Saturday, February 9, 2008

crying so hard it hurts

there issomething I have never told anyone, not R, not my friends not evenall of you in blog land. Back in June when I knew my anovulatory, with no menses cycles and they were a preventing me from getting pg, I joined the t-ttc board because BOTB was not helpful. So many of you were increadbly helpful and really helped me ask the right questions with my Dr and become knowlagable. I of course toldmy mom about all of you and how much I hoped youwould all get pg one day. Her responce "maybe those with IF aren't ment to get pg and have thier own children". responce is probably the same as yours. F u and WTF does this lady know.Butnow everytime AF comes and she isn't upsetor thinks I am overreacting I think ofthat comment, because if my own mom doesn't think I should be a parent thenmaybe I shouldn't. Idon't really belive that but it hurts none the same.


In my family I have always been the emotional one. Yes I am the oldest child and from my understanding that isabnormal for the first child to be the sensitive one but in our family I am. My mom is the 2nd youngest of 6 and she is a practical person. She may battle depression but she is not a cryer,not overly simpithtic and doesn't really understand myvery sensitve nature. She looks at it as a fault where as I seeit as a plus. Her and my sis could read Megan's story and not cry a tear. I call that cold hearted they see it as practical, and normal.


2nd admition: I am very jelous of my sis. She has such beautiful worderful children and she is so lucky that she can stay home, a luxury I know I won't get. So today as everything has seemed to fall apart around me, I did what I normally do, I cried. They (mom and sis) see this as weak and only made me further upset by provoking more tears by telling me so. When we got home (sis's house) I locked myself in the bathroom for a chat with my hubby.Mom bangs on the door telling me I am overreacting and being a wuss... and she is right. I am weak and over emotinal and right now the only thing I am living for is my sweet husband who would be derestated if I died.

No one seems to understand how much it takes for me to face each day. So if you read this PLEASE leave a comment. Remind me I am not alone, and that it will be okay because I don't think I can do this much longer.


avalikelava said...

You WILL be a mother!!!
And you WILL be a GREAT mother!

If IF couples were not intended to have children IF treatment would have never come to be. That's saying that 1/6 couples could permanently be denied a child of their own. It's bull.
Your mom is entitled to her opinion, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm glad R is there for you. I'm glad those kids are bringing you some joy.
Ignore the rest. It's irrelevant :)

Hang in there... and hugs.

Tina623 said...

You will be a mother. Where there's a will there is a way. My grandma comforted me by saying that God has given the gift of medicine to men and with that gift, I will be a mother. Nobody knows what God's plan for you is. My grandma also told me to use IF as a teaching from God and learn as much as I can from the expeirence.
PS...I've felt that way since the beginning! Oh I can't wait until I find out. The suspense is killing me!!

Sasha said...

Oh Ariel! I'm so sorry people aren't being sensitive to you. That is just awful. IF is hard enough without people who don't have any idea what a crisis it is telling you that you are weak.

You ARE NOT WEAK! It takes an incredible amount of strength to get through every disappointed cycle and still go onto the next one with hope. I have heard the stress level of women with IF is on the same order as people with a terminal illness. It is not something that you just get over.

You deserve compassion and empathy for what you are going through, not criticism. You will be a great mom, and most of the women who have gone through T-TTC do become mothers in some way or another. So she is just WRONG.

When do you come back? I hope very soon. I don't think I could take that environment much longer :(

KMB7 said...

You are not alone. They are not thinking about you at all, they are only thinking about themselves. It sounds to me that they have some unresolved issues and don't really want you to be happy.

If they wanted you to be happy then they would help you along the way with your dreams.




Deborah621 said...

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this right now hun! You are not a weak person, you are very strong! Only a strong person could go through all of this! It just proves even more that you will be a great mother one day!!!

Rachel said...

You WiLL be a mother.. and no one can tell you otherwise. I'm so sorry about all this...

Tarahville said...

