wishing for my miracle

Dear Riley,

2009-10-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Riley,

You are now 10 months and quite the independant kid, you also are very stubborn and know what you want. I wonder who you get those qualities from? ;P

This last month you have started standing on your own, I am told this is the precurser to walking. I must admit I am not sure I am ready for that, and I know the house nor the girls (gemma and bella) are.

You absolutly love our cats. Gemma will let you pet her and even give her kisses, till you try and pull her wiskers, then she is out of there. Recently she started telling you "no" by smacking your hand with her paw. At first she does it lightly with her claws in, then she works her way to claws out and hard. It has yet to make you cry, but you get her point. I am happy to see you two work things out on your own. Issabella, on the other hand prefers the run away and hide or climb to where you cant get her approch. You have tried to grab her wiskers one to many times and thus even if you are sitting on my lap she will not approch you. So far I think this is funny but i do hope you two work things out.

You have decided that everything you can reach is yours and do not like giving anything to me or daddy. Any paper on the floor, or item from my bag if left in reach goes into your mouth. I often tell others that you will willingly put anything in your mouth as long as it isn't food. This isn't entirely correct because you will put old food in your mouth, such as two day old noodle you found under the fridge. YUCK!

Right now you love older kids. Julian has come over a few times to play with you and you just laugh and laugh and laugh at everything he does. Even when we have play dates you will sit there watching the other kids and just laugh. When you interact you tend to be a little rough. I am trying to work on this with you because of your friends you are both the youngest and the biggest. The park or mall is my favorite outing because you can people watch with me. You have also started to like the swings! I am so excited about this! There is no longer any doubt that you are my kid! You also like the slide but are still hesitant about going down by yourself. Playing with the leaves is also a fun past time you enjoy, I try my best to keep them out of your mouth, but fail misrably.

Tooth #3 broke through this month. OMG that was hell. You kid are one hard child to please when you are teething!

Speaking of being hard to please, I am wishing I had stuck with baby sign more because you have a hard time getting me to give you what you want without whinning at me. The whining makes me want to stick something in my ears till they bleed. I really really hate it.

When you are happy you do babble a lot, and this is much prefered to the whinning. You make the sounds la-da-ma-ba- and ie quite often. The other day we thought we heard the ki in kitty but you haven't done it since. You do however say ma-ma in context and out of a lot. You say it the most when you are upset and want me.

Although you and I spend the most time together, you prefer daddy to feed you, you eat so much better for him. However you like to climb on me, pull my hair and mooterboat. You have a serious foot/toe fetish. You love to bite my toes! It is so funny but painful too. I think it is all those games of kissy feet we played.

This month has been packed with so much fun and joy for our family. Daddy and I love you so much. We have such a great time watching you grow and change each day. You are the best little boy we could have ever wished for and we wouldn't change you or trade you for the world.

Love,
Your Mommy

Sleep Traning

2009-08-31T10:05:00.000-07:00

R and I bit the bullet and started sleep training last week. We had tried the No Cry Sleep Solution, which after night two I was calling the No Sleep Everyone Cries Solution, it lasted till the middle of night 4 when I gave in BF him till he was asleep and then went to sleep myself. I just could not do it and the fact that the book tells you it could take weeks and even months to work made me okay with stopping.

Bitting the bullet and Ferbering was HARD but in the end it was the best thing for us and Riley. Why did I finally decide to Ferber (method of sleep training)?
1) I have done it before, and while I know it sucks. It also WORKS!
2) Riley's sleep was getting worse again. And by worse I mean that 6-8 times a night he would get up for any where from 15minutes to an hour and half.
3) He slept longer than 2 hours one night and I dreamed I was being arrested for shaking my son to death. I then ran into his room and cried over him for a good 20 minutes till R came in and got me back into bed.
4) Lack of sleep was now effecting not just me and Riley but also R's job.
5) Timing. Riley is 8 almost 9 months letting him cry isn't as big of a deal as when he was 5 or 6 months. I was/am also ready to night wean. I also knew if we waited much longer it would be even harder because he would be learning new skills.

I can honestly say that when we started Ferber I was ready, I was scared as hell but I also knew something had to change. People kept telling me that it would get better but Riley showed no signs of that happening and like I said things were getting worse. I know that while I was still doing a lot of second guessing the first day by night fall I had decided we had to at least give this a try. R and I committed to a week and no more than 3 hours of Riley crying in a row. Traditional Ferber would have you let them cry all night as long as you keep going in, both of us were not okay with that.

I kept a log of our nights here is how they went:

Night 1:

It all went very well given how hard I thought it was going to be. He showed sleepy signs a little early yesterday so we put him down at 6:40 he didn't cry hard at first but about 10 minutes in he screamed like holy hell. I found it easier to go in with R than not to because then I could see that he was okay. We spent the time he cried watching TV so that we could not hear him all that much. It took him 50 minutes to go to sleep.

He then woke twice last night. Once at 11pm and once at 3am. Again we went into the living room and watched TV because our bedroom is next to his and no matter what we could hear him crying in there. It took him 40 minutes the first time and 30 the second for him to fall asleep.. For these only R went in. We figured this was best since we were trying to night wean as well. Riley woke this am at 5:50 only 10 minutes before his "normal" wake up. We decided to let it slide and just bring him into bed for his am feeding. I couldn't believe how much he was slurping down! He still only took one side, but that side was FULL since I hadn't feed all night.

I realize things are likely to get worse tonight or tomorrow before they get a lot better but I now know at least a little of what to expect. I feel really good about it. I didn't cry at all over him crying. I let R handle going in and stayed out of the way, big step for me. I only wanted to cave once and it was brief, he had just gotten to what we thought was asleep when he let out this pitiful yell and then was quite. I feel ready to do it again tonight, knowing that we really have made the best choice for Riley.

Question: When you go in... what do you do? Do you just check on him and leave, does he see you?

We debated a lot about what to do when we go in. For us we pick up ONLY if he is standing. We do this because a) if he is standing then he is still very much awake and b) he still has trouble getting down some times. We always say "We love you" and then that we know he is frustrated and tired, that we know this is hard for him but he needs to learn how to go to sleep. Then "It is time for sleep. We love you, good night" and we leave. He tends to scream a little more right when we leave but he calms down. Since we are also night weaning I only went in when we put him down the first time. For the rest DH went in. I could tell this was hard on him but he did GREAT and I made sure to tell him so a lot. If he is laying down or sitting down then we stroke his head or pat his bottom, both things I do when I nursed to sleep. I figured the soothed him before so they should be soothing now too, at least I hope so. As for when we go in tonight we did 3 minutes then 7 then 12, going in every 12 till he is asleep.

Night 2:
Tonight we went in at 4 then 8 then 12 this will be what we do from here on out.

As I thought night 2 was harder, not really from a physical standpoint but from an emotional one. First it took me till 10:30 last night to get to sleep, which is only late compared to the time I had been going to bed (8pm).

It took Riley only 15 minutes to go to bed last night! He did still cry but not as hard. He still got up at 11 and then once again it took him a very short period of time to get to sleep about 20 minutes. At 2 he woke again but this time it was a 1/2 hour to get back to sleep and he cried harder than the other two times. This was by far hardest on me. My breasts are full and I just wanted to make sure he was okay but I knew if I did it would make things worse. Plus while R was amazing the first night, last night I could tell he resented having to be the one to go in. I hate that he feels that way. However I don't think he realizes how much I let him sleep when I was BFing and up 7, 8 or even 9 times a night. I don't know what to do about him feeling this way. I am not going to be able to go in to soothe for at least the next week.

