A fellow nestie asked me about the HSG today. I went though my blog and found the post about it to send her the link. I read it and just wanted to weep. It seems so long ago and yet so close. As I read the post for the first time maybe since writing it, I could remember the highway we got lost on, remember feeling sick, and the cherry blossoms on the trees. The emotions of IF never leave me, they are always there under the surface, ready to burst out when I least expect them to.
Tomorrow is our first Bradley birth class and while I feel prepared for the class, a part of me can't believe it is time to take it. I have always wanted a med free birth, the not med free conception didn't change that, but it has changed they way I look at birth a lot. A drug free birth has always been a little about proving I could do it, that has increased since IF. I want my body to do this so bad so that I can regain faith in it. It is like I NEED my body to give vaginal unassisted birth to a healthy baby in order to survive. I feel that strongly about it now. Why is so hard to explain but I will try.
Before infertility I could do anything if I tried and worked hard enough. Getting pg on my own was my first adult failure. I don't like failure and more so I didn't like not being able to control my body. My mom jokes at times that the reason the meds worked was because I was finally some what in control and thus more "relaxed". I don't think she remembers how stressed I was that cycle. Her surgery being the day of my IUI, I think she is a little hazy on the details.
I know I can't control giving birth, just like I couldn't control getting pregnant, and thus it becomes even more important in my mind for things to go the way I have "planned" them. I am sure God is looking down on me laughing at the moment, him not being a fan of us planning things he is more in control of than us. But I like to think he will give me this, that he says "things will go the way they are meant to be in your birth but if you lean on me, get strength from me, then you will have the birth you want".
And so tomorrow we take a class to help us gather our strength in preparation of birth, and to class I will be taking my strength and faith but I will also be gathering up the emotions infertility has left me with: the pain, the self doubt and the fear, that any second it might all be gone. I would love to rid myself of all those emotions, of the pain so close I feel like the HSG was just yesterday, but I know those emotions will never be gone. My hope is that I will be able to use the emotions of fear to my advantage and that would be a big step.
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IF. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
They will never understand me if they don’t know
I have always been an open book about almost everything, you want to talk about sex, politics, romance, infertility or my deepest fears, and I'll talk I just need you to be open and honest too. This is always the first thing R mentions about me when asked why he fell in love with me. It is something many people like about me and something others don’t. I am okay with that.
However when it comes to my in-laws I feel conflicted. The person I am and how their family is are very different and to say they don’t mesh well is an understatement. I have spent the last four (almost five) years of my life with R and during that time have learned that unless asked I should just keep my mouth shut.
Well that just hasn’t worked for me. I want it to but it doesn’t. His parents have no clue about the person I am. I love them, they may even love me but they don’t like me. I am to straight forward, and blunt for their passive aggressive ways.
Much of the time this all really doesn’t matter. R claims to be close with his parents but his mom lives 2,000 miles away and they talk about once maybe twice a month. R and his dad speak less than that and he lives 20 minutes away, less than 15 miles from our house. Since the beginning of '08 R has seen his dad 2 times this year and talked on the phone maybe three times. I haven’t seen his dad since X-Mas. But if you ask R his family is “really close and tight knit”. Umm YA RIGHT!
But the point of me telling you all this is that while I have been fairly open about our IF, R hasn’t and even now with us pg, he still doesn’t want to be. Part of this is that I am okay with being the poster girl for IF and he isn’t. Part of it is that R doesn’t want to tell his folks about our “trouble”. He says it isn’t about what they would think but that it is none of their bussness, and I think well maybe not but it is a HUGE part of US. Of WHO we are and WHY we are so happy about the baby.
I have agreed to keep my mouth shut to his family but I question the rational. He wants me to be closer to his family, but the way I do that is by sharing a part of who I am. I simply don’t know how to have a relationship with people who know nothing about me. Please tell me HOW DO I DO THAT?
However when it comes to my in-laws I feel conflicted. The person I am and how their family is are very different and to say they don’t mesh well is an understatement. I have spent the last four (almost five) years of my life with R and during that time have learned that unless asked I should just keep my mouth shut.
Well that just hasn’t worked for me. I want it to but it doesn’t. His parents have no clue about the person I am. I love them, they may even love me but they don’t like me. I am to straight forward, and blunt for their passive aggressive ways.
Much of the time this all really doesn’t matter. R claims to be close with his parents but his mom lives 2,000 miles away and they talk about once maybe twice a month. R and his dad speak less than that and he lives 20 minutes away, less than 15 miles from our house. Since the beginning of '08 R has seen his dad 2 times this year and talked on the phone maybe three times. I haven’t seen his dad since X-Mas. But if you ask R his family is “really close and tight knit”. Umm YA RIGHT!
But the point of me telling you all this is that while I have been fairly open about our IF, R hasn’t and even now with us pg, he still doesn’t want to be. Part of this is that I am okay with being the poster girl for IF and he isn’t. Part of it is that R doesn’t want to tell his folks about our “trouble”. He says it isn’t about what they would think but that it is none of their bussness, and I think well maybe not but it is a HUGE part of US. Of WHO we are and WHY we are so happy about the baby.
I have agreed to keep my mouth shut to his family but I question the rational. He wants me to be closer to his family, but the way I do that is by sharing a part of who I am. I simply don’t know how to have a relationship with people who know nothing about me. Please tell me HOW DO I DO THAT?
Friday, April 11, 2008
IUI: DONE
Warning this post contains TMI! If you don't want to hear about sperm or master.batio.n don't read on.
The gist of it is IUI went great!
____________________________________________________
Today was a busy day for my family, or at least for my mom and I. She had minor back surgery and I had my IUI. Both went great and now I am with my mom at her house taking care of her. She has to rest for a few days and recover but for an IUI I can resume normal activities right after, okay actually 20 minutes after but close enough.
For the night before my mom's surgery I have to admit I was quite relaxed. R and I cleaned the house a little and then went shopping. What for you might ask? Well porn! Having never used the 'deposit' rooms I had no idea what kinda porn our office would have. Not that R is picky, his stash is at least 8 years old, I know because I packed it when we moved, but because I didn't want him to have any trouble producing.
I have to admit the most awkward part of this whole process was THIS. After all how many people are given a cup sent into a hospital room and asked to fiddle with themselves until orgasm and then provide the proff of said orgasm to the nurse? I would hazard a guess that only 1in 8 go through this. By the way 1 in 8 is the statistical number of us in fertiles and repeat pregnancy loss girls.
R's 'sample' was great! BETTER than his SA! Yes BETTER! We had 180 million post wash! To say I was a happy girl is an understatement.
The nerve racking part of the whole IF is that we are not sure where things fall apart for us. Is it me, is it him? We don't know what is going wrong because at this point tests come back great and we BOTH responded well to this protocol. Being unexplained certainly has its ups and downs!
The actual IUI part was easy. I got undressed from the waist down hoped up on the table feet in stirrups. The RE (not mine) walked in. Went over the results from the wash. The nurse checked our IDs (for the second time that day) and then set everything up. RE put in the speculum. Then laced through my cervix the tube. A few seconds later he pushed down the plunger and swoosh the sperm are in me!
Now some of you may not know this but IUI success is improved if you stay on the table for 15-20 minutes. I rested up there for 45 minutes because they forgot about me. I was happy fr the extra time and so was R.