I am so sorry you have to deal with their comments. I know that it hurts and I know that it sucks, but know that they are WRONG.

You're feelings are feelings, there is no right or wrong to your feelings. You feel what you want to feel and you own those feelings.

You are a wonderful, strong, beautiful woman and you will get through this. Your H is cheering for you, we're cheering for you and we are here to pick you up.

Don't let them get to you honey. I know that it is easier said that done, but they've never walked in your shoes. They do not know the hurt, the anger, the betrayal that you feel. Therefore they will never understand your feelings.

We are here for you and we love you and want you to succeed. You WILL be a mommy and DO NOT let anyone tell you otherwise!


Anonymous said...

Maybe in some sick way this is how she is trying to be strong for herself by not making it a big deal. I think you are very strong and will make a great mother someday. Don't let her get you down. I am a very emotional person as well but I figure it lets me have compassion something your mother lacks. I am sure there are a million great qualities that you have. Being emotional/practical is just one aspect of a person. I would remove myself from their presence for a while because no one deserves this type of emptional abuse.

Christa said...

Ariel, I'm so sorry you are going through this, don't let something your emotionless mother says get you down. It seems like she is very nonsupporting in your IF journey. I've learned those people just don't understand and never will. Please don't let her get you down!

dawnski said...

yes are not alone.

someone once told me...there is plan. there is something else that you should be doing right now, but it's definitely in the plan :)

nora said...

Ariel, Im so sorry you are having to deal with this. You are no where near weak..don't think that what you are feeling is the odd way to feel...I think that having no compassion is the really backwards way to be.
You are not alone..
and as everyone else has are going to be an amazing, thoughtful, caring mother!! just perfect :)
I hope so much it will be very soon for you!!

Kell*** said...

I am late on this, but PLEASE don't worry about being sensitive or that you won't be a parent- you WILL be and you were meant to be. I also get the jealousy factor with siblings- I'm in the exact same boat there. Go check out my blog if you want to feel better about yourself, and I do hope you feel better soon. Hang in there- we've all been there and some of us will be there forever, but at least we have each othere to understand- pay no attention to the thoughts of those who don't know...

Butterfly said...

Ariel, You will be a mother and you will be an awesome one! God has a plan for you and he will let you know what it is one of these days.

I am the sensitive one in my family also and I would prefer to be emotional and in touch with my feelings that cool and unemotional.

Hang in there and try and Let go Let God and it will all happen for you when you least expect it........I know we will be jumping for joy for you. Hey you could be 40 like me and want a baby so baby and only a few more years yet in a horribly bad situation. I think I will be visiting the sperm bank in nest year!! lol :-)


Anonymous said...

you're not alone, and you can do this. i feel you have more strength than you realize. one can be both emotional and strong. I hope you mom and sis grow to understand that!

Maria (MKC101103) said...

You are not alone. We are all here with you. We will cry with you and we will cheer you on.

Diana said...

Oh wow, how do you deal with a mom and sister like that? Answer, you go in the bathroom and cry and call your husband because is normal. It sounds like your mom and your sister are not, they are mean. I do not understand how they can be so cruel to you. I don't think it is worth it for you to visit your sister if this is what you are in for. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I think any NORMAL person in this situation would react very much like you have.

Heather.PNR said...

You're not alone. Hang in there.

And infertility has NOTHING to do with what kind of parent you will be or whether or not you're 'meant' to have children. It just doesn't.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like your mother has developed an unfeeling attitude towards pain, probably to protect herself in some way. You, in contrast, will not only be a mother (and you WILL be one), you'll be a better mother, a more compassionate and kind one, because of this experience and because you are able to be open with your emotions. Be strong, you can do this!

Amandalyn717 said...

HI! I don't know you or much of your story. I am just starting this IF journey and it is already hard. All of the girls on the T-TTC board are inspirational to anyone going down this path. You all are so strong and wonderful women! I wish you the best and know you will be a wonderful mother!