CanI talk to you girls about something REALLY personal? It is about SE.X...... and isn'tsomething I have eventalked tomy closest friends about.....
I had called the clinic I LOVE, who has an RE that an friend of a friend used and is my top runner for an RE clinic,and spoke to them about IF and costs and general things and the nurse was talking tomeabout pricesand she mentionedthat they do very few TIcycles because success rates are so much higher with IUIs. This blew me away, not because I thought it was crazy but because I thoughtit is a great idea. Plus when youthink of it adding an IUI isn't all that much more exspensive and it doubles our chances a cycle.
However as pointed out to me it means our child will truely be created with strangers in the room and not in the privacy of our own home. When A, a fellow t-ttcer, brought this to my attention I thought maybe she was right and we should try TI for a cycle or two. Give our bodies a chance at creating a child just the two of us.
That was a week ago, and today I decided that I think I will push for the IUIs. It isn't that I wouldn't LOVE to get pg 'the old fashioned way" but I realized this week that I really enjoy se.x so much more when it isn't about baby making. In fact I LOVE se.x with my husband when it isn't about baby making. See, when we BD (baby dance= type of sex used to make a baby) it is about my hips, my CM, how close to my cirvix he is when he comes and all the other crap that makes it no fun. When we can have fun se.x it is about m.ulitple orgasm.s, I can be on top and the last thing I am worried about is where his peni.s is when he comes. So after talking with R about IUIs right off the bat we are on the same page. For him it was more about money and chance of success but hell if we are on the same page who am I to quible over how we both got there.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Life problems not IF related
This post has nothing to do with IF and everything to do with my general life. If you intreasted feel free to read, but I won't hold it against anyone if they skip it.
My mom has been disabled for the last 8 or 9 years now. Right before my father left when I was 18 my mom injured her back at work. She is now considered disabled and is unable to do many of the things we take forgranted like bending, nealing, walking with out a limp, standing for long periods of time, and the ability to run or walk quickly across the street.
Because of her disablility my sis or I have lived with her since the divorce. That is until last May when R and I moved out because she wanted her own space and knew she was driving R mad. R and I moved out and then my sis moved out of state. I knew from the moment I was told about the move that this ment R and I would be soley responsible for my mom.
Please know that I love my mom. She is an amazing person and a wonderful mother, she is also one of my best friends, however being 25 and taking care of your mom and her house as well as yourself, husband, marraige and own home SUCKS! I wouldn't trade her in for a healthier model but I do wish she were better, and could do more for herself.
Every week I will come over for two mornings and help her change her bedding, do laundrey, litter, take out the garbage, vacume, dishes, mop floors, organize, fix things, straigten, walk the dog, bath the dog, clean the bathroom and what ever else needs to be done. Of course not all of that needs to be done everytime but if you add that on top of what my place needs it is a lot of extra work.
Most days I do it with out complaint because after all she put up with so much worse when I was a child and because I love her. I wouldn't think twice about living with her again.... if not for R.
When R and I met years ago he knew of my situation with my mom. He knew she wouldn't get better and that eventually she would need to live with us permanitly. I have always been admit about NOT putting her in one of those crappy assisted living homes. She is not old or senile and DOES NOT belong there and as long as I can care for her I will not put her in one of those things. He knew all of this and understood she was a part of the deal. In fact I made it very clear to him that if he wasn't okay with her he shoud leave before things got serious because for me, it was a deal breaker if he didn't understand all of the above.
Years went by and when he propesed and I said yes I reminded him again. She is a part of the deal. He was okay with that. After the wedding she got better and we thought shecould live on her own. I was very hesatant about that because I didn't want to have to take care of two households. R promised he would help. he promised she would be fine, I belived him because I wanted to not because I thought he was right.
