL MOM and am very lucky and one day my kids will have a open, honest mom too.
My mom and I have a weirdly close relationship, as I said she is my best friend, and most people don’t get it. I can talk to her about anything and everything from issues with friends to work or school stuff to marriage issues, even girly stuff. And by girly stuff I mean yeast infections, OB appt, and sex. Yes I can talk to my mom about sex! I know that many, many people freak out about this. They think I tell her about how often or about size or positions but NONE of that stuff ever comes up. What does happen is things like a cyst on my girly parts and I call and ask her what it is and she can tell me how to get rid of it, or we are shopping and I need a new sexy outfit because lets face it girls TI can get really boring, and she helps me find something. Most of you are probably still freaking out because for the life of you, you can’t imagine sharing that stuff with your mom. But my mom is cool, she is open and not judgmental. How many of you can say that about your mom?!!!?
How many of you can call her crying and upset about work or husbands? How many of you know your mom would come get you if you were to drunk to drive or ran out of gas on the highway? I can call her for just about anything. Even as a teen I knew I could call if I got drunk or high at a party and needed a safe ride home. She is there for me like no one else has ever been other than DH. I am closer to her than most of my girl friends.
Now some of you are thinking “I would hate that” but not one of my friends has ever said that. Most of the time they admit that they wish their mom was as cool, open, honest and non-judgmental. And my friends love her too. They invite her along to lunch, to their kid’s B-day parties, and ask how she is every time we talk. Yes I have a COOL MOM and am very lucky and one day my kids will have a open, honest mom too.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
AF is here & an epiphany
At 4:30 am today AF showed. :( I am sad but not devastated like I have been the cycles before. I think the blogging and alcohol helped me not get my hopes up. I did the math today and actually me EDD won't be the week of BIL (brother-in-law)'s wedding. If pg this cycle I would be 2 weeks after my EDD. So R and I need to have a talk. At least we have two weeks to decide what to do. In other fertility news I think I want to buy a fertility monitor. I am going to see if R will work with me on buying one since I know the idea of spending 200+ dollars on one will freak him out. But I think it could be less stressful for us than charting or having sex the whole 10 days that I could ovulate. I also hate the idea of spending that much money on it but he is the one who doesn't want to go forward with more tests. And so far I think we have only spent about 200 on everything so lets just double that! ;)
The more I think about the testing the more I think my tubes might be blocked. When I was a child I had a rare blood disease. I will call it HLSLPP because spelling it out I will butcher it. Basically it breaks down the walls of the red blood cells and causes internal bleeding. It is VERY rare and I don't have it anymore. There is no cure but it does get better and cure itself in the patients who don't die from it. The reason I think it has blocked my tubes is because it can. I just have this weird feeling that the issue is me not R. So if I ovulate and my numbers are borderline PCOS but not PCOS then what is keeping us from getting pg? I just don't know.
I think I spoke of this in an earlier post but I want to elaborate a little. I had an epiphany this week about out t-ttc. I think god has been trying to tell me it won't be easy for a while and I just wouldn't listen. Here is why: Almost every couple I have ever nannied for has had some form of IF, t-ttc or pg loss. Kate mommy to A and N twins, had an early pg loss before them. Debbie mommy to G and Kate's partner had a chemical pg. Both ladies used sperm donors to get pg and had IUIs. So even as a teen God was exposing me to women with fertility issues and ways to overcome them. Then there is Diane, mom to T and J also twins. T and J were carried to term by a surrogate using donor eggs and her husband's sperm. Diane also had multiple pg losses due to a uterine lining issue, including TJ who she carried for 15 weeks and then her water broke. She carried him for 12 more weeks until she was 27 week along before giving birth. He lived for days and then passed. She never held her son alive. I remember her telling me all this and feeling so bad for her. Now I wish I could go back and hug her, I understand on a much deeper level now. Even S's mom told me she had fertility issues and that is why S was an only child.
So see I have been surrounded by women with fertility issues for a long time now. It is like God was trying to show me that not all women get pg their first cycles like the ladies in my family. I just didn't want to hear him yelling at me, so he slammed the door in my face. "Nope, you have more learning to do before I let you in to motherhood" he is saying. Well God I am listening, watching and trying to learn. Show me what I need to learn the lessons to get to motherhood because I know that I am getting in.
If this all sounds bitter I don't mean it to. I am okay with the path we are on now. I have come to terms with it. Now I just need R to come to terms with it so we can move on, move forward together.
