12 Weeks and NT scan

NT scan went GREAT! Baby looks healthy and the measurement was 1.2 and 1.0 mm so well within normal! Our scan person was kinda rude to us. I explained I was nervous and she told me I had a long pg ahead of me if I kept it up. ummmm thanks? But I didn't ask your opinion.Baby was face up at first but then quickly moved. She looked a little like an alien but don't mention that to R because he immediately gets a picture of the movie Aliens where it pops out of the belly. She laid face down for the rest of the scan, perfect for getting the measurement not so great for getting cute pictures. I asked the lady about trying to see the face agian and she tried for a quick second but gave up since baby decided to cover her face with her hand. She is just like her daddy, and doesn't like getting pictures taken. She better grow out of that fast because I am a HUGE picture taker. R commented that baby is like me, sleeping on her tummy. Heartbeat was in the 160s today again. So everything looks good! For the first time since getting pg I felt happy and unworried for 48 hours straight. It was amazing feeling that good about the pg. Of course now I am back to my worry but that is why we ordered the doppler.

I ordered the doppler on Friday and it should arrive by next Friday just in time to be 13 week. If I don’t get it by Friday I will be convincing Ava to let me use hers on Saturday night when we visit. I am so excited to visit Ava and her hubby, they are wonderful people and Ava has the heart of an angel.

It is amazing to me that I have found a group of non-pety, supportive women such as Ava. I mean if you had told me in high school that the people I would find the most understanding of me were people I met online I would have called you a lier. Back then my life was filled with girls who were mean for laughs, who tortured the girls who weren’t as cool as them. I am so thankful for my nesties, particularly those on the t-ttc board. I wish there was a way I could help them with their dream to be a mom. And lately R and I have been talking about egg donation, and depending on how long it takes for number two it might be actually possible for me to do that. I need to think about it more and research it but I have a feeling it is in the cards for us. I just can’t imagine not paying this gift forward and unless we win the lotto giving people money for treatment isn’t going to be feasible for us.

Today baby is the size of a plum and weighs .50 of an ounce. She has every organ although not fully developed. Her intestines which grew so fast the last few weeks are now moving from the umbilical cord into her body cavity. In the last three weeks baby has also doubled her size.

Last weekend and tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I have been counting down to for three weeks now. It is finally under 24 hours away and to say I am nervous is an understatment. Of course all of you by now are used to my worried rants. I would love to promise to be better once I hit 13w 3d but somehow I just know I will continue to worry past then. I am sorry to all my non-pg blog readers who put up with me. I remeber how frustrating it was to read blogs where women worried all the time and I thought "Don't you have a clue how lucky you are?"The answer is that yes I am lucky, not to mention eternally graitful for this, but being thankful only seems to worry me more. IF takes the rosie colored glasses off of you, and I think that transformation might be permanite.

The visitors this weekend went okay. Not great but not awful, at least I didn't kill anyone nor did I worry about my pg the whole time. It was rough sharing my house and husband with a woman who was obviously competing with me. I couldn't quite figure out why she felt the need to one up me the whole time but both her husband and mine commented about her behavior. At least I know I wasn't being sensitive because of the hormones, and she lives a 12 hour drive away so I don't have to deal with her often.

One moment this weekend I have felt the need to share has to do with shoping for a pg journal. I am using this blog at the momment to track things but would really like a journal too. So R and I have been on a quest for one. I found one I liked but it wanted belly pics from 1 week pg. I don't have those and so it is out. Then this weekend while in Monteray I found one I liked. I actually LOVED it. Only as I picked up the copy a second time I was paralized. Fear overwealmed me. I couldn't speak, or walk and tears were comming. I put down the book and nearly ran out of the store. R followed and after a few moments of tears and holding I exsplained that I still can't do that, it is to soon but that maybe in a few weeks I will buy it. He was understanding and we moved on. If he was a mind reader he would have snuck back without me noticing bought the book and hid it till I reached 13weeks 3days. But he is not and I know that. I also know that he didn't go back to get it because he didn't leave my side the rest of the day. I think he was afraid of me having another episode again.

Speaking of episodes I am having panic attacks again. I used to get them all the time in high school but they were mostly under control till 9-11 then they resurfaced and with the help of meds and relaxation teqniqes I learned to conqure them agian. They are back again. I have one a week at this point. Most are small, mild but some of them are larger. Almost all of them require me to get a hug or physical comfort of some kind to ground me. Thank god for good friends, a wonderful mom and R. I have been luck so far as to have someone around I trust to calm me down. I will be talking to my OB/midwife at my next appt about them. I would really rather not go back on drugs so I am hoping something herbal is safe.

That concludes this post, I will try to update tomorrow after the NT scan. I really would love to post a happy post tomorrow.