Parents

Well this week and last has been filled with lots of news on my t-ttc board. Lots of good and some bad. In two weeks though we have had something like 3 girls get pg on an 'off cycle'. One of whom is also adopting. I was grinning from ear to ear when I found out she was pg and since my mom was right next to me I told her why I was happy. Her response took all my joy away "see if you just relax". I fought her at first, told her the chances were low of relaxing ever playing a part. I wanted to tell her that this cycle I am relaxing about ttc. But I just gave up.

Why is it that I can't speak my mind to the woman who taught me how to speak my mind? Why is she the person who I have the hardest time talking to about ttc? I know why. I just don't like it. It is because she is who I hate letting down the most. It is because every part of me that isn't like her must be a part of my father, and that isn't acceptable to me or her. I miss the old days where my traits were my own, now their are theirs, something they fought over for soooooo long. And with him out of my life you would think the fighting would stop. But she still insists on bringing him up, on calling him "your father". Some days I wish adult children could divorce their parents (him not her) so that when someone said "your father" I could say "I don't have a father" and we could just leave it at that. But I have one and as much as it pisses me off Mom still calls him my "father" although he didn't earn the term.

But this blog is about my ttc not my parents so I have digressed to much. I did need to get that out though so if anyone is listening thanks for doing so. Goodnight!

A good day... even though it is sexless

As I read thought my friends' blogs one hit me over the head. She wrote how she realized her husband may never be a father, and how much that saddened her. While I understood her grief it made me think about my determination to be a parent. I have always said that if unable to get pg that we will adopt. It isn't the way I imagined creating our family but I could give up that dream if it meant not having to live childless. Today made me come to terms with that. I will be okay if my life includes only adoptive children. It will be sad, hard and I will cry a lot before we get there. But if we do get there, it will be okay.

I do wonder how people come to terms with choosing to live childless. I understand not wanting children, please don't get me wrong. But when couples who try for years to get pg, who spend 15,000 per cycle on IVF and still don't have children give up and don't pursue adoption.... I just don't understand that. We have friends who are living childless because they can't have children, and often I wonder how she came to terms with that, because I don't think I could ever come to terms with something like that. Often I want to ask her how she can get over something like IF. But I know that any questions would be intrusive and hurtful because I don't have the words to ask those questions with out them sounding like I am asking her "How could you kill your own mother?" Please don't think I am comparing killing my mom to living childless..... but in a way I am. In a way I see living childless as something of a death sentence. I shouldn't but I do.

One of my local nesties is adopting right now. She has been placed (matched) with a first mom and is waiting for the f mom to go into labor. I think of her daily. I know that if my life comes down to adoption I will have someone to guide me. I am thankful for that.



Other things on my mind today include:

Why is it that on CD9 DH doesn't want to have sex???? It is like he knows that I will be ovulating soon. Oh well I will just have to seduce him in the am.

in my own thoughts

Sorry last post was so short. Sadly this post will be short to since I really have nothing to share. AF came Sunday morning durring breakfast and that sucked but it is also nice to have a new beggining. I am trying to buy some bedding from a women down by San Jose, but just realized she lives even farther away than I thought. So now I am not sure I want it even though I love it and I have been looking for it for a while. But because I don't have a car it is going to be such a pain to have to come and get. So thats it for now just wandering through my thoughts at this point. I'll update when there is actually something to share next time.

BFN

So for those of you who may read this, ha like anyone reads this! I am not pg. So on to next month. For now thats I have, or want to share.

testing in the am

In the morning I am testing. After much internal debate about the subject I have decided to test in the am since I will be 14dpo. Of course now I am freaking out and want to change my mind but DH really wants me to test and I am dying to know. So here I go. Just for fun here are the top reasons it would be perfect to get a BFP this month.

10) I could tell my mom at dinner after she gets back from Washington.
9) I would be due in June before it gets incredibly hot.
8) I could do a semester of Grad school before the baby arrives.
7) I have been off depo a year!
6) I could personally debunk the relax theory because my stress level was so high this month.
5) I would be 26 when I give birth (the 'planned' age when I was just a kid).
4) DH would only be 33 and we would have a chance of having two kids before he is 35!
3) We could tell family for X-mas!
2) I would be one step closer to being a MOM!
1) I would get to be pregnant!!!!

