Earlier this year things were not very good with R. It wasn't that our relationship was in shambles. We have always loved and adored each other, but our communication wasn't great and both of us felt like we were always stuck between a hard place and a rock. In February, March and some of April we took a communication class through our insurance. It was possibly the best 200 dollars we ever spent. We learned a lot not just about ourselves, but about communication, what is important in a relationship and about what we both need as a couple to feel secure and safe.
We worked on talking and listening to each other about money, family, infertility, and so much more. Remember the post where I talked about having to chose between R and my mom? I can confidently say that now I will never have to make that choice. All three of us have worked really hard to make boundaries and a support system for everyone, so that we are all working together. So much has changed from then I hardly recognize the snuggly couple we have become, or rather reverted back to, since we were like this at the beginning of the relationship too.
We both understand that there are bumps in our path of life, and relationship but the way we view and handle the bumps is more of a team effort. We both feel a lot less stressed because we handle issues together. It is a huge change from the couple we once were.
This isn't to say we don't argue about things or occasionally fight but for the most part we are able to handle our disagreements through open communication, no tears, no screaming/yelling, and at the end we both feel as though we have "won". I always thought compromise had to be about giving in. Now I have learned that it is about seeing "winning" as what is best for us both, not just me.
All around me I am watching couples I love struggle, they fight over the stupid things, or don't talk at all or even agree on doing something one way and then do it the way "they" wanted instead. It is heartbreaking to watch, knowing that just 6 months ago we were in the same place, knowing how much better things can be with just 200 dollars spent on a 10 week course and a lot of effort.
Marriage is hard work, and sometimes it does suck but it doesn't have to. Some good skills can make it suck a lot less. So if you are reading this and have been thinking about talking to your partner about a communication class, stop thinking about it and do it. It doesn't cure the issues but it will give you the tools to do so.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Bradley Method as a recovery from IF
A fellow nestie asked me about the HSG today. I went though my blog and found the post about it to send her the link. I read it and just wanted to weep. It seems so long ago and yet so close. As I read the post for the first time maybe since writing it, I could remember the highway we got lost on, remember feeling sick, and the cherry blossoms on the trees. The emotions of IF never leave me, they are always there under the surface, ready to burst out when I least expect them to.
Tomorrow is our first Bradley birth class and while I feel prepared for the class, a part of me can't believe it is time to take it. I have always wanted a med free birth, the not med free conception didn't change that, but it has changed they way I look at birth a lot. A drug free birth has always been a little about proving I could do it, that has increased since IF. I want my body to do this so bad so that I can regain faith in it. It is like I NEED my body to give vaginal unassisted birth to a healthy baby in order to survive. I feel that strongly about it now. Why is so hard to explain but I will try.
Before infertility I could do anything if I tried and worked hard enough. Getting pg on my own was my first adult failure. I don't like failure and more so I didn't like not being able to control my body. My mom jokes at times that the reason the meds worked was because I was finally some what in control and thus more "relaxed". I don't think she remembers how stressed I was that cycle. Her surgery being the day of my IUI, I think she is a little hazy on the details.
I know I can't control giving birth, just like I couldn't control getting pregnant, and thus it becomes even more important in my mind for things to go the way I have "planned" them. I am sure God is looking down on me laughing at the moment, him not being a fan of us planning things he is more in control of than us. But I like to think he will give me this, that he says "things will go the way they are meant to be in your birth but if you lean on me, get strength from me, then you will have the birth you want".
And so tomorrow we take a class to help us gather our strength in preparation of birth, and to class I will be taking my strength and faith but I will also be gathering up the emotions infertility has left me with: the pain, the self doubt and the fear, that any second it might all be gone. I would love to rid myself of all those emotions, of the pain so close I feel like the HSG was just yesterday, but I know those emotions will never be gone. My hope is that I will be able to use the emotions of fear to my advantage and that would be a big step.
Tomorrow is our first Bradley birth class and while I feel prepared for the class, a part of me can't believe it is time to take it. I have always wanted a med free birth, the not med free conception didn't change that, but it has changed they way I look at birth a lot. A drug free birth has always been a little about proving I could do it, that has increased since IF. I want my body to do this so bad so that I can regain faith in it. It is like I NEED my body to give vaginal unassisted birth to a healthy baby in order to survive. I feel that strongly about it now. Why is so hard to explain but I will try.
Before infertility I could do anything if I tried and worked hard enough. Getting pg on my own was my first adult failure. I don't like failure and more so I didn't like not being able to control my body. My mom jokes at times that the reason the meds worked was because I was finally some what in control and thus more "relaxed". I don't think she remembers how stressed I was that cycle. Her surgery being the day of my IUI, I think she is a little hazy on the details.
I know I can't control giving birth, just like I couldn't control getting pregnant, and thus it becomes even more important in my mind for things to go the way I have "planned" them. I am sure God is looking down on me laughing at the moment, him not being a fan of us planning things he is more in control of than us. But I like to think he will give me this, that he says "things will go the way they are meant to be in your birth but if you lean on me, get strength from me, then you will have the birth you want".
