Thursday, February 21, 2008

Stupid Comments!

I am too pissed about this comment on my blog to respond so why don't all of you do it for me:

"I really hope it happens for you soon! I don't think writing a blog about not succeeding will help though. You have much more of a chance if you just forget about it and relax - I know how hard that is, and writing probably makes you feel that you are actually "doing" something about it, but this way you are just analysing and obsessing all the time. I wish you every luck, you deserve it!"

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Actually, if you 'knew how hard it is' you would not have dished out the "Just relax it will happen" comment.

Trust me at no time did my Dr. (That's the person who went to school and specializes in infertility) ever tell me the solution to my problems was to relax!

Some of us have bonified medical reasons for not getting pregnant. Nothing that relaxing would solve.

Sasha said...

If I forgot about TTC and just relaxed, I would have zero chance of getting PG. I'm on my second surgery and no amount of relaxing was going to fix my uterus.

And incidentally, writing a blog is excellent therapy and probably is helping her deal with these emotions in a positive way. So you are wrong to suggest writing this blog is not going to help.

I think you may have been trying to be nice or helpful, but you should not be giving advice on this subject.

pumpkin said...

"writing probably makes you feel that you are actually "doing" something about it, but this way you are just analysing and obsessing all the time."

-Just wanted to let you know that you blogging IS doing something, it is giving support for yourself and us other girls who cannot get pregnant.

Anonymous said...

That's just like saying to a cancer patient "Relax and the tumor will go away." Please.

You're an idiot.

Weighing in w/ my .02 said...

(I hope that reader takes to heart number 1 on the list. RELAXING does not make infertile couples magically pregnant! IT'S A MYTH! That's equivanelt of telling somebody out of work to play the lottery because, hey, somebody has to win it right?

5 Things NOT to Say to Infertile Couples (By Sarah Aarssen)

(and some better alternative suggestions in italics)

Firstly, please don’t mis-interpret the meaning of this writing. It isn't to yell at you if you have said any of these things in the past or verbally spank you. It isn't to make you feel bad for having said the wrong thing before. It isn't because infertile couples are pissed at the world. The point of my writing this is to give you, your friends, your loved ones a little insight on how your words may actually come out, although they are said with the greatest of intentions.


Most of the things below have been said to me and other infertile couples by people who absolutely love us, by people who wish nothing but goodness for us, by friends and relatives who care for us deeply. Do I think people say these things out of malice? Absolutely not. I think people have pure hearts when they give the advice they give below, but no matter how good your intentions, sometimes it's just not the right thing to say.



So please read this knowing that I am writing this not to make you feel bad but in order to spare another infertile person from having their feelings stepped on. I am writing this in order to help you understand how painful infertility is and how you can help ease that pain if even just a little bit. I am writing to spread the word. Please do the same. Copy this, hand it out, send it to others, send it in an e mail, put it on a bumper sticker. In this day and age we all know or will know somebody who will have fertility issues.



1) "Just relax and it will happen." or "Maybe you're trying to hard." or "Maybe you guys should just get drunk and take a vacation, that's how it happened for ______." Those statements sting, aren’t always true and are very hurtful when you are honestly infertile (explained or unexplained). Telling a couple to relax places blame on the couple, as if it is their fault for not getting pregnant. (if you weren't so worried you'd get pregnant). It also minimizes the couples concerns/fears and feels like you're blowing their fears of never having a child off. (quit your crying, it will happen. RELAX!) Basically that statement says to me “Geesh infertile friend, if you didn’t WANT a baby so badly you surely would have one by now.”


Don't tell the story of the one couple who adopted and then got pregnant right after. This is another version of the "relax" comment. You have to realize that that is NOT the norm. You hear about it because it's unusual. It's like telling somebody out of work not to look for a job because they could win the lottery.


No amount of relaxing would have gotten me or the millions of other couples who suffer with fertility issues pregnant. Infertility is (often times) a health issue that requires action. You don't relax to get rid of pneumonia and you don't relax to deal with infertility.


A more appropriate response would be something like, "Wow that's really awful you're having such a hard time." or "I hope things turn around for you quickly." or even just "Geesh (insert infertile friends name) that really sucks, you guys don't deserve that at all."






2) Be careful how you bring God into it no matter how harmless you think your statement is or how strong your faith in God is or how much you absolutely believe in what you’re saying. Try not to say things like "Everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan, you have to be patient" or "God never gives you more than you can handle."