So wish me luck!

I keep trying to ground myself.

I have spent the last few days on cloud nine. I keep thinking "I am pregnant until proven otherwise" but last night it hit me that on Saturday I will have to test and that if two lines don't appear I will be proven otherwise. That hit like a ton of bricks. Yes the 2ww is wonderful until it is about to end! And then reality bites you in the butt. You have to admit to yourself that this might not be THE cycle for you. That is crushing and so very sobering. And while you want to go back to the place you were just moments before the place where you thought "I am pg until proven otherwise"... you can't go back. Ever moment of thinking I am pg is ended by the crushing reality that you just don't know yet.

So now I enter the second phase of the 2ww the grounding phase. The phase where despite being blissfully happy about the possibility of being pg... despite te joy of having R touch your belly rubbing it and telling the embie to snuggle in safe...despite wanting for the joy to last, you must admit that it might not be. You have to prepair yourself for the disappointment of just seeing one line. And you talk yourself out of testing early like you had planned so that the disappointment is that AF is there not that once again there is just one line.

I keep trying to ground myself but I just don't want to. I want to be happy, I want to act as though I already know there will be two lines because as hard as disappointment is. Somehow trying to keep my self grounded is even harder right now.

Wow more good news!

Its another wonderful day in the neighborhood! I have good news AGAIN! My Angie Bracelet came in the mail and I am wearing it right now. I love it. LOOOVE it! Love it so much I don't want to take it off. But I know I need to because I don't even sleep with m wedding ring on! There is no way it won't bug me all night.

There was other good news. Oh yes! My BFF is going to be an aunt, a real auntie! I am thrilled for her. I know she is going to love it. My hope is that she can have two nieces to play with next summer, her sis's and mine. I am still wishing for my miracle!

My hopes are crazy high this cycle. I am talking to my belly and convinced that my lack of wanting to kill R this weekend must be a good sign. Also my boobs don't hurt, which they do right before AF shows, so even that I am taking as a good sign. I also have decided that if I am pg this cycle then I will tell our friends at our party on November 3rd. Don't worry I will tell all of you (hehe) first. That is the most wonderful thing about NO ONE reading my blog.

So we will see, by next Monday if it is forward and onward or if my miracle is found.

I Oed!!

Sorry it has been so long since my last post but I have been incredibly busy. I am thinking I should work my was from last post and then get current. So here we go.

After multiple break downs about wither on not I was going to ever ovulate this cylce Fertility Friend finally put in my ovulation date as the 28th. I was thrilled until my temp plummeted on Monday but FF still said I had Oed. I tried to be hopeful but couldn't so I called my OB and asked the nurse for a P4 test. He gave me this huge spiel about driving myself crazy and how he wouldn't do this every month. How it takes healthy couples about 6-9 months to get pg on average. I tuned him out. All I wanted to know was that he would give me the test, and he said he would this month so I was happy.

I went out to lunch with mom that day and told her about the test. She said while she is excited about knowing if I ovulate but that she wasn't going to get supper excited till I got a + pg test. I told her I was okay with that but in truth I was a little disappointed. I want her to be happy with me now! After all what if this is as good as it gets?

Thursday (yesterday) I went in to get blood work done. I wanted to call last night but didn't because I knew they might not have the results yet and that knowing they weren't in yet would somehow make waiting worse. I called today at about 10 am. We wanted anything above 10. I wanted something between 12 and 15. What I didn't want was 9.8 or anything like 10.1 because that would be to close and I would still question ovulation. So when she told me 13.2 I screamed!!! I literally screamed with joy. I told her I was so happy and thank you as if she had anything to do with my high numbers. Then I apologized for screaming. She told me it was okay and that she was happy she made my day. I wanted to reach into the phone and kiss her I was so happy. When I hung up I continued to do happy screams for a moment and then called R (husband). He was happy to get good news too. Of course this tells us nothing about pg but I am hopeful. And now I only have a week left until testing. Come on June Baby!!!