And so tomorrow we take a class to help us gather our strength in preparation of birth, and to class I will be taking my strength and faith but I will also be gathering up the emotions infertility has left me with: the pain, the self doubt and the fear, that any second it might all be gone. I would love to rid myself of all those emotions, of the pain so close I feel like the HSG was just yesterday, but I know those emotions will never be gone. My hope is that I will be able to use the emotions of fear to my advantage and that would be a big step.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Highs and Lows of Wedding Weekend
There is a 'full' wedding recap below this post (including a belly pic!), this one is just the highs and lows. Lets start with a little Awing, then do a two vents then Aw again. Sound good? Then lets go...
First AW:
I took a bunch of great photos this weekend. I played with the settings on my C.a.nn.o.n P.ower.sh.ot and got some nice shots. Nothing like "professional" ones but pretty good for me. Here are a few of my favorites:
The little girl in the last one was a flower girl, she is also R's cousins oldest. Isn't she CUTE!?!
Now my first vent:
I haven't had much experience with unwanted belly touching till this weekend. Sure R touches my belly and so do my friends but they all have fairly open invitations to do so. Other people I prefer ask and I ALWAYS say yes. I just like to be prepared that my body is about to be touched, seems like a reasonable request to me but R's mom, G disagrees. She gave me a big hug and proceeded to rub the belly. I very nicely asked her to please ask before touching my belly and she says to my belly "Can Grandma give you a rub, yes she can any time she wants." Ryon nicely stepped in and said "mom she means you need to ask HER". G didn't listen but it was the first time in a long time R has stood up to a parent in my defense. It felt nice. She continued to try and rub my belly without asking all weekend, but each time she did so without asking I simply moved out of reach. By the last day she had gotten the idea and finally asked before rubbing. Who says and old dog can't learn new tricks?
Vent Two:
Since we were staying in a separate hotel all weekend it was easy to avoid most family before the wedding, including R's dad, P. I even lucked out and was able to passively ignore him almost the whole wedding, until he approached me (R said hello to him right after the reception). It felt good to make him come to me. We chatted for a second I told him what a beautiful wedding it was, how happy we were for the couple and did NOT mention the u/s pics in my purse, he had seen me showing a few people but R and I were admit that he should ask to see them. The he finally brought it up, the baby, that is. The baby which he still hasn't congratulated me for. He told R and I he didn't want to know the gender. i said that was fine for now, since we don't know either, but that we did plan on finding out and then announcing gender at the shower. He asked us not too, something I don't feel is his place, but R and I simply said we would do what we could to keep him from finding out but that shower participants would be finding out.
R and I agree that he did this as a way to try and control the situation. He can't control that we are pregnant or what month the baby is born or even gender, so he is going to try to control when he finds out the gender. Fine by me but that doesn't mean I am not telling other family and friends! Since R convinced me one big shower would be better than two tiny ones, his family is invited to "my" shower. This means his family will find out with mine what we are having, something I am excited about doing! So P will just have to find a way to keep his ears from hearing the gender news from October 5th (shower day) till the baby comes some time around Jan 1st 2009. R and I agree we can keep the secret and not let it slip in front of him, can the rest of the family? I don't know but I refuse to keep the gender a secret from everyone simply because Grandpa, who isn't happy about baby in the first place, doesn't want to know gender till birth!
My Aw:
I may have the best partner on EARTH! He was great this weekend. Stood up to his mom, saw that his dad was trying to be in control, kept certain "people" as far away from me as he could and was supportive the whole weekend. I love that man!
First AW:
I took a bunch of great photos this weekend. I played with the settings on my C.a.nn.o.n P.ower.sh.ot and got some nice shots. Nothing like "professional" ones but pretty good for me. Here are a few of my favorites:
The little girl in the last one was a flower girl, she is also R's cousins oldest. Isn't she CUTE!?!
Now my first vent:
I haven't had much experience with unwanted belly touching till this weekend. Sure R touches my belly and so do my friends but they all have fairly open invitations to do so. Other people I prefer ask and I ALWAYS say yes. I just like to be prepared that my body is about to be touched, seems like a reasonable request to me but R's mom, G disagrees. She gave me a big hug and proceeded to rub the belly. I very nicely asked her to please ask before touching my belly and she says to my belly "Can Grandma give you a rub, yes she can any time she wants." Ryon nicely stepped in and said "mom she means you need to ask HER". G didn't listen but it was the first time in a long time R has stood up to a parent in my defense. It felt nice. She continued to try and rub my belly without asking all weekend, but each time she did so without asking I simply moved out of reach. By the last day she had gotten the idea and finally asked before rubbing. Who says and old dog can't learn new tricks?