We have a 12-15 % chance of this working, so keep your fingers crossed for us.
The gist of it is IUI went great!
____________________________________________________
Today was a busy day for my family, or at least for my mom and I. She had minor back surgery and I had my IUI. Both went great and now I am with my mom at her house taking care of her. She has to rest for a few days and recover but for an IUI I can resume normal activities right after, okay actually 20 minutes after but close enough.
For the night before my mom's surgery I have to admit I was quite relaxed. R and I cleaned the house a little and then went shopping. What for you might ask? Well porn! Having never used the 'deposit' rooms I had no idea what kinda porn our office would have. Not that R is picky, his stash is at least 8 years old, I know because I packed it when we moved, but because I didn't want him to have any trouble producing.
I have to admit the most awkward part of this whole process was THIS. After all how many people are given a cup sent into a hospital room and asked to fiddle with themselves until orgasm and then provide the proff of said orgasm to the nurse? I would hazard a guess that only 1in 8 go through this. By the way 1 in 8 is the statistical number of us in fertiles and repeat pregnancy loss girls.
R's 'sample' was great! BETTER than his SA! Yes BETTER! We had 180 million post wash! To say I was a happy girl is an understatement.
The nerve racking part of the whole IF is that we are not sure where things fall apart for us. Is it me, is it him? We don't know what is going wrong because at this point tests come back great and we BOTH responded well to this protocol. Being unexplained certainly has its ups and downs!
The actual IUI part was easy. I got undressed from the waist down hoped up on the table feet in stirrups. The RE (not mine) walked in. Went over the results from the wash. The nurse checked our IDs (for the second time that day) and then set everything up. RE put in the speculum. Then laced through my cervix the tube. A few seconds later he pushed down the plunger and swoosh the sperm are in me!
Now some of you may not know this but IUI success is improved if you stay on the table for 15-20 minutes. I rested up there for 45 minutes because they forgot about me. I was happy fr the extra time and so was R.
We have a 12-15 % chance of this working, so keep your fingers crossed for us.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
It is CD 12 ALREADY!
It is CD 12 and still no positive OPK and no temp spike so those are good things. I do feel my ovaries at different times in the day. My left one ached mid day and then tonight my right one ached. I haven't ever felt 'pain' like that before. It was new, exciting and worrisome all at the same time. Worrisome because I do worry about missing ovulation. HOWEVER that seems doubtful to my nurse and I trust my clinic. Really I do. Stop laughing I DO trust them, I just like confirmation from the t-ttc board that I should trust them! ;O
If no positive OPK then my u/s will be Thursday. My mom wanted to know if since Ryon has to work she could come. I am sure that is weird to many of you but we are insanely close and I have NO modesty so I said yes. After all, nothing I have she doesn't have! It will be nice to not have to go alone since I am such a worrier.
On Friday about 24 hours after my last Femara dose something happened that at first I wasn't sure I wanted to share in an open forum but if this is going to be an honest place for me I am going to need to share. Friday, I got sloppy, pass out drunk from ONE drink. I am an easy buzz, and I get drunk rather fast too but NOT from one drink. I am sure it has to do with the meds. So please take this as a warning if you are doing or going to do Femara. DON'T drink on it!
This brings my s/e count for Femara to two: headaches and.... well what should we call it?...... easy drunkenness.
If no positive OPK then my u/s will be Thursday. My mom wanted to know if since Ryon has to work she could come. I am sure that is weird to many of you but we are insanely close and I have NO modesty so I said yes. After all, nothing I have she doesn't have! It will be nice to not have to go alone since I am such a worrier.
On Friday about 24 hours after my last Femara dose something happened that at first I wasn't sure I wanted to share in an open forum but if this is going to be an honest place for me I am going to need to share. Friday, I got sloppy, pass out drunk from ONE drink. I am an easy buzz, and I get drunk rather fast too but NOT from one drink. I am sure it has to do with the meds. So please take this as a warning if you are doing or going to do Femara. DON'T drink on it!
This brings my s/e count for Femara to two: headaches and.... well what should we call it?...... easy drunkenness.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Pay it Forward (updated)
I loved this movie. Not the ending for the young boy but the concept and the trickle effect. In my life I have been given things and never asked to "pay it forward" but a month ago I was. Someone gave me something to add ttc to use and simply said "pay it forward". Then my nestie friend got pg and she has a box of something to give me too, she said she would be happy to give it to me. This same nestie then finds out my IUI is to be the same day as my mom's surgery and offers to drive my mom to surgery if I can't. WOW. Let me say that I have never know such generous people as those I have met online. I understand how people met spouses online because I have met many women who do more for me daily than some friends do in a year (this could so me a topic for another post).
Now I have a lot of paying it forward to do. Today as a start I payed forward the 'box'. I won't be able to use it. My RE has advised against it because my lining has been thin in the past. And if I can't use it someone else might as well. So it is off to the other side of the country. Yes from CA to Florida. Her and I have never met but on Wednesday just in time for CD 5 she will receive something I held just today. Amazing right? I don't know how to pay forward the other things yet but I will figure out how and one day will. It really is the little things others do for us that brighten our lives. Till then I keep trying to do little things to brighten other people's days, it is a great way to make the world a better place.
__________
I had to 'update' for legal reasons.
Now I have a lot of paying it forward to do. Today as a start I payed forward the 'box'. I won't be able to use it. My RE has advised against it because my lining has been thin in the past. And if I can't use it someone else might as well. So it is off to the other side of the country. Yes from CA to Florida. Her and I have never met but on Wednesday just in time for CD 5 she will receive something I held just today. Amazing right? I don't know how to pay forward the other things yet but I will figure out how and one day will. It really is the little things others do for us that brighten our lives. Till then I keep trying to do little things to brighten other people's days, it is a great way to make the world a better place.
__________
I had to 'update' for legal reasons.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Last night of Femara!
Tonight will be my last night of Femara and I am very excited for it to be over. The Femara has been giving me headaches, sometimes they are so bad I have to close my eyes. I dug out the sun glasses today so I could do errands with out feeling like some one was stabbing me between the eyes. If Femara truly has less side effects than Clomid then I am NOT doing the Clomid!
My mom is having surgery in a week, on the same day as my projected IUI date. This is less than thrilling news. My mom needs the surgery but the timing is poor. It took me a few days but I decided to not worry about it. Mom is finding a ride to and from without me and R will take care of me that day. If my IUI is in the am afterward I will go to the hospital and wait for my mom. Hopefully this goes well and we both have great success. I LOVE her Dr and he is great so I know she will be fine. He does thousands of these a year and my mom has had this exact procedure before and a procedure like it 4 times before so honestly she should be fine. But that doesn't keep me from being a little worried about it. I am trying to relax though.
My sis and her kids left town yesterday. I had a wonderful visit with them and I am sure in a few weeks will miss them but for now I am glad they are gone. I love the kids but my sis and I just don't get along. She wasn't bad this visit but I just can't relate to her at all. So different and yet we are sisters.
My pre-conception blood work came back negative and so did R's, Woooo hooooo! Now all he has to do is pick up the paperwork and fax it to the RE office so that we are all set for the IUI. I am glad everything came back in time. It does take a huge weight off my shoulders to know that it is all in.
