Last weekend and tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day I have been counting down to for three weeks now. It is finally under 24 hours away and to say I am nervous is an understatment. Of course all of you by now are used to my worried rants. I would love to promise to be better once I hit 13w 3d but somehow I just know I will continue to worry past then. I am sorry to all my non-pg blog readers who put up with me. I remeber how frustrating it was to read blogs where women worried all the time and I thought "Don't you have a clue how lucky you are?"The answer is that yes I am lucky, not to mention eternally graitful for this, but being thankful only seems to worry me more. IF takes the rosie colored glasses off of you, and I think that transformation might be permanite.

The visitors this weekend went okay. Not great but not awful, at least I didn't kill anyone nor did I worry about my pg the whole time. It was rough sharing my house and husband with a woman who was obviously competing with me. I couldn't quite figure out why she felt the need to one up me the whole time but both her husband and mine commented about her behavior. At least I know I wasn't being sensitive because of the hormones, and she lives a 12 hour drive away so I don't have to deal with her often.

One moment this weekend I have felt the need to share has to do with shoping for a pg journal. I am using this blog at the momment to track things but would really like a journal too. So R and I have been on a quest for one. I found one I liked but it wanted belly pics from 1 week pg. I don't have those and so it is out. Then this weekend while in Monteray I found one I liked. I actually LOVED it. Only as I picked up the copy a second time I was paralized. Fear overwealmed me. I couldn't speak, or walk and tears were comming. I put down the book and nearly ran out of the store. R followed and after a few moments of tears and holding I exsplained that I still can't do that, it is to soon but that maybe in a few weeks I will buy it. He was understanding and we moved on. If he was a mind reader he would have snuck back without me noticing bought the book and hid it till I reached 13weeks 3days. But he is not and I know that. I also know that he didn't go back to get it because he didn't leave my side the rest of the day. I think he was afraid of me having another episode again.

Speaking of episodes I am having panic attacks again. I used to get them all the time in high school but they were mostly under control till 9-11 then they resurfaced and with the help of meds and relaxation teqniqes I learned to conqure them agian. They are back again. I have one a week at this point. Most are small, mild but some of them are larger. Almost all of them require me to get a hug or physical comfort of some kind to ground me. Thank god for good friends, a wonderful mom and R. I have been luck so far as to have someone around I trust to calm me down. I will be talking to my OB/midwife at my next appt about them. I would really rather not go back on drugs so I am hoping something herbal is safe.

That concludes this post, I will try to update tomorrow after the NT scan. I really would love to post a happy post tomorrow.