Vent Two:
Since we were staying in a separate hotel all weekend it was easy to avoid most family before the wedding, including R's dad, P. I even lucked out and was able to passively ignore him almost the whole wedding, until he approached me (R said hello to him right after the reception). It felt good to make him come to me. We chatted for a second I told him what a beautiful wedding it was, how happy we were for the couple and did NOT mention the u/s pics in my purse, he had seen me showing a few people but R and I were admit that he should ask to see them. The he finally brought it up, the baby, that is. The baby which he still hasn't congratulated me for. He told R and I he didn't want to know the gender. i said that was fine for now, since we don't know either, but that we did plan on finding out and then announcing gender at the shower. He asked us not too, something I don't feel is his place, but R and I simply said we would do what we could to keep him from finding out but that shower participants would be finding out.
R and I agree that he did this as a way to try and control the situation. He can't control that we are pregnant or what month the baby is born or even gender, so he is going to try to control when he finds out the gender. Fine by me but that doesn't mean I am not telling other family and friends! Since R convinced me one big shower would be better than two tiny ones, his family is invited to "my" shower. This means his family will find out with mine what we are having, something I am excited about doing! So P will just have to find a way to keep his ears from hearing the gender news from October 5th (shower day) till the baby comes some time around Jan 1st 2009. R and I agree we can keep the secret and not let it slip in front of him, can the rest of the family? I don't know but I refuse to keep the gender a secret from everyone simply because Grandpa, who isn't happy about baby in the first place, doesn't want to know gender till birth!
My Aw:
I may have the best partner on EARTH! He was great this weekend. Stood up to his mom, saw that his dad was trying to be in control, kept certain "people" as far away from me as he could and was supportive the whole weekend. I love that man!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Today is better.
So obviously I was upset about last night when I last posted. I was upset enough to blame R, to yell at him for making us tell in person and this "early". And I wasn't really thinking about R all that much. I knew he was hurting but not to the extent that I do now. However he also doesn't blame his dad, he blames the cunt (dad's wife). While I see his point that she did all the talking, did all the questioning of our choices I also saw a man (R's dad) who didn't smile or congratulate me. A man who let his wife tell us we made a mistake and in my opinion silence is agreement. So I blame them both, R blames her. I know part of it is because we see things differently but another part is that he desperately wants his father's approval. WHY? Not really sure, but he does.
Today we are doing better. I made it clear i want nothing to do with either of them for the next two months till R's brother's wedding. He is fine with that. I also said I will never be going out to dinner with them, he's not okay with that but for now is letting it slide. We both are talking about it with each other in a calm manor and that seems to be helping each of us feel better.
Now our good news of the day: Both R's siblings now know and both were really happy for us.
Today we are doing better. I made it clear i want nothing to do with either of them for the next two months till R's brother's wedding. He is fine with that. I also said I will never be going out to dinner with them, he's not okay with that but for now is letting it slide. We both are talking about it with each other in a calm manor and that seems to be helping each of us feel better.
Now our good news of the day: Both R's siblings now know and both were really happy for us.
14 Weeks
Sorry it has been so long since the last post. I will start at the beginning of this week and work our way through to today from there.
Tuesday, I went to get my hair done. A friend of mine is a stylist and I have been using her for years. I love going and talking about normal stuff. I decided this time to go ahead and get color put all over the highlights. I figured being out of the first tri it was safer than doing both and still needing toner to give extra color to the highlights. While there another woman came in with her 5 month old, we began chatting and when she said "Sasha (baby's name) is such a miracle and completely worth the wait" I thought "cool an IF patient like me!" NOPE! It took her 4 months! While I admit I was restless at four months looking back I laugh at myself. I ended up telling her how long it took us and from there a conversation bloomed with her hair dresser about IF treatments. She has two friends currently starting the process. I gave her my recommendations and then wrote it all down to pass on to her friends. My hair dresser and I are friends but she had NO idea about the fertility treatments, well now she does! It felt good passing on the info and also being able to in a round about way tell my friend what we went through to get here. And to boot I love my new cut and color!
Friday was the 4th of July so R had the day off. We used the morning to tell his mom that we are pg. She is very excited and wanted to know what we are having. I told her we didn't know yet and she was disappointed. I thought that was funny. I told her it was to early and she wanted to know how early I was. I told her I was out of the first tri and she relaxed a little. She had a m/c between her two healthy boys so I know she was extra worried about that. She listened to the h/b and let out little glees of joy. It was lots of fun telling her! The rest of Friday we relaxed and took it easy.
Saturday we told R's dad and the cunt (his new wife). It went worse than expected. I still haven't processed the whole night so I am just going to re-post what I did on thenest.
Dinner tonight should have been a celebration, since we were announcing being pg but somehow the conversation turned to how R and I were going down the wrong path by having a baby. They told us we should have bought a house first, and they were disappointed I wouldn't be going to school full time now. They told us they don't think we will ever buy a house since we will have a baby and that we can't survive on R's salary (which we already do survive on). They didn't smile not say congrats to me EVER. In short it was awful. I may never speak to them again. I was so upset after dinner it caused cramping which then caused a panic attack. I have since calmed down although I am still not okay with what happened. R is upset and refusing to talk about it he is so hurt by what happened. In short I feel I have every reason to hate my in laws!