Today I had a pap done through K.aiser. It went well and she ran some extra STD tests for fun. I told her as long as it gets covered I could care less what she wants to run! She laughed. She told me she can't wait to see me KU. We also talked about why I chose RSC over K.aiser. I think she understood that not getting calls back and a wait list of 6 months for IVF isn't acceptable. Consult wait was 2+ months and there are 2 nurses there for LOTS of patients.
I have to admit that I have questionedz my choice once or twice but over all I feel confidant in RSC. I am endlessly worried about missing my ovulation on Femara but my nurse said that I can come in early before a + OPK and get extra monitoring if I feel that strongly about it. I do and if no + OPK by cd14 we will be going in that day for a follicle check.
That is all my news for now. As for how I feel about all of it "cautiously optimistic" best suits me most of the time. But I have moments of euphoria like today while shopping and someone mentioned twins. Just the idea of getting KU with twins thrills me! Mom bought be yet another lamb for my collection and that made me happy. She can't wait to be a grandma again and I can see her excitement in her face. We are all rather excited about my IUI and can't wait to see how well I respond. I really hope we get two follicles for the IUI, and while I know R doesn't want three, I wouldn't mind three follicles, after all that would increase the chance of twins. ;)
My mom is having surgery in a week, on the same day as my projected IUI date. This is less than thrilling news. My mom needs the surgery but the timing is poor. It took me a few days but I decided to not worry about it. Mom is finding a ride to and from without me and R will take care of me that day. If my IUI is in the am afterward I will go to the hospital and wait for my mom. Hopefully this goes well and we both have great success. I LOVE her Dr and he is great so I know she will be fine. He does thousands of these a year and my mom has had this exact procedure before and a procedure like it 4 times before so honestly she should be fine. But that doesn't keep me from being a little worried about it. I am trying to relax though.
My sis and her kids left town yesterday. I had a wonderful visit with them and I am sure in a few weeks will miss them but for now I am glad they are gone. I love the kids but my sis and I just don't get along. She wasn't bad this visit but I just can't relate to her at all. So different and yet we are sisters.
My pre-conception blood work came back negative and so did R's, Woooo hooooo! Now all he has to do is pick up the paperwork and fax it to the RE office so that we are all set for the IUI. I am glad everything came back in time. It does take a huge weight off my shoulders to know that it is all in.
Today I had a pap done through K.aiser. It went well and she ran some extra STD tests for fun. I told her as long as it gets covered I could care less what she wants to run! She laughed. She told me she can't wait to see me KU. We also talked about why I chose RSC over K.aiser. I think she understood that not getting calls back and a wait list of 6 months for IVF isn't acceptable. Consult wait was 2+ months and there are 2 nurses there for LOTS of patients.
I have to admit that I have questionedz my choice once or twice but over all I feel confidant in RSC. I am endlessly worried about missing my ovulation on Femara but my nurse said that I can come in early before a + OPK and get extra monitoring if I feel that strongly about it. I do and if no + OPK by cd14 we will be going in that day for a follicle check.
That is all my news for now. As for how I feel about all of it "cautiously optimistic" best suits me most of the time. But I have moments of euphoria like today while shopping and someone mentioned twins. Just the idea of getting KU with twins thrills me! Mom bought be yet another lamb for my collection and that made me happy. She can't wait to be a grandma again and I can see her excitement in her face. We are all rather excited about my IUI and can't wait to see how well I respond. I really hope we get two follicles for the IUI, and while I know R doesn't want three, I wouldn't mind three follicles, after all that would increase the chance of twins. ;)
Monday, March 31, 2008
The Cost of IF?
In the past I found lists like this very helpful about the COST of IF. So I thought I would begin to share what things cost at my clinic:
Female preconseption blood work: 125.00 (under 40yrs old only)
Male preconception blood work: 55.00
Cystic Fibrosis Carrier test: 135.00 per person
HSG: 500 (at cheapest place in town but a GREAT clinic!)
Saline SOnogram: 605
Seman Analysis: 240
Consultaion: 275
Reconsulation: up to 170
An IUI Cylce
Clomid: 5 dollars atWalmart for 5 50mg tablets (if doing 100mg it is 10 dollars a cycle)
Femara: 10-15 dollars a pill depending on where you go. Price a cycle = 100-150
Basic Clomid/Femara IUI cycle: 905
includes one ultrasound, HCG medication and nurse adminastration, Sperm wash, a single IUI and first HCG pregnancy test
2nd IUI in a cyle: 235(wash)+215(IUI)
Extra ultrasounds: 285
What we have spent so far: 1,777 plus Because when you think of all the OB visits and K.aiser blood work this doesn't include!
I will be updating this as I get more info about what other things cost.
Female preconseption blood work: 125.00 (under 40yrs old only)
Male preconception blood work: 55.00
Cystic Fibrosis Carrier test: 135.00 per person
HSG: 500 (at cheapest place in town but a GREAT clinic!)
Saline SOnogram: 605
Seman Analysis: 240
Consultaion: 275
Reconsulation: up to 170
An IUI Cylce
Clomid: 5 dollars atWalmart for 5 50mg tablets (if doing 100mg it is 10 dollars a cycle)
Femara: 10-15 dollars a pill depending on where you go. Price a cycle = 100-150
Basic Clomid/Femara IUI cycle: 905
includes one ultrasound, HCG medication and nurse adminastration, Sperm wash, a single IUI and first HCG pregnancy test
2nd IUI in a cyle: 235(wash)+215(IUI)
Extra ultrasounds: 285
What we have spent so far: 1,777 plus Because when you think of all the OB visits and K.aiser blood work this doesn't include!
I will be updating this as I get more info about what other things cost.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
What a weekend!
This weekend was filled with ups downs and driving all around!
Short Story:
AF arrived and their was tons of drama and a large mix up about money and prescriptions and for a short time I thought my clinic hated me and was ignoring my calls. But in the end everything is fine and I took my first Femara dose tonight. Pictures to prove it at the end.
Long Story:
Friday AF arrived and so the RE called my Femara script into the drug store. I didn't think K.aiser would cover it so we sent it elsewhere. Well that was a BAD idea! Femara costs 10-15 dollars a pill! According to the Dr it costs 2-3 dollars a pill but the CHEAPEST place I could find it at (costco) was 10 dollars a pill. But before I picked it up a nestie K told me K.aiser WILL pay for it because it is a cancer drug not a fertility drug (things like this is one more reason I LOVE thenes.t). It was too late to call the clinic back so I waited till Saturday morning to call.
Saturday we had three things to do: 1 get a written script from the RE to take to Kaiser and have filled there 2) get my blood work done at the recommended lab and 3) Get new tires for the car. I started calling the RE (different office than my regular one) at 7:29 one minute before they opened and left a message on the call line that said I would receive a call back in no more than 30 minutes. R and I decided to head off to the lab first and wait for a call back. At the lab there were LOTS of people and so we waited and waited and I called the clinic 2 more times each at 40 minute intervals. Still no word from the RE office. It is finally my turn for a blood draw and when I get up there she says " that will be one THOUSAND two HUNDRED and twenty two dollars". My eyes popped out of my face, my skin cringed and I nearly passed out. I told her my lab had "contract prices with them and they told me it would be 120" I even handed her the sheet that said so. The lab girl said "Nope it's.... 1,222 dollars". I told her we can't afford that and walked out.