It will be a year at the end of May since we moved, we still live in the same town as her but I still spend much of my time here at her house. R comes with me on the weekend and he helps with the things that need to be done. In the summer he does the back yard and patio while I do the inside of the house. He doesn't like doing it but he does it. Recently though he does it more and more be grudgingly... and when we have her over for dinner he is more distant to her than he once was.
I understand his pain but I have a hard time dealing with it. After all I wish things were difrent too. I wish she was healthy and could be more independant, but these are my cards. he has know that since the beggining. So why do I feel like now he wants to change his mind? I have this feeling that very soon I will have to chose between them, it is a dicision I have made up in my mind years before we even met, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.
My mom has been disabled for the last 8 or 9 years now. Right before my father left when I was 18 my mom injured her back at work. She is now considered disabled and is unable to do many of the things we take forgranted like bending, nealing, walking with out a limp, standing for long periods of time, and the ability to run or walk quickly across the street.
Because of her disablility my sis or I have lived with her since the divorce. That is until last May when R and I moved out because she wanted her own space and knew she was driving R mad. R and I moved out and then my sis moved out of state. I knew from the moment I was told about the move that this ment R and I would be soley responsible for my mom.
Please know that I love my mom. She is an amazing person and a wonderful mother, she is also one of my best friends, however being 25 and taking care of your mom and her house as well as yourself, husband, marraige and own home SUCKS! I wouldn't trade her in for a healthier model but I do wish she were better, and could do more for herself.
Every week I will come over for two mornings and help her change her bedding, do laundrey, litter, take out the garbage, vacume, dishes, mop floors, organize, fix things, straigten, walk the dog, bath the dog, clean the bathroom and what ever else needs to be done. Of course not all of that needs to be done everytime but if you add that on top of what my place needs it is a lot of extra work.
Most days I do it with out complaint because after all she put up with so much worse when I was a child and because I love her. I wouldn't think twice about living with her again.... if not for R.
When R and I met years ago he knew of my situation with my mom. He knew she wouldn't get better and that eventually she would need to live with us permanitly. I have always been admit about NOT putting her in one of those crappy assisted living homes. She is not old or senile and DOES NOT belong there and as long as I can care for her I will not put her in one of those things. He knew all of this and understood she was a part of the deal. In fact I made it very clear to him that if he wasn't okay with her he shoud leave before things got serious because for me, it was a deal breaker if he didn't understand all of the above.
Years went by and when he propesed and I said yes I reminded him again. She is a part of the deal. He was okay with that. After the wedding she got better and we thought shecould live on her own. I was very hesatant about that because I didn't want to have to take care of two households. R promised he would help. he promised she would be fine, I belived him because I wanted to not because I thought he was right.
It will be a year at the end of May since we moved, we still live in the same town as her but I still spend much of my time here at her house. R comes with me on the weekend and he helps with the things that need to be done. In the summer he does the back yard and patio while I do the inside of the house. He doesn't like doing it but he does it. Recently though he does it more and more be grudgingly... and when we have her over for dinner he is more distant to her than he once was.
I understand his pain but I have a hard time dealing with it. After all I wish things were difrent too. I wish she was healthy and could be more independant, but these are my cards. he has know that since the beggining. So why do I feel like now he wants to change his mind? I have this feeling that very soon I will have to chose between them, it is a dicision I have made up in my mind years before we even met, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Seeing the kids
7 days! 7 days! 7 days! In 7 days I leave to see the LOVES of my life (other than R that is)! I am so excited!
The first pick is Brooklyn, whose nickname is Pookie. She was the first person I told about our t-ttc. She may have been only weeks old but she is a great listner. She loves avacado, walking and she LOVES me! Mostly because I spoil her rotten as does R.
Julian is the little prince. His nickname was Ju Ju bean as a baby but now that he is a 'big boy' he doesn't like his nick name anymore. He loves animals, swimming, and playing at the park. He is FULL of energy and loves to rough house with R or his dad. He can be picky at times but he almost always knows what he wants. He and I were very close before he and his family moved; we still talk once a week but it isn't the same. When he lived in CA we took BART rides to the city and did great day trips. I miss him the most becuase we had a real relationship and I can feel that weakening the longer he is away.