So that is my week in a nut shell. Baby is doing fine and is the size of a lemon. She can suck her thumb, wiggle a toe, go pee-pee and is already practicing breathing! A thin coat of hair is starting to cover her body to keep her warm as well.
Tuesday, I went to get my hair done. A friend of mine is a stylist and I have been using her for years. I love going and talking about normal stuff. I decided this time to go ahead and get color put all over the highlights. I figured being out of the first tri it was safer than doing both and still needing toner to give extra color to the highlights. While there another woman came in with her 5 month old, we began chatting and when she said "Sasha (baby's name) is such a miracle and completely worth the wait" I thought "cool an IF patient like me!" NOPE! It took her 4 months! While I admit I was restless at four months looking back I laugh at myself. I ended up telling her how long it took us and from there a conversation bloomed with her hair dresser about IF treatments. She has two friends currently starting the process. I gave her my recommendations and then wrote it all down to pass on to her friends. My hair dresser and I are friends but she had NO idea about the fertility treatments, well now she does! It felt good passing on the info and also being able to in a round about way tell my friend what we went through to get here. And to boot I love my new cut and color!
Friday was the 4th of July so R had the day off. We used the morning to tell his mom that we are pg. She is very excited and wanted to know what we are having. I told her we didn't know yet and she was disappointed. I thought that was funny. I told her it was to early and she wanted to know how early I was. I told her I was out of the first tri and she relaxed a little. She had a m/c between her two healthy boys so I know she was extra worried about that. She listened to the h/b and let out little glees of joy. It was lots of fun telling her! The rest of Friday we relaxed and took it easy.
Saturday we told R's dad and the cunt (his new wife). It went worse than expected. I still haven't processed the whole night so I am just going to re-post what I did on thenest.
Dinner tonight should have been a celebration, since we were announcing being pg but somehow the conversation turned to how R and I were going down the wrong path by having a baby. They told us we should have bought a house first, and they were disappointed I wouldn't be going to school full time now. They told us they don't think we will ever buy a house since we will have a baby and that we can't survive on R's salary (which we already do survive on). They didn't smile not say congrats to me EVER. In short it was awful. I may never speak to them again. I was so upset after dinner it caused cramping which then caused a panic attack. I have since calmed down although I am still not okay with what happened. R is upset and refusing to talk about it he is so hurt by what happened. In short I feel I have every reason to hate my in laws!
So that is my week in a nut shell. Baby is doing fine and is the size of a lemon. She can suck her thumb, wiggle a toe, go pee-pee and is already practicing breathing! A thin coat of hair is starting to cover her body to keep her warm as well.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Uhhhhh.... thanks for the hope???
I had my third accupuncture on the 16th and for the first time I hated it. I actually LOVE the acutal accupuncture. For the first time I came home and naped after it. It was the person (student) I disliked. Dislike being a MAJOR understatement. Here is how the conersation went:
Him: So you've been trying for a year?
Me: Just over that.
Him: That isn't that long.
Me: Compared to some your right it isn't but we chose to be seen after a year, when the dx of IF was given.
Him: My wife and I tried for 14 years.
Me: I am so sorry.
Him: Its fine. I didn't want children and I like our life. She was sad for years but is over it now.
Me: mmh, childfree isn't an option for us.
Him: Are you sure your husband wants a child?
Me: (slightly outraged) Yes.
He does his exam and says "I don't see you getting pg until we reslove these underlining issues. Your cycles are too long and you don't bleed for long enough. You have massive chi blockage. I can't be agressive enough on you if you insits on not doing herbs and acing like you are pg in your 2WW."
Me: (SHOCKED)
Him: I will get the Dr.
Dr comes in tells me he hopes this IUI is what works for us and then goes on to say that if I am not pg then maybe taking a month off and doing more exsensive treatment through them is a good idea. He has had lots of women do that and get pg.
Then I have my treatment. I told myself all through the treatment: this will work you are getting pg.
However he already had planted the seed of doubt. I am having a hard time staying positive today but am trying very hard.
And because all of you will say I should talk to the clinic, Done. I am writting a letter and calling the school tomorrow to talk to the head hauncho.
Update: Head hauncho said he will speak to the student and let him know that behavior isn't approprite. I feel better about it now and am back to feeling VERY hopeful.
Him: So you've been trying for a year?
Me: Just over that.
Him: That isn't that long.
Me: Compared to some your right it isn't but we chose to be seen after a year, when the dx of IF was given.
Him: My wife and I tried for 14 years.
Me: I am so sorry.
Him: Its fine. I didn't want children and I like our life. She was sad for years but is over it now.
Me: mmh, childfree isn't an option for us.
Him: Are you sure your husband wants a child?
Me: (slightly outraged) Yes.
He does his exam and says "I don't see you getting pg until we reslove these underlining issues. Your cycles are too long and you don't bleed for long enough. You have massive chi blockage. I can't be agressive enough on you if you insits on not doing herbs and acing like you are pg in your 2WW."