Now if you know me you will know that I am the kind of person who will put up a fight to get what she wants but that day I had no fight. My clinic wasn't returning my calls and the lab work was going to be 10 times what they said and they miss quoted my drug price. I had had enough. I called the RE office one last time in the car on the way to the office and again got the answering service.
When we arrived I had already decided that I had had enough, and to sit a cycle out because obviously something wasn't going right.We walk in and I tell the front desk who I am and that I have called 5 times left 3 messages in 3.5 hours and have YET to receive a call back and they say "we haven't got any messages" I told them "YES YOU DO! I am NOT lying!" and sure enough they realize that their 'main' line is going to the OLD voice mail service not the new one and that is the reason they haven't received my calls.
The panic, frustration and anger melt and I become a sobbing mess, in their front room. A very nice nurse escorts us back and helps R calm me down. She promises me that whatever is going wrong she is going to fix. Of course she has to say this because I am sobbing to R "I change my mind I don't want to do this, it is too hard. Lets just try on our own". Upon hearing that she is going to help and after a few minutes of R holding me and telling me it will be fine I compose myself enough to talk to her. I tell her EVERYTHING and quickly she realizes the blood work slips I have been given are wrong and that the lab had the wrong info down for me. She begins to take care of it and in the end everything is fine. I get my blood work done (at the clinic so I don't have to drive back) and it costs me EXACTLY what the paper says, and I get a written script that K.aiser filled for the cost of my normal prescriptions.
We don't get the car tires change though because R decides he should just take me home feed me and let me nap, which I happily do.
Sunday: We get our new tires on the car and run errands, clean the house, have my niece and nephew over for dinner and tonight I took my first dose of Femara. Here are the pics to prove it!
Short Story:
AF arrived and their was tons of drama and a large mix up about money and prescriptions and for a short time I thought my clinic hated me and was ignoring my calls. But in the end everything is fine and I took my first Femara dose tonight. Pictures to prove it at the end.
Long Story:
Friday AF arrived and so the RE called my Femara script into the drug store. I didn't think K.aiser would cover it so we sent it elsewhere. Well that was a BAD idea! Femara costs 10-15 dollars a pill! According to the Dr it costs 2-3 dollars a pill but the CHEAPEST place I could find it at (costco) was 10 dollars a pill. But before I picked it up a nestie K told me K.aiser WILL pay for it because it is a cancer drug not a fertility drug (things like this is one more reason I LOVE thenes.t). It was too late to call the clinic back so I waited till Saturday morning to call.
Saturday we had three things to do: 1 get a written script from the RE to take to Kaiser and have filled there 2) get my blood work done at the recommended lab and 3) Get new tires for the car. I started calling the RE (different office than my regular one) at 7:29 one minute before they opened and left a message on the call line that said I would receive a call back in no more than 30 minutes. R and I decided to head off to the lab first and wait for a call back. At the lab there were LOTS of people and so we waited and waited and I called the clinic 2 more times each at 40 minute intervals. Still no word from the RE office. It is finally my turn for a blood draw and when I get up there she says " that will be one THOUSAND two HUNDRED and twenty two dollars". My eyes popped out of my face, my skin cringed and I nearly passed out. I told her my lab had "contract prices with them and they told me it would be 120" I even handed her the sheet that said so. The lab girl said "Nope it's.... 1,222 dollars". I told her we can't afford that and walked out.
Now if you know me you will know that I am the kind of person who will put up a fight to get what she wants but that day I had no fight. My clinic wasn't returning my calls and the lab work was going to be 10 times what they said and they miss quoted my drug price. I had had enough. I called the RE office one last time in the car on the way to the office and again got the answering service.
When we arrived I had already decided that I had had enough, and to sit a cycle out because obviously something wasn't going right.We walk in and I tell the front desk who I am and that I have called 5 times left 3 messages in 3.5 hours and have YET to receive a call back and they say "we haven't got any messages" I told them "YES YOU DO! I am NOT lying!" and sure enough they realize that their 'main' line is going to the OLD voice mail service not the new one and that is the reason they haven't received my calls.
The panic, frustration and anger melt and I become a sobbing mess, in their front room. A very nice nurse escorts us back and helps R calm me down. She promises me that whatever is going wrong she is going to fix. Of course she has to say this because I am sobbing to R "I change my mind I don't want to do this, it is too hard. Lets just try on our own". Upon hearing that she is going to help and after a few minutes of R holding me and telling me it will be fine I compose myself enough to talk to her. I tell her EVERYTHING and quickly she realizes the blood work slips I have been given are wrong and that the lab had the wrong info down for me. She begins to take care of it and in the end everything is fine. I get my blood work done (at the clinic so I don't have to drive back) and it costs me EXACTLY what the paper says, and I get a written script that K.aiser filled for the cost of my normal prescriptions.
We don't get the car tires change though because R decides he should just take me home feed me and let me nap, which I happily do.
Sunday: We get our new tires on the car and run errands, clean the house, have my niece and nephew over for dinner and tonight I took my first dose of Femara. Here are the pics to prove it!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I don't know how to feel
I am going to try to be as honest as I can bear today and the truth is I am torn and don't know how I feel or how I should feel about last night.
First of all she said with only 9 ovulatory cycles she said we could wait 3 more cycles to be deemed Infertile and then try or we should get the show on the road and try. Which isn't what she said at the meet and greet.
Second she said success for clomid/femara IUI is 12% and that clomid/femara + TI is 9% for their clinic. This seems low to me. She made sure to express that our clinic doesn't do "individualized success rates" so it goes by EVERYONE (no matter age or Dx) and that obviously given our age and Dx we would have a higher success rate.
Thirdly my ovaries and uterus look BEAUTIFUL! Even my lining was great! She did a follicle count (didn't realize this could be done at this point in my cycle but she did) and we found out my right is an under producer! Hmmmm. But my left looks good. She isn't worried because of my age and blood results.
So now we decide:
a) spend 1,000 dollars on an IUI with only 12% chance of working.
b) try on our own MORE
c) do what I have been told not to by all my nestie friends and take the clomid unmonitored and do TI (9% chance of working).
R and I didn't get a chance to really talk last night because I went out with friends and got drunk and played board games, and tonight we have my niece and nephew for the evening but sometime soon we will talk and decide. AF isn't here yet and she shows no sign of coming so that means we can take our time deciding what to do.
First of all she said with only 9 ovulatory cycles she said we could wait 3 more cycles to be deemed Infertile and then try or we should get the show on the road and try. Which isn't what she said at the meet and greet.
Second she said success for clomid/femara IUI is 12% and that clomid/femara + TI is 9% for their clinic. This seems low to me. She made sure to express that our clinic doesn't do "individualized success rates" so it goes by EVERYONE (no matter age or Dx) and that obviously given our age and Dx we would have a higher success rate.
Thirdly my ovaries and uterus look BEAUTIFUL! Even my lining was great! She did a follicle count (didn't realize this could be done at this point in my cycle but she did) and we found out my right is an under producer! Hmmmm. But my left looks good. She isn't worried because of my age and blood results.