The more I think about the testing the more I think my tubes might be blocked. When I was a child I had a rare blood disease. I will call it HLSLPP because spelling it out I will butcher it. Basically it breaks down the walls of the red blood cells and causes internal bleeding. It is VERY rare and I don't have it anymore. There is no cure but it does get better and cure itself in the patients who don't die from it. The reason I think it has blocked my tubes is because it can. I just have this weird feeling that the issue is me not R. So if I ovulate and my numbers are borderline PCOS but not PCOS then what is keeping us from getting pg? I just don't know.
I think I spoke of this in an earlier post but I want to elaborate a little. I had an epiphany this week about out t-ttc. I think god has been trying to tell me it won't be easy for a while and I just wouldn't listen. Here is why: Almost every couple I have ever nannied for has had some form of IF, t-ttc or pg loss. Kate mommy to A and N twins, had an early pg loss before them. Debbie mommy to G and Kate's partner had a chemical pg. Both ladies used sperm donors to get pg and had IUIs. So even as a teen God was exposing me to women with fertility issues and ways to overcome them. Then there is Diane, mom to T and J also twins. T and J were carried to term by a surrogate using donor eggs and her husband's sperm. Diane also had multiple pg losses due to a uterine lining issue, including TJ who she carried for 15 weeks and then her water broke. She carried him for 12 more weeks until she was 27 week along before giving birth. He lived for days and then passed. She never held her son alive. I remember her telling me all this and feeling so bad for her. Now I wish I could go back and hug her, I understand on a much deeper level now. Even S's mom told me she had fertility issues and that is why S was an only child.
So see I have been surrounded by women with fertility issues for a long time now. It is like God was trying to show me that not all women get pg their first cycles like the ladies in my family. I just didn't want to hear him yelling at me, so he slammed the door in my face. "Nope, you have more learning to do before I let you in to motherhood" he is saying. Well God I am listening, watching and trying to learn. Show me what I need to learn the lessons to get to motherhood because I know that I am getting in.
If this all sounds bitter I don't mean it to. I am okay with the path we are on now. I have come to terms with it. Now I just need R to come to terms with it so we can move on, move forward together.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Thankful
Last night R and I had a great talk. I cried, he held me and we chatted. I feel much better. In even better news. So far no AF! I am trying not to get my hopes up but that is hard. Tomorrow AF is officially due. Just writing that is hard but seeing her tomorrow will be even harder. Although I also know that if she doesn't show tomorrow I will be a mess too. I have never had a cycle longer that 30 days since my cycles became "normal" so I want either AF to show or to be pg. Preferably the last of the two. But we will just have to wait and see.
In honor of T-day coming up here is a list of all the things I am happy for:
1) My wonderful darling husband who has shown me what true love is. With out him I think I would never believe I could love someone this much. People tell me he is whipped but if they only knew the truth they would see I am the one head over heals in love.
2) That my cycles regulated on their own. I am so thankful that they did.
3) My mom is still with me and R is supportive of our weirdly close relationship. For so long I was worried she would just slip away and finally I feel like I can count on her being here day in and day out.
4) My sis and her family. I love them and am so happy that they are happy up in Washington. My niece will be one two days before t-day. Both her and her bro are miracles because of my sis's uterine condition. The fact that they were full term is a testament that God exists.
5) A roof over our heads money in the bank and all the things I take for granted every day. I have a more than most in this life and am soooo lucky.
In honor of T-day coming up here is a list of all the things I am happy for:
1) My wonderful darling husband who has shown me what true love is. With out him I think I would never believe I could love someone this much. People tell me he is whipped but if they only knew the truth they would see I am the one head over heals in love.
2) That my cycles regulated on their own. I am so thankful that they did.
3) My mom is still with me and R is supportive of our weirdly close relationship. For so long I was worried she would just slip away and finally I feel like I can count on her being here day in and day out.
4) My sis and her family. I love them and am so happy that they are happy up in Washington. My niece will be one two days before t-day. Both her and her bro are miracles because of my sis's uterine condition. The fact that they were full term is a testament that God exists.