Night 3
It took him 15 minutes to go to sleep, he didn't cry all the time but did off and on. I must admit to thinking this would be the worst night. I figured the shoe would drop any second. When he woke at 8:25 after going down at 7 I figured "here we go" but when R went in he saw that he was asleep and crying from trying to roll over and hitting his head on the crib. He moved him from the corner to the middle of the crib and in less than a minute Riley was once again asleep. Riley woke up once more that night and cried for under 30 minutes before he went back to sleep.

Like the night before R was the only one to go in and he kept the same intervals as night two 4, 8, and 12.

Night 4:
Had two wake ups and each time cried for about 20 minutes.

Night 5:
STTN! Yep you read that right he fucking slept from 7pm till 5:50 am.

Night 6-10:
These nights we had only one wake up and it between 4-5am. It sucks that he still cries for a long time (20-50) but each night he cries less, and when I put him down at night he goes right to sleep no tears at all.

Has it been worth it? Yes. If he had only been getting up twice a night then I would say no but I was getting so little sleep some nights it was as if I hadn't slept at all. It still hurts like hell to listen to him cry but where I was before we ferbered was at the end of a rope about to hang myself. For our family this was the right choice no matter how much I hated the idea of it.

Long Term Effects: I am still worried about this. Riley's temper has gotten worse. When he wants the boob he means NOW! It breaks my heart that he thinks I won't give it to him but after all isn't that what we are doing at night? It still hurts though and I am sure to have a bunch of mommy guilt over this for years and years to come.

If you have Q's about something I didn't cover leave it in a comment I will be happy to clarify.

Solid Foods

2009-08-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

I request was made for me to talk about solid foods, but I am not exactly sure what to say about it.

Let me start by saying I had every intention of making all organic, all local grown baby food. Pusha! That quickly went down the drain, let me tell you baby food can be difficult! I did carrots four times before I got them to work, and even once they were smooth they didn't taste very good. Plus it was a HUGE time commitment for me. So now I make about 1/3 of his food. I mostly make the fruits because they are easy and quick and yummy. I leave the meats and most of the veggies to those who know what they are doing. I still try to buy all organic, but he has had a few non organic ones. Like mangoes which he loves!

As for the order in which we went I started with oatmeal. Rice cereal has gluten and is known to cause constipation, Riley was already a reluctant pooper we didn't need him even more backed up. Then we did avocado (homemade= h-m)! Oh how he loved this! Now not so much and I can't figure out why. Followed clossly by sweet potatoes and then applesauce. We then did carrots, blueberries, peas, squash, and pears. Rather than introduce all veggies and then the fruits I mixed them up. But we also started at 6 months not 4 like so many people do now. I will get to why 6months and not 4 in a second. Then we did meats, given the sleep issues I chose to start with turkey. He has also had chicken but not any beef or other meats. At 8 months (on the day) we started yogurt. I feel strongly that Riley needs to at least partly wean by a year. After all at the time he was up at night eating 5-9 times, you would want to partly wean to if you were me!

When to start: R has massive, food issues and in-tolerances. We have kept Riley away from all things R can't have in the hopes that he won't develop the same issues. I also don't feel babies need or are ready for "real" food till after 6 months. That said we introduced 'early' because 2 different drs promised it would help the reflux. (cough) BULLSHIT (cough. However Riley had tongue thrust issues that made getting food into his tummy a challenge and so we quickly stopped and re-introduced foods at 6 months. Things went much smoother from then on. I will be honest that while I feel strongly that waiting till 6 months was right for us, I have no idea if it is right for you or anyone else. And quite frankly that goes with just about all my parenting choices, except maybe circumcision, that I can get a little judgy about.

If this doesn't cover what you wanted to know let me know.

Ugg, here we go again

2009-08-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

We started night weaning this week, as well as sleep training but that is the next post, and the timing really could not have been worse. I had just gotten over my period and so my supply was already low. I also had just gone back to school. School means I miss his lunch feeding, and since I can't pump at school my body thinks that 2 days a week Riley doesn't need that feeding. My regular pump has lost 1/2 its suction as well, so while it works great for overnights when my breasts feel like they might exsplode it does crap shit nothing to help increase/maintain a supply. Add to all this that Riley's day intake has gone through the roof, because he isn't taking in anything in at night, and you have a massive supply issue. So, I called up my local breast pump center and rented one for a week. Thus, "Ugg, here we go again"

baby proofing

2009-08-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

Riley is CRAWLING! It is very exciting and scary at the same time. R is NOT good about picking up after himself and despite that I have been baby proofing for a few weeks now, not all of it is done. But at least after years of nanning I have a handle on how to go about baby proofing. In the hopes that others might learn from what I have seen here is my advice:

1) Start early! Start before they crawl, and can get everywhere. I promise in the long run you will be thankful.

2) Biggest dangers are poison, outlets and if you have them stairs. Start there! Do under the bathroom sink and the kitchen first, that is were most people store chemicals. Do the outlets in the "play room" first and then work your way through the rooms from most used to least, and don't forget the hall ways!

3) Secure things to the walls!!! We have a LARGE book case in the living area. You can be darn sure that thing is bolted to the wall!

4) Get onto the floor and look around. Seeing things from a baby view will help you baby proof.

5) When you think you are done invite a friend with a toddler over. I am sure they will help you find all the things you have missed. Stick out tongue

Me Me ME!

2009-08-24T15:34:00.001-07:00

I might write this blog but sometimes very little of it is actually about me. I feel as if motherhood has swallowed me up in some regards, breastfeeding and a baby that doesn't sleep do not help the issue.

So last week in the hopes of doing something NOT baby related where my primary role was not that of mother, I went back to school. I got a few strange looks when I announced this to other moms, but for the most part it was well received. i still felt like it was a selfish choice in some ways but then was reminded be friends of all the benefits to Riley:
1) Time in someone else's care really is good for him because one day he will be in day care and it will be good if that isn't too much of a shock for him.
2) Well educated parents are an indicator of success in the educational setting. (This is why pre-school forms ask for amount of parental education on enrollment forms.)
3) A happier mommy! And a happier mommy is a more interactive mommy.

It isn't even like I am gone that long, it is one measly class that I will at some point need for grad school, but 2.5 hours away twice a week is heavenly! I am loving it for so many reasons:

1) I love school, even if my class is economics.
2) It makes me get out of the house.
3) Adult conversation is wonderful! Especially when it isn't on the topic of poop!
4) It is clearing cobwebs from my brain.
5) There is a ton of analysis in economics! Yes I am one of those people who thrives on analysis. I find it fun!

So far Riley is loving his time with grandma and I am loving my time too. It is amazing how quickly you can forget who you are when the title of MOM comes along. For now this is how I am keeping that title from taking over my life. It isn't much but it is a small step.

Letting Go

2009-08-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not being here in a while. I have a few things on my mind so there are going to be a bunch of short posts in the next few days.

Letting Go

I am good about not freaking on developmental milestones, except one, crawling! Riley is not crawling and it is making me worry. It isn't about his age, 8 months, but the fact that he was a c-section baby. One of the BIG benefits of coming out the "right way" is that getting squeezed increases the connection of the left and right hemispheres of the brain. Crawling is a skill that further increases that connection. My mommy guilt needs him to crawl soon, I still hate my c-section, still feel jiped out of one of the most amazing things on earth, and I still have LOTS of guilt that if I had done a b or c differently the c-section could have been avoided. Told you I had a lot of mommy guilt on the subject. I have wanted him to crawl so that those two parts of the brain are well connected, and to lessen my own guilt.

But today I am letting it go. I know I will be really excited and thrilled when it happens but I am starting to feel like I am waiting for Mr. Right to come along. You know how when you are single and looking for mr. right everyone says he will come along when you least expect it. Well that was most defiantly the case for me, and I am hoping by letting go my obsession with crawling he masters it soon.

