Monday, February 18, 2008
BFN but I am okay.
I decided today that I should test. I have a long LP and up till now have been testing 16dpo or later which always bites me in the ass because I get my hopes up. Since this cycle I had a cyst I chose to test cd30 or two days before I exspect AF. I figured this way I wouldn't get my hopes up to high. It was - and I am okay with that. Now AF can arive and I can get my ass in gear and scedual the HSG and S-HSG for this month. It is all going so fast. When DH and I agreed to meet with the RE at the Meet and Greet it felt like forever in the future but now it is less than 30 days away. I can't wait till AF gets her and I can do my last two tests. If you pray, would you mind adding good results from these tests to your list for me. Thank you.
Ramdom tid bits
People keep asking me how I am. So I want to be honest with you all.
I am:
better than I was a month ago
worse than 3 months ago
but all in all okay
I have learned that I don't need to be happy and sunshining all the time if that isn't how I feel. IF has made me bitter but it has also made me resiliant, and has tought me to seek help when needed. It has taught me about my relationship with others as well. These lesons were hard to learn but I needed to learn them. I also realized that I will be okay, I will never go back to the way I was but that isn't a bad thing. I am a changed person and I accept that.
On thenest there was a poll about crying. I didn't cry all weekend even though I normally cry every other day or so. But today I was reading this and bauled like a baby. Thanks Maria (MKC101103) it was a good cry.
There also have been quite a few posts on the t-ttc board from friends of IF girls. They want to know how they can help thier friends. I look at those posts and wish I had friends like that. I wish I had a good or best friend wo understood what this was like. Not because I would want them to go through it but because it would be so nice to really talk to someone daily about this who is in the same room as me.
I am:
better than I was a month ago
worse than 3 months ago
but all in all okay
I have learned that I don't need to be happy and sunshining all the time if that isn't how I feel. IF has made me bitter but it has also made me resiliant, and has tought me to seek help when needed. It has taught me about my relationship with others as well. These lesons were hard to learn but I needed to learn them. I also realized that I will be okay, I will never go back to the way I was but that isn't a bad thing. I am a changed person and I accept that.
On thenest there was a poll about crying. I didn't cry all weekend even though I normally cry every other day or so. But today I was reading this and bauled like a baby. Thanks Maria (MKC101103) it was a good cry.
There also have been quite a few posts on the t-ttc board from friends of IF girls. They want to know how they can help thier friends. I look at those posts and wish I had friends like that. I wish I had a good or best friend wo understood what this was like. Not because I would want them to go through it but because it would be so nice to really talk to someone daily about this who is in the same room as me.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Cyst!?!
My cyst is still here. :( I can tell because it keeps throbing and tingling. I keep hopeing that when it does that it means it is bursting but then the next day it tingles again. :( I called the OB to find out when I could do the S-HSG but I have to wait to call till AF comes. I have no idea when to exspect her. If were going off how long my cycles normally are then she should be here Tuesday but I would be willing to bet money she will be late.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Feeling better... one day left in HELL
Thank you to all of you who left comments on my last post it ment so much to knowI am normal and not alone in this. I am doing better now and while I am still stuck at my sis's house, she has backed off quite a bit and I am no longer crying all the time. I will be home in sunny CA Wenesday night, and can't wait to see R who I am sure will be waiting for me at the airport with a big hug!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
crying so hard it hurts
there issomething I have never told anyone, not R, not my friends not evenall of you in blog land. Back in June when I knew my anovulatory, with no menses cycles and they were a preventing me from getting pg, I joined the t-ttc board because BOTB was not helpful. So many of you were increadbly helpful and really helped me ask the right questions with my Dr and become knowlagable. I of course toldmy mom about all of you and how much I hoped youwould all get pg one day. Her responce "maybe those with IF aren't ment to get pg and have thier own children".
Ya.....my responce is probably the same as yours. F u and WTF does this lady know.Butnow everytime AF comes and she isn't upsetor thinks I am overreacting I think ofthat comment, because if my own mom doesn't think I should be a parent thenmaybe I shouldn't. Idon't really belive that but it hurts none the same.
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In my family I have always been the emotional one. Yes I am the oldest child and from my understanding that isabnormal for the first child to be the sensitive one but in our family I am. My mom is the 2nd youngest of 6 and she is a practical person. She may battle depression but she is not a cryer,not overly simpithtic and doesn't really understand myvery sensitve nature. She looks at it as a fault where as I seeit as a plus. Her and my sis could read Megan's story and not cry a tear. I call that cold hearted they see it as practical, and normal.
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2nd admition: I am very jelous of my sis. She has such beautiful worderful children and she is so lucky that she can stay home, a luxury I know I won't get. So today as everything has seemed to fall apart around me, I did what I normally do, I cried. They (mom and sis) see this as weak and only made me further upset by provoking more tears by telling me so. When we got home (sis's house) I locked myself in the bathroom for a chat with my hubby.Mom bangs on the door telling me I am overreacting and being a wuss... and she is right. I am weak and over emotinal and right now the only thing I am living for is my sweet husband who would be derestated if I died.
No one seems to understand how much it takes for me to face each day. So if you read this PLEASE leave a comment. Remind me I am not alone, and that it will be okay because I don't think I can do this much longer.
Ya.....my responce is probably the same as yours. F u and WTF does this lady know.Butnow everytime AF comes and she isn't upsetor thinks I am overreacting I think ofthat comment, because if my own mom doesn't think I should be a parent thenmaybe I shouldn't. Idon't really belive that but it hurts none the same.
