Friday, May 9, 2008

Okay NOW I am 6 weeks (update)

Today I turned six weeks. This week dragged on and on at points. It took forever to get through Sunday- Wednesday but Thursday flew by thankfully. Bunnies has been calling her pg symptoms "gifts" and I love that so I am copying her. Hopefully she doesn’t mind.

B.oobs my DDD are now over flowing not just my “sexy” bras but also my other ones. I got to admit I am not so fond of this gift, I realize MANY women LOVE it but I am already at a DDD how much bigger do they need to be. They also look like road maps and are very sensitive.

Nausea/Morning Sickness: It has calmed down some. Still not throwing up and now I can cook chicken again (Ya!). It seems to be the worst after a large meal so I try to snack all day, but I still like a large dinner so I am almost always nausea at night. I actually LIKE this gift, maybe it is the old wives tail about it meaning the pg is strong, and thus reassures me. What ever the reason I always get really happy when the nausea sets in.

Bloat: Still no weight change but now even my fat pants feel a little tight in the evening. It could be that anything constricting makes the nausea worse or it could be water weight. I don’t know.

This week my mom was telling me to relax enjoy that I am pg and not to concentrate on all the things that can go wrong. She didn’t understand that IF takes the expectation of good right out of a person. Getting pg is a given to most of the world, something my mom, grandmother, aunts, sister and many friends take for granted, something I assumed I could do easily till I reached 9 months without AF and NOT pg at all. It is something we are taught as children, is natural and as teenagers are taught to fear because “it only takes once”.

But what happens when it doesn’t “take just once”, what happens to our self confidence, our perception of life when conceiving is hard? Bitterness, anger, frustration and lots of FEAR. But that fear doesn’t go away because you get a positive beta, or a u/s with a heartbeat. It lessens maybe for a moment but it doesn’t go away.

My mom thinks I am worried because I read so many blogs were things do go wrong. She tells me she always knew something could go wrong but also knew in her heart it wouldn’t happen to her. Her tone implies that my worry means something bad will happen although she insists she doesn’t mean it like that.

I would love to relax, to not worry about the u/s on Monday to be able to tell more family and friends without overwhelming fear of having to take it back. But I can’t. I am fearful not because I read blogs about loss, loss isn’t contagious. I am fearful because the one thing I assumed would be easy in life wasn’t and thus why should anything else be?

I would like to say mom understands this but I am not sure she does. As for when I will stop worrying I feel like asking my mom: ”Have you stopped worrying about your children yet?”

This week with Baby:
Baby is now the size of sweet pea or a lentil bean. Her brain and spinal cord are continuing to develop and she is sprouting what will become arms and legs. Her nose ears and mouth are taking form as well. Her heart will be beating between 100 and 160 beats a minute, which is why I am so looking forward to the u/s on Monday.
People keep pointing out that when I talk about the embie/baby I say 'she'. I don't know the gender of the embie and since it is not yet a fetus let alone baby I like to say 'she', IT just doesn't do it for me. So I call the baby 'she'. This doesn't mean I think it is a girl though, I have no idea what gender I am having.
As for the how many question: Mother's intuition says one and only one. But I could be wrong, the likely hood there is two in there is 10%. The likely hood of three or more? Lets just say my RE(and the WHOLE practice) has NEVER had triplets or higher from Femara or Clomid. So slim to none but still possible.


Echloe said...

I love what you wrote about IF taking the expectation of good right out of a person. If I ever manage to get pregnant I'm sure I'll be like you. I can't wait for MS. I'm so looking forward to it, since I too believe that it is a good sign. Enjoy it hun. I'm sure your little one is hanging in tight for a long stay.

Rachel said...

I think your post is exactly on point. It's not that learning about other people's experiences makes us more afraid, it's that our IF makes us realize how tenuous this whole process is. And it makes it really hard to trust your body.

I'm glad your 'symptoms' are so clear!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you are enjoying your "gifts". You deserve them :)

I understand your worries, and I worry with you, but with all the positive thoughts coming your way, I just know there is something good happening inside of you that will be there for a good long 9 months.

Why do you call it a her? You can't know for sure yet, can you? Also, do you already know it is just one heartbeat or two?
I'm so excited for you and think of you often.

Amandalyn717 said...

You look fabulous! Congratulations, how exciting! Thanks for the words of encouragement the other day. Have a great weekend and have a great time at the u/s!

Tina623 said...

Watch about that intuition thingy. Remember I thought one and I thought boy :). I was wrong on both counts. Whatever you end up with I know you'll be thrilled and I am very happy for you!

~Jess said...

YAY for SYMPTOMS!! Hopefully they stick around, but aren't too horrible.

I'm praying for you guys :-)