Saturday, August 2, 2008

Family Relations

What is family? Who is my family? In a world where families live thousands of miles maybe even oceans apart, what is family?

I have been asking myself this a lot recently. As we have talked about before I don’t have a relationship with my bio-dad. And while in the eyes of the law he is still my father, I certainly don’t see things that way. I am much closer to Pop. Pop or Bill is R’s ex-step dad, or his mom’s husband after she divorced his dad who she is now divorced from. In the eyes of the law R has NO legal relationship with Pop, they are “legal strangers”. But we see Pop almost once a week, we have him over for dinner, I give him hugs, he was the second “grandparent-to-be” we told we were pg. He is the ONLY one in R’s family that knows we had trouble getting here. But if R and I ended up in the hospital tomorrow (god forbid) my dad would be allowed into the ICU but Pop wouldn’t.

That is FUCKED UP!

To make matters worse, legally it is very hard to divorce a parent here in the state of CA unless you have thousands of dollars to spend. There is no “do it yourself” form or paperwork, believe me I have searched and searched for it. The process has yet to be defined on how to dissolve a parent child relationship once the child is over 18yrs of age.

I have spoken to two family lawyers, been down to the county court house a few times and still an no where closer to dissolving this relationship than I was years ago. The best I can do is protect my child, because I can’t protect ME! Yep that is right I can’t actually protect ME but I can my kids. So R and I are looking into that right now. Most likely a will stating that my father is to have no contact with my children, biological, or adopted will be enough to protect them, so that in the case of my death R will not be forced let him see our children. Because as odd as it sounds some parents are forced to allow contact between children and grandparents.

But what about me? The law has yet to find a way to protect what I want. A living will might protect me some but not completely.

And what about R and Pop? As hard as the reality is that my father might be allowed to visit me if I were in a coma, what is harder for me is that if R were the one in the Coma, Pop might not be allowed to visit. I would have to “vouch” for him and even then the hospital would be under no legal obligation to allow him to visit.

That our laws don’t protect us amazes me, horrifies me, out rages me. And yet I know some people; friends, acquaintances, coworkers, neighbors have it so much worse. At least my government recognizes my union, my marriage. What would you do if the law wouldn’t recognize your marriage? It is hard for me to understand just how painful that would be, and yet that is the reality for thousands of couples.

California gained the right for same sex couples to marry this year. Hallelujah! But it is being challenged and in November it will be up to us voters to recognize the love and unions these couples have and embrace it. PLEASE my fellow Californian’s EMBRACE it.


Lisa said...

I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. To think, as an adult, you can't make the decision to have someone completely out of your life. Unbelievable.

hopefaithlove said...

Just wanted to say I love the new look of your blog, very fresh!

Echloe said...

So sorry you have to deal with that. It is very unfortunate. But how nice that you can count on POP. And I think that if you really POP to have legal access he could legally adopt R. Ask your attorney about it.

Also, I dig the new look.
And I'll totally vote for marriage rights this fall.

Stephanie said...

I know exactly how you feel about your bio-father A. I too want nothing to do with him and you raise some very important points that I had not considered. I will have to look in to the legal separation from my bio-father, I want nothing to do with him and I don't want him anywhere near my kid(s).

Stephanie said...

I also love the new look of your blog, very fresh colors! Tomorrow is the BIG Day! I cannot wait for the big update!

Anonymous said...

I agreee. Total bullshit. XOXOX, Shan
PS: I like the old look better LOL