Baby Showers and 1st B-day Parties

Today I missed my very first baby shower due to IF. If you know me IRL you will know that I LOVE babies, baby showers and all things infant related and have since, well since forever. However a month ago when Leah's shower invite came in the mail I almost immediately decided I wouldn't be going. Don't get me wrong I love Leah. We have know each other since I was born and her mom and my mom are really good, almost best, friends. But Leah and I haven't spoken directly in years and lately baby showers have lost their appeal. If it were a friend's or family member's shower I would have gone but I couldn't see putting myself through that for someone I don't speak to often. I did however send a gift with my mom.

Last weekend was also a 1st B-day party for R's cousin's youngest son (did you follow that?). Somehow we were missed on the e-vite list and thus she called us two days before the event inviting us. We didn't have plans for that day but there was no way R was going to get me to go. This cousin is the same one who's husband called me infertile at Christmas and the one whose daughter's 4h B-day party I was bombarded with the question "when will you guys have a baby?" (if you missed these two stories they both can be found HERE) R was upset I wouldn't go, we barely see any of his family as it is and now I wasn't willing to go to a child's B-day party. He didn't get it at all until I reminded he what happened last time we saw these people. He was still hurt about missing it, after all it really isn't his fault his family is a bunch of insensitive idiots, is it?

He still thinks I should just put up a shield and not let other people's comments bother me. For a while I did that but my shield is crumpled and defective now from fending off others comments such as "I can't imagine having to chart my husband just looks at me and I get pg" or "are you sure your doing it correctly?". It has been warn down to nothing even in my short battle. I am in need of a new one, and sadly emotional shield's aren't like new shoes where you can go to the store and get new ones. Emotional shields are like self esteem and good eating habits, once broken they take a long time to mend and make new again.

So I skipped these joyful family events in the name of self preservation and survival. It isn't that their joy doesn't touch me, it is that their joy reminds me of the part of me missing. I know there are ladies out there who don't feel this way even in the wake of multiple m/c but my IF has warped me in ways I am only beginning to understand. And while others, including R, might see this as selfish, I know others out there are nodding their heads in agreement with me.

In other news I am taking a HUGE leap of faith, not in them but in me, and inviting two of my Best friends to read the blog. Until know this blog has only been know to people I know via thenest some of whom I am friends with IRL and people who stumble across it. So hi Shannon and Holly hope this gives you a little insight into me.