5) A roof over our heads money in the bank and all the things I take for granted every day. I have a more than most in this life and am soooo lucky.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Cd 30
It is really late on Sunday night and today is CD 30. Yup for those of you who know a regular cycle is 28 days that does kinda mean I am two days late. HOWEVER in this case it means nothing becuase my LP is long. So AF isn't due till tomorow and even if she doesn't come I don't plan on testing till Thursday or Friday. I am going to try to hold out for as long as possable. But we all know I am weak and will test early! I hate it but it is true. So if you are out there and pray. Say one for me tonight. Pray this is my cycle and I get my BFP.
In other t-ttc related news. Our baby freeweekend is over. Praise the lord! I don't think I could stand another day of it. Sadly it didn't help me. I feel more distint from R than I did thurday night. He on the other hand liked it but noticed that I was distant. We won't be doing this again for a while. Also I have decided to keep blogging durring our break. I plan on talking about life and a few t-ttc vents and rants I have been holding in. They should be fun. I also want to learn how to post a pic to show off my chair I re-finished. I am so proud of it! But those topics will wait until AF shows because tonight I need to sleep. Good night all.
In other t-ttc related news. Our baby freeweekend is over. Praise the lord! I don't think I could stand another day of it. Sadly it didn't help me. I feel more distint from R than I did thurday night. He on the other hand liked it but noticed that I was distant. We won't be doing this again for a while. Also I have decided to keep blogging durring our break. I plan on talking about life and a few t-ttc vents and rants I have been holding in. They should be fun. I also want to learn how to post a pic to show off my chair I re-finished. I am so proud of it! But those topics will wait until AF shows because tonight I need to sleep. Good night all.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Going baby free
The hubby, R, and I had a long talk the other night about t-ttc. Focusing on him doing a Seman Analysis or rather the fact that he hasn't done this yet. I want to know if something is wrong with the swimmers or if it is just me. I feel like there is no point me doing an HSG if he won't even do a simple SA. He ofcourse is afraid of what they will find. He feels like he is less of a man if he has issues. Which is redicules but it is how he feels. I am mad that he is taking his time but at the same time I undestand. Once we go down this path there really is no turning back. I mean we can turn back but it would be really hard to do. I hate that we aren't on the same page. I hate that AF is due in 4 days and I am totally hormonal.
In other news:
This weekend will be a baby free weekend. R and I have two date nights planned and I have two girls only events as well. It should be a packed weekend and we vowed no baby talk or t-ttc talk at all. It is going to kill me because all I want to talk to him about is more IF testing and the next step. Also we need to talk about this next cycle and if we are truely sitting it out or not.
See if we were to get pg next cycle I would be due at his bro's wedding which is 800 miles away and thus I couldn't go. So I know he will want to sit it out but I also know that it is going to kill me. Durring that time this blog is going to go DEAD. I am aslo going to stop nesting which is going to be incredably hard but for sanity sake I need to do it.
I will update this on Monday or Tuesday when AF shows. Love to all!
In other news:
This weekend will be a baby free weekend. R and I have two date nights planned and I have two girls only events as well. It should be a packed weekend and we vowed no baby talk or t-ttc talk at all. It is going to kill me because all I want to talk to him about is more IF testing and the next step. Also we need to talk about this next cycle and if we are truely sitting it out or not.
See if we were to get pg next cycle I would be due at his bro's wedding which is 800 miles away and thus I couldn't go. So I know he will want to sit it out but I also know that it is going to kill me. Durring that time this blog is going to go DEAD. I am aslo going to stop nesting which is going to be incredably hard but for sanity sake I need to do it.
I will update this on Monday or Tuesday when AF shows. Love to all!
Monday, November 5, 2007
Cut and paste
In a post on thenest today we were tlaking about trying. Here is what I wrote:
Words don't really exspress the sense of loss I feel. Not feeling like a women doesn't even begin to touch how I feel most days. Right now I am just playing a waiting game. Waiting for DH to get himself in for a SA. Waiting for my Dr to aprove giving me a referal to an RE. Waiting for my mom to stop telling me to relax. Waiting to come to terms with what I have.
