Broken

I feel very broken today. I am sure many people going through IF feel this way but today I feel it 10 times worse than ever before. It is cd17 and I have had two temp spikes but my temp refuses to stay up for more than days and thus Fertility Friend isn't seeing an O pattern. Also the stupid OPKs are refusing to work for me. I may never see a positive anything!!!! DH and I have been having some great sex but all the sex and wonderful swimmers in the world won't help if I don't Ovulate. I have been so worried about my temp I am barley sleeping which makes the whole charting thing even more imposable. I just feel broken and defeated.I am wearing my Angie bracelet today to help but even it seems to be letting me down today.

To make it all worse R is not ready to see an RE. He is ready to be a father but not get treatment. I am devastated in many ways about this. He said is is ready to actually talk to someone about what his SA means and so on the 2nd he will call his Dr and get a referral to the Urologist. Also next cycle I will get an HSG (if stupid Kaiser will get me in for the appt). I am looking forward to at least getting some answers. At least that way if my tubes are blocked or something is REALLY wrong we will know.

I am just sad that it couldn't be easy. Why can't I be one of the fertile mertiles?

I Oed!!

Sorry it has been so long since my last post but I have been incredibly busy. I am thinking I should work my was from last post and then get current. So here we go.

After multiple break downs about wither on not I was going to ever ovulate this cylce Fertility Friend finally put in my ovulation date as the 28th. I was thrilled until my temp plummeted on Monday but FF still said I had Oed. I tried to be hopeful but couldn't so I called my OB and asked the nurse for a P4 test. He gave me this huge spiel about driving myself crazy and how he wouldn't do this every month. How it takes healthy couples about 6-9 months to get pg on average. I tuned him out. All I wanted to know was that he would give me the test, and he said he would this month so I was happy.

I went out to lunch with mom that day and told her about the test. She said while she is excited about knowing if I ovulate but that she wasn't going to get supper excited till I got a + pg test. I told her I was okay with that but in truth I was a little disappointed. I want her to be happy with me now! After all what if this is as good as it gets?

Thursday (yesterday) I went in to get blood work done. I wanted to call last night but didn't because I knew they might not have the results yet and that knowing they weren't in yet would somehow make waiting worse. I called today at about 10 am. We wanted anything above 10. I wanted something between 12 and 15. What I didn't want was 9.8 or anything like 10.1 because that would be to close and I would still question ovulation. So when she told me 13.2 I screamed!!! I literally screamed with joy. I told her I was so happy and thank you as if she had anything to do with my high numbers. Then I apologized for screaming. She told me it was okay and that she was happy she made my day. I wanted to reach into the phone and kiss her I was so happy. When I hung up I continued to do happy screams for a moment and then called R (husband). He was happy to get good news too. Of course this tells us nothing about pg but I am hopeful. And now I only have a week left until testing. Come on June Baby!!!