Dear Riley,

2009-08-09T18:15:00.001-07:00

Dear Riley,

You are now 8 months old and daily I find myself wondering where my little 6 pound baby went. There is no longer any sign of him, which makes me both sad and excited. You are learning so much these days. This month you got to the seated position on your own, pulled up to standing, and are now hands and knees rocking although you have yet to crawl. I am certain that next month will bring me a crawling little boy. I think you will be happier when you crawl too, although I might start losing my hair, because right now you are frustrated a lot when things are just out of reach.

You look like a little boy now too. Gone are the baby features I loved. Your hair is still soft your checks still rosie but they resemble those of a toddler now more than an infant. I am excited for what the futre holds for those looks of yours. You are a handsome little guy and people stop us every day to tell us how cute and beautiful you are.

In the last week you have gone from babilling a little to babbiling a LOT. You hold conversations with strangers, with us and even by yourself. It is adorable! You also have a little bit of stranger anxiety coming out. Your motto was once a smile for a smile but now you are more stingy with people you don't know. You still seem to have plenty of smiles for family, including grandparents and mom and dad.

You are officially to big for the infant car seat, which makes naps more difficult if you fall asleep in the car. You just don't transition well. You still aren't sleeping well. We had swine flu this month and it wasn't as bad as the hype. It did however bring a week straight of you getting up every 45 minutes all night long. To say we are exausted is an understatement. I can no longer tolerate anyone who tells me how tired they are because their child was up 2-3 times at night. Despite the lack of sleep we wouldn't trade you for any other baby in the world, but we do hope you sleep better this month. I threaten you weekly that I will buy the Ferber book. You just smile at me, I think you know I don't have the heart.

Your first tooth broke through the gums, giving us more challenges when it comes to breast feeding. I am still hanging in there though. You however need to learn 1) not to bite and 2) that you can't rub the tooth along my nipple. THAT HURTS KID! I am holding onto hope that we will get to breast feed till 18 months, even if it is just am and bed time.

My favorite memory from this month is when you stood for the first time. You were so proud of your self! You just beamed with delight! It was adorable and it warmed my heart.

I am looking forward to what this next month brings. I am sure it will be a ton of fun just as the last 8 months have been.

Love Your Mommy,
Ariel

Sleep Deprivation

2009-07-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Just because I stooped posting about it doesn't mean it isn't continuing to happen. Sleep is still an issue for us, a normal night includes him waking up about 5-7 times each for about 20-30minutes. Last week he started moving up the wake up time. UGG! We tried everything, car rides, ignoring him till he was crying, moving up bedtime but nothing worked. Then this AM he slept till 6 am. It was bliss!

We are currently working on unswaddling, and last night I am proud to say he slept unswaddled all night long. This is a huge accomplishment for us. He also only woke up 3 times, obviously I would love for this trend to continue but we will see. We have introduced a lovie for him at night and he seems to find comfort in them, he won't put himself back to sleep but at least they help.

I have found that if you really want to stress out a relationship, don't let the people sleep. I have been awful to R the last few weeks and just sick and tired of everything he does, not because it is all that annoying but because when you are sleep deprived for long periods of time you are bound to get wound a little tight.

But all that did lead to us having some good talks about household jobs and Riley's care. And now things are a little more even in the chores department. And he is getting better about giving me time to myself. Which now includes sleeping in at least once if not twice a week! It is just an extra 2 hours but those 2 hours are heaven!

I have no idea when the sleep deprivation will stop, but for now we are managing. I would love it if 3 times a night became the new norm, I know that sounds crazy since lots of 7 month old STTN but at this point 3 times a night sounds like heaven.

Suplementation ?

2009-07-18T15:42:00.000-07:00

Every month for 7 months now my supply drops and then BOOM me period shows. This month it was a double wammy because she was late and I had gotten my hopes up that I was pg. Stupid me!

Every time she shows it is a battle of will to keep my supply going, I eat oatmeal and eggs for breakfast, double my protien intake and drink enough water to fill a swimming pool. Sometimes we even rent a hospital grade pump because while my PIS is great it is not any where close to a hospital grade pump. This month when she came R and I had a talk, I don't want to rent a pump again I told him. I just want to see what happens with my supply.

And so that is what we are doing. A few outcomes are possable:
a) my supply bounces back just fine
b) my supply takes a hit and we do some suplementing but overtime it comes back and we just supplement when my period shows up
c) we supplement all the time because my suply doesn't come back
d) We supplement now and then wean (not what I want to do)

I feel okay about a and b but not c and d makes me very sad, but at the same time I know I can't continue to be tied to my pump. I feel like I have no life when I am pumping after every meal and that is what it takes for me to regain my supply sometimes. I just don't want to keep doing that. Ofcourse if it looks likd d is going to happen then I will be renting that hospital pump. As ready as I am to not be tied to nursing, I am not ready to give up the benifits for my son.

Funny Things this Week

2009-07-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

It has been a bad day. Just a bad day in general so I want to take a momment to remember the funny or just feel good momments of this week.

Tuesday: Leaving in the morning to visit Auntie Shannon, R asked me "you got everything you need" I responded with "no" and he asked me what I forgot and I told him "I won't know that till I need it"

Today: Walking into Day One "Long time," says the worker there "what can I help you with" and when I tell her I am there for the class she says "no you aren't" I tell her I pre-paid and she says "you aren't on my list." Then I tell her " Your list has last weeks date on it, I want to go to the class for today."

Just now: This is my conversation wth DH.
Him: "What is for dinner?" Me: "In and out" Him: ......okay..... (realizing this means he needs to pick it up because he works right by the closest one, and if he is smart wondering if I am pg)

PS NOT pg

Foodie

2009-07-15T10:47:00.001-07:00

You would never know it by looking at my kid but he really hates to eat. What other kid reverse cycle eats (ie takes most of he feeds at night) and won't open up his mouth to eat. Yet Riley is still in the 75th % for weight, that is some darn good boobie juice! A week ago Sunday we had a break through, he opened his mouth for the avacado, then the sweet potatoes and then a few day later for the rice cereal. However get the applesauce anywhere near him and "Oh hell no" he seems to say shaking his head. He eats better when he isn't in his high chair or if we are out of the house, but no matter where we are the applesause is a no, do not pass go, do not collect 100 dollars. I am told that this phase will pass, even though no one can tell me when, and that it is the plight of many reflux mommies and daddies. For lunch I some times try to sweeten him up with showtunes, after all he is my kid and in the worst of moods singing seems to be the only thing to calm him down and brigten his day. So as I belted out "food gourious food" and I came to this realization: He might have R's looks but this is SO my kid! He has my personality all the way. When he wants something he wants it now and he wants thigs done his way. He likes to have all the control and do nust about everything himself. It is likely his first words will be "No, I do it!". We have in the last week had not one but TWO new feeding firsts. It can't be described so I will just share a pic:

And then he learned to feed himself! I would share the video but I can't figure out how to get it to upload. Can someone help me?

Grandma G's Visit

2009-07-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

R's mom visited us last week and we all had a good time. She is just smitten with Riley, and he loved her too. When he first saw her he did cry a little he must have been wondering who the smiling blond was because up until this point in his life all the blondes he knows (is R's step mother) have perpetual scouwls. But he quickly adjusted to her and by the end of the week he was bouncing on her leg like he had know her for years.

R took 4 days off while she was here, one was a vacation day for the company and the other three he used were just regular vacation days. It was so nice having him home for that long, even if things did fall apart at his work. Riley really loved all the attention too. I don't think he was left along for longer than 5 seconds the whole visit.

On the 4th R's mom's side of the family had a big GTG which was fun, unless you were R who hated the whole thing. He doesn't get along with her family. Riley liked all the attention and was his normal smilie self. Everyone wanted to hold him but R and I had agreed before hand that no one but us would be holding him. Mean? Sure but only R and I are the ones who would have had to deal with an over stimulated baby if we had let him be passed around. Thankfully most people understood.