So now we decide:
a) spend 1,000 dollars on an IUI with only 12% chance of working.
b) try on our own MORE
c) do what I have been told not to by all my nestie friends and take the clomid unmonitored and do TI (9% chance of working).
R and I didn't get a chance to really talk last night because I went out with friends and got drunk and played board games, and tonight we have my niece and nephew for the evening but sometime soon we will talk and decide. AF isn't here yet and she shows no sign of coming so that means we can take our time deciding what to do.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Such a sad day
So many others are hurting right now in my blogger world. I am at a loss for words.......
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Today I had lunch with my mom and she took me shopping. As we ate she got a very serious look on her face and said she wanted to ask me something about IF/treatment. I swallowed hard but tried not to show how panicked I was on the outside. After some mumbling and trying to find the right words I realized what she was trying to ask was "Why do treatment now?". It is a completely legitimate quesion but it still stung, until I realized she didn't mean it in a judgemental way. She was just asking why treat it now if there is a chance I will get pg on my own since there are no know factors with us.
My answer was that while you hear about people getting pg after "years of treatment or adopting" that that is very rare. That truly most people who go past the year mark NEED treatment to get pg and will not get pg on their own. This completely satisfied her, although she did want to know if R's age could be a factor (33yrs old). I told her no since his SA came back great.
It felt good to have her ask something about it in such a non-judgmental way. I like being asked questions about IF, I like knowing people care about me but I don't like it when I feel judged about it. I think my mom has really turned this coroner. She is starting to "get it" and I know she wants to be a grandma again. While shopping she said to me she couldn't wait to get me my first maternity outfit. I told her I would love that. She is a wonderful mom, and while at times we don't understand each other, other times she understands me better than anyone in the world.
PS No AF yet BFN again this AM (cd 33 and 19 dpo). Thus no 2008 baby for us. :(
-------------
Today I had lunch with my mom and she took me shopping. As we ate she got a very serious look on her face and said she wanted to ask me something about IF/treatment. I swallowed hard but tried not to show how panicked I was on the outside. After some mumbling and trying to find the right words I realized what she was trying to ask was "Why do treatment now?". It is a completely legitimate quesion but it still stung, until I realized she didn't mean it in a judgemental way. She was just asking why treat it now if there is a chance I will get pg on my own since there are no know factors with us.
My answer was that while you hear about people getting pg after "years of treatment or adopting" that that is very rare. That truly most people who go past the year mark NEED treatment to get pg and will not get pg on their own. This completely satisfied her, although she did want to know if R's age could be a factor (33yrs old). I told her no since his SA came back great.
It felt good to have her ask something about it in such a non-judgmental way. I like being asked questions about IF, I like knowing people care about me but I don't like it when I feel judged about it. I think my mom has really turned this coroner. She is starting to "get it" and I know she wants to be a grandma again. While shopping she said to me she couldn't wait to get me my first maternity outfit. I told her I would love that. She is a wonderful mom, and while at times we don't understand each other, other times she understands me better than anyone in the world.
PS No AF yet BFN again this AM (cd 33 and 19 dpo). Thus no 2008 baby for us. :(
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
7 Holistic Steps for Fertility
Resolve had a confrence call where Cathy Lauer spoke about the 7 holistic steps for fertility and her website has a bunch of info on it.
This is a few general notes – she said that the most healing happens in the lower numbers of steps. There is no set time that you should spend in each step. Also, as you engage in the higher number steps, use the lower ones for support. A note on that though – when it gets to herbs, tonics, etc – she feels that when you’re going through a chemically managed cycle, you don’t want to mess with it. The doctors have you going through a certain protocol for a reason. That said, as far as the herbal infusions – she views those more as nourishment. If it’s part of our daily regime before starting meds, she personally wouldn’t stop doing it – it’s a personal decision though.
Ok, so the steps. She starts with 0, instead of 1, but I didn’t really catch why.
0 – DO NOTHING. This is where sleep and meditation fall. Unplug the clock/phone/email and take yourself off the calendar. This is important when you’re exhausted or overwhelmed. Extreme fatigue indicates a profound need to do nothing.
1 – GATHER INFORMATION regarding fertility (in general and your specific situation.) Use reference books (she mentioned TCOYF), support groups, online research, communication with your partner. This is also where low tech diagnosis falls (fertile mucus observation, BBT, OPK, SA, etc.) She really stressed here that as you gather information you need to keep in mind that you are working with the mystery of life. No one can guarantee pregnancy. Relieve yourself of expectation of guaranteed pregnancy. Life remains a mystery, even when it’s scientifically explained
2 – ENGAGE THE ENERGY. This includes couples counseling, individual therapy, visualization techniques, guided imagery, laughter, tears, prayer, reconnective healing, and flower essences.
Guided imagery – she really recommended recordings by Belle Ruth Naperstek. I believe they are called Health Journeys. It sounds like she has many options – relating to fertility or not.
She also recommended the Whole Person Fertility program by Niravi Payne (http://www.niravi.com/).
Reconnective Healing – http://www.thereconnection.com/ or a book by Eric Pearl.
Essences of flowers – you injest a few drops a day. She explained the different ones, and listed her favorites. In parentheses after each is where she suggested to buy them from. Watermelon (http://www.fesflowers.com/), Sweet Annie (Delta Gardens), Pomegranate (Fes)
3 – NOURISH AND TONIFY. Give your body what it needs to do the job it’s designed to do. This includes herbal infusion, life style changes, physical activities (yoga, exercise), love and rest. Remember that it takes your whole body to make a baby.
Herbal infusions – they are a strong tea. If you go to her website and then articles, you can read about each and how to make the tea. Her favorites are Oatstraw, Nettles, Red clover blossoms, and red raspberry leaf. You can alternate days or even blend them. Her favorite places to purchase them from are http://www.mountainroseherbs.com/, http://www.fronteirherbs.com/, and http://www.blessedherbs.com/.
She also discussed chaste tree berry (vitex) for a bit, and pointed out that this is a tonic instead of a strengthening herb.
*There wasn’t much time left so she went quickly through the last ones.
4 - STIMULATE OR SEDATE. This is herbal remedies, acupuncture, alcohol (obviously she doesn’t recommend that.)
5a – USE SUPPLEMENTS. Vitamin E is especially important to fertility. If you get it from food it’s considered to be in step 3.
5b – USE DRUGS. This is where hormone medication falls.
6 – BREAK AND ENTER. This is where the more invasive procedures occur. Surgery, certain diagnostics, IVF, etc.
This is a few general notes – she said that the most healing happens in the lower numbers of steps. There is no set time that you should spend in each step. Also, as you engage in the higher number steps, use the lower ones for support. A note on that though – when it gets to herbs, tonics, etc – she feels that when you’re going through a chemically managed cycle, you don’t want to mess with it. The doctors have you going through a certain protocol for a reason. That said, as far as the herbal infusions – she views those more as nourishment. If it’s part of our daily regime before starting meds, she personally wouldn’t stop doing it – it’s a personal decision though.
Ok, so the steps. She starts with 0, instead of 1, but I didn’t really catch why.
0 – DO NOTHING. This is where sleep and meditation fall. Unplug the clock/phone/email and take yourself off the calendar. This is important when you’re exhausted or overwhelmed. Extreme fatigue indicates a profound need to do nothing.