Thanks for letting me share with all of you how excited I am about the trip.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
This week
This week has been filled with ups and downs. Thursday I had a hard day. I just didn't feel right, emotionally or physically. R came home and we went to get some pictures professionally taken. I didn't like any of them but one and that was only after she re touched it. I ordered a few of it and told her I must be in a funky mood because I really didn't like the way I looked in any of the photos. Now I realize it wasn't just my funky mood, she just didn't know how to instruct either of us.
Friday was my mom's birthday and her and I had a great day. We did pedicures and lunch out and then came home to rest before R got here and then we did dinner at the Melting Pot (fondue restaurant) it was excellent and she really had a great day.
Saturday I went over to my mom's and helped her with some household things, laundry, cleaning, organizing and such. Then I came home and R and I fought. I broke down and cried hysterically, he tried to comfort me but that only made it worse. I was feeling very distant from him and didn't want to be touched. I stoped crying and we talked. I don't know if he understands what is going on with me or not but he does care and told me he loves me and is here. He also wants me to tell him if I feel like I did last week again, I think he realized how upset I was then. After a three hour talk we were finally okay again. I also told him about last blog entree. He cried when I told him what I wrote. He looked me in the eyes and told me he would do anything for a child, but that he is scared of what all the hormones and pressure will do to me. I see his point now but he also sees mine.
Today I spent the day with a fellow t-ttcer. We had a great time and talked a lot. She is now pregnant and loving it. It was so nice to be around a pregnant lady who I am not jealous of. I love babies and was very excited showing her my favorite stroller, the Bugaboo. I hope her and I can get together again soon, because it was nice to talk to someone who understood. She did however scare me a little about the HSG. She is the third person I have met face to face who has instead R go with and that I take Motrin. I told her R had already insisted he go and that not only was I going to take a Motrin but also a Soma. Why can't the people I met have had painless HSG? At least this way I will be prepared for the pain, and if I have none then I will be thrilled.
Other than all of that there is little other news from me. I should remind all of you that I will be leaving on the 5th of February to go visit my sister. There is NO Internet access at her house so I will me MIA for about a week. I will miss blogging terribly because I get such great support from all of you. Till next time... Hugs.
Friday was my mom's birthday and her and I had a great day. We did pedicures and lunch out and then came home to rest before R got here and then we did dinner at the Melting Pot (fondue restaurant) it was excellent and she really had a great day.
Saturday I went over to my mom's and helped her with some household things, laundry, cleaning, organizing and such. Then I came home and R and I fought. I broke down and cried hysterically, he tried to comfort me but that only made it worse. I was feeling very distant from him and didn't want to be touched. I stoped crying and we talked. I don't know if he understands what is going on with me or not but he does care and told me he loves me and is here. He also wants me to tell him if I feel like I did last week again, I think he realized how upset I was then. After a three hour talk we were finally okay again. I also told him about last blog entree. He cried when I told him what I wrote. He looked me in the eyes and told me he would do anything for a child, but that he is scared of what all the hormones and pressure will do to me. I see his point now but he also sees mine.
Today I spent the day with a fellow t-ttcer. We had a great time and talked a lot. She is now pregnant and loving it. It was so nice to be around a pregnant lady who I am not jealous of. I love babies and was very excited showing her my favorite stroller, the Bugaboo. I hope her and I can get together again soon, because it was nice to talk to someone who understood. She did however scare me a little about the HSG. She is the third person I have met face to face who has instead R go with and that I take Motrin. I told her R had already insisted he go and that not only was I going to take a Motrin but also a Soma. Why can't the people I met have had painless HSG? At least this way I will be prepared for the pain, and if I have none then I will be thrilled.