For the rest of the visit we mostly just hung out at home or did lunch out. We all had a good time and it was sweet to watch Riley interact with his other Grandma.

A Thank You Note

2009-07-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Shannon and Holly,

I don't know that I could ever find the words to properly thank you for all that you do for my family. I know that I am a better mother thanks to having you as friends. I have never been one to be able to function on such little sleep, but thanks to you guys I can make it through knowing there is a light at the end of my sleepless tunnel, and that you guys will take him for a night when things get too hard. I have often had parents tell me that they couldn't have raised such wonderful kids without me as the nanny. I always thought they were exadurating but now I see how far a helping hand can go.

I know there are people who can and do raise children on thier own, but I am so thankful to not have to be one of them. You bring so much more to Riley's life than just more sleep for his parents. You also bring a new love, a new smiling face and people he can count on when he needs someone other than a mommy or daddy. I look forward to him growing up and having you two to turn to. I know you will always do what is best for him and that puts my mind at ease.

Thank you for everything that you do for us. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I don't know that I will ever be able to repay you for the things you have done for us but I will try.

Love Always,
Ariel

Angelina Jolie makes it look too easy

2009-07-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

R comented to me the other night that I give him mixed signals about BFing. That one minute I am talking about how beautiful it is and the next threatining not to nurse number 2. And he is right I do have a very love hate relationship with breastfeeding but given our situation I think that is normal.

When Riley was first born I LOVED to bf him. It was a highlight of my day and I waxed poeticly to anyone who would listen that every woman should at least try it and after trying it they would have no choice but to stick with it because it is suck a beautiful thing. Then as we all know Riley's refulx got worse, he then hit a reverse cycle eating pattern and nothing has been the same sense. That said there are moments I still love it, moments where he caresses my breast or latches on himself and is a good feeder that I remember why I love it so much.

The part I still hate about bfing is that Riley won't take a bottle, or at least he won't take it from anyone other than his Aunts. We recently gave up the bottle in hopes of using a sippy cup. It for the most part works but I still find my self mostly attached to the little guy. R has yet to be able to give him a full feeding, even though my mom was able to. This means any time I get free so does R, which would be fine if it weren't that he also gets other free time too. The scale definatly tips in his favor even if he fails to see it that way.

I am sure my love hate relationship is bound to continue for a while longer. After all I have made it this far and it would suck to give formula now. I am still playing with the idea of exstended breastfeeding but I think Riley will be fully weaned by 18 months, that takes us through flu season and will allow us to time it right with a developmental age where self weaning or child lead weaning is more common.

Bad Mommy/ Dear Riley

2009-07-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

In all the excitement of this week I forgot to write my 7 month letter on the 7th. So here it is a few days late.

Dear Riley,

Every day I love you more and more, you learn a new task and my heart expands even more. I am not sure how much bigger it can get but I am sure it will continue to expand.

You are growing into such a sweet smiling social little boy. You smile at strangers and are happy letting them cue over you, until one of them touches you and then, watch out stranger cause you scream. You must sense me tensing up because I do hate it when strangers touch you. When I introduce you to new people it only takes a few moments for you to warm up. This is nice and it makes social events easier for me.

Daddy and I still take you everywhere with us. Thankfully you are a good little boy and are happy in my arms no matter where we are, baby wearing also makes this so much easier.

These days we are spending lots of time on the floor. Your favorite toys are the stacking blocks, roar and woof (your lovies) and your three elephants; rino, greenie, and plush. We even have a song for Greenie the green elephant, about her driving her prius and composting too. I think daddy and I like the song more than you do.

Oh my do you love to be sang to. Your favorites at them moment are You are my Sunshine and Row Row Row Your Boat, but you also love U2, you must have my musical tastes.

We have settled into somewhat of a routine again at least during the day but your night sleep is still wacky. I wish i could say it was getting better. Dr Wonderful seems to think CIO is the answer or that at least I should stop feeding you at night but I can't stand to listen to you cry. I am just hoping they peater down on their own again. We have had a few nights of only 2 wakings recently, I love those nights! I have confidence you will STTN on your own when you are ready.

You have finally meet all your cousins and Aunts. You loved seeing them and they all loved you so much. Aunt Tracy and cousin Melody fought over holding you the whole time they were with you. Aunt Sheila loved getting on the floor and playing with you too while Uncle Peter watched. It is obvious you are loved by everyone, and why wouldn't they love you? you are the best baby in the world after all!

I am enjoying our play time so much these days, you interaction level is great and you have some obvious likes and dislikes. You whine when you don't get your way or don't like something. I know this is a normal 7 month thing but I really hate it. I look forward to you outgrowing that! But play time really has been fun. you sit on your own and hand me toys. You love it when we play with the sit and spin toy Grandma D got you. We just have a blast together.

Grandma G recently spent a week with us. You loved having her here and it made me wish she lived closer. You loved that she let you untie her shoe laces over and over again, something mommy and daddy don't let you do. And you also loved bouncing on her knee and standing up in her arms. She thought you were the best baby ever and loved making you laugh and smile.

This month you learned:
to roll!
to get onto your tummy from a sitting position
to feed yourself!

I am looking forward to what the next month brings. Will you crawl? You have been trying to army crawl. Will you finally get a tooth, after all you have been teething since you were 4 months old? Or will it be something I haven't seen coming? I look forward to finding out.

He eats!

2009-06-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

For some this might seem like a silly thing to be all excited about but for a reflux mommy this is nothig short of a miracle. Most parents love to go on and on about what kind of exotic foods thier kids eat, us reflux parents are just excited when they willingly eat anything! When we started solids I had high hopes after all R and I both love food and did as a child too. But soon I realized that while most of the time Riley's reflux no longer rears its ugly head, it had left some lasting impreasons on my child.

We had started with oatmeal almost a month ago now and while the first day or two I was thrilled with just a spoonful or two I soon realized he was clamping down his mouth much more than I remember other kids doing at his age. We did oatmeal for two weeks before we moved on to sweet potaoes. We hadn't had much luck with oatmeal but I was sure it was just the taste. When he refused sweet potatoes a little alarm went off in my gut.

Could all those nasty meds have left my son not wanting anything in his mouth? Or could it be that for Riley food= pain still? Which ever it was, it was not a good thing. I spoke with a few other reflux moms and we all had the same story, a child who took the breast fine, and ocasionally took the bottle BUT would NOT touch food.

I brought up my concerns to his pedi at our well visit and he said "then stop feeding him, if meal time isn't fun then stop for a while" I was shocked as was R but we backed off and then yesterday as I ate my lunch Riley lunged for my plate. I smilled and said "would you like some" and then I got him out some of his food.

He procceded to eat two tablespoons of oatmeal and a table spoon of sweet potatoes! I nearly jumped for joy. My son is eating!

Like I said, no big deal to most moms, but it means the world to us Reflux moms.

No, wait I am not ready!

2009-06-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

We are on the verge of a new developmental milestone, and while everyone else seems to be excited about it, I am not so sure. On one hand this new milestone is a good thing, it means he is developing well, and that his motor development is normal something that has been laging behind since about 3 months. It also will make me feel better about the c-section, which I still look back on regretfully. However and this is a big however. It also means my little Riley is growing up. It means he is no longer a little infant and soon, gulp, will be a mobile toddler.

My mom was over today and she was commenting about how he was just about to do this new developmental task. At first I was giddy with laughter and then the laughing turned to tears, because I am NOT ready. Nope I am not ready at all and neither is my house. So I picked him up and proclamed: No more tummy time for you! At which Riley giggled, grnned and then gave me a kiss. If I could read his mind it would have said "haha mom, to late now!"

Can you guess what milestone Riley is about to do?

Who is this baby?