Me: (SHOCKED)
Him: I will get the Dr.
Dr comes in tells me he hopes this IUI is what works for us and then goes on to say that if I am not pg then maybe taking a month off and doing more exsensive treatment through them is a good idea. He has had lots of women do that and get pg.
Then I have my treatment. I told myself all through the treatment: this will work you are getting pg.
However he already had planted the seed of doubt. I am having a hard time staying positive today but am trying very hard.
And because all of you will say I should talk to the clinic, Done. I am writting a letter and calling the school tomorrow to talk to the head hauncho.
Update: Head hauncho said he will speak to the student and let him know that behavior isn't approprite. I feel better about it now and am back to feeling VERY hopeful.
Monday, April 14, 2008
A letter
Dear Baby(s),
You are just cells dividing and dividing and yet already we love you. Mommy and daddy are asking that you please stick around for the next 9 almost 10 months so that we can love you forever. We of course want you to stick around and come to live with us. We are ready to love,hug, care for and take care of you not just for the next 9-10 months but for the next 25 years. We want to be your mommy and daddy, so please snuggle in tight. Already there are people who love you and want you here on Earth with us.
There is Grandma D, who supports mommy as much as mommy supports her. She is a great grandma already and she would love one or two more babies to love. She promises to spoil you completely rotten, and have you over for sleepovers. She may not ever run along side your bike but she will kiss scraped knees and always have a kind word. She promises "what happens at grandma's stays at grandma's" much to mommy and daddy's worry. She already donates to March of Dimes in your names every time we got grocery shopping, she signs the bottom "little 'Ariel' or 'r' to be". She wants you here with us so please snuggle in tight.
There is Grandma G who knows nothing of our IUI but wants to be a grandma so badly she gives mommy a hard time about it when we talk. She would come out to CA and spoil you rotten and never put you down. She would get up at your 2 am feedings too. When you get older we will visit her in Arkansas and she will let you ride her dog who is more like a pony. So please snuggle in tight.
Your cousins are moving back to CA in the winter and thus will be here for your birth. They love babies and while they aren't old enough to care for you on their own I know they will love helping Mommy care for you. So please snuggle in tight.
Your Auntie Rhea will love being an aunt, she loves infants and her and I will take all of you to the park and on the train and you will love playing with her and the kids. She will take you when Mommy and Daddy need to shower or go shopping. She will love you and kiss you and say you are the cutest little babies since hers were born, and she will be right. So please snuggle in tight.
Your Auntie Shannon and Holly ( not 'real' Aunties but close enough) want you here too. You can go to SF with me and them for the day, go to vote for Shannon when she runs for president. They will love you and hold you and not want to give you back. Holly even said she would take you overnight although mommy isn't sure about that. I do know they will love you and spoil you and mommy. So please snuggle in tight.
Grandpa Pete flies air planes and when you are three he will sit you on his lap and let you fly while mommy stays on the ground and prays for your safe return. He will run you up and down the steep hill and talk shop about planes and trains. He will love you just like his other grandchildren. So please snuggle in tight.
Pop-pop is your last grandparent and he has a unusual sense of humor, just a warning. He plays guitar and will happily teach you. He comes over for dinner once a week and lives close by. You will see a lot of him. When you get older he will teach you about trains, take you to museums, and ride BART with you for free. He loves you too so please snuggle in tight.
I could go on and on about extended family and other cousin's you will have but won't. Please know mommy, daddy and so many others love you already and we want you here on Earth with us. So find a good spot in my nice warm uterus and snuggle in tight.
Love always,
Mommy
You are just cells dividing and dividing and yet already we love you. Mommy and daddy are asking that you please stick around for the next 9 almost 10 months so that we can love you forever. We of course want you to stick around and come to live with us. We are ready to love,hug, care for and take care of you not just for the next 9-10 months but for the next 25 years. We want to be your mommy and daddy, so please snuggle in tight. Already there are people who love you and want you here on Earth with us.
There is Grandma D, who supports mommy as much as mommy supports her. She is a great grandma already and she would love one or two more babies to love. She promises to spoil you completely rotten, and have you over for sleepovers. She may not ever run along side your bike but she will kiss scraped knees and always have a kind word. She promises "what happens at grandma's stays at grandma's" much to mommy and daddy's worry. She already donates to March of Dimes in your names every time we got grocery shopping, she signs the bottom "little 'Ariel' or 'r' to be". She wants you here with us so please snuggle in tight.
There is Grandma G who knows nothing of our IUI but wants to be a grandma so badly she gives mommy a hard time about it when we talk. She would come out to CA and spoil you rotten and never put you down. She would get up at your 2 am feedings too. When you get older we will visit her in Arkansas and she will let you ride her dog who is more like a pony. So please snuggle in tight.
Your cousins are moving back to CA in the winter and thus will be here for your birth. They love babies and while they aren't old enough to care for you on their own I know they will love helping Mommy care for you. So please snuggle in tight.
