Today I missed my very first baby shower due to IF. If you know me IRL you will know that I LOVE babies, baby showers and all things infant related and have since, well since forever. However a month ago when Leah's shower invite came in the mail I almost immediately decided I wouldn't be going. Don't get me wrong I love Leah. We have know each other since I was born and her mom and my mom are really good, almost best, friends. But Leah and I haven't spoken directly in years and lately baby showers have lost their appeal. If it were a friend's or family member's shower I would have gone but I couldn't see putting myself through that for someone I don't speak to often. I did however send a gift with my mom.
Last weekend was also a 1st B-day party for R's cousin's youngest son (did you follow that?). Somehow we were missed on the e-vite list and thus she called us two days before the event inviting us. We didn't have plans for that day but there was no way R was going to get me to go. This cousin is the same one who's husband called me infertile at Christmas and the one whose daughter's 4h B-day party I was bombarded with the question "when will you guys have a baby?" (if you missed these two stories they both can be found HERE) R was upset I wouldn't go, we barely see any of his family as it is and now I wasn't willing to go to a child's B-day party. He didn't get it at all until I reminded he what happened last time we saw these people. He was still hurt about missing it, after all it really isn't his fault his family is a bunch of insensitive idiots, is it?
He still thinks I should just put up a shield and not let other people's comments bother me. For a while I did that but my shield is crumpled and defective now from fending off others comments such as "I can't imagine having to chart my husband just looks at me and I get pg" or "are you sure your doing it correctly?". It has been warn down to nothing even in my short battle. I am in need of a new one, and sadly emotional shield's aren't like new shoes where you can go to the store and get new ones. Emotional shields are like self esteem and good eating habits, once broken they take a long time to mend and make new again.
So I skipped these joyful family events in the name of self preservation and survival. It isn't that their joy doesn't touch me, it is that their joy reminds me of the part of me missing. I know there are ladies out there who don't feel this way even in the wake of multiple m/c but my IF has warped me in ways I am only beginning to understand. And while others, including R, might see this as selfish, I know others out there are nodding their heads in agreement with me.
In other news I am taking a HUGE leap of faith, not in them but in me, and inviting two of my Best friends to read the blog. Until know this blog has only been know to people I know via thenest some of whom I am friends with IRL and people who stumble across it. So hi Shannon and Holly hope this gives you a little insight into me.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Tonight's Meet and Greet at theRE office
Tonight was the ‘meet and greet’ with our fertility clinic. We arrived early after R took me to dinner at In and Out. There is very little fast food I LOVE but I LOVE In and Out. Something about their ‘double double’ makes me melt. It was a cheat from a diet stand point but it felt very good. So we arrive and of course are the first people/couple there. I got to ask the nurse a bunch of questions about protocol and then couple number 2 arrived. Well what do you know I KNOW couple number 2! She is a NESTIE!!!!!
We chatted for a while, while our husbands looked horrified as if they had just been outed. (It was rather funny, IMO.) More couples arrived and finally we started. The Dr was very nice and she went over mostly IVF stuff. We toured the facility and it was nice. At the end of the slide show everyone asked questions, I left my Selective Reduction and IUI questions till the end, knowing they weren’t applicable to most and that the SR ones would be offensive to some.
The Dr answered all my questions and then R’s and told us she would be happy to answer any more at our consult. We left feeling really good about everything.
She talked a lot about different studies including the study that showed jumping to IVF and skipping injectable IUIs showed higher number of pg and less cost to couples in the no IUI group. I was happy to hear her thoughts on that study and the others. She also mentioned they have the lowest % of HOM (triplets or higher) for our area, while maintaining above average success. Others ohhed and awed but I asked he about their canceled rate which is only average for the area. She had no thoughts on this but I did get a sense that she was a good DR. Her personality also fit mine and R’s so I think we have our RE! R liked her a lot and he seems confidant in the clinic. She practices at the clinic nearest us so it all works out well.
We chatted for a while, while our husbands looked horrified as if they had just been outed. (It was rather funny, IMO.) More couples arrived and finally we started. The Dr was very nice and she went over mostly IVF stuff. We toured the facility and it was nice. At the end of the slide show everyone asked questions, I left my Selective Reduction and IUI questions till the end, knowing they weren’t applicable to most and that the SR ones would be offensive to some.
The Dr answered all my questions and then R’s and told us she would be happy to answer any more at our consult. We left feeling really good about everything.