2009-06-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

I drempt a lot about what my child would look like when we were trying and even before DH and I met. I always pictured this chubby brown curly haired kid with big dark brown eyes, after all that is what I looked like as a baby. And when I married R that dream changed to a chubby baby with a double chin with lots of dark hair and maybe blue eyes but most likely brown. NEVER in a million years did I picture a blond/red haired almost bald baby with bright blue eyes, never not once in all those years together and all those months trying. And yet that is exactly what I got, and everyday he just gets cuter and more beautiful, and I fall deeper and deeper in love with him!

We must have paied for cloning services rather than fertility services.

Magnifacint Sleep

2009-06-14T20:45:00.000-07:00

If you have been reading at all lately you know we have sleep issues, as in we aren't getting much and what we do get is broken into small chunks.

I have wondered for a while now if letting him side/belly sleep like he does on the boppy sometimes would work. So at his 6 month well visit I asked he he could tummy sleep. I fully exspected a resounding NO and a lecture about the risks of SIDS. I was amazed to hear that my Dr actually thought it would help him and said that it was okay now that he is 6 months old.

So tonight he is sleeping with one arm out of the swaddle me AND on his side/belly. I am trying not to be to hopeful and yet I pray this works. R needs more sleep and so do I, it is effecting not only us as a couple but also our parenting. I am just not being quite the parent I want to be. Example: Riley needs more outdoor time and more walks in his carrier but I don't have that kind of energy, most days.

Day Three of sleep training:
I am happy to anounce that for the last three nights Riley has gotten up at most three times and last night only twice! YES, it is working. When he does wake up I pat his butt for two minutes to see if he will go back to sleep without the boob. If he keeps crying then he gets picked up and rocked for a minute more, if that doesn't work then out comes boobie!

It has been exciting to watch him get longer and longer stretches. Last night his first stretch was from 7:45 till 1:30 and it was very exciting. I don't really mind the 1:30 feed now but I am hoping he will soon drop the 3:30/4am one. It really isn't much fun given our day starts at 6 am. However this is much better than what was going on, so for now I am happy.

The next thing we need to work on is longer naps. He is averaging about an hour BUT he wakes up and is still fussy. I wouldn't mind the short naps if he woke up happy BUT he doesn't. So we will be working on that.

I will be sure to update again soon.

So BIG!

2009-06-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

Riley's 6 month appt was yesterday. He is getting to be a big boy at 18 lbs 12 oz, and that is after having dropped a few oz while sick! He is firmly on the 75th % for weight and height at 27 inches long. I hope he continues to be high in the lenght. R and I are both short and I would love to have a tall son. The genes are there, we both have very tall cousions, so hopefully he got them and they come out. Dr. Wonderful said he is PERFECT! Which made me beam with pride and joy. We still aren't concerned about him not rolling, despite hating tummy time. He sits up very well which Dr W was happy to see. We go back on Firday for another shot, not looking forwad to that.

Riley is also MOBILE now! Nope he isn't crawling, instead he scoots on his but while sitting up. It is so funny to watch, he doesn't go anywhere fast but it is still cute. He scooted to another baby in breastfeeding support group and also to the cat the other day. Then today he scooted over to ME! He was rewarded with a big hug and KISS!

Riley has recived a ton of handme downs, which I LOVE. They are so cute! They were my newphew's clothing and are ALL Gymb.oree! He has a 18 gallon bin of 12-18 and another of 18-24. However they are all winter clothing, he litterally got 4 short sleeve shirts in both bin and two pairs of shorts. This ment I got to go shopping durring Gymbor.ee's great sale last week. I picked up a ton of clothing for just 50 dollars. The most I paid for an outfit was 10$! It was a pair of overalls that I loved! I got home and R didn't like some of it because it was sleeveless and he doens't like sleeveless shirts on little boys. I told him that when i redeam my Gymbu.cks he could come with and pick out the clothing that way he could pick out what he likes.

Durring a diaper change today I was greated by Riley's first baby boner! I was shocked although I shouldn't be. Would it be wierd to write "First Bonner" in his baby book?

6 Months Old

2009-06-07T17:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Riley,

Happy 1/2 Birthday my sweet son. You really are what lights up my world each and every day. I live for those smiles, and laughs and it breaks my heart when you cry and I can't seem to figure out what is wrong. Thankfully the days seemed to be filled with more smiles than frowns more laughing and joy that sorrow and crying.

That doesn't mean the last month hasn't been hard. You have been sick and so have Daddy and I. We are fighting supply issues because of it too which are no fun in good times and pure awfulness when we are sick. You need more food to fight the infection but I don't have it. Thus you are up more at night which means I get less sleep when I really need more sleep so that I can get better and make more milk. It is a visous cycle.

Even with your cold though you are still a happy baby. You light up when Daddy enters the room or comes home from work. You still are happy with being with strangers or non-parent people but you prefer us. You light up the room with your smile and giggle uncontrolably when tickled. I love makeing you laugh and smile. I love the way your head smells and how your long hairs tickle my nose when I kiss your head.

This month you got your first kitty love. Gemma gave you a little kiss on the hand and Bella rubbed up against you. They both happened in the same day no less. We had hoped those girls would come around and they sure have, it helps you can't crawl after them at this point.

Your first overnights went so well. Aunties Shannon and Holly are so good with you and you love them too. It helps that they spoil you rotten! You sleep so well for them you make me jealous!

I am in disbelief of how fast the time has flown by, of how big you are. I can't believe the first year of your life is half way over. My sweet little boy is getting so big. I love you!

Your Mommy,
Ariel

My Second Family

2009-06-06T20:45:00.001-07:00

In high school I babysat for a very nice couple down the road, they had twins and then a few years later they had another little girl. For a long time I have considered them a second family, the parents helped me through some really hard times when my parents got divorced. And by being there all the time for their kids they consider me family too.

Tonight we went over so they could all meet Riley. We had a ton of fun and everyone LOVED him. The girls played with him a ton, making for one very overstimulated baby. But it still was a ton of fun.

Getting Better?

2009-06-02T18:17:00.000-07:00

Monday:
It is hard to tell if we are getting better or if I am just more used to the chaos at this point. His cough is worse and it woke him up three times on top of the two times he got up to nurse. His nose is running like crazy but at least now it is draining and he can breath. His eye is leaking green junk, out of not just one but now both eyes. And that is just Riley! R and I are still sick too but given we can take meds and blow our nose we are doing better. I can't tell you how much I wish babies could blow thier nose!?! It sure would make this cold bussnies a lot better to deal with.

In good news, last night we didn't have to drive Riley to sleep once! That is huge given we have had at least one wakeful period and drive a night for the last week plus. He did get up early then this am but not to dreadfully early.

Wendsday: My ears are killing me and now I know why, Riley and I have ear infections. Poor little guy is pulling at his ear so much he makes it bleed. Thankfully his Dr gave him not only an antibiotic but drops to help with the pain, which to be honest I use too. His poop is now orange from meds, it freaked me out the first time but now I am more used to it.

Friday: We both seem much better today. We are still coughing, and have a drippy nose but at least our ears don't hurt anymore. Riley felt so good his morning nap lasted 2 hours! I couldn't belive it when I woke up and he wasn't screaming for me that I freaked and thought he might have died. Thankfully he was fine, but for a moment I sure gave myself a scare.

So we are on the mend now. I really am hopeful this means better sleep for all of us. We are all tired and need our rest.

What a Week!

2009-05-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

And by that I mean it was a SUCKY week.

Monday night we had a visit to the ER. Riley's first in fact. He was wheezing and so we threw him into the car and headed to ER. Once there he was no longer wheezing and was smilling at the nurses, he is such a flirt! This meant we were not high priority we spent a few hours there only to have an idiot Dr recomind cough surup (not suposed to have till 2 yrs old) but would not give us and nebulizer for him.

The next morning we went to visit Dr. Wonderful who told us the other Dr was wrong to give us cold medication (duh) and he gave us an inhalor for Riley with a face mask so he can actually use it.

