Monday, May 19, 2008

They will never understand me if they don’t know

I have always been an open book about almost everything, you want to talk about sex, politics, romance, infertility or my deepest fears, and I'll talk I just need you to be open and honest too. This is always the first thing R mentions about me when asked why he fell in love with me. It is something many people like about me and something others don’t. I am okay with that.

However when it comes to my in-laws I feel conflicted. The person I am and how their family is are very different and to say they don’t mesh well is an understatement. I have spent the last four (almost five) years of my life with R and during that time have learned that unless asked I should just keep my mouth shut.

Well that just hasn’t worked for me. I want it to but it doesn’t. His parents have no clue about the person I am. I love them, they may even love me but they don’t like me. I am to straight forward, and blunt for their passive aggressive ways.

Much of the time this all really doesn’t matter. R claims to be close with his parents but his mom lives 2,000 miles away and they talk about once maybe twice a month. R and his dad speak less than that and he lives 20 minutes away, less than 15 miles from our house. Since the beginning of '08 R has seen his dad 2 times this year and talked on the phone maybe three times. I haven’t seen his dad since X-Mas. But if you ask R his family is “really close and tight knit”. Umm YA RIGHT!

But the point of me telling you all this is that while I have been fairly open about our IF, R hasn’t and even now with us pg, he still doesn’t want to be. Part of this is that I am okay with being the poster girl for IF and he isn’t. Part of it is that R doesn’t want to tell his folks about our “trouble”. He says it isn’t about what they would think but that it is none of their bussness, and I think well maybe not but it is a HUGE part of US. Of WHO we are and WHY we are so happy about the baby.

I have agreed to keep my mouth shut to his family but I question the rational. He wants me to be closer to his family, but the way I do that is by sharing a part of who I am. I simply don’t know how to have a relationship with people who know nothing about me. Please tell me HOW DO I DO THAT?


hopefaithlove said...

I could have written this post, I am also an open book, most of my family knows about our IF and we have NOT informed ILs yet. I never think we will b/c my DH would not want us to. He also claims tight family when for the last 10 years they have been distant, I am not complaining.

Echloe said...

I think you are sort of in a good situation since it sounds like R doesn't talk to his parents much. Since you don't see them having any kind of real relationship will probably be hard. I don't know how you can get closer to them in this situation. Maybe the birth of their grandchild will bond them to you in a way that will help.

Lisa said...

It's a tough situation. Glenn's family knows about our struggles, but, I certainly don't go to the level of detail as I do with my mom and aunt, not because Glenn doesn't want me to, but more because they just wouldn't understand it as well. But, if he didn't want me to talk about it at all with them, that would be very difficult, although it might be nice not to get some of the stupid questions I get from them!

~Jess said...

Families are never easy. My parents know about the outcome of DH's biopsy, we still haven't told his parents because his mother will not respect our wishes to keep things on the DL (again).

We're probably going to go ahead with donor sperm, but we're now deciding who we tell and who we don't tell. We don't want it to be some big secret, but we don't want it to be common knowledge (male pride etc).

At least, for you, you don't have to put on a "show" very often with them. That's how DH's family is...everything is a performance. I'm an open look, but I've been made to feel dumb one too many times by them.

Good luck with them! :-)

Sasha & Mark said...

With DH's family, I let DH take the lead. They are very different than my family and just not emotional or empathetic about things. As a result, I don't rely on them like I do my own family. I don't have those kind of expectations of support.

When I tell them about IF, I get the sense they only want to hear the good things-- how it is all going to work and be just fine. They don't want to know or understand how hard the past 2+ years has been for us. DH doesn't even think the past 2+ years has been that bad.

So, people are just different.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I'm in the same situation. Ed's family doesn't even know we did our last FET let alone that I'm PG now. He has never wanted any of his family to know any of our IF troubles and gets pretty angry if his sisters ask anything about it. I am sure he was a bit embarassed that he couldn't "knock up his own wife". I bet it's harder on the guys than we think, and probably they buy into the "ignore it and it will go away". Meaning that if they don't talk about IF, it doesn't exist and all is just fine and dandy now that we're PG.

Busted said...

That does sound hard. It is always so strange to mix different types of families. I definitely think it's good that at least you don't see them a lot.