Production not Reproduction, who happens to be one of my favorite open adoption bloggers ended her last post with this "I wonder how many of us would make different choices were we able to start over knowing what we know now."
I have really tried to make myself available for anyone who is about to undergo IF treatment. I have wrote down my name number and email address for anyone who wants to know more about my clinic, Femara, testing or anything I might have a fleck of knowledge about. Because if I had to do it over again, I would have made better choices. I don't regret my clinic choice, or treatment path at all. But I regret the way I handled things before I left K.aiser in search of a good RE. Yes K.aiser screwed me over and hung me out to dry when it came to my HSG and blood work at times but I could have handled it better, and it is my fault for letting them drag me through all of that before leaving for RSC. If I hadn't been so concerned about cost of treatment and testing I could have had far less stress. That is my main regret.
The second it more complicated. I have spoken here a little about my anxiety and depression, but I haven't been 100% honest. Mostly that is because some of you know me IRL, or from nest GTG, and there is a BIG stigma around mental illness. The truth is I should have been medicated in January and February maybe even all of last year. I should have been seeing someone about the depression and I didn't. I knew I needed it and I didn't say a word. THAT is both scary and very hard to admit.
I have major concerns about the coming months. Mostly what will January and February bring? Post-partum depression is almost guarantied for me, and yet if my family and friends missed all the warning signs last time, what makes me think they won't miss it again?
Those are what I would do over if forced to re-do those months, seek treatment earlier both from and RE and a therapist. Of course I don't want to re-do those months. I am happy having ended up here. I love this baby, love being pg, and love having a due date of January 1st. I wouldn't give it up, not for the world. But I do hope that writing this out will help me remember to ask for help sooner in the future. I don't want to go back to the dark side of depression, this baby deserves better than that.
A wise person learns from the mistakes of others, a smart person learns from their own mistakes, and the stupid don't learn at all.
I hope that by being open I help others to be wise, and help myself to be smart.
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12 comments:
Great post! Very open and honest!!
I think the only thing I would do differently is that I would have moved on from Clinic A to Clinic C sooner. I know that everything that I did at Clinic A brought me to where I am now, but, I do think I should have moved sooner.
What a truly honest and touching post Ariel. It IS hard to recognize these things... not only to other people... but to YOURSELF. Good for your for acknowledging it now... and hopefully you'll be able to recognize it in the future! --Alison
I wish I would have been more proactive about my health care. I also wish I had prodded for answers as to why i was premature when born...turns out my mom had preeclampsia. That would have been good to know!
I have lots of things I would do differently...to many to write here.
Ariella,
You are an amazing person! I am so glad we met this way. I think I have told you before about my sister, her depression and her taking anti-depressants during her last pregnancy. It almost killed her to give in to the reality that she needed it. It was a good choice for her though and she has a very healthy second child. Her first pregnancy was very hard. She came off of her meds and tried to "handle" her depression alone. I am not saying this will happen to you because it may and it may not. She did suffer from post partum after her first child. She was not alone through it but there are some that have always held it against her. You are so wise to be on the look out for these symptoms. I hope you never have to endure what she did but if you do you will not be alone at least here. As for IRL - you may want to start screening counselors just in case. Ask me anything you need to and I will talk to my sister for you.
This was a brave post on your part. I posed the question, but you were actually willing to answer it.
This is a really deep post, and I commend you for putting it out here in the open like this.
I would change the fact that I had total disregard for my health for most of my teenage years, and now I am paying for it (literally, since I've been without health insurance).
*hugs* I think it's good that you're being so honest, here and with you yourself. I know some of the things you listed are things that I would change.
I'm with you on the fears of what post-partum will bring (depression etc).
I've come to the conclusion Kaiser works great when everything is normal and you have no trouble ttc. :-(
About the depression, I'm glad you are a realist and know what to expect. Acknowledging this is a big step. In my books a baby is so much more happy when mommy is more or less happy or dealing with sleep deprivation, feeding, hormone crash. So take care of yourself mom to be :-)
Very honest and open post. I love reading your blog.
BTW-- the birthing class I am going to take is free through a study on trying to target moms who may be at risk for PPD and develop coping mechanisms before they give birth. I'll pass along any info.
I'm worried about this for myself too, since I know big changes usually bring on depression for me. I think being aware and watching out for it a big part of it.
Heather: Thank you for posing the question, without it I am not sure I would have been this honest with myself.
Sasha: I would LOVE that!!!! I will take all the help I can get. Thank you.
You may become depressed post-partum, and the best thing to do is prepare - get a therapist on board, have friends and family help you out around the house as much as possible, attend newborn support groups; everything from breastfeeding trouble to lack of sleep can exacerbate any less-than-chipper feeling.
Of course, you may not become depressed either; some people don't. I didn't. Don't be afraid of it in any case. Having your baby there with you helps tremendously.
I know you already know my "issues" and I think it is good that you are being honest with yourself.
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