1 – GATHER INFORMATION regarding fertility (in general and your specific situation.) Use reference books (she mentioned TCOYF), support groups, online research, communication with your partner. This is also where low tech diagnosis falls (fertile mucus observation, BBT, OPK, SA, etc.) She really stressed here that as you gather information you need to keep in mind that you are working with the mystery of life. No one can guarantee pregnancy. Relieve yourself of expectation of guaranteed pregnancy. Life remains a mystery, even when it’s scientifically explained
2 – ENGAGE THE ENERGY. This includes couples counseling, individual therapy, visualization techniques, guided imagery, laughter, tears, prayer, reconnective healing, and flower essences.
Guided imagery – she really recommended recordings by Belle Ruth Naperstek. I believe they are called Health Journeys. It sounds like she has many options – relating to fertility or not.
She also recommended the Whole Person Fertility program by Niravi Payne (http://www.niravi.com/).
Reconnective Healing – http://www.thereconnection.com/ or a book by Eric Pearl.
Essences of flowers – you injest a few drops a day. She explained the different ones, and listed her favorites. In parentheses after each is where she suggested to buy them from. Watermelon (http://www.fesflowers.com/), Sweet Annie (Delta Gardens), Pomegranate (Fes)
3 – NOURISH AND TONIFY. Give your body what it needs to do the job it’s designed to do. This includes herbal infusion, life style changes, physical activities (yoga, exercise), love and rest. Remember that it takes your whole body to make a baby.
Herbal infusions – they are a strong tea. If you go to her website and then articles, you can read about each and how to make the tea. Her favorites are Oatstraw, Nettles, Red clover blossoms, and red raspberry leaf. You can alternate days or even blend them. Her favorite places to purchase them from are http://www.mountainroseherbs.com/, http://www.fronteirherbs.com/, and http://www.blessedherbs.com/.
She also discussed chaste tree berry (vitex) for a bit, and pointed out that this is a tonic instead of a strengthening herb.
*There wasn’t much time left so she went quickly through the last ones.
4 - STIMULATE OR SEDATE. This is herbal remedies, acupuncture, alcohol (obviously she doesn’t recommend that.)
5a – USE SUPPLEMENTS. Vitamin E is especially important to fertility. If you get it from food it’s considered to be in step 3.
5b – USE DRUGS. This is where hormone medication falls.
6 – BREAK AND ENTER. This is where the more invasive procedures occur. Surgery, certain diagnostics, IVF, etc.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Fortune cookies as predicters of fate?
Being sick I have had little appetite all day but I convinced DH to pick my up some Chinese food including some Hot and Sour soup. It was wonderful soup but the fortune just about made my week. Some of you know One out of Six, she is a nestie like me, who is dealing with IF. Well today she got her BFP! (congrats BTW) but early last week she got a fortune that read "Good news of a long-awaited event will arrive soon." Another nestie who writes Will They Have His Eyes? also got a fortune cookie in the last week and her's read "your heart's dearest wish will come true". And while she hasn't tested yet I hope and pray this is her cycle. Then tonight my fortune read "Now is he time to call loved ones at a distance. Share your news." I hope this is as good of a sign as hers was. If not this cycle then next.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Tonight's Meet and Greet at theRE office
Tonight was the ‘meet and greet’ with our fertility clinic. We arrived early after R took me to dinner at In and Out. There is very little fast food I LOVE but I LOVE In and Out. Something about their ‘double double’ makes me melt. It was a cheat from a diet stand point but it felt very good. So we arrive and of course are the first people/couple there. I got to ask the nurse a bunch of questions about protocol and then couple number 2 arrived. Well what do you know I KNOW couple number 2! She is a NESTIE!!!!!
We chatted for a while, while our husbands looked horrified as if they had just been outed. (It was rather funny, IMO.) More couples arrived and finally we started. The Dr was very nice and she went over mostly IVF stuff. We toured the facility and it was nice. At the end of the slide show everyone asked questions, I left my Selective Reduction and IUI questions till the end, knowing they weren’t applicable to most and that the SR ones would be offensive to some.
The Dr answered all my questions and then R’s and told us she would be happy to answer any more at our consult. We left feeling really good about everything.
She talked a lot about different studies including the study that showed jumping to IVF and skipping injectable IUIs showed higher number of pg and less cost to couples in the no IUI group. I was happy to hear her thoughts on that study and the others. She also mentioned they have the lowest % of HOM (triplets or higher) for our area, while maintaining above average success. Others ohhed and awed but I asked he about their canceled rate which is only average for the area. She had no thoughts on this but I did get a sense that she was a good DR. Her personality also fit mine and R’s so I think we have our RE! R liked her a lot and he seems confidant in the clinic. She practices at the clinic nearest us so it all works out well.
We chatted for a while, while our husbands looked horrified as if they had just been outed. (It was rather funny, IMO.) More couples arrived and finally we started. The Dr was very nice and she went over mostly IVF stuff. We toured the facility and it was nice. At the end of the slide show everyone asked questions, I left my Selective Reduction and IUI questions till the end, knowing they weren’t applicable to most and that the SR ones would be offensive to some.
The Dr answered all my questions and then R’s and told us she would be happy to answer any more at our consult. We left feeling really good about everything.
She talked a lot about different studies including the study that showed jumping to IVF and skipping injectable IUIs showed higher number of pg and less cost to couples in the no IUI group. I was happy to hear her thoughts on that study and the others. She also mentioned they have the lowest % of HOM (triplets or higher) for our area, while maintaining above average success. Others ohhed and awed but I asked he about their canceled rate which is only average for the area. She had no thoughts on this but I did get a sense that she was a good DR. Her personality also fit mine and R’s so I think we have our RE! R liked her a lot and he seems confidant in the clinic. She practices at the clinic nearest us so it all works out well.
Friday, March 7, 2008
12 Steps to IF Recovery
Yes, yes I know I just blogged! ButI found something I HAD to share it is from Comming2Terms, my absolute FAVORITE IF blog. No suger coating it over there ladies so watch out. Today she wrote this and this I am "stealing" (not sure it is truely stealling since I am giveing her credit) her 12 steps to IF recovery.
"1) Acknowledge that you can't get pregnant the 'old school' way -- it doesn't seem to matter how many candles have been lit, whether the mood-setting or the spiritual kind.
2) Consult an army of specialists -- you've followed advice found in books, online or compliments of old wives tales to no avail; proceed to western medicine-staffed fertility clinics eager to sell you services.
3) Spend boatloads of money on treatments with low percentages of success -- meanwhile your friends procreate like mad, remodel their homes, buy new cars and otherwise stimulate the economy.
4) Explore the Eastern practice of medicine -- why not? you will leave no stone unturned.
5) Avoid malls, parks and any child-themed locale -- there's no need to subject yourself unnecessarily to that which you cannot seem to have.
6) Buy a ticket to Denial -- any place is preferable to the reality of Infertility land
7) Declare war on all smug parents -- these thoughtless creatures are to be avoided at all cost.
8) Withdraw from social obligations that revolve around other people's children -- self-preservation becomes essential at this stage.
9) Start an Infertility blog -- express your thoughts and properly vent your pent-up emotions; discover a little utopia along the way, your own Private Idaho as it were.