Although you really do have GREAT intentions and are trying to justify or make sense of something that doesn’t make sense, these statements are hurtful and frustrating. When somebody says to me that "everything happens for a reason" I think “what the heck did I do to deserve this then?" or "Why does God give a 13 year old a baby but not me?" or "Why does that crack head have a child but we can’t have one?” It doesn't help me have peace, which is what I think the intention is... it's like saying "oh well" and shrugging your shoulders.


Also keep in mind that not everybody is on the same page with God as you are. Believe it or not, fertility issues can even shake a person’s faith. Unless you know the person has the same faith as you (goes to your church perhaps) these statements should be avoided.


If you do have a strong faith in God then that is truly wonderful. I don’t know anybody (and I have asked around) who is offended by a person offering to pray for them.


Alternatives to the abovementioned could be something like "I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I will pray for you." or "That must be so hard to go through, I will pray for strength for you and your husband." or "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers." I loved when one person said to me “I will pray for strength, peace and healing for you and your husband. I will also pray for your doctors.” Basically pray for me, say prayers, offer prayers, but never try to predict what God is planning for me.



3) Be encouraging without direct comparisons to other infertile couples. I have had numerous people say things like "yeah my cousin had problems too, they gave her clomid and she was pregnant 3 cycles later. It'll happen for you." Well since I am ovulating just fine I don't think clomid will do anything at all. Another helpful soul said "hey look at so and so, it took them 4 years and then all the sudden BAM they were pregnant!" Four years and BAM? I don't want to wait 4 years to have a child, did you when you were having a kid? Four years equals about 55 cycles. If I went on 55 jobs interviews and didn't get one offer people would be more sympathetic and encouraging then they are then I try having a child for 55 cycles and failing. That's just a lot of failing.


Another extremely hurtful comment is "well if you can't there are always other alternatives" Yes, there are, but I just shared with you that we're having difficulties, I can't even wrap my head THAT sometimes let alone thinking about other alternatives right now. And let’s not forget the fact that we’d like to have our own biological child if at all possible. I want to see my own eyes looking back at me, smiling my husbands crooked smile.


Have you ever looked into adoption? It's not like you can just get in a line and order up one small child with a side of happiness. It's extremely costly, emotionally draining and sometimes doesn't even end in a child being placed in your arms. Please don't make the alternatives sound like easy peasey second nature. They are very tough emotional decisions.


Some alternatives to these phrases would be "That's really terrible news but I hear they’re making leaps and bounds in medicine these days, hopefully there is something out there that can help you guys." or "I'm sorry to hear, I know how badly you want to be parents. I'll be here to listen any time you need to talk." Anything that encourages without direct comparison to other couples is great.



4) Please do not tell me I should be thankful for what I have and to count my blessings. Just because I am telling you I am infertile does not mean I am not thankful for what I have. To say such a thing is insulting.


When you hear your best friends dad has cancer do you say "oh that's too bad, but look at how much other stuff you have?" No, of course not, so don't do it to somebody who just found out her lifelong dream of becoming a mother may not ever happen for her. And yes, some people do dream of being a parent all of their life, both men and women.


Alternatives to these types of statements are simple things like "I'm sorry, I know there isn't anything I can do, but just know I am here." Or “You’re good people, hopefully good things will come.”



5) Do not say you know how I feel if you have not had fertility issues yourself, because honestly, you don't know how I feel. And REALLY don't say that if you already have kids.


I used to think I could really sympathize with women who couldn't have kids. I honestly thought I could feel a little bit of what they were going through. I could IMAGINE how hard it would be to deal with that... then I actually lived it.


I will tell you it was NOTHING like I thought it would feel like. It was not at all what I imagined those other couples to be feeling. It was worse. It is indescribable and unimaginable. I had NO IDEA what it felt like until I heard those words from the doctor. As heartfelt as I thought I was being before, living through it made me realize how little I actually could relate in the past.


Alternatives are things like “God I can’t imagine how that must feel. That's really bad news.” Or “I know I could never understand how that must feel for you guys, but I am very sorry.” Even “my heart is breaking for you guys” is a nice alternative if that is how you really do feel.



I don't mean you have to walk on eggshells with me or other infertile couples, really don't. But please think before you say anything and if you are even in doubt a simple "I'm so sorry (insert infertile's name)" is so much better and often times much more welcome.

LovingLife_06 said...

I apologize if this is very wordy and hard to follow. I'm really struggling to turn the emotions I am feeling right now into words.....

I am really shocked that someone could/would write a comment like that. I guarantee you that ALL of us TTTCers would LOVE to just relax and amazingly become pregnant, but it does not work that way. For a lot of us IF ends up pretty much running our lives. It is something we all constantly think about and that will never change. I truly believe that if you were dealing with IF like the rest of us you NEVER would have written that comment.