Sleep has been hard to come by and since Riley has to sleep almost vertical that means he sleeps in the car seat, which I then put into his stroller next to our bed. It is a sight to see for sure but it allows me to be right there if he begins to cough and needs help getting the phlem out.

Then R and I caught the cold. For once in our relationship R is sicker than I am. He also sucks at taking care of himself, he will stop eating and not lay down until he is to the point of passing out. This means I have two babies on my hands not just one. But my mom did come over every day this week so that I could nap. She has been a god send. I seriously don't know how people who live far away from family do it. I don't think I would have survived this week without her.

Thankfully this weekend we have nothing going on so resting is on the agenda in a big way.

Busy Busy Busy

2009-05-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

That is how I would sum up this weekend.

Friday Riley spent the night with Aunties Holly and Shannon. He slept very well for them, 6 hours straight, leaving mommy a little peturbed and wondering why he won't do that for us. But I also got some much needed rest and so did R, which was the point of the sleep over.

Saturday: Picked up Riley and had a day with his Aunts, R tagged along too which was nice because so often he doesn't. We had breakfast at on of our favorite places and then walked around town. Afterward we went to Bab.iesR.us to pick up a few things: a cup holder for my stroller, a flotation device for Riley for the pool, and a gift for Father's Day.

In the evening we visited R's family. Who proceed to make me crazy, telling me that Riley should be crawling by now, and wanting to know what other tricks he does, um he isn't a dog people! I told them he: sits by himself, interacts with people, smiles, giggles, sucks his thumb (sometimes), loves to bounce in the jumperoo, babbles at us sometimes and is generally a happy baby. They still felt he should be crawlng by now, which I assured them is a completely asinine request of a not even 6 month old. But still they insisted. Uggg. At least Riley's Auntie Sheila had a good time playing with him. R's bro Peter wouldn't even touch him which I think is weird but whatever. Then right before we left R felt the need to have his dad hold Riley. He proceded to bounce Riley hard on his knees, which made Riley cry. That makes Grandpa Pete the first person to make Riley cry and not be able to calm. But what do you exspect Riley doesn't know these people, he is just related to them.

That night was AWFUL sleep wise, and included a two hour wakeful period in the middle. Again how he can sleep so well for his Aunts and so crappy for me I don't get. But more about that in a different post

Sunday: After our bad night I asked R to get up with Riley, he did and then brought him into bed with me, forcing me to get up. I took Riley in the nursery and feed him while R slept an extra HOUR in bed! I was not pleased with him.

Then we did solids for the first time! Those went better than I thought. He protested the spoon being put into his mouth at first, after all his reflux meds taste like poopy salt water, so he just doesn't trust us when we try to put things into his mouth any more. After a few bites he got the hang of it. I took a ton of pictures:

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We had a playdate with some internet friends including Griffin, which was a blast! The weather was crap and I was worried about Riley getting too cold but he did fine. There were lots of new moms to hang out with and it was fun to see all the little babies some of which were only a month behind Riley but still much smaller.

Then after the playdate we went to lunch with A, S, and Griffin as well as A, B and their daughter Katie to lunch. At this point the sleep deprivation got to me and I broke down crying. What a hot mess I looked like I am sure! But they all cheered me up, after all they have been there too. We went back to A's house after lunch, Riley missed his nap BUT at least was in a good mood. He loved playing with his friends. Now that he is sitting up he can keep up with G and K. K and him even shared toys, but G would get mad if K tried to play with his. It was so funny! At one point Riley and Katie were sitting side by side, he used her to balance himself so that he could lean all the way forward to get a toy. YA!

Saturday night I was prepared for another long night, Riley's been coughing so we put the humidifier back in his room. He slept 6 hours and 40 minutes straight! If your counting he hasn't done that for US in 5 weeks. R and I are astatic and we think the humidity is just what he needs to sleep. Shan and Holly's house is nice and moist thanks to them living so close to the ocean, which is why he sleeps so well for them but not us. We now have the humidifier in his room going 24 hours a day and I pray that this continues to work.

Monday: We finally slowed down a little R got up with Riley and let me have some extra rest in bed. He did cereal again and morning routine, which went great. I didn't fall back asleep but I got some restful time in bed, something I am sure I will get less and less of as Riley gets bigger and more active. Then we all went to get R's car tire fixed. We had gotten a flat on Saturday afternoon, and this was our first chance to fix it. It was a good lazy day as a family, something we haven't had in a few weeks. Don't get me wrong I LOVE our busy days with friends but there is something really nice about just hanging out with the ones you love most and no one else.

Solids

2009-05-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

This week we are starting solids, yes S-O-L-I-D-S. My little baby is getting so big, and it is way to fast for me. I am not ready for him to start them BUT he is more than ready. He is 5 months and 3 weeks old, has been watching us eat for weeks and is loving everything in his mouth. He shows signs everyday that he wants to eat with us, and has now twice pulled food off my plate in an attempt to feed himself. Plus a solid just might help with both his sleep issues and his reflux. The reflux is reason alone to start a few weeks before 6 months.

I however am not ready at all for him to start. One I am not ready to admit my little baby is growing up. Two I am afraid that it will make breastfeeding even more difficult. After all it was just last weekend he re-learned to breastfeed outside of the house. Three is my supply has always been wonky, it will be fine one day and drop the next. Pumping an extra feed seems to be the only way to keep my supply from dipping and sometimes I have to pump two extra feeds, once in the day and once at night. This has left me with a nice freezer stash that he may never eat, some of which I have already donated.

But parenting isn't about what I am ready for it is about what he needs and is ready for and so we are starting solids. After much himing and hawing and back and forth about which solid to do first R and I have settled on Oatmeal. It isn't the perfect solid, but it is gluten free, and is normally is in the top three first foods our pedi recommends. It also doens't taste as bad as rice cereal, a requirement in our house because one of our parenting rules is that R and I try anything we give to Riley, so both of us know exactly how BAD his reflux meds are and how the Tylenol tastes just like candy.

This weekend also makes perfect sense because R is home and will be here to witness either the failure but hopefully the success of solids. Stay tuned to find out just which way the adventure of solids turns out.

Sleep Plan

2009-05-22T13:46:00.001-07:00

We are loving the new bedtime routine, not that he is sleeping better but at least we are now consistent. It is helping us get a little more sleep, he now does at least one 3-4 hour stretch a night, but given that at his age he should be at least doing 6 hours in a row we are still exhausted. His structured nights mean a more structured day. I now know when Riley will nap during the day and can actually PLAN things with people! We still need to be home for nursing and naps so that gives me an hour to hour and half to do something. It isn't much time but it is something.

His naps are getting a little bit longer. He hasn't had a 30 minute nap in a few days, and has gone 1.5 hours once without needing me to put him back to sleep. It is a slow road but we are working on it.

At some point we are going to sleep train. I am dreading it. But there are a few things we need to do before we throw another wrench at him.
1) Consistent with bedtime and going to sleep routine for at least 3 weeks (one week done already)
2) Get more food into the boy! This means he needs to both nurse better and we have to start solids. I feel uber guilty about starting them before 6 months BUT I am going insane from lack of sleep.
3)Self soothing: Riley needs to learn how to do this. He can get his thumb most of the time (I gave up on him not being a thumb sucker two weeks ago) but when he can't it pisses him off and sometime he hits himself so hard it wakes him up.
4) Better Naps: An hour is good but he NEEDs more than that.

So we are on our way to hopefully having a better sleeper at some point. In the mean time Shannon is taking Riley overnight for us every few weeks. Tonight will be his second night with her. Knowing I get a night off every few weeks is what is keeping me going right now, otherwise I think R might have to have me committed.