10) Exit the Infertility treatment maze -- you're tired of running into dead ends; arrive at either successful treatment, child-free living or pursue adoption (in the latter case be prepared for more expense and invasive procedures).
11) Hang out in Infertility Rehab -- slowly attempt to re-engage and co-exist with friends and colleagues and their child-filled lives ... perhaps write a book?
12)Fully re-enter society -- accept that you're forever changed by Infertility but know that society, largely, will never fully understand what you have been through and/or continue to battle. (Warning: re-entry can be exacerbated by those who don't give a flying fig about Infertility's collateral damage.)"
So what I want to know from all of you is (if you are dealing with IF) where are you in the steps.
ME: I have done 1, 8, and 9
"1) Acknowledge that you can't get pregnant the 'old school' way -- it doesn't seem to matter how many candles have been lit, whether the mood-setting or the spiritual kind.
2) Consult an army of specialists -- you've followed advice found in books, online or compliments of old wives tales to no avail; proceed to western medicine-staffed fertility clinics eager to sell you services.
3) Spend boatloads of money on treatments with low percentages of success -- meanwhile your friends procreate like mad, remodel their homes, buy new cars and otherwise stimulate the economy.
4) Explore the Eastern practice of medicine -- why not? you will leave no stone unturned.
5) Avoid malls, parks and any child-themed locale -- there's no need to subject yourself unnecessarily to that which you cannot seem to have.
6) Buy a ticket to Denial -- any place is preferable to the reality of Infertility land
7) Declare war on all smug parents -- these thoughtless creatures are to be avoided at all cost.
8) Withdraw from social obligations that revolve around other people's children -- self-preservation becomes essential at this stage.
9) Start an Infertility blog -- express your thoughts and properly vent your pent-up emotions; discover a little utopia along the way, your own Private Idaho as it were.
10) Exit the Infertility treatment maze -- you're tired of running into dead ends; arrive at either successful treatment, child-free living or pursue adoption (in the latter case be prepared for more expense and invasive procedures).
11) Hang out in Infertility Rehab -- slowly attempt to re-engage and co-exist with friends and colleagues and their child-filled lives ... perhaps write a book?
12)Fully re-enter society -- accept that you're forever changed by Infertility but know that society, largely, will never fully understand what you have been through and/or continue to battle. (Warning: re-entry can be exacerbated by those who don't give a flying fig about Infertility's collateral damage.)"
So what I want to know from all of you is (if you are dealing with IF) where are you in the steps.
ME: I have done 1, 8, and 9
lots of money and treatment talk
I am feeling much better today. R and I have had a few talks and he is feeling really hesitant about doing IUIs he says since I have only had 7 cycles since starting to try over a year ago. He thinks we should give it a full year, this would put us in July before we do treatment. That is too long for me. We talked some more and more and more about it. We both think May is a good compromise for our first IUI. In the mean time we will be doing the "Meet and Greet" on Monday, yes THIS Monday! I have three more pages of paperwork to fill out and then am done. We also will go ahead and decide on which office of the clinic to use next week and then which DR will be our primary. Then set up a consult visit for the end of this month. The clinic books about about 3 weeks in advance so we may not get in for it until April but I am okay with that.
My mom is also paying for the consult for us. So sweet of her and I love that she offered this. She also offered to 'loan' us the money for almost two IUIs. R doesn't want to take it but I told him we should think about it more. It would be a zero percent loan and it means we could do three or four treatment cycles in a row, without worrying about dipping to much into our savings. Her only thing is that we would need to pay the money back in two years. She also told me that if it comes to IVF she wants to be involved in the decision about financing it. I told her that I would be happy to include her in some of that but that this is R and my decision. She said she just wanted to help finance it. I told her that was fine and I was thankful she wants to help. She really does try, I know some times she comes off harsh but she said the other day "I really am ready for you to have a baby". It almost made me cry, since she wasn't so happy about us trying at first.
In other IF news my friend 'M' who is a local friend and who also has IF is pg from her most recent cycle of clomid! Congrats M!!! I am so thrilled for you.
I also got an update from Corrie, who I have spoken about before, the judge ruled that there was an issue about the bio-dad and contact and he wasn't properly contacted and thus bio-dad COULD fight for custody. And then three days latter new evidence appeared and on Monday the judge pulled his ruling and agreed to hear the new evidence! So they are back at court. Their son Jordan is now 8 months old and I keep wondering when this hell will end for them. If you pray, PLEASE pray for Corrie.
My mom is also paying for the consult for us. So sweet of her and I love that she offered this. She also offered to 'loan' us the money for almost two IUIs. R doesn't want to take it but I told him we should think about it more. It would be a zero percent loan and it means we could do three or four treatment cycles in a row, without worrying about dipping to much into our savings. Her only thing is that we would need to pay the money back in two years. She also told me that if it comes to IVF she wants to be involved in the decision about financing it. I told her that I would be happy to include her in some of that but that this is R and my decision. She said she just wanted to help finance it. I told her that was fine and I was thankful she wants to help. She really does try, I know some times she comes off harsh but she said the other day "I really am ready for you to have a baby". It almost made me cry, since she wasn't so happy about us trying at first.
In other IF news my friend 'M' who is a local friend and who also has IF is pg from her most recent cycle of clomid! Congrats M!!! I am so thrilled for you.
I also got an update from Corrie, who I have spoken about before, the judge ruled that there was an issue about the bio-dad and contact and he wasn't properly contacted and thus bio-dad COULD fight for custody. And then three days latter new evidence appeared and on Monday the judge pulled his ruling and agreed to hear the new evidence! So they are back at court. Their son Jordan is now 8 months old and I keep wondering when this hell will end for them. If you pray, PLEASE pray for Corrie.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Ramdom tid bits
People keep asking me how I am. So I want to be honest with you all.
I am:
better than I was a month ago
worse than 3 months ago
but all in all okay
I have learned that I don't need to be happy and sunshining all the time if that isn't how I feel. IF has made me bitter but it has also made me resiliant, and has tought me to seek help when needed. It has taught me about my relationship with others as well. These lesons were hard to learn but I needed to learn them. I also realized that I will be okay, I will never go back to the way I was but that isn't a bad thing. I am a changed person and I accept that.
On thenest there was a poll about crying. I didn't cry all weekend even though I normally cry every other day or so. But today I was reading this and bauled like a baby. Thanks Maria (MKC101103) it was a good cry.
There also have been quite a few posts on the t-ttc board from friends of IF girls. They want to know how they can help thier friends. I look at those posts and wish I had friends like that. I wish I had a good or best friend wo understood what this was like. Not because I would want them to go through it but because it would be so nice to really talk to someone daily about this who is in the same room as me.
I am:
better than I was a month ago
worse than 3 months ago
but all in all okay
I have learned that I don't need to be happy and sunshining all the time if that isn't how I feel. IF has made me bitter but it has also made me resiliant, and has tought me to seek help when needed. It has taught me about my relationship with others as well. These lesons were hard to learn but I needed to learn them. I also realized that I will be okay, I will never go back to the way I was but that isn't a bad thing. I am a changed person and I accept that.
On thenest there was a poll about crying. I didn't cry all weekend even though I normally cry every other day or so. But today I was reading this and bauled like a baby. Thanks Maria (MKC101103) it was a good cry.