Reading the different blogs out there about other women's personal stuggle and journey with IF is a lifesaver for myself and others. And, I know that writing the blogs is a form of therapy for these women. So, yes, she IS doing something to help and not only is she helping herself, she is helping many other women as well!

ONE OUT OF SIX said...

Only someone who is very uninformed - and who knows NOTHING about infertility would suggest that "relaxing" is actually going to do the trick. And to go so far as to suggest the person who is struggling is at fault - because they are "obsessing" and not relaxing - that is beyond uninformed - it is meanspirited, it is rude and it is flat out WRONG. Suffice to say - the person who wrote that is .. an idiot.

So sorry you had be subjected to such total idiocy. As if infertility isn't stressful enough - then some ass comes along and tells you it's your fault because you're not relaxed enough.

SHUT UP IDIOT!!

ok .. i'm done.

Anonymous said...

What "one out of six" said.

I'm a fertile and I know that the whole 'relax and will happen' myth is a load of crap.

I relaxed my first few cycles. Didn't get pregnant. It wasn't until I charted, used OPKs, and started taking guaifenesin, green tea capsules, evening primrose oil and other such things did I get my BFP.

Keep your rotten, nasty assvice to yourself.

Busted said...

Why are people this stupid? Most women with infertility have a medically diagnosed issue which is preventing them from getting pregnant. "Relaxing" will not cause someone who does not ovualate to do so. "Relaxing" does not cause your husband's sperm to magically become the right shape or to multiply. "Relaxing" does not reopen or re-generate closed or removed tubes. "Relaxing" does not reverse anti-clotting disorders that cause some women's bodies to reject their conceived embryos.

Get a freaking clue before you offer unsolicited advice that is more harmful than helpful.

Those stories you hear about women who tried for X years and nothing worked and then stopped trying/adopted and magically got pregnant? The reason they are passed on so prolifically is because they are SO abnormal and unique.

Fran said...

"Just Relax" is one of the most offensive things you can say to someone who is infertile. It puts the blame on them...as if somehow it's all their fault, when it's actually a medical condition. And saying that pretty much just makes you an asshole.

This blog is her way coping with her feelings, so STFU and keep your assvice to yourself....hth!

Emily said...

Perhaps the person who posted that comment should do a little research and maybe talk to a professional reproductive endocrinologist before spouting off for you to relax. Relaxing doesn't unblock tubes, thicken linings, lengthen luteal phases, help embryos implant, remove cysts from ovaries, force ovulation, create sperm that aren't there, or improve egg quality.

Sweetie, don't let an idiot's uneducated opinion upset you. That person obviously is opinionated and ignorant. Only an ignorant would say something so insensitive and unjustified to someone struggling.

If that person reads these comments I would like to tell that person to frickin' read a book on infertility or visit some infertility message boards. She/He clearly has no idea what it's like to be infertile. We don't spend thousands and thousands of dollars for something that could be cured if we relax. I'm pretty sure we all were relaxing until we realized (usually several, several months later) that we have an issue.

Wibbs said...

Oh, if only I had thought of relaxing! Geez, I could have saved thousands of dollars. Man, do I feel like an idiot!

You are doing something...you're seeing a DOCTOR!!!!

I'm sorry people say really stupid things sometimes.

irishdo said...

Oh, Of course...JUST RELAX! Why hasn't every infertile not thought of that already. You should write a book about infertility.

I am pretty sure relaxing will not unblock tubes, allow for ovulation or help increase the number or motility of sperm.

Maybe you thought you were being helpful, but not so much. If you would like to be helpful, please educate yourself on inferility and help rid the o so many misconceptions about conceiving a child.

The Wright's said...

who the hell is this??? incredible. everyone's said it well, but i really can't believe that someone would be so stupid. clearly, it has to be someone who has no background...or even common sense.

Deborah621 said...

"Just relaxing" and not "obsessing" will not change the fact that someone might have a medical condition that prevents them from getting pregnant. "Relaxing" will not cause my PCOS to go away. Telling someone to "relax" when they are going through infertility is just about the worst and most insensitive thing you can say, just in case you didn't get it by now! You sound very condescending and very ignorant at the same time!

Anonymous said...

Ok, this is HER blog. That means that she gets to say what SHE wants. Some people need a place to vent when they have difficulties in their life. What an idiotic comment you made. Think before you type next time, ok? You should apologize.

ggop said...

@ weighing in w/my 0.02,
Word!

I feel like cut pasting this and making flash cards for everytime someone says something insensitive :-)