Not Out Yet

I promise this will be a post too but A Journey of a Lifetime if you would PLEASE email me a kittylove516 at yahoo dot com I can answer your questions about IF resources online. My favorite one of which is on thenest.com and called the t-ttc board. Okay now my real post.



Over and over people keep asking me if we are 'out' yet about the pg. It seems that once you hit 12 weeks everyone expects that you will give up the goods and tell everyone. Most days and I really do mean MOST days as in 5/7 I feel okay telling the whole world. That is as long as I can do it one person at a time. But news such as this doesn't travel like that, it travels like wild fire. So while R and I have made leaps and bounds in telling people, D and B R's best man and wife found out on Sunday, my maternal grandmother will find out this week people such as, oh R's PARENTS still don't know.



To be honest this is not at all R's fault, but it isn't entirely mine either. R's parents are divorced, and his mom can't and his dad won't keep secrets. So they have made it to the bottom of the pile for who knows about the pg. And since telling them amounts to telling around 50 people I am very hesitant about doing so. It isn't about still being scared of losing the baby, our risk at the moment is somewhere around 3% and in a week it goes down to 2% but never does go down much further than that. It is about having that many people find out at once and their reactions.



To be fair R's mom is going to be thrilled, just today she mentioned to R how she longs to be a grandmother. I know she will be happy for us. R is even worried she will be so excited upon hearing the news she will jump up and down and hurt herself, a realistic fear given her feet have had three surgeries in two years and are getting another in November. Nope who I really don't want to tell is R's dad, Pete.



Pete's reaction to our news of engagement was less than thrilled. We had dated a year and half, R was 30 years old and he had a good job but new. Somehow though the news of our engagement was shocking. We told Pete and his third wife and they sat across the table stunned. I finally said "I'm not pg, if that is what you are thinking" They both laughed nervously before launching into a funny story about a friend. It was a good 5-10 minutes before either said congratulations. And before they said that they asked where my ring was, it was getting sized we told them and they told us it didn't seem official till I had a ring. Weeks later ring on finger they saw us and told us they were happy, but I don't think R or I ever really believed them.



Because of our past experience R and I are a little hesitant about telling them. It isn't that we don't want them to know but that we don't want them to rain on our parade. We are beyond thrilled to be pg. For them not to be happy for us would break R's heart, and mine too. So we keep waiting, me trying to avoid my husband's heart breaking without telling him that is what I am worried about, R trying to understand my need for secrecy just a little longer.

Side note: I wrote this in the am but didn't post because I got bussy. Then around 1 I started cramping. The got bad, I mean REALLY bad but no spotting. I called the Dr and they wanted me to come in. It was the sameDr I saw for my dizzyness. As soon as he saw me he said "lets just do an u/s". My kind of Dr! Baby looked great h/b strong andmy cervix is still nice and closed. Whoo hoo. However when the cramping started I was so thankful R's parents didn't know yet. We might be pushing back telling another week. We will see what the rest of this week brings.

9 Weeks

We now have a grape! How exciting!?! Honestly I am looking forward to when she is the size of something substantial, like maybe a squash? or a pineapple? Till then it kind of feel like baby steps. Of course I am thankful for the baby steps but just SO ready to be 12-15 weeks. Ready to be able to use my doppler, and be able to check on baby more than just once a week or every other week.

We did get another peak today. It was my first visit with Kaiser and I saw a midwife (YA!). I didn't tell them I have already had two u/s, naughty of me I am sure but I didn't want to risk them saying I couldn't have another. I paced in the waiting room with my mom and R. (Did I mention Mom tagged along for a peek? Well she did.) And when they took me back they made them wait in the waiting room. Umm.... BAD IDEA! I sat in the chair and had a panic attack. A full blown nearly hyperventilated panic attack. I told them needed my husband NOW. The next thing I knew he was there.

R is really amazing, I mean really really amazing. He held me I cried a little but I instantly calmed down. My blood pressure returned to normal and we were able to continue. It took forever for them to get me a room and then another 5 minutes before the MW came in. I begged for her to just do the u/s but she had questions first. I answered them all and then it was down to business.

For someone who knew I was an IF patient she sure treated me with kid gloves. She wanted to do an abdomen u/s but I told her I would FREAK if she couldn't find it on that so PLEASE use the internal. She seemed shocked but obliged, she said most women hate internals, I told her me and Mr. wand were old friends. ;) She toke her time and I told her lets just do this and she finally got the wand in there and stared to find the baby. It took her a second, much longer than it took my RE, and we saw the heart beating! I love that, just love that! The OB's sonogram SUCKED, it takes awful pictures and baby was trying to hid from the camera. The MW couldn't get a h/b count off the machine but it looked about 150. NORMAL! Baby measured 8w5d but was curled toward the wand so she said it wasn't accurate. WHY must K.aiser use out dated technology? Don't they make billions a year?

I asked a million questions to her, most about birth and getting further along. I am still terrified of something going wrong but every week brings me closer to the end of the first tri. Once there I feel like I will be able to breath again.

My 'gifts' are almost all gone or at least they don't show up daily. This is a mixed blessing, but at least I can eat and feel better again. I still don't have much energy. Getting to the gym twice a week is hard at times and I like my naps but I feel good and am doing better. Sorry to all my IF girls still in trenches who had to read my complaining.

My BFF, Shan became an Auntie this week! I am so excited for her. I know she will love being an auntie. Sad to say but when she was here this week visiting me I still couldn't look at the big pg belly pics of her sis. IF still hurts to much, it is selfish but that is still my reality.

Also I told my sis today. I REALLY didn't want to but truth be told I don't think I ever would have wanted to. Our relationship is to stressed, and we just can't relate. She was happy for us, genuinely happy. But, (you knew there was a BUT coming) she said something that bothered me at the end. She said " I know how much more this means because you tried so long" and then "I can relate" REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? YOU can relate? You? HOW? Seriously HOW can you relate. You got pg the second month with number one and the third with number two. I just don't think that compairs to over a year (almost 1.5), and a DR in your hoo-ha when you conceive. I mean really does it?

Tomorrow we are telling Liz who was my MOH (maid of honor), and on Sunday we are telling Pop (R's ex-step-dad). I am excited but nervous. On Tuesday be sure to check in for a BUNCH of pictures!

1st U/S Yesterday

Yesterday was our first u/s and everything went very well. I was a complete mess before and nearly had a panic attack in the waiting room but it all turned out to be fine. The Dr said that the baby was measuring right on track and we saw a little flicker of a heartbeat. There was just one, R is very happy and relived about that. I am fine. Twins would be nice but R would be such a wreck and so worried about the pg, birth and then care that one is truly better. After the u/s I did feel better for about an hour and then I was worried again. I can't explain it but I am still worried. I try not to but I am.

Part of the problem is that one the sac wasn't perfectly round it was obgloned shaped. I haven't googled it and won't because I know what I will read will be AWFUL news. My Dr isn't concerned so I shouldn't be right? But I am. Then sometimes (but not always) they can count the beats per minute of the heart at 6weeks, I feel into the couldn't group and that has me worried too.

I am a worrier by nature so this shouldn't surprise those of you who know me but it sucks to be worried. Most pg ladies would not have betas or u/s this early but they also wouldn't know about all the bad things either, or how common they are.

As I have said before IF strips away your belief that everything will be okay and replaces it with fear and anxiety. I would love to say the 2nd trimester will be better but somehow I don't think so. Maybe I will relax when she hits kindergarten?