Bouncing Fool

2009-05-20T08:29:00.000-07:00

When we started using the Jumperoo so that I could shower everyday I had no idea how much he would love it. He can spend up to 45 minutes in it sometimes without so much as a whimper to be picked up. That is enough time for a shower and a cup of coffee! However we are very careful to limit his time in it too, because it does increase the pressure on his hip joints. To reduce that pressure I have started setting it even lower to the ground so that his knees stay bent all the time. It is better for his hips and he doesn't seem to mind it. Plus it reduces my mommy guilt for having him in a contraption. Here are some cute pictures of my bouncing fool:

Good Morning!

2009-05-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

We have been struggling with our nights for a while now. Riley was getting up sometimes every hour and it was killing me and R. Our whole life was taking a back seat because all we could manage to do was make sure we were feed, clothed and alive enough to make it though one more night.

However, Thursday Shan came over and helped us iron out a better routine for both the day and the night. So far it is going well. It helps that breastfeeding is going better too. Actually breastfeeding is going much better. He has now taken a few meals, good size meals even at other people's houses. I even got to have a conversation during one of them. We still struggle with brightly lit places, restaurants, and any where loud. But I will take what I can bet because I was starting to feel like a shut in. A quick run to the store was about all I could do with him. Unless it was our breastfeeding support group, I always made room in the day for that because it was what kept me sane and breastfeeding, that and him not taking a bottle.

While nights are better in the mornings we are still struggling with whether to swaddle or not. He has to be swaddled at night but at about 6am he wakes up, eats and then he goes back to sleep for about and hour. Twice now he has broken out of the swaddle me, but I have been hesitant to give it up. Today he broke out of it again and then went right to sleep and I now know it is time to give it up, at least for that hour nap/finish off the night sleep. I just tried to put him down for a nap not swaddled: FAILURE!

Overall life seems to be improving. Not that it was awful a week ago, just that it wasn't much of a life.

My Birthday Weekend

2009-05-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

Saturday was my BIRTHDAY! I had a great day. R got up early with Riley who decided 6:30 was a good time to start the day. They made me pancakes for breakfast which is our normal Saturday morning meal but they were extra yummy for some reason. Our plan for the day was lunch with friends, and we had a GREAT time. Shan and Holy brought me my favorite cake, chocolate with raspberry filling, from my favorite bakery which is about an hour away from me, they are great friends. Then we met up with A, S and Griffin as well as Sally and Landon. My mom came to lunch too, she may be my mom but she is also one of my closest friends. It was blistering hot at lunch but we managed to have a good time. Riley melted down and so my mom took him back to my house early. It was so sweet of her because he really needed the nap.

That night we dropped Riley off at Shan's house, while we had dinner and then she kept him overnight! People seem to have strong reactions about me leaving my baby overnight with someone else, they either feel it is too soon or that it is a wonderful thing. My opinion: OMG it was the best gift EVER (other than my son). He did great and so did I. I knew Shan would take the best care of him, he adores her and she loves him too. He took the bottle from her with little issue, and slept very well. I only called once at the beginning of the night and texted her one time too.

Sunday R and I got us and went to get Riley, who lit up as soon as he saw us. I didn't realize how much I missed him till I saw him. We had a yummy breakfast as a family at a place near the city and then headed about 1.5 hours away to R's Aunt's house, where there was a family get together. We had a good time, and everyone loved seeing Riley. He was a very good baby given the heat and that he had never met most the people there. He tolarated being passed around as long as he came back to me or R inbetween.

Overall it was a wonderful weekend. I spent it with those I love most in the world, my friends and family. What more could a girl ask for?

What the hell Riley?

2009-05-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

Last night it took a car ride after two hours of trying to get him to fall asleep. Then he was up at 2 am and 4 am then up for the day at 6 am.

He went down for his am nap at 8:15 it is almost 10:30 and he is still asleep.

I am thankful for the long nap but wondering if I should wake him. After all I don't want him to sleep all day and then not sleep tonight.

Autism

2009-05-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

A month ago R, and I took a class about Autism. My degree is in Child Development and I have taken a few classes which talked about Autism and therapies involved in treating Autism but NOTHING in my educational background ever talked about prevention or causes beyond the vaccination debate.

I am NOT going to talk about the vaccination debate in this post. If you want learn more about that please read Dr. Sear's Vaccination Book. It is the best well rounded book I have found to date on the subject.

Back to the class I took. Our class was taught by a local pediatrician who specializes in environmental factors of Autism. Recently there has been a lot of looking into different environmental factors including Mercury and other chemicals. One interesting fact is that Autism and Mercury poising have 33 common traits. Thus some parents of children suffering from Autism have chosen to do mercury poisoning treatment and have found positive results. We also talked about APA therapy, exposure to heavy metals, chemicals in the home, and bio-medical treatments.

In the end I felt she had some good tips for parents who are concerned about Autism.

1) Eat Healthy: stay away from high mercury fish and fruits and vegetables that absorb the most pesticides. If you can eat organic fruits and veggies, the "dirty dozen" being the most important. For a list of "the dirty dozen" (is the fruits and veggies that contain the most pesticides) go to foodnews.org

2) Be careful of the kinds of chemicals you use in the home. This is true for cleaning AND the body products you use on the baby and you (especially if you breastfeed). Go to www.cosmeticsdatabase.com and search out the products in your home. Then replace them with less toxic versions, sometimes it is as simple as just changing the scent of your deodorant! Be especially careful about the bath product you use on your baby!

3) Buy and use a Reverse Osmosis Water Filter with Carbon filter. You would be surprised what is lurking in your water, including jet fuel in some areas!

4) Look at your risk factors for Autism. Does a parent sibling or cousin have Autism or a Autism spectrum related disorder including but not limited to ADHD? If so read Dr. Sears Vaccination book and think about delaying vaccinations.

Physical Therapy

2009-05-12T08:42:00.001-07:00

Riley had his first PT visit yesterday. He was such a happy baby for Heidi (the PT) and she kept commenting on how well he was doing. It certainly made me feel proud to have her cooing over him. Right away he showed her how he tries to grasp for objects, and most of the time gets it. Then she looked at his head and measured it. She noted that his left ear is slightly forward, which I knew already. Then she examened his hips and his arms. His hips looked great but his right sholder is tense, most likely because he was breech and thus scrunched a little awuardly in those last few weeks.

Then we talked about my pregnancy and his birth, and as soon as I mentioned that he was born at 36 weeks she said, "So he is actually 4 months not 5 then". I breathed a big sigh of relief that I wasn't going to have to argue developmental age with her! YA for well educated people! While most people would say that 36 weeks isn't a premie it is in fact pre-term. Since development starts at conception and not birth, being born a month early is in fact a big deal when you are still counting a child's age in months, it won't be such a big deal when he is 4 or 5 but for now it is impacting where he is developmentally.

She said that for a four month old he is developmentally on track and even slightly ahead. He sits better than many 5 months olds that she sees and only does the taco fold when he get tired. He knows his center and crosses the midline well, I can thank all the baby wearing and baby yoga for that. He is reaching and grasping at a 4 month level, but is slightly behind in rolling. She said this is because of the reflux (not enough tummy time) and because of his tight shoulders and neck.

She gave me a list of things to do with him:
- Put him on his tummy every time I go to put him down EXCEPT for the 30 minutes after he eats and when he is sleeping.
- A underarm/shoulder stretch that looks like a salsa move to me
- And two different things for his neck: one being a stretch and the other is just getting him to look in one direction more than the other.

Things she wants me to keep doing: Baby Wearing! Baby Yoga, and the Bumbo seat. I was thrilled for her to okay the bumbo seat because I know it keeps the pressure off his head, which will help correct his flat spot and his forward left ear.

In the long term she said the only thing she is concerned about is that forward ear. The inner ear is what helps us balance and having that slightly forward can and will negitivley impact his development in the future. It can delay the balance needed for walking and other gross motor skills. So anything that keeps him off his back or strengthens his neck mucles is a good thing, including the bumbo and baby wearing.