Words don't really exspress the sense of loss I feel. Not feeling like a women doesn't even begin to touch how I feel most days. Right now I am just playing a waiting game. Waiting for DH to get himself in for a SA. Waiting for my Dr to aprove giving me a referal to an RE. Waiting for my mom to stop telling me to relax. Waiting to come to terms with what I have.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
thinking about adoption
Desperate Housewives just ended and it was a sad one. Not because anyone died or got bad news. Actually at the end we find out that Lenette's cancer is gone. But Bree's daughter who has been out of town due to her teen pg returns and has the baby. Her last scene is of her giving the baby to her mom to raise and saying how hard it is. I was near tears to begin with and DH then thought that was the moment to kiss me on the head. I stoped him because any affection at that moment would have made me cry. Why he doesn't understand how much this hurts is beyond me. Honestly I am not a good actor so either he is totally blind or ignoring my pain. Either way it is hurtful. Our marriage is having issues and I think therapy is in order. I plan on calling our medical insurance in the am to see what is covered. I love him but I feel alone.
I think I have come up with an end date for us trying. If not pg by December of 2009 I think we will put in papers to adopt. That is 2.5 years of trying with 'normal cycles' and it is long enough to wait in my mind. I haven't said anything to DH because for him I am sure it is to soon to give an end date but for me I need to know that my mind won't be consumed with this forever.
I think I have come up with an end date for us trying. If not pg by December of 2009 I think we will put in papers to adopt. That is 2.5 years of trying with 'normal cycles' and it is long enough to wait in my mind. I haven't said anything to DH because for him I am sure it is to soon to give an end date but for me I need to know that my mind won't be consumed with this forever.
If AF is 2 weeks late...
Our dinner party last night went off smoothly and while I know one of my friends didn't have as good of time as the rest of us I could honestly care less. We all tried including her and she didn't want to have fun, so she didn't. But the good news is that no one asked us about babies!!!! Now if only Thanksgiving will go as smoothly! Fingers crossed DH's family got the hint last week and BACKS off!
I am now on cd21! Only 10 days till AF shows! hahahaha
I have deiced that this cycle AF will show. Sure we had great timing and the sex was great. Yes I drank and relaxed but if charting didn't work then why the hell would this. Of course I would be thrilled to be wrong, but I have decide to keep drinking and eating smelly cheese until I am late. It won't hurt the baby even if I am pg because I won't be sharing nutrients until AF is weeks late. And if AF is 2 weeks late you can bet I am testing!
I am now on cd21! Only 10 days till AF shows! hahahaha
I have deiced that this cycle AF will show. Sure we had great timing and the sex was great. Yes I drank and relaxed but if charting didn't work then why the hell would this. Of course I would be thrilled to be wrong, but I have decide to keep drinking and eating smelly cheese until I am late. It won't hurt the baby even if I am pg because I won't be sharing nutrients until AF is weeks late. And if AF is 2 weeks late you can bet I am testing!
Friday, November 2, 2007
Update
This last Saturday was AWFUL. We had a 4yrold B-Day party to attend. Everyone asked us "when..." I hated it and so did DH. We were numb on the car ride home it was so bad. T-ttc sucks! But I don't have to tell you that.
Today is Friday and R and I have fought all week. Our dinner party is tomorow and all I want to do is hang out with Shanshan and drink. Hopefully Shan and Holly will come and we can all drink together. At least that will be fun.
I am so sick of our friends D&B. They have a 1 1/2 year old and treat him like an apendage. It makes me sick and I want to yell at them for being bad parents, but I don't. They have no idea we are trying.
I am currently about 5 dpo but am pretending we are still in the 'fertial zone' with DH. That has been hard since we have been fighting. But part of me likes forcing him to have sex. I know that is awful, but it is true and if I can't share it here then where can I share it. Today we finally cleared the air. It felt good to feel like a team again. Even though I still want to yell at him when he enters the room. I am such a bitch!
This will be my last 2ww this year since next cycle I will be "not ttc". So hopefuly all the relaxing worked. GL to me!
Today is Friday and R and I have fought all week. Our dinner party is tomorow and all I want to do is hang out with Shanshan and drink. Hopefully Shan and Holly will come and we can all drink together. At least that will be fun.
I am so sick of our friends D&B. They have a 1 1/2 year old and treat him like an apendage. It makes me sick and I want to yell at them for being bad parents, but I don't. They have no idea we are trying.
I am currently about 5 dpo but am pretending we are still in the 'fertial zone' with DH. That has been hard since we have been fighting. But part of me likes forcing him to have sex. I know that is awful, but it is true and if I can't share it here then where can I share it. Today we finally cleared the air. It felt good to feel like a team again. Even though I still want to yell at him when he enters the room. I am such a bitch!
This will be my last 2ww this year since next cycle I will be "not ttc". So hopefuly all the relaxing worked. GL to me!
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