I have little patience right now for my family, particularly my sister. She and her husband can't seem to get their act together unless everything is handed to them. I have said the words "I am done" many times in regards to them but I just can't ever tell them no. My sister and her husband refuse to put the kids in day care so that they can both work, but they can't make ends meet without both of them working. It is frustrating and once again I am running out of patience.
Today's Kicker:
My mom has her yearly vacation planned to start in a week but my sister's new training begins this week, and her hubby is still working his job thus my mom is taking care of the kids. My sister is expecting my mom to come home from vacation early so Mom can watch the kids and sis can work. Ummmm Anyone other than me think this is F.u.c.k.e.d up?
My mom is letting them live at her house no rent, no utilities and they still don't have enough money to pay their whole food bill so she helps out when they need it. She baby sits (and so do I) for free. She helps with the kids all day and night. The four year old sleeps in her bed so that my sis and her hubby can have their own room. It has gone beyond obsured at this point and yet nothing will change. I can tell my mom over and over again that letting them use her like this is crazy and that she is going to hurt herself working this hard (she is disabled already) but it doesn't change.
At some point I am going to have to say "I won't do this anymore" and that time is quickly approching, but for now I am stuck between helping out and hating myself for it or not helping out and feeling awful for letting down my family, and both choices blow.
Showing posts with label sis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sis. Show all posts
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
9 Weeks
We now have a grape! How exciting!?! Honestly I am looking forward to when she is the size of something substantial, like maybe a squash? or a pineapple? Till then it kind of feel like baby steps. Of course I am thankful for the baby steps but just SO ready to be 12-15 weeks. Ready to be able to use my doppler, and be able to check on baby more than just once a week or every other week.
We did get another peak today. It was my first visit with Kaiser and I saw a midwife (YA!). I didn't tell them I have already had two u/s, naughty of me I am sure but I didn't want to risk them saying I couldn't have another. I paced in the waiting room with my mom and R. (Did I mention Mom tagged along for a peek? Well she did.) And when they took me back they made them wait in the waiting room. Umm.... BAD IDEA! I sat in the chair and had a panic attack. A full blown nearly hyperventilated panic attack. I told them needed my husband NOW. The next thing I knew he was there.
R is really amazing, I mean really really amazing. He held me I cried a little but I instantly calmed down. My blood pressure returned to normal and we were able to continue. It took forever for them to get me a room and then another 5 minutes before the MW came in. I begged for her to just do the u/s but she had questions first. I answered them all and then it was down to business.
For someone who knew I was an IF patient she sure treated me with kid gloves. She wanted to do an abdomen u/s but I told her I would FREAK if she couldn't find it on that so PLEASE use the internal. She seemed shocked but obliged, she said most women hate internals, I told her me and Mr. wand were old friends. ;) She toke her time and I told her lets just do this and she finally got the wand in there and stared to find the baby. It took her a second, much longer than it took my RE, and we saw the heart beating! I love that, just love that! The OB's sonogram SUCKED, it takes awful pictures and baby was trying to hid from the camera. The MW couldn't get a h/b count off the machine but it looked about 150. NORMAL! Baby measured 8w5d but was curled toward the wand so she said it wasn't accurate. WHY must K.aiser use out dated technology? Don't they make billions a year?
I asked a million questions to her, most about birth and getting further along. I am still terrified of something going wrong but every week brings me closer to the end of the first tri. Once there I feel like I will be able to breath again.
My 'gifts' are almost all gone or at least they don't show up daily. This is a mixed blessing, but at least I can eat and feel better again. I still don't have much energy. Getting to the gym twice a week is hard at times and I like my naps but I feel good and am doing better. Sorry to all my IF girls still in trenches who had to read my complaining.
My BFF, Shan became an Auntie this week! I am so excited for her. I know she will love being an auntie. Sad to say but when she was here this week visiting me I still couldn't look at the big pg belly pics of her sis. IF still hurts to much, it is selfish but that is still my reality.
Also I told my sis today. I REALLY didn't want to but truth be told I don't think I ever would have wanted to. Our relationship is to stressed, and we just can't relate. She was happy for us, genuinely happy. But, (you knew there was a BUT coming) she said something that bothered me at the end. She said " I know how much more this means because you tried so long" and then "I can relate" REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? YOU can relate? You? HOW? Seriously HOW can you relate. You got pg the second month with number one and the third with number two. I just don't think that compairs to over a year (almost 1.5), and a DR in your hoo-ha when you conceive. I mean really does it?
Tomorrow we are telling Liz who was my MOH (maid of honor), and on Sunday we are telling Pop (R's ex-step-dad). I am excited but nervous. On Tuesday be sure to check in for a BUNCH of pictures!
We did get another peak today. It was my first visit with Kaiser and I saw a midwife (YA!). I didn't tell them I have already had two u/s, naughty of me I am sure but I didn't want to risk them saying I couldn't have another. I paced in the waiting room with my mom and R. (Did I mention Mom tagged along for a peek? Well she did.) And when they took me back they made them wait in the waiting room. Umm.... BAD IDEA! I sat in the chair and had a panic attack. A full blown nearly hyperventilated panic attack. I told them needed my husband NOW. The next thing I knew he was there.
