Friday, June 6, 2008

10 Weeks!

Double Digits!! I am finally in the double digits, ya baby! Everyone keeps commenting how fast the weeks are flying by, um not for me. For me they seem to drag on and on. I am so happy to finally only have two weeks till I have my NT Scan and then another week until the second trimester!!

This week I noticed I have been more depressed. I have battled depression all my life. About 2 years ago DH and I were getting married. I talked to my Dr and we decided that after the wedding (July) I would go off my depression med. Our theory being to see if I still needed them BEFORE I got pg. I went off and was fine, for a while, until maybe January or February of this year. Look back to that time and you will see one depressed blogger. But I dragged myself out of it. This week and last I have felt pretty down in the dumps and last night I finally figured out why. Do you know what the next holiday is? If you said Father’s Day you would be correct. Okay so it isn’t a ‘real’ holiday but in our country it gets more air time than Cesar Chavez day does.

So where was I? Oh yes Father’s day. This may be my most hated day of the year. My father is still alive but we don’t talk much, um okay we haven’t spoken in 5 years almost now. It was and still is my choice to not have contact with him. We actually live in the same town, with the same zip code and use the same store to get all our food from. I can tell a few of you might be confused, if we live so close then why don’t we speak? Because he is an asshole, and that is me being nice about the situation. I could call him an abusive passive aggressive jerk whose needs to make others feel as small as possible in order to live with himself but I won’t, oops maybe I just did.

So he and I don’t talk and I don’t want to talk but a piece of me would love a real father. Yep, I know it is sick to be 26 years old and still need a father figure but I didn’t get it growing up and so I have always been envious of people who do have a good father. God did in many ways give me other people to make up for him, my mom, my two wonderful grandmothers, a youth minister who I looked up to as a dad in High School. But I am selfish, I want more. I want my linage not to come from such a heartless, mean cruel person.

But at least now that I realize I am depressed because of Father’s Day I can deal with it and move on. After all knowing you have a problem is half the battle, right?

Happier Things:

BABY THIS WEEK: Baby is the size of a small plum or kumquat! About 1.25-1.75 inches and now is big enough to be weighed (about 5 grams)! This week signals the end of the "embryonic stage" and the start of the "fetal period." And with it comes rapid growth spurts. The good news is that the critical stage of development is over, and there is very little risk of developing congenital malformations from this point on.

I am also happy to announce that while I do still have the gift of morning sickness in the afternoons I am beginning to handle it without to much complaint. Go me! I have two great tricks water and lifesavers, it seems as long as I keep swallowing I don't gag. I have heard m/s starts getting 'better' around this time in pg. OH nope not for me. I actually have more intense queasiness and gagging than a week ago. But keep my glass full of water and I will be fine.


april said...

OK, I know you dont know me, but listen up is NOT "sick" to be ANY age and still wish for a healthy relationship with a parent. I'm 32 and mourn everyday the fact that I dont have a healthy relationship with my mom. Your description of your dad sounds so much like my mom. Especially the part about him having to put people down to feel better about himself. Ditto!! Just this morning she had to pick apart the fact that I was getting my hair cut. Seriously? Who belittles their 32 year old "child" about a freaking haircut.

I'm not as brave as you are. I havent cut off contact with my mom, for the simple fact that she is my only link to my Dad, whom I adore.

You are doing what is best for you and that precious little miracle, by seeking a healthier life. Feel free to contact me if you ever need to vent, but dont ever put yourself down for needing and wanting to be healthy, ok? ((hugs))

Sasha & Mark said...

I don't have a relationship with my father either, though for different reasons. DH used to try to tell me stuff like "he's your dad-- he loves you..." He just didn't get it because his dad is a wonderful father. No, some dads are creeps who put no effort into their kids.

Anyway, reading your post, I can tell you are very angry with him. I hope you are able to feel better soon. Next year Father's Day will mean something quite different when your DH is a father! :)

Best wishes-- you are 25% there!

~Jess said...

Thanks for the info about your IUI protocol. I'm so scared to make the wrong decisions or a mistake with all this: So many variables.
I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I, too, think it's perfect natural to want to have a healthy relationship with one's parents: They are so much a part of who and what we are, and how happy we are in our lives. I'm thinking about you.
How exciting to think you're at 10 weeks. It does seem like it's going fast, but I'm not the one who's body it is. I can understand your side of it. Just think: You're a 1/4 of the way there.


Diana said...

I also had the kind of father that I stopped speaking with him in my early twenties. When he was found dead, I was a bit relieved because I wouldn't ever have to worry about inviting him to my wedding. I have long since forgiven him and now father's day has a new meaning. It is the day that my wonderful husband can celebrate being a father. I hope next year, father's take will take on a whole new meaning for you too!

Tina623 said...

Sorry you're feeling sad. Hurray for making it to 10 weeks!!! I hope it speeds up soon.

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

I'm sorry that you are struggling with depression, I know how it feels - I've struggled with it my whole life too. I've never celebrated Father's Day, I know how you feel. My father is a world-class Asshole too. Try to ignore the holiday, which is what I've done for years, except now I have to celebrete with my FIL.

I hope that the next 3 weeks fly by. I want my time to fly as well, I know time seems to drag on. I'm glad you are doing well otherwise.

Christina said...

your post made me giggle, as I have a bad relationship with my dad, too. i liked the "oops, maybe i just did," part. anyway, i hope that fathers day will be enjoyable for you this year since you'll be able to celebrate and plan something special from your little kumquat to daddy.