Your Auntie Rhea will love being an aunt, she loves infants and her and I will take all of you to the park and on the train and you will love playing with her and the kids. She will take you when Mommy and Daddy need to shower or go shopping. She will love you and kiss you and say you are the cutest little babies since hers were born, and she will be right. So please snuggle in tight.
Your Auntie Shannon and Holly ( not 'real' Aunties but close enough) want you here too. You can go to SF with me and them for the day, go to vote for Shannon when she runs for president. They will love you and hold you and not want to give you back. Holly even said she would take you overnight although mommy isn't sure about that. I do know they will love you and spoil you and mommy. So please snuggle in tight.
Grandpa Pete flies air planes and when you are three he will sit you on his lap and let you fly while mommy stays on the ground and prays for your safe return. He will run you up and down the steep hill and talk shop about planes and trains. He will love you just like his other grandchildren. So please snuggle in tight.
Pop-pop is your last grandparent and he has a unusual sense of humor, just a warning. He plays guitar and will happily teach you. He comes over for dinner once a week and lives close by. You will see a lot of him. When you get older he will teach you about trains, take you to museums, and ride BART with you for free. He loves you too so please snuggle in tight.
I could go on and on about extended family and other cousin's you will have but won't. Please know mommy, daddy and so many others love you already and we want you here on Earth with us. So find a good spot in my nice warm uterus and snuggle in tight.
Love always,
Mommy
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Wanna do me a Favor?
If you see me, here, on the board or IRL send me: Implantation dust or vibes. I am 4dpo and implantation should be happening anytime now. Thank you.
A little about Beta Day:
As many of you know Beta day is the 25th of this month. R and I have talked about all the kinds of ways we could get this news and how we want to share the (hopefully) great news. So we have decided that I will let the call go to voice mail and then together that night we will get the news. My cell has a speaker and we will use it to get this wonderful news.
However we ask that all of you NOT call, NOT email, NOT page me on thenest and let me tell you guys the news. Because, god forbid, it isn't good news we are going to need time to greive and I will want to be left alone. Does everyone understand? .............. Okay good!
A little about Beta Day:
As many of you know Beta day is the 25th of this month. R and I have talked about all the kinds of ways we could get this news and how we want to share the (hopefully) great news. So we have decided that I will let the call go to voice mail and then together that night we will get the news. My cell has a speaker and we will use it to get this wonderful news.
However we ask that all of you NOT call, NOT email, NOT page me on thenest and let me tell you guys the news. Because, god forbid, it isn't good news we are going to need time to greive and I will want to be left alone. Does everyone understand? .............. Okay good!
Friday, March 14, 2008
Baby Showers and 1st B-day Parties
Today I missed my very first baby shower due to IF. If you know me IRL you will know that I LOVE babies, baby showers and all things infant related and have since, well since forever. However a month ago when Leah's shower invite came in the mail I almost immediately decided I wouldn't be going. Don't get me wrong I love Leah. We have know each other since I was born and her mom and my mom are really good, almost best, friends. But Leah and I haven't spoken directly in years and lately baby showers have lost their appeal. If it were a friend's or family member's shower I would have gone but I couldn't see putting myself through that for someone I don't speak to often. I did however send a gift with my mom.
Last weekend was also a 1st B-day party for R's cousin's youngest son (did you follow that?). Somehow we were missed on the e-vite list and thus she called us two days before the event inviting us. We didn't have plans for that day but there was no way R was going to get me to go. This cousin is the same one who's husband called me infertile at Christmas and the one whose daughter's 4h B-day party I was bombarded with the question "when will you guys have a baby?" (if you missed these two stories they both can be found HERE) R was upset I wouldn't go, we barely see any of his family as it is and now I wasn't willing to go to a child's B-day party. He didn't get it at all until I reminded he what happened last time we saw these people. He was still hurt about missing it, after all it really isn't his fault his family is a bunch of insensitive idiots, is it?
He still thinks I should just put up a shield and not let other people's comments bother me. For a while I did that but my shield is crumpled and defective now from fending off others comments such as "I can't imagine having to chart my husband just looks at me and I get pg" or "are you sure your doing it correctly?". It has been warn down to nothing even in my short battle. I am in need of a new one, and sadly emotional shield's aren't like new shoes where you can go to the store and get new ones. Emotional shields are like self esteem and good eating habits, once broken they take a long time to mend and make new again.
So I skipped these joyful family events in the name of self preservation and survival. It isn't that their joy doesn't touch me, it is that their joy reminds me of the part of me missing. I know there are ladies out there who don't feel this way even in the wake of multiple m/c but my IF has warped me in ways I am only beginning to understand. And while others, including R, might see this as selfish, I know others out there are nodding their heads in agreement with me.
In other news I am taking a HUGE leap of faith, not in them but in me, and inviting two of my Best friends to read the blog. Until know this blog has only been know to people I know via thenest some of whom I am friends with IRL and people who stumble across it. So hi Shannon and Holly hope this gives you a little insight into me.