R is really amazing, I mean really really amazing. He held me I cried a little but I instantly calmed down. My blood pressure returned to normal and we were able to continue. It took forever for them to get me a room and then another 5 minutes before the MW came in. I begged for her to just do the u/s but she had questions first. I answered them all and then it was down to business.
For someone who knew I was an IF patient she sure treated me with kid gloves. She wanted to do an abdomen u/s but I told her I would FREAK if she couldn't find it on that so PLEASE use the internal. She seemed shocked but obliged, she said most women hate internals, I told her me and Mr. wand were old friends. ;) She toke her time and I told her lets just do this and she finally got the wand in there and stared to find the baby. It took her a second, much longer than it took my RE, and we saw the heart beating! I love that, just love that! The OB's sonogram SUCKED, it takes awful pictures and baby was trying to hid from the camera. The MW couldn't get a h/b count off the machine but it looked about 150. NORMAL! Baby measured 8w5d but was curled toward the wand so she said it wasn't accurate. WHY must K.aiser use out dated technology? Don't they make billions a year?
I asked a million questions to her, most about birth and getting further along. I am still terrified of something going wrong but every week brings me closer to the end of the first tri. Once there I feel like I will be able to breath again.
My 'gifts' are almost all gone or at least they don't show up daily. This is a mixed blessing, but at least I can eat and feel better again. I still don't have much energy. Getting to the gym twice a week is hard at times and I like my naps but I feel good and am doing better. Sorry to all my IF girls still in trenches who had to read my complaining.
My BFF, Shan became an Auntie this week! I am so excited for her. I know she will love being an auntie. Sad to say but when she was here this week visiting me I still couldn't look at the big pg belly pics of her sis. IF still hurts to much, it is selfish but that is still my reality.
Also I told my sis today. I REALLY didn't want to but truth be told I don't think I ever would have wanted to. Our relationship is to stressed, and we just can't relate. She was happy for us, genuinely happy. But, (you knew there was a BUT coming) she said something that bothered me at the end. She said " I know how much more this means because you tried so long" and then "I can relate" REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? YOU can relate? You? HOW? Seriously HOW can you relate. You got pg the second month with number one and the third with number two. I just don't think that compairs to over a year (almost 1.5), and a DR in your hoo-ha when you conceive. I mean really does it?
Tomorrow we are telling Liz who was my MOH (maid of honor), and on Sunday we are telling Pop (R's ex-step-dad). I am excited but nervous. On Tuesday be sure to check in for a BUNCH of pictures!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
All the wrong things
So any day now I should Ovulate! I love this time of my cycle. It is hopeful and claming in a way. But tonight I want to focus on all the things that are really pissing me off right now.
First my mom. The woman who normally is my light, who before DH was my world, is really pissing me off. She just can't seem to say the right thing. First she had the nerve to tell me that maybe it was my negitive attitude which was causing us to not get pg. I had to tell her that there was no way that being relisitic was the problem. Next she tells me I shouldn't do Clomid because god forbid I should have twins. Umm, I hate to break it to all of you but I would LOVE twins. LOVE LOVE LOVE twins! Would it be hard YES but would I think it was a miracle YES! Then she goes on to tell me that modern medicine is why there are so many ladies who have IF. That if we didn't involve Drs then things like endo and PCOS would not exist in our society because acording to the laws of Darwinism, they would weed it out. SO here I sit trying not to cry because I truely do feel alone.
She loves my niece and nephew. Loves them so much and when my sister got pg at 18 becuase if she didn't then the Drs told her it would never happen. Mom did everything she could to support them. SHe even bought them OPKs. I wish she would do something like that for me. I wish she could see that this is causeing a rift in our relationship. Wish I knew how to make her see the other side of the coin, because she just doesn't see it right now.
If I could tell her anything right now it would be how much I want a child. That I wouldn't care if I had twins or what gender, that I would just love to have my own children. That I am ready to be a mom.
And if I couldn't tell her that then I wish I could tell her the right things to say because she already knows all the wrong things.
First my mom. The woman who normally is my light, who before DH was my world, is really pissing me off. She just can't seem to say the right thing. First she had the nerve to tell me that maybe it was my negitive attitude which was causing us to not get pg. I had to tell her that there was no way that being relisitic was the problem. Next she tells me I shouldn't do Clomid because god forbid I should have twins. Umm, I hate to break it to all of you but I would LOVE twins. LOVE LOVE LOVE twins! Would it be hard YES but would I think it was a miracle YES! Then she goes on to tell me that modern medicine is why there are so many ladies who have IF. That if we didn't involve Drs then things like endo and PCOS would not exist in our society because acording to the laws of Darwinism, they would weed it out. SO here I sit trying not to cry because I truely do feel alone.
She loves my niece and nephew. Loves them so much and when my sister got pg at 18 becuase if she didn't then the Drs told her it would never happen. Mom did everything she could to support them. SHe even bought them OPKs. I wish she would do something like that for me. I wish she could see that this is causeing a rift in our relationship. Wish I knew how to make her see the other side of the coin, because she just doesn't see it right now.
If I could tell her anything right now it would be how much I want a child. That I wouldn't care if I had twins or what gender, that I would just love to have my own children. That I am ready to be a mom.
And if I couldn't tell her that then I wish I could tell her the right things to say because she already knows all the wrong things.
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