There also have been quite a few posts on the t-ttc board from friends of IF girls. They want to know how they can help thier friends. I look at those posts and wish I had friends like that. I wish I had a good or best friend wo understood what this was like. Not because I would want them to go through it but because it would be so nice to really talk to someone daily about this who is in the same room as me.
Monday, January 21, 2008
CD 2
It is so great to be able to say that!
R and I sat down last night and since I can't do the HSG or SHG tests and I will be out of town at 7dpo for the progesterone test we decided to not chart this cycle. This means I can go on vacation and not worry about ovulation or tests. I will be back in time to do the HSG or SHG next cycle. It feels good to be on the same page again. R and I have some things we need to work out but at least now we are back to being on the same page about things.
I called up Kaiser for their couples communication class and left a message for them to call us back. Hopefully they will call me back in the next few days and get us enrolled soon. It isn't that our marriage is falling apart but we could use some extra skills to help us at this point. I love R and we both are willing to do whatever it takes to make all this work, we just need some skills to help us make this work.
In other fertility news D called me today. She and her partner K had fertility treatments done years ago and now have three healthy children. I had called D last week to see if I could get the name of the Dr they used. She found me the name and number of him but K wanted to talk to me about their experience. She has tomorrow off of work so I will call her then and hear what she has to say. I am thankful they are willing to be open with me about everything and think talking to them will help.
I still have to decide on a clinic to use. Right now I am looking at Kaiser's clinic, SRFC, and the Dr K and D used. Hopefully I will be able to decide on one soon. If I can't make up my mind then R has voted we use Kaiser. I am more inclined to use someone else but we will see.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to pick one out let me know. R and I can't afford to 'shop around' so whom ever we set up our initial consult with we will likely use.
R and I sat down last night and since I can't do the HSG or SHG tests and I will be out of town at 7dpo for the progesterone test we decided to not chart this cycle. This means I can go on vacation and not worry about ovulation or tests. I will be back in time to do the HSG or SHG next cycle. It feels good to be on the same page again. R and I have some things we need to work out but at least now we are back to being on the same page about things.
I called up Kaiser for their couples communication class and left a message for them to call us back. Hopefully they will call me back in the next few days and get us enrolled soon. It isn't that our marriage is falling apart but we could use some extra skills to help us at this point. I love R and we both are willing to do whatever it takes to make all this work, we just need some skills to help us make this work.
In other fertility news D called me today. She and her partner K had fertility treatments done years ago and now have three healthy children. I had called D last week to see if I could get the name of the Dr they used. She found me the name and number of him but K wanted to talk to me about their experience. She has tomorrow off of work so I will call her then and hear what she has to say. I am thankful they are willing to be open with me about everything and think talking to them will help.
I still have to decide on a clinic to use. Right now I am looking at Kaiser's clinic, SRFC, and the Dr K and D used. Hopefully I will be able to decide on one soon. If I can't make up my mind then R has voted we use Kaiser. I am more inclined to use someone else but we will see.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to pick one out let me know. R and I can't afford to 'shop around' so whom ever we set up our initial consult with we will likely use.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Moving Forward
I had yet another appt with an OB today! Ya I am a regular there. This time with Dr. D. I had forgotten how much I loved Dr D, I love how willing he is to go above and beyond the call of duty. Today I am 13dpo and am hopeful of a BFP this cycle, I also know it is a long shot. I went in to ask for 2 things. One that he refer me to the HSG, since if he refers me and not a RE it might actually get covered by my insurance. Number 2 was for P4 tests for the next few months. I want to see the quality of my ovulation. He agreed to BOTH! WOOOOHOOOOO!
He also did an u/s not to look for a baby because it is WAY to early to see that but to see if my linning was thick and to check for polops and other things that can impeade implantaion. I looked good. My cirvix looked good too, which is great since I no one has ever talked to me about it. He told me that if I wanted I could come in for a saline histo-sonogram, or something like that, that he would do it in a regular office visit. This is great news since it means I will only have to pay my co-pay 30$ for it rather than 529$ which is what the Kaiser RE office charges plus a exspanded visit charge of 207$.
The only sad thing about this visit was that insurance wont cover the HSG and that will ALL be OOP. :( I don't have an exact price but somewhere around 800 is what the nurse said. There goes my BugaBoo stroller. Believe me I am happy to have been able to slide so much under the table but I constantly feel reminded that if insurance would just cover this I wouldn't be having a money issue. Hear is our list of what we have been able to slide under the table.
So far we haven't had to pay the full price for:
SA
CD 3 b/w
P4 test
2 ultrasounds (to look at my linning)
and now the SGH
but a little part of me is still really shocked at how much this is all going to cost us. After all this was supposed to be easy.
After my OB visit I went next door, yup at Kaiser the RE office is right next door to the OB/GYN (thankfully thay don't share a waiting room!) and asked about my intake forms. They hadn't processed them yet. Right now they are completly back loged. However since I was there and no one was waiting she went ahead and processed them! Wooohoooo! She gave me a folder and a price sheet, which scared the CRAP out of me and then....
she made me my first appt. MARCH 4th at 11 am
By then I need to have the HSG and SHG done and she told me that if I didn't I sould call in and rescedual the appt.
I have a feeling that when I talk to R tonight things will be moving to fast for him and he will want to wait. I am okay by that, infact I kinda feel like this is moving really fast. I mean I knew it might be like this but I also thought it might take months. I have to admit I am scared but also excited. So R and I have a LOT to talk about!
He also did an u/s not to look for a baby because it is WAY to early to see that but to see if my linning was thick and to check for polops and other things that can impeade implantaion. I looked good. My cirvix looked good too, which is great since I no one has ever talked to me about it. He told me that if I wanted I could come in for a saline histo-sonogram, or something like that, that he would do it in a regular office visit. This is great news since it means I will only have to pay my co-pay 30$ for it rather than 529$ which is what the Kaiser RE office charges plus a exspanded visit charge of 207$.
The only sad thing about this visit was that insurance wont cover the HSG and that will ALL be OOP. :( I don't have an exact price but somewhere around 800 is what the nurse said. There goes my BugaBoo stroller. Believe me I am happy to have been able to slide so much under the table but I constantly feel reminded that if insurance would just cover this I wouldn't be having a money issue. Hear is our list of what we have been able to slide under the table.
So far we haven't had to pay the full price for:
SA
CD 3 b/w
P4 test
2 ultrasounds (to look at my linning)
and now the SGH
but a little part of me is still really shocked at how much this is all going to cost us. After all this was supposed to be easy.
After my OB visit I went next door, yup at Kaiser the RE office is right next door to the OB/GYN (thankfully thay don't share a waiting room!) and asked about my intake forms. They hadn't processed them yet. Right now they are completly back loged. However since I was there and no one was waiting she went ahead and processed them! Wooohoooo! She gave me a folder and a price sheet, which scared the CRAP out of me and then....
she made me my first appt. MARCH 4th at 11 am
By then I need to have the HSG and SHG done and she told me that if I didn't I sould call in and rescedual the appt.
I have a feeling that when I talk to R tonight things will be moving to fast for him and he will want to wait. I am okay by that, infact I kinda feel like this is moving really fast. I mean I knew it might be like this but I also thought it might take months. I have to admit I am scared but also excited. So R and I have a LOT to talk about!
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