She talked a lot about different studies including the study that showed jumping to IVF and skipping injectable IUIs showed higher number of pg and less cost to couples in the no IUI group. I was happy to hear her thoughts on that study and the others. She also mentioned they have the lowest % of HOM (triplets or higher) for our area, while maintaining above average success. Others ohhed and awed but I asked he about their canceled rate which is only average for the area. She had no thoughts on this but I did get a sense that she was a good DR. Her personality also fit mine and R’s so I think we have our RE! R liked her a lot and he seems confidant in the clinic. She practices at the clinic nearest us so it all works out well.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Diet Update
On Thursday I went to a regular Dr appt to get my hip checked out. I had fallen on it while up visiting my sis in Washington. While there I got good news and more good news. After the nurse took my blood pressure and temperature she wanted to weigh me. I happily got on their scale and nearly passed out when it read -4 from last weigh in. I was shocked! (but hold your applause about it because it wasn't accurate). Then I had to get undressed from the waist down since it was my hip that hurt. I nearly LOL when she acted like getting undressed from the waist down was a big deal. Little does she know that ALL my appts seem to involve nudity at this point! Then more good news from the dr my hip isn't broken but just a badly pulled muscle.
So back to how much I have lost: I went home only to find out that I really had only lost 3 pounds. :( Three pounds is great but I would LOVE to have lost that extra pound. This brings total weight loss to 10 pounds!
I have lost my first sack of potatoes and it feels amazingly good. I am very proud of myself.I also added a ticker at the bottom of the page to keep track of the weight loss.Thanks for all your support ladies.
So back to how much I have lost: I went home only to find out that I really had only lost 3 pounds. :( Three pounds is great but I would LOVE to have lost that extra pound. This brings total weight loss to 10 pounds!
I have lost my first sack of potatoes and it feels amazingly good. I am very proud of myself.I also added a ticker at the bottom of the page to keep track of the weight loss.Thanks for all your support ladies.
Friday, March 7, 2008
12 Steps to IF Recovery
Yes, yes I know I just blogged! ButI found something I HAD to share it is from Comming2Terms, my absolute FAVORITE IF blog. No suger coating it over there ladies so watch out. Today she wrote this and this I am "stealing" (not sure it is truely stealling since I am giveing her credit) her 12 steps to IF recovery.
"1) Acknowledge that you can't get pregnant the 'old school' way -- it doesn't seem to matter how many candles have been lit, whether the mood-setting or the spiritual kind.
2) Consult an army of specialists -- you've followed advice found in books, online or compliments of old wives tales to no avail; proceed to western medicine-staffed fertility clinics eager to sell you services.
3) Spend boatloads of money on treatments with low percentages of success -- meanwhile your friends procreate like mad, remodel their homes, buy new cars and otherwise stimulate the economy.
4) Explore the Eastern practice of medicine -- why not? you will leave no stone unturned.
5) Avoid malls, parks and any child-themed locale -- there's no need to subject yourself unnecessarily to that which you cannot seem to have.
6) Buy a ticket to Denial -- any place is preferable to the reality of Infertility land
7) Declare war on all smug parents -- these thoughtless creatures are to be avoided at all cost.
8) Withdraw from social obligations that revolve around other people's children -- self-preservation becomes essential at this stage.
9) Start an Infertility blog -- express your thoughts and properly vent your pent-up emotions; discover a little utopia along the way, your own Private Idaho as it were.
10) Exit the Infertility treatment maze -- you're tired of running into dead ends; arrive at either successful treatment, child-free living or pursue adoption (in the latter case be prepared for more expense and invasive procedures).
11) Hang out in Infertility Rehab -- slowly attempt to re-engage and co-exist with friends and colleagues and their child-filled lives ... perhaps write a book?
12)Fully re-enter society -- accept that you're forever changed by Infertility but know that society, largely, will never fully understand what you have been through and/or continue to battle. (Warning: re-entry can be exacerbated by those who don't give a flying fig about Infertility's collateral damage.)"
So what I want to know from all of you is (if you are dealing with IF) where are you in the steps.
ME: I have done 1, 8, and 9
"1) Acknowledge that you can't get pregnant the 'old school' way -- it doesn't seem to matter how many candles have been lit, whether the mood-setting or the spiritual kind.
2) Consult an army of specialists -- you've followed advice found in books, online or compliments of old wives tales to no avail; proceed to western medicine-staffed fertility clinics eager to sell you services.
3) Spend boatloads of money on treatments with low percentages of success -- meanwhile your friends procreate like mad, remodel their homes, buy new cars and otherwise stimulate the economy.