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In my family I have always been the emotional one. Yes I am the oldest child and from my understanding that isabnormal for the first child to be the sensitive one but in our family I am. My mom is the 2nd youngest of 6 and she is a practical person. She may battle depression but she is not a cryer,not overly simpithtic and doesn't really understand myvery sensitve nature. She looks at it as a fault where as I seeit as a plus. Her and my sis could read Megan's story and not cry a tear. I call that cold hearted they see it as practical, and normal.
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2nd admition: I am very jelous of my sis. She has such beautiful worderful children and she is so lucky that she can stay home, a luxury I know I won't get. So today as everything has seemed to fall apart around me, I did what I normally do, I cried. They (mom and sis) see this as weak and only made me further upset by provoking more tears by telling me so. When we got home (sis's house) I locked myself in the bathroom for a chat with my hubby.Mom bangs on the door telling me I am overreacting and being a wuss... and she is right. I am weak and over emotinal and right now the only thing I am living for is my sweet husband who would be derestated if I died.
No one seems to understand how much it takes for me to face each day. So if you read this PLEASE leave a comment. Remind me I am not alone, and that it will be okay because I don't think I can do this much longer.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Waving 'hi' from vacation
I hate to start a blog like this but I want to confess something: The mounting pg blogs are starting to upset me. I am thrilled for ALL my blogger friends for getting pg BUT that doesn't mean I am not sad that I am not one of them. "Normal" people would call that selfish but you IF girls will understand. So if all of a sudden I am no longer commenting on your blog, please understand and please feel free to keep reading mine and commenting if you like.
In other news vacation is going well. I am having a lot of fun with my niece and nephew. In so manyways itis like no time has passed at all since they left CA and in other ways (how much they have grow- for example) it seems like it has been forever.
However, and you must have known there would be a however because why else would I blog about it, my sis is dringing me crazy. I love herbut our relationship has always been strained. We tend to disagree on just about everything. She has very strong opinion and so do I plus neither of us back down from an arguement, it isn't a good combo. Tonight she was going on and on about how she thinks working moms are scum and basically neglectful of their kids. She even said she doesn't understand why working moms have kids since they just let other people raise them. She said she understands that some mothers have to work in order to pay rent, but that if you can afford vacations and nice clothing that you are sacrificing being with your kids and are letting other people raise them. I don't agree with that, although I do think SAHM who have live in nannies are over kill but if that is what makes you a great mom then so be it. Her tone was so condicending it killed me to listen to her go on and on. I quickly told her I disagreed and that she was being very condicending and then changed the subject. Thanfully we agreed to disagree and that was it this time, but that isn't always the case.
I love my sis but if there was a way for me to see my niece and nephew with out seeing her I would, because while I love her, I don't like her. She is a family member and because of that we talk to each other and play nice but there is little chance we would be friends if we weren't family.
In other news vacation is going well. I am having a lot of fun with my niece and nephew. In so manyways itis like no time has passed at all since they left CA and in other ways (how much they have grow- for example) it seems like it has been forever.
However, and you must have known there would be a however because why else would I blog about it, my sis is dringing me crazy. I love herbut our relationship has always been strained. We tend to disagree on just about everything. She has very strong opinion and so do I plus neither of us back down from an arguement, it isn't a good combo. Tonight she was going on and on about how she thinks working moms are scum and basically neglectful of their kids. She even said she doesn't understand why working moms have kids since they just let other people raise them. She said she understands that some mothers have to work in order to pay rent, but that if you can afford vacations and nice clothing that you are sacrificing being with your kids and are letting other people raise them. I don't agree with that, although I do think SAHM who have live in nannies are over kill but if that is what makes you a great mom then so be it. Her tone was so condicending it killed me to listen to her go on and on. I quickly told her I disagreed and that she was being very condicending and then changed the subject. Thanfully we agreed to disagree and that was it this time, but that isn't always the case.
I love my sis but if there was a way for me to see my niece and nephew with out seeing her I would, because while I love her, I don't like her. She is a family member and because of that we talk to each other and play nice but there is little chance we would be friends if we weren't family.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Its Vacation Time!
It is almost HERE; the day to leave to see my nice and nephew is alomst apon us! I think I might bemore excited about this than seeing my RE!.... na! I leave Tuesday night but there is so much to do till then that this most likly will be my last blog till I get back.
When I get back there will be 3 weeks till our meet and greet at the RE clinic. R doens't seem to be as excited as I am but I am fine with that.
If anyone can send positve thoughts or prayers my way while I am there Iwould love and apprechate it. My sis and I don't have the best relationship and while she knows about our t-ttc she tends to use that knowlage to make me cry. She naturally has an abrasive personality and kind likes making me and others squirm. I love her but I honestly could care less about seeing her. For me it is all about her kids! Anyway just pray she is on her best behavior while Iam there and for me to have inner strength. Thanks girls!
I'll be back on Febuary 13th.
When I get back there will be 3 weeks till our meet and greet at the RE clinic. R doens't seem to be as excited as I am but I am fine with that.
If anyone can send positve thoughts or prayers my way while I am there Iwould love and apprechate it. My sis and I don't have the best relationship and while she knows about our t-ttc she tends to use that knowlage to make me cry. She naturally has an abrasive personality and kind likes making me and others squirm. I love her but I honestly could care less about seeing her. For me it is all about her kids! Anyway just pray she is on her best behavior while Iam there and for me to have inner strength. Thanks girls!
I'll be back on Febuary 13th.
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