Spaz Attack

So two nights ago I had a majorly emotional night. I was freaking out again... "what if I don't O" "what if something is wrong like R has ZERO sperm" what if" "what if" "what if"..... and I just wanted to cry. But I couldn't. I realized though that I felt out of control. There is nothing more I can do to improve our chances of getting pg. So I made up my plan. It is my What if plan. It has my next few steps. I am hoping to not need them as I am ovulating at any second. But I have them if I do, and that makes me feel better.

All the wrong things

So any day now I should Ovulate! I love this time of my cycle. It is hopeful and claming in a way. But tonight I want to focus on all the things that are really pissing me off right now.

First my mom. The woman who normally is my light, who before DH was my world, is really pissing me off. She just can't seem to say the right thing. First she had the nerve to tell me that maybe it was my negitive attitude which was causing us to not get pg. I had to tell her that there was no way that being relisitic was the problem. Next she tells me I shouldn't do Clomid because god forbid I should have twins. Umm, I hate to break it to all of you but I would LOVE twins. LOVE LOVE LOVE twins! Would it be hard YES but would I think it was a miracle YES! Then she goes on to tell me that modern medicine is why there are so many ladies who have IF. That if we didn't involve Drs then things like endo and PCOS would not exist in our society because acording to the laws of Darwinism, they would weed it out. SO here I sit trying not to cry because I truely do feel alone.

She loves my niece and nephew. Loves them so much and when my sister got pg at 18 becuase if she didn't then the Drs told her it would never happen. Mom did everything she could to support them. SHe even bought them OPKs. I wish she would do something like that for me. I wish she could see that this is causeing a rift in our relationship. Wish I knew how to make her see the other side of the coin, because she just doesn't see it right now.

If I could tell her anything right now it would be how much I want a child. That I wouldn't care if I had twins or what gender, that I would just love to have my own children. That I am ready to be a mom.

And if I couldn't tell her that then I wish I could tell her the right things to say because she already knows all the wrong things.

Timming BD

Hubby is in bed early tonight. Our neighbors are finally gone- they were evicted today- so he can get some much needed sleep. They have been keeping him up because they felt the best time to move was from 1am till 5am, but I am digressing. The only problem- tonight should be BD night! Yes it is only cd6 but we need to 'clear out the boys' so we have fresh swimmers for later. ;) He was so cute when he turned me down. He had no idea it was for baby purpose- and I was a good wife and let him keep thinking that! It is so funny what women do to keep their men from thinking sex is only about baby making. Believe me I love sex but keeping track of when to O and how to time sex just drains to joy out of it. Funny how something we love can become a chore if you "have to do it".

Welcome to my world!

I have no idea why I want to do this but I do. I want to start my own blog. It seems selfish and self centered in so many ways... I mean this blog is about me and only me... okay Gemma and Bella (our cats and babies for now) will be invloved too- but for the most part it will be about me. One day hopefully soon it will be about our Baby. Kaeliegh or Riley to be exact but for now it is about me... So to who ever happens to stumble across this as you search the world wide web welcome to Ariella World!