Other than all of that there is little other news from me. I should remind all of you that I will be leaving on the 5th of February to go visit my sister. There is NO Internet access at her house so I will me MIA for about a week. I will miss blogging terribly because I get such great support from all of you. Till next time... Hugs.
A little about me
Please copy the questions and answer them for yourself in your own blog so that we can all get to know each other.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Today
3.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not at all, not even when I try to write nicely.
4.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Not a lunch meat fan in general but I love BBQ tri-tip sandwichs.
5. DO YOU HAVE PET? Out twin cats are Issabella and Gemma, but I also have a dog who lives with my mom, her name is Zoe, and a childhood cat named Cowlie who lives with my mom too.
6.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? With how I have been this last month no but normally yes.
7.DO YOU USE SARCASM? IRL yes all the time but here I try to stay away from it because it is so hard for others to interpret it.
8.DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? yes
9.WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes!
10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I don't really like cereal but if I had to chose I like Grape Nuts.
11.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No
12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Emotionally yes physical no
13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Breyers Cookies n Cream
14.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they smile when we meet and if they hold eye contact well.
15.RED OR PINK? Pink
16.WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I am fat.
17.WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My BFF from middle school high school and part of college Sarah. We are such different people now.
18.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Brown
19.WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I am in pjs right now with no shoes
20.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? ice cream
21.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The rain falling outside
22.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? dark red like the color of blood
23.FAVORITE SMELLS? men's colone and pomegranate room spray from Pottery Barn
24.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My Mom :-)
25.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS? Yes, I love them and (WARNING TMI AHEAD) they make me incredibly horny, I could go all night if we had a thunderstorm.
26.FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Baseball
27.HAIR COLOR? Dark brown and I have some dark red/blond highlights (that need a touch-up) so that they will be red again. Naturally it is almost black in color
29.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.
30.FAVORITE FOOD? Mexican
31.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy. The scary movies give me nightmares.
32.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Just finished I Now Pronounce you Harry and ????
33.WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Pink
34.SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer
35.Hugs or kisses? Both
36.FAVORITE DESSERT? Tiramisu
39.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Prozac Nation, very uplifting (sarcasm)
40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one, I have a laptop
41.FAVORITE SOUNDS? Rain falling the ticking of a clock and the hummmm of the laptop.
42.ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? RS
.43.WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Thialand (I live in CA)
44.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Northern CA at home!
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Today
3.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not at all, not even when I try to write nicely.
4.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Not a lunch meat fan in general but I love BBQ tri-tip sandwichs.
5. DO YOU HAVE PET? Out twin cats are Issabella and Gemma, but I also have a dog who lives with my mom, her name is Zoe, and a childhood cat named Cowlie who lives with my mom too.
6.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? With how I have been this last month no but normally yes.
7.DO YOU USE SARCASM? IRL yes all the time but here I try to stay away from it because it is so hard for others to interpret it.
8.DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? yes
9.WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes!
10.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I don't really like cereal but if I had to chose I like Grape Nuts.
11.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No
12.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Emotionally yes physical no
13.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Breyers Cookies n Cream
14.WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they smile when we meet and if they hold eye contact well.
15.RED OR PINK? Pink
16.WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I am fat.
17.WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My BFF from middle school high school and part of college Sarah. We are such different people now.
18.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Brown
19.WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I am in pjs right now with no shoes
20.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? ice cream
21.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The rain falling outside
22.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? dark red like the color of blood
23.FAVORITE SMELLS? men's colone and pomegranate room spray from Pottery Barn
24.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My Mom :-)
25.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS? Yes, I love them and (WARNING TMI AHEAD) they make me incredibly horny, I could go all night if we had a thunderstorm.
26.FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Baseball
27.HAIR COLOR? Dark brown and I have some dark red/blond highlights (that need a touch-up) so that they will be red again. Naturally it is almost black in color
29.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.
30.FAVORITE FOOD? Mexican
31.SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy. The scary movies give me nightmares.
