Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Last weekend and tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I have been counting down to for three weeks now. It is finally under 24 hours away and to say I am nervous is an understatment. Of course all of you by now are used to my worried rants. I would love to promise to be better once I hit 13w 3d but somehow I just know I will continue to worry past then. I am sorry to all my non-pg blog readers who put up with me. I remeber how frustrating it was to read blogs where women worried all the time and I thought "Don't you have a clue how lucky you are?"The answer is that yes I am lucky, not to mention eternally graitful for this, but being thankful only seems to worry me more. IF takes the rosie colored glasses off of you, and I think that transformation might be permanite.

The visitors this weekend went okay. Not great but not awful, at least I didn't kill anyone nor did I worry about my pg the whole time. It was rough sharing my house and husband with a woman who was obviously competing with me. I couldn't quite figure out why she felt the need to one up me the whole time but both her husband and mine commented about her behavior. At least I know I wasn't being sensitive because of the hormones, and she lives a 12 hour drive away so I don't have to deal with her often.

One moment this weekend I have felt the need to share has to do with shoping for a pg journal. I am using this blog at the momment to track things but would really like a journal too. So R and I have been on a quest for one. I found one I liked but it wanted belly pics from 1 week pg. I don't have those and so it is out. Then this weekend while in Monteray I found one I liked. I actually LOVED it. Only as I picked up the copy a second time I was paralized. Fear overwealmed me. I couldn't speak, or walk and tears were comming. I put down the book and nearly ran out of the store. R followed and after a few moments of tears and holding I exsplained that I still can't do that, it is to soon but that maybe in a few weeks I will buy it. He was understanding and we moved on. If he was a mind reader he would have snuck back without me noticing bought the book and hid it till I reached 13weeks 3days. But he is not and I know that. I also know that he didn't go back to get it because he didn't leave my side the rest of the day. I think he was afraid of me having another episode again.

Speaking of episodes I am having panic attacks again. I used to get them all the time in high school but they were mostly under control till 9-11 then they resurfaced and with the help of meds and relaxation teqniqes I learned to conqure them agian. They are back again. I have one a week at this point. Most are small, mild but some of them are larger. Almost all of them require me to get a hug or physical comfort of some kind to ground me. Thank god for good friends, a wonderful mom and R. I have been luck so far as to have someone around I trust to calm me down. I will be talking to my OB/midwife at my next appt about them. I would really rather not go back on drugs so I am hoping something herbal is safe.

That concludes this post, I will try to update tomorrow after the NT scan. I really would love to post a happy post tomorrow.

11 comments:

Tina623 said...

I wish I could say when the worry stops but it really doesn't. When you are not longer worried about there always being a heartbeat you start worrying about their growth and developement and then you worry about making it to your due date and it goes on and on :). You are grateful for being pregnant and worrying about your baby is something you will always do. I'm sorry your panic attacks are coming back. I was treating mine with meds until I wanted to do IVF and stopped. I've been reading a book about rationalizing your panics and I can't remember the name but it helped me a lot. My dh is sleeping in the room it is located but if you want, I'll comment again with the name. Best wishes tomorrow!

~M~ said...

Hugs for tomorrow! I look forward to hearing news of a great appointment!

hopefaithlove said...

GOOD LUCK WITH THE SCAN TOMORROW, looking forward to your happy post

Christina said...

::sending you lots of mental hugs::

Who Needs Patience? said...

Good luck tomorrow! I'll be thinking of you!

Maria (MKC101103) said...

Good luck at your NT scan today. I'll be waiting for your fabulous update!!!

ggop said...

Hi,
Lurker here just one week ahead of you :-) (I had my scan last Friday)

Good luck with the scan!
Don't forget to some water.

I completely understand your fears. Why not treat yourself to the journal once you are 13w 3 days?

Stephanie said...

I hope and pray that your scan goes weel today sweetie.

Patty H. said...

Worry is normal, and even if I'm not pg, I don't mind. I'm happy you are so aware and into this pregnancy. I have know women who wanted to just ignore their pg and just wait it out, as if it were something that could be replaced so easily if it didn't work out.
Good luck with your panic attacks. I'm sure you can find something herbal.

Jenny said...

Hey Arierl I hope all went well yesterday for your NT Scan. Im waiting for an update!

~Jess said...

Hey I hope your scan went well. I've been thinking about and praying for you.

I added some pictures to my blog, for the haircut.