Last weekend was also a 1st B-day party for R's cousin's youngest son (did you follow that?). Somehow we were missed on the e-vite list and thus she called us two days before the event inviting us. We didn't have plans for that day but there was no way R was going to get me to go. This cousin is the same one who's husband called me infertile at Christmas and the one whose daughter's 4h B-day party I was bombarded with the question "when will you guys have a baby?" (if you missed these two stories they both can be found HERE) R was upset I wouldn't go, we barely see any of his family as it is and now I wasn't willing to go to a child's B-day party. He didn't get it at all until I reminded he what happened last time we saw these people. He was still hurt about missing it, after all it really isn't his fault his family is a bunch of insensitive idiots, is it?
He still thinks I should just put up a shield and not let other people's comments bother me. For a while I did that but my shield is crumpled and defective now from fending off others comments such as "I can't imagine having to chart my husband just looks at me and I get pg" or "are you sure your doing it correctly?". It has been warn down to nothing even in my short battle. I am in need of a new one, and sadly emotional shield's aren't like new shoes where you can go to the store and get new ones. Emotional shields are like self esteem and good eating habits, once broken they take a long time to mend and make new again.
So I skipped these joyful family events in the name of self preservation and survival. It isn't that their joy doesn't touch me, it is that their joy reminds me of the part of me missing. I know there are ladies out there who don't feel this way even in the wake of multiple m/c but my IF has warped me in ways I am only beginning to understand. And while others, including R, might see this as selfish, I know others out there are nodding their heads in agreement with me.
In other news I am taking a HUGE leap of faith, not in them but in me, and inviting two of my Best friends to read the blog. Until know this blog has only been know to people I know via thenest some of whom I am friends with IRL and people who stumble across it. So hi Shannon and Holly hope this gives you a little insight into me.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Ramdom tid bits
People keep asking me how I am. So I want to be honest with you all.
I am:
better than I was a month ago
worse than 3 months ago
but all in all okay
I have learned that I don't need to be happy and sunshining all the time if that isn't how I feel. IF has made me bitter but it has also made me resiliant, and has tought me to seek help when needed. It has taught me about my relationship with others as well. These lesons were hard to learn but I needed to learn them. I also realized that I will be okay, I will never go back to the way I was but that isn't a bad thing. I am a changed person and I accept that.
On thenest there was a poll about crying. I didn't cry all weekend even though I normally cry every other day or so. But today I was reading this and bauled like a baby. Thanks Maria (MKC101103) it was a good cry.
There also have been quite a few posts on the t-ttc board from friends of IF girls. They want to know how they can help thier friends. I look at those posts and wish I had friends like that. I wish I had a good or best friend wo understood what this was like. Not because I would want them to go through it but because it would be so nice to really talk to someone daily about this who is in the same room as me.
I am:
better than I was a month ago
worse than 3 months ago
but all in all okay
I have learned that I don't need to be happy and sunshining all the time if that isn't how I feel. IF has made me bitter but it has also made me resiliant, and has tought me to seek help when needed. It has taught me about my relationship with others as well. These lesons were hard to learn but I needed to learn them. I also realized that I will be okay, I will never go back to the way I was but that isn't a bad thing. I am a changed person and I accept that.
On thenest there was a poll about crying. I didn't cry all weekend even though I normally cry every other day or so. But today I was reading this and bauled like a baby. Thanks Maria (MKC101103) it was a good cry.
There also have been quite a few posts on the t-ttc board from friends of IF girls. They want to know how they can help thier friends. I look at those posts and wish I had friends like that. I wish I had a good or best friend wo understood what this was like. Not because I would want them to go through it but because it would be so nice to really talk to someone daily about this who is in the same room as me.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Another visit with the Dildo Cam
Before I start the actually post I want to make something very clear. I am in a bad foul pissy mood these days. I cry a lot, and get mad and angry for no reason. Very little makes me smile and just about everything upsets me. This is how my life is right now, there is no sugar coating how I feel here in blog land because that would defeat the WHOLE purpose of this blog. I put on fake smiles for EVERYONE else in my life but not here. If you don't like it don't read, but for those of you who have been reading for a while and commenting I hope you stay. Just please understand that right now I am feeling quite low. Thank you.
____________________________
Well I had yet another visit with an OB, this one I had never seen before and honestly hope I don't ever have to see again. He did a pg test via urine -, and an ultrasound to look for pg - but we did find a nice cyst on my right ovary. He told me that most likely this is what is causing me not to get my period. :( He also said the lab mixed up my progesterone test this cycle, and gave me last cycle's info. I did not actually ovulate. double :(
He went ahead and ordered more blood work including a pg test via blood work. He is also checking my blood to confirm where in my cycle I am. I will get a call back tomorrow about the blood work and then if AF doesn't show by Feb 1st then they will give me provera.
I just hope she shows on her own. I don't like drugs fucking with my hormones, unless they are meant to get me pg.