4) Explore the Eastern practice of medicine -- why not? you will leave no stone unturned.
5) Avoid malls, parks and any child-themed locale -- there's no need to subject yourself unnecessarily to that which you cannot seem to have.
6) Buy a ticket to Denial -- any place is preferable to the reality of Infertility land
7) Declare war on all smug parents -- these thoughtless creatures are to be avoided at all cost.
8) Withdraw from social obligations that revolve around other people's children -- self-preservation becomes essential at this stage.
9) Start an Infertility blog -- express your thoughts and properly vent your pent-up emotions; discover a little utopia along the way, your own Private Idaho as it were.
10) Exit the Infertility treatment maze -- you're tired of running into dead ends; arrive at either successful treatment, child-free living or pursue adoption (in the latter case be prepared for more expense and invasive procedures).
11) Hang out in Infertility Rehab -- slowly attempt to re-engage and co-exist with friends and colleagues and their child-filled lives ... perhaps write a book?
12)Fully re-enter society -- accept that you're forever changed by Infertility but know that society, largely, will never fully understand what you have been through and/or continue to battle. (Warning: re-entry can be exacerbated by those who don't give a flying fig about Infertility's collateral damage.)"
So what I want to know from all of you is (if you are dealing with IF) where are you in the steps.
ME: I have done 1, 8, and 9
lots of money and treatment talk
I am feeling much better today. R and I have had a few talks and he is feeling really hesitant about doing IUIs he says since I have only had 7 cycles since starting to try over a year ago. He thinks we should give it a full year, this would put us in July before we do treatment. That is too long for me. We talked some more and more and more about it. We both think May is a good compromise for our first IUI. In the mean time we will be doing the "Meet and Greet" on Monday, yes THIS Monday! I have three more pages of paperwork to fill out and then am done. We also will go ahead and decide on which office of the clinic to use next week and then which DR will be our primary. Then set up a consult visit for the end of this month. The clinic books about about 3 weeks in advance so we may not get in for it until April but I am okay with that.
My mom is also paying for the consult for us. So sweet of her and I love that she offered this. She also offered to 'loan' us the money for almost two IUIs. R doesn't want to take it but I told him we should think about it more. It would be a zero percent loan and it means we could do three or four treatment cycles in a row, without worrying about dipping to much into our savings. Her only thing is that we would need to pay the money back in two years. She also told me that if it comes to IVF she wants to be involved in the decision about financing it. I told her that I would be happy to include her in some of that but that this is R and my decision. She said she just wanted to help finance it. I told her that was fine and I was thankful she wants to help. She really does try, I know some times she comes off harsh but she said the other day "I really am ready for you to have a baby". It almost made me cry, since she wasn't so happy about us trying at first.
In other IF news my friend 'M' who is a local friend and who also has IF is pg from her most recent cycle of clomid! Congrats M!!! I am so thrilled for you.
I also got an update from Corrie, who I have spoken about before, the judge ruled that there was an issue about the bio-dad and contact and he wasn't properly contacted and thus bio-dad COULD fight for custody. And then three days latter new evidence appeared and on Monday the judge pulled his ruling and agreed to hear the new evidence! So they are back at court. Their son Jordan is now 8 months old and I keep wondering when this hell will end for them. If you pray, PLEASE pray for Corrie.
My mom is also paying for the consult for us. So sweet of her and I love that she offered this. She also offered to 'loan' us the money for almost two IUIs. R doesn't want to take it but I told him we should think about it more. It would be a zero percent loan and it means we could do three or four treatment cycles in a row, without worrying about dipping to much into our savings. Her only thing is that we would need to pay the money back in two years. She also told me that if it comes to IVF she wants to be involved in the decision about financing it. I told her that I would be happy to include her in some of that but that this is R and my decision. She said she just wanted to help finance it. I told her that was fine and I was thankful she wants to help. She really does try, I know some times she comes off harsh but she said the other day "I really am ready for you to have a baby". It almost made me cry, since she wasn't so happy about us trying at first.
In other IF news my friend 'M' who is a local friend and who also has IF is pg from her most recent cycle of clomid! Congrats M!!! I am so thrilled for you.
I also got an update from Corrie, who I have spoken about before, the judge ruled that there was an issue about the bio-dad and contact and he wasn't properly contacted and thus bio-dad COULD fight for custody. And then three days latter new evidence appeared and on Monday the judge pulled his ruling and agreed to hear the new evidence! So they are back at court. Their son Jordan is now 8 months old and I keep wondering when this hell will end for them. If you pray, PLEASE pray for Corrie.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Trying to hold it together
My life is kinda falling apart this week and I am left trying to hold it together. It seems each time I turn around there is yet another crisis in my life.
