Drama resolved, conflict avoided

Well I am having the HSG tomorrow. I finally got the written non-Kaiser referral in my hand. I jumped for joy when the nurse handed it to me. I didn't have to even yell or kick any one's ass to get it today. I was thrilled all morning and now I have finally calmed down enough to be scared. That is normal right?

While I am scared of it being painful I am also very scared of my tubes being blocked. Because Blocked in most cases means "go straight to IVF. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars." And while many people have blocked tubes for unknown reasons if mine are blocked I will know EXACTLY how that happened.

When I was a second grade I stress fractured a bone in my leg but jumping off a 4 foot ledge and landing wrong, at least that is what my medical record states. What I was actually doing was wrestling and play fighting with my friends, something we weren't supposed to be doing. It goes on to state that from the fracture/break I developed HenlockShonelinePurpura (HSP). Don't bother looking it up I spelled it wrong.

HSP causes you to bleed internally. It can cause kidney damage, renal failure, liver damage, heart failure, brain hymorging, stroke, many many other complications and finally DEATH. I 'lucked' out and just had it in my broken leg and lower abdomen, including my lower intestine and most likely, although there is no way to know for sure, my reproductive organs. I have in the past had just about all of my lower abdomen organs checked out except for the reproductive ones. When they were checking all the other things I asked the Dr about my reproductive organs. What he said calmed me down. That my u/s and all internal checking was fine and thus I didn't need the scary test where they blew radioactive material inside my uterus to check things out. He told me "the complications out way what we would learn from it".

So hear I am remembering the little boy who died of HSP 5 months before I was Dx with it. The little boy who saw my same Dr and whose treatment helped me survive. I haven't thought about him in so long, nor have I thought about how sick I was in a very long time. But tonight I am thinking about him, about how that could have been me. And yet still I find myself wanting to bargain with God. "I'll do X, Y and Z, if...." but I don't say that. What I am praying for instead is strength. Strength to get though the procedure , strength to handle the results (whatever they may be) and finally strength to accept my cards I have been dealt.

Of course the part of me that believes in positive thoughts and energy is constantly chanting "open clear tubes, open clear tubes, flowing like running water though a faucet". But hey if it helps can you blame me?

PS I also believe in 'nestie dust' so I will take as much as you want to give m, if you've got it.