PS If you are reading my blog and want to comment fine but read the warning to the left FIRST. As I have said before, I am in a foul bitchy mood and since this is my blog will respond to comments however I see fit. Also I am happy to give other t-ttcer bloggers the benefit of the doubt when they post things like "I just know you'll be a mom one day" anonymous responses don't get that benefit of the doubt. Sorry if that seems unfair but such is life!
____________________________
Well I had yet another visit with an OB, this one I had never seen before and honestly hope I don't ever have to see again. He did a pg test via urine -, and an ultrasound to look for pg - but we did find a nice cyst on my right ovary. He told me that most likely this is what is causing me not to get my period. :( He also said the lab mixed up my progesterone test this cycle, and gave me last cycle's info. I did not actually ovulate. double :(
He went ahead and ordered more blood work including a pg test via blood work. He is also checking my blood to confirm where in my cycle I am. I will get a call back tomorrow about the blood work and then if AF doesn't show by Feb 1st then they will give me provera.
I just hope she shows on her own. I don't like drugs fucking with my hormones, unless they are meant to get me pg.
PS If you are reading my blog and want to comment fine but read the warning to the left FIRST. As I have said before, I am in a foul bitchy mood and since this is my blog will respond to comments however I see fit. Also I am happy to give other t-ttcer bloggers the benefit of the doubt when they post things like "I just know you'll be a mom one day" anonymous responses don't get that benefit of the doubt. Sorry if that seems unfair but such is life!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Mourning
There was a point durring today that I realized I couldn't do this anymore. That putting my life on hold and hoping and pryaing for what I have wanted all my life is most likly no longer good for me. I was on the edge, of what I don't know but defintly on the edge. I still feel there some moments, but when I read this, I came back to my senses and realized I would do anything for a child:
http://www.thenestbaby.com/stages/stage.aspx?stage=trimester1&ForumID=469&MsdVisit=1
I am trying to go on with my life as normal. I don't think my IRL family and friends know just how badly I hurt right now. If they did I think they all might freak out. I am trying to keep them sheltered from my pain, even R doesn't know how much I have cried these last few days. He goes to bed and I weep for hours. It takes every bit of me to dress and shower. I am falling apart right now. All my hopes and dreams seem to be rushing away from me. What is left of me is my outer shell.
Today my mom described me as depressed, I told her this isn't depression this is me mourning. She doesn't get it. Doesn't get that I am scared of needing help. Scared of the needles and the cost. Scared that at the end I will have nothing left.
As a child and teen I wanted so much to be a mom. It was the only thing I have always wanted to do. My friend's all have told me that at times I act like a mom. I look out for them, make sure they are okay. As a child I would comfort the crying toddler in day camp. As a teen I would make sure my friends didn't drink enough to pass out. In my early 20's I was always the designated driver. It has always been my job to look out for those I love. I would be a great mom too, so why not me.
http://www.thenestbaby.com/stages/stage.aspx?stage=trimester1&ForumID=469&MsdVisit=1
I am trying to go on with my life as normal. I don't think my IRL family and friends know just how badly I hurt right now. If they did I think they all might freak out. I am trying to keep them sheltered from my pain, even R doesn't know how much I have cried these last few days. He goes to bed and I weep for hours. It takes every bit of me to dress and shower. I am falling apart right now. All my hopes and dreams seem to be rushing away from me. What is left of me is my outer shell.
Today my mom described me as depressed, I told her this isn't depression this is me mourning. She doesn't get it. Doesn't get that I am scared of needing help. Scared of the needles and the cost. Scared that at the end I will have nothing left.
As a child and teen I wanted so much to be a mom. It was the only thing I have always wanted to do. My friend's all have told me that at times I act like a mom. I look out for them, make sure they are okay. As a child I would comfort the crying toddler in day camp. As a teen I would make sure my friends didn't drink enough to pass out. In my early 20's I was always the designated driver. It has always been my job to look out for those I love. I would be a great mom too, so why not me.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Broken
I feel very broken today. I am sure many people going through IF feel this way but today I feel it 10 times worse than ever before. It is cd17 and I have had two temp spikes but my temp refuses to stay up for more than days and thus Fertility Friend isn't seeing an O pattern. Also the stupid OPKs are refusing to work for me. I may never see a positive anything!!!! DH and I have been having some great sex but all the sex and wonderful swimmers in the world won't help if I don't Ovulate. I have been so worried about my temp I am barley sleeping which makes the whole charting thing even more imposable. I just feel broken and defeated.I am wearing my Angie bracelet today to help but even it seems to be letting me down today.
To make it all worse R is not ready to see an RE. He is ready to be a father but not get treatment. I am devastated in many ways about this. He said is is ready to actually talk to someone about what his SA means and so on the 2nd he will call his Dr and get a referral to the Urologist. Also next cycle I will get an HSG (if stupid Kaiser will get me in for the appt). I am looking forward to at least getting some answers. At least that way if my tubes are blocked or something is REALLY wrong we will know.
I am just sad that it couldn't be easy. Why can't I be one of the fertile mertiles?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
