Friday, July 11, 2008

15 weeks with an edit note.

I won't lie, I have had an awful week. Baby is fine don't get me wrong but between having a history of depression and the pg hormones I am a mess. I cry everyday, sometimes twice a day. I cry from worry mostly and because normally I am a fairly sensitive person but hormones have increased that 10 fold. Today after meeting with a nurse/therapist R and I decided that two things need to happen. One I need to stop reading some of the blogs I currently read, basically all my ---edited to say loss rather than deadbabymama, since a reader felt this is an offensive term--- blogs. If you are one of them I am SO sorry for not being able to read. I really, really am but I need to get to a point where I can read them and not worry to the existent I am about me and this baby. I seem to be overly aware and in information overload of all the bad stuff that can happen. We have agreed to re evacuate how I am doing emotionally in two weeks and see where to go from there on blog reading. The second decision R and I made was no more reading What to Expect When Your Expecting. That book is not good for me at all.

I will be seeing the therapist again in a month, sooner if I need to. And she will do a phone consult any time if I need that. I have a history of depression and panic attacks so no one in my family is surprised that I am needing extra support right now. If you know me IRL and have the time and energy to offer the extra support R and I would love that. I think he is a smiggin overwhelmed with me right now. I have been asked what I am taking for the panic from a few people. The answer NOTHING. I will go on something once the baby is here and I am not breast feeding. Drugs are great and I don't mind them at all but the binifit for me doen't outweigh the risk for baby in my mind. Yes there are many class B anti depression anti anxiety drugs but no class A. This baby shouldn't have to be exsposed to class B drugs because something is wrong with me unless my or her (baby) life is in jepordy or one of us is ill. This is MY decission for THIS pregnancy but I do support other women who take meds durring a pregnancy and next pregnancy, if we are that blessed, I might make a diffrent choice but this is my choice right now.

In other Dr news I had a prenatal check up today. I had been having cramps and worried about a shortening cervix. My cervix is fine (I knew this but as stated above I've been a little panicked recently). I also am worried about Gestational Diabetes, since my glocose has been "high" before. I talked the the NP (nurse practitioner) and she agreed to test me early. So next week I have that test. I am not looking forward to it but it would explain so much if in fact I have it.

That is it for now. I hope all of you understand and will support me. Thanks for reading.

Note about the edit: To my loss bloggers. My sencerist appoligies if I offened you by using the term "deadbabymama". A few bloggers use this term in self referance and I had thought it was okay for me to use too. It wasn't sensitive of me and I was wrong, I realize that and hope you forgive me. I am leaving it as an edit note and not removing the term because I think ereasing it is like acting like it was never said. I don't think that is right so I am leaving this note. I hope those I offended forgive me. Those who "know" me from the boards know I would NEVER say something with the intention of hurting you. You have been through enough. Again I am sorry.


hopefaithlove said...

I can understand not wanting to read Some of the BLOGs, I am actually cutting back on my nest time b/c reading about all the BFP and BFN make me sad and full of anxiety.

shawna said...

We are so much alike sometimes. I have spent the morning crying after reading a few posts on the Nest. I have no great words of wisdom, or I would take them to heart for myself. I respect your decision not to take medication. You seem to be a good judge of how bad things are, and I also think that you would give in if it was absolutely necessary. I hope that the anxiety can be resolved on its own, or at least let up a little. Hang in there.

shiner said...

I sincerely hope deadbabymomma is a name for some group I am unaware of. If not your mocking my 3 dead babies is extremely infuriating and insensitive. I wish you the best with your pregnancy but you could have put that about a million better ways. Who's the "c" now?

Diana said...

Hugs to you sweetie, I hope you feel better soon and can get to a point where you can just enjoy the pregnancy.

Amy (MyColonyNJ) said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad lately. I hope you get the healing that you deserve!

Feel better soon. :)

ggop said...

I think the therapist is right. You are already anxious even when everything goes well, take care of yourself and put the blog reading on hold. A friend with multiple losses only recently started enjoying and relaxing into her pregnancy at 20+ weeks.

Good luck on the glucose tolerance test.

JGirl2005 said...

Ariel, I am like you. I try to spend less time on the forums especially the nest because they make me worry more. My DH doesn't like me reading so much online. He says it isn't helpful.
I TOTALLY understand if you need to stop reading my blog.
And I'm not offended when others use the word 'deadbabymamas'. Unfortunately, thers isn't a good word to use for this, but there is some positive spin in that there is acknowledgment that we are moms.
I'm really emotional this pregnancy, so I have tried to step back from online forums as much. I cry at commercials.
Take care, Ariel! I think you are so supportive of your online friends and I'll still keep checking in on you to see how you are.

Anonymous said...

I am not offended by the deadbabymama term. That is what I am after all. You should ignore "shiner's" comment below...this is your blog and you can say whatever you want.

I totally understand about not reading the loss blogs anymore (although, I will miss your comments). I intend to keep reading your blog though, and wishing you nothing but health and happiness.

Much love.

Anonymous said...

one more thing...I had to blog about the deadbabymama term...I think you should read it.

Anonymous said...

I think of you all the time and worry about you. I think it is great for you to worry a little bit more about you and less about what could happen. I am so proud of your decision and can't wait to see you on Sunday. XOXOXO, Shan

Tina623 said...

I commend you for going to therapy and making the decision to go without drugs for the healthiest baby. I used to take paxil and when I read the "what coulds" I decided I couldn't do that to my precious babies and that I would find another means to help myself. I chose therapy as well and it helped a lot. Therapy helped me enjoy my pregnancy and eased a lot of the anxieties I had about it. I agree, reading things does cause more panic, so maybe you should avoid. My ob tells me that all the time. "Stop Reading" and told my dh to take my books away. Anyway this is long ((((hugs)))) to you!!

Alison said...

Hey Ariel - glad things are going so well. I'm also glad to hear you're going to talk to a counselors - I know that type of assistance has helped me greatly during different times in my life.