The short version is:
I have had an awful week. DH and I are having a major crissis in our marraige and while I know we will be fine, I am completly emotional right now about it. My mom's health hasn't been good recently. She is gearing up for more surgery and I am beyond stressed. Plus my sister is comming back into town and while she is staying with my mom it is my job to get her house ready. AND we owe a bunch of money for taxes, don't ask me how I have no idea. DH failed one of his exams last week and has to retake it by the end of the month if his accredidation is to stay active. It isn't a big deal for his current job for it to lasp but it would cut out a job prospect he is currently looking at. I am beyoned stressed out about IF. The money involved just baffels me. I have a ton of paperwork to fill out before the 10th (our appt) and there is no one to help me with it. I also fell two weeks ago. The pain is getting worse not better so I am going to see my Dr. today. I will update this post when I get back this evening.
The short version is:
I have had an awful week. DH and I are having a major crissis in our marraige and while I know we will be fine, I am completly emotional right now about it. My mom's health hasn't been good recently. She is gearing up for more surgery and I am beyond stressed. Plus my sister is comming back into town and while she is staying with my mom it is my job to get her house ready. AND we owe a bunch of money for taxes, don't ask me how I have no idea. DH failed one of his exams last week and has to retake it by the end of the month if his accredidation is to stay active. It isn't a big deal for his current job for it to lasp but it would cut out a job prospect he is currently looking at. I am beyoned stressed out about IF. The money involved just baffels me. I have a ton of paperwork to fill out before the 10th (our appt) and there is no one to help me with it. I also fell two weeks ago. The pain is getting worse not better so I am going to see my Dr. today. I will update this post when I get back this evening.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
A good chunk of change!
It isn't Monday yet but I did a weigh in anyway. I lost 5 pounds this week for a total of 7 pounds in two weeks! I am so happy about it. I can't wait till it is a total of10 pounds. WOOOO HOOOO for me. I am so proud of myself because that is a good chunk of change off my body. I now weigh what I did at the end of summer. Most days I am super good about the diet and it does get easier the more often I am good.
The hard part for me is MEAT. I can do chicken 4 to 5 nights a week if I can eat carbs but when I can't I die of boredom from the chicken. Thus we have had three nights of steak! It was all lower fat steak but still. This week I want to only do two beef nights. That is completely do able as long as DH will allow fish one night. He doesn't eat ANY seafood and I love the stuff. So if I have fish he cooks something else for himself because I refuse to cook two meals a night.
Today we spent the day with A (boy) and N (girl), twins who are now 4th graders. I watched them as infants and toddlers, and helped their mom's though an awful break up/divorce. They are also IVF babies so their mom's "get it". N loves babies, she asked me twice today about babies. I told her that sometimes people have a harder time getting pg and she seemed to instantly understand. Maybe that is because she knows the Dr helped her mommy with her, or maybe it is a child's 6th sense, but either way she understood.
R had such a good time with both of them and I was so happy to see that both A and N adore him too. We went to the park, played video games, set up a new doll house and I held their pet rat. It was a great day and next month we plan on doing it again. Their little sis G came by with her mom D and picked up N at the end of the day. G was so jealous and I felt bad but she sees me all the time. A and N don't.
The hard part for me is MEAT. I can do chicken 4 to 5 nights a week if I can eat carbs but when I can't I die of boredom from the chicken. Thus we have had three nights of steak! It was all lower fat steak but still. This week I want to only do two beef nights. That is completely do able as long as DH will allow fish one night. He doesn't eat ANY seafood and I love the stuff. So if I have fish he cooks something else for himself because I refuse to cook two meals a night.
Today we spent the day with A (boy) and N (girl), twins who are now 4th graders. I watched them as infants and toddlers, and helped their mom's though an awful break up/divorce. They are also IVF babies so their mom's "get it". N loves babies, she asked me twice today about babies. I told her that sometimes people have a harder time getting pg and she seemed to instantly understand. Maybe that is because she knows the Dr helped her mommy with her, or maybe it is a child's 6th sense, but either way she understood.
R had such a good time with both of them and I was so happy to see that both A and N adore him too. We went to the park, played video games, set up a new doll house and I held their pet rat. It was a great day and next month we plan on doing it again. Their little sis G came by with her mom D and picked up N at the end of the day. G was so jealous and I felt bad but she sees me all the time. A and N don't.
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