32.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Just finished I Now Pronounce you Harry and ????
33.WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Pink
34.SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer
35.Hugs or kisses? Both
36.FAVORITE DESSERT? Tiramisu
39.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Prozac Nation, very uplifting (sarcasm)
40.WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one, I have a laptop
41.FAVORITE SOUNDS? Rain falling the ticking of a clock and the hummmm of the laptop.
42.ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? RS
.43.WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Thialand (I live in CA)
44.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Northern CA at home!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Hubby vent
R just has no idea about IF stuff. I love R very very much but he has really tried no to learn about all the IF stuff so far and now I am getting really upset. 7 almost 8 months ago when AF finally showed for the first time I had just started looking into fertility treatments. I know from my lack of cycles it that something was wrong. R on the other hand chose to believe my Drs that I was fine and it all would be okay. When I got AF for the first time on my own after the pill, we were both thrilled. When I Oed we were thrilled. When my cycles continued to be normal I was very happy. Then just a few months into my normal cycles we hit that one year mark. Suddenly it hit me, we had tried for a year with no luck. R was certain we would get pg in the next few cycles so while I stayed on the t-ttc board and learned everything I could about IF R stayed blissfully unaware. I looked at insurance, worried about treatment cost. Looked into going on Clomid without monerting and read everything I could about Femera.
Now that we are going to see an RE and now that we have both came to terms with needing an RE; R needs to get informed. Only problem is R doesn't have the time, and quite frankly he just isn't interested. This galls me to no end. He has no idea about my hormones, no clue about side effects or even how my body works. R is content being not well informed, and while he likes that I include him in decisions he doesn't care to be educated on the subject by anyone but me or his previous knowledge, all of which is the shit they feed us in high school sex education.
This makes me feel alone in the process. I am going to have to research REs. I have to look up the stats, and in the end, I will decide who we will go to. In a way this is fine because I like being in control of everything. But on the other hand it means R is lagging way behind on the IF education train.
I have this nightmare where we are going into see the RE and Ryon asks the RE what my uterus is. I know he knows this but still I can just imagine him using our entire consult going over really basic info. I am angry at him for relying on me to take care of this. Angry that he isn't stepping up to the plate to learn more about the journey we are about to go down.
I don't know how to get him to be more involved and I worry that his lack of interest some how is indicative of how much he wants a child. I know in my heart he just hasn't come to terms with needing help and I wish he was right and that we are rushing things and don't need this. However my OBs have told me they have done everything they can do. Once I finish these last two tests that is it, they will have nothing left they can do. So now I keep looking at clinics, and try to decide who will help us make our dream come true.
Now that we are going to see an RE and now that we have both came to terms with needing an RE; R needs to get informed. Only problem is R doesn't have the time, and quite frankly he just isn't interested. This galls me to no end. He has no idea about my hormones, no clue about side effects or even how my body works. R is content being not well informed, and while he likes that I include him in decisions he doesn't care to be educated on the subject by anyone but me or his previous knowledge, all of which is the shit they feed us in high school sex education.
This makes me feel alone in the process. I am going to have to research REs. I have to look up the stats, and in the end, I will decide who we will go to. In a way this is fine because I like being in control of everything. But on the other hand it means R is lagging way behind on the IF education train.
I have this nightmare where we are going into see the RE and Ryon asks the RE what my uterus is. I know he knows this but still I can just imagine him using our entire consult going over really basic info. I am angry at him for relying on me to take care of this. Angry that he isn't stepping up to the plate to learn more about the journey we are about to go down.
I don't know how to get him to be more involved and I worry that his lack of interest some how is indicative of how much he wants a child. I know in my heart he just hasn't come to terms with needing help and I wish he was right and that we are rushing things and don't need this. However my OBs have told me they have done everything they can do. Once I finish these last two tests that is it, they will have nothing left they can do. So now I keep looking at clinics, and try to decide who will help us make our dream come true.
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