9 Weeks

We now have a grape! How exciting!?! Honestly I am looking forward to when she is the size of something substantial, like maybe a squash? or a pineapple? Till then it kind of feel like baby steps. Of course I am thankful for the baby steps but just SO ready to be 12-15 weeks. Ready to be able to use my doppler, and be able to check on baby more than just once a week or every other week.

We did get another peak today. It was my first visit with Kaiser and I saw a midwife (YA!). I didn't tell them I have already had two u/s, naughty of me I am sure but I didn't want to risk them saying I couldn't have another. I paced in the waiting room with my mom and R. (Did I mention Mom tagged along for a peek? Well she did.) And when they took me back they made them wait in the waiting room. Umm.... BAD IDEA! I sat in the chair and had a panic attack. A full blown nearly hyperventilated panic attack. I told them needed my husband NOW. The next thing I knew he was there.

R is really amazing, I mean really really amazing. He held me I cried a little but I instantly calmed down. My blood pressure returned to normal and we were able to continue. It took forever for them to get me a room and then another 5 minutes before the MW came in. I begged for her to just do the u/s but she had questions first. I answered them all and then it was down to business.

For someone who knew I was an IF patient she sure treated me with kid gloves. She wanted to do an abdomen u/s but I told her I would FREAK if she couldn't find it on that so PLEASE use the internal. She seemed shocked but obliged, she said most women hate internals, I told her me and Mr. wand were old friends. ;) She toke her time and I told her lets just do this and she finally got the wand in there and stared to find the baby. It took her a second, much longer than it took my RE, and we saw the heart beating! I love that, just love that! The OB's sonogram SUCKED, it takes awful pictures and baby was trying to hid from the camera. The MW couldn't get a h/b count off the machine but it looked about 150. NORMAL! Baby measured 8w5d but was curled toward the wand so she said it wasn't accurate. WHY must K.aiser use out dated technology? Don't they make billions a year?

I asked a million questions to her, most about birth and getting further along. I am still terrified of something going wrong but every week brings me closer to the end of the first tri. Once there I feel like I will be able to breath again.

My 'gifts' are almost all gone or at least they don't show up daily. This is a mixed blessing, but at least I can eat and feel better again. I still don't have much energy. Getting to the gym twice a week is hard at times and I like my naps but I feel good and am doing better. Sorry to all my IF girls still in trenches who had to read my complaining.

My BFF, Shan became an Auntie this week! I am so excited for her. I know she will love being an auntie. Sad to say but when she was here this week visiting me I still couldn't look at the big pg belly pics of her sis. IF still hurts to much, it is selfish but that is still my reality.

Also I told my sis today. I REALLY didn't want to but truth be told I don't think I ever would have wanted to. Our relationship is to stressed, and we just can't relate. She was happy for us, genuinely happy. But, (you knew there was a BUT coming) she said something that bothered me at the end. She said " I know how much more this means because you tried so long" and then "I can relate" REALLY? REALLY? REALLY? YOU can relate? You? HOW? Seriously HOW can you relate. You got pg the second month with number one and the third with number two. I just don't think that compairs to over a year (almost 1.5), and a DR in your hoo-ha when you conceive. I mean really does it?

Tomorrow we are telling Liz who was my MOH (maid of honor), and on Sunday we are telling Pop (R's ex-step-dad). I am excited but nervous. On Tuesday be sure to check in for a BUNCH of pictures!