I have four weeks to work everyday on the things she asked and then she will see him again. She seemed really positive that he will be caught up with his peers by a year if not sooner. Over all it was a great visit and I am so glad I pushed for the referral.

Breastfeeding Woes

2009-05-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

Given the lack of sleep I got last night my mom came over today to help with Riley. She cleaned house and watched him while I took a good two hour nap. When i woke it was time to feed and Riley was giving all the cues that he was ready to eat. But he wouldn't eat. He took maybe 1/2 an ounces and that was it. He screamed and thrashed and yelled and cried until I cried and gave up.

Breastfeeding isn't supposed to be this hard, not this late in the game. He should be eating well not .5- 3 ounces at a time but 5-6 ounces at a time. It shouldn't make me want to cry and give me panic attacks thinking about his next feeding. And so it is with a heavy heart that I anounce our plan to wean him from breastfeeding.

The Plan:

May 16th My BFF Shan is taking him overnight, the hope is he will take a few bottles for her and thus be more receptive to eating for R that night from a bottle. We will then give him 1-2 bottles of pumped mommy milk every day. If he takes to the bottle we will then introduce formula a little at a time. I will still pump but after June 7th I will slowly cut out one pump or breastfeeding session every three to five days till he is just on formula.

I am not happy about any of this. I want to breastfeed but it is not working any longer and I find it more important to enjoy my son than breast feed him. Of course if breastfeeding gets better we will most likely continue to breastfeed for longer but either way he needs to take a bottle. I simply can't do this any more.

Dear Riley

2009-05-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Riley,

You are five months old today. I can't believe how fast the time has flown by and how big you have gotten.

You are now grasping things quite well and transferring them from hand to hand. In our breastfeeding support group you played with your rattle for about 5 minutes and I just sat there watching you beaming with pride. After all just a few weeks ago that wouldn't have happened.

You are also sitting up, and while you can't do it for very long you have made amazing improvements in this ability with just a few days practice. I love watching you sit and can't wait for your bald spot to get hair now that you are sitting more and more. Even though you can sit on your own, you still love the bumbo seat for when you get tierd or have just eaten.

I wish I had better news about breastfeeding and sleep. For the last three weeks both have been crappy. We are still breastfeeding but I feel fairly defeated about it. I want to make it to 6 months so today we aren't quitting, but I don't think we will be making it to a year. I am saddened by this but also relived that I will soon be getting my body back. When you nurse well then I love breastfeeding but sadly we are averaging about one good feeding a day and that is killing me. Of course because you aren't eating well you aren't sleeping well. We seem to get one good night of sleep out of you and then 4 nights of hell. Last night you were up over 5 times. I actually lost count because it got to the point where daddy was sleeping on the floor of your room. We are tired so if tonight you could sleep well we would be thankful. I know that the moment you start sleeping better I will decide to keep breastfeeding, I really do love it and I know it is the best nutrition for you.

It is so much fun to watch you interact with others these days. Besides daddy and me your next favorite person is Grandma Dallas. You light up for her and she loves you so much. You do however give her a hard time when you are hungry or sleepy. I don't understand why though, she does everything just like I do but you still want me or daddy. Grandma Dallas has been trying to get you to take a bottle. You took an ounce the other day and we were so happy. I really hope you learn to take full feedings from the bottle soon, it would really help us out with feeling better about breastfeeding.

Some of the things we are doing together during the day include our breastfeeding support group, baby yoga and other things at Day One, and the park. You love to watch the big kids play and get so excited to see them. Daddy says you would jump off our laps and run after them if you could.

Your favorite time of day is when daddy gets home. You just light up for him. Recently he has been talking to you about Star Wars. He wants you to be a geek just like him. He is great about diaper changes, giving you your meds and playing with you but he doesn't like bath time, which is funny because you love the bath. He reads to you, does baby yoga to help you poop and sings songs to you, and you just beam back at him.

We love you so much Riley and are thankful for every day. You are a wonderful little boy and we consider ourselves luck to have been chosen to be your mommy and daddy.

Love Always,
Your Mommy

Look who is Sitting Up!

2009-05-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of my little guy, yesterday he sat up unassisted for quite some time before falling over. I even got pictures and video of it. I am extra excited because he is going to be seen for a grasping issue next week with the PT and I was afraid he was falling even farther behind his peers because he has yet to roll over too. It makes me feel better to know he isn't falling too far behind his peers.

And here it is on video:

So that is what is going on!

2009-05-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

We figured it out!

Riley's wakeful periods at night and him wanting to be feed a lot at night are.... NORMAL! I finally found someone who knew what she was talking about. Kellymom has a great article that explains how 4 months olds are easily distract able and thus don't feed well during the day (yep that is Riley) and thus they make up for it at night, when it is dark and they are swaddled with less to look at. This is EXACTLY what Riley has been doing! She goes on to explain that CIO isn't the answer because that will make my milk dry up. Ya! One more reason not to CIO! I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation for his recent behavior.

The bad news is that this doesn't normally resolve itself till the child it 6 months old. I am really hopeful it resolves before that but if not just knowing that this is normal and that CIO isn't the answer has given me more resolve to get through this. That and the fact that my wonderful friend Shannon has offered to take him overnight this Friday IF she doesn't go up to visit her mom. Can you all think good thoughts for me that she skips the visit with her mom and takes Riley for the night instead?

In reflux news the new meds while awful in taste are working better than the old ones.

He has my smile

2009-05-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

So often I hear "he looks just like his daddy" when it comes to Riley's facial features and I 100% agree. Riley could be R's clone, but sometimes I do get a little sick of hearing it. The other day I was looking through photos and noticed Riley has my smile. I love my smile! I tend to smile with my whole face when I am truely happy and so does Riley.

Dylan You are In our HEARTS

2009-04-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

A nestie friend has a little boy who s sick. It is his heart and he is going to need a pacemaker put in. For support a bunch of us took pictures of our kids, our bellies or pets with a heart. Then we put them into a video, it came out great and brought tears to my eyes. Here is the link:
http://vimeo.com/4405916

Go watch it and then remeber to put Dylan in your heart too.

Bye Bye Sleep

2009-04-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

WARNING: If you are in a bad place right know, and you know what I mean by that, then I HIGHLY suggest you don't read any further. I am about to complain BIG TIME.

I knew going into motherhood that what would be the hardest on me would be the lack of sleep. I just don't do well without 8 hours of sleep a night. If I pulled and all nighter in high school or college I made sure I could sleep extra long the next night. People who can get by on just 6 hours of sleep amaze me, not that I want to be like them, but sometimes being able to function on 6 hours of sleep would be nice.

For the last 3 weeks Riley has been regressing in his sleeping patterns. IT SUCKS. Yes he has had some good nights which I am so thankful for but many nights he is imposable to put down unless fully asleep and then he wakes 2 hours later. It has been very very hard on both R and I, but particularly me since he wants to nurse back to sleep.

I am exhausted, tired, grumpy and worst of all my relationship with R is suffering. I am thankful he is understanding and so helpful at night but lets be honest how much of my bitching can the man take? I am sure he is at his limit.

I want so badly to have a full night sleep or omg dare I say it 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. That would be blissful!

Prayers for a friend please

2009-04-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

Warning: PL mentioned

A blogger friend lost her little girl this weekend. I am beyond heart broken for her. Please pray for her and her family. Thank you.

http://elusivebfp.blogspot.com/

2009-04-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

Ten thirty is the time Riley went to sleep last night. We some how missed giving him the upped dosage of his reflux meds at noon and paid for it all afternoon including a 35 minute nap where I held him. I don't normally do things like that but when your son cries from the acid burning his throat when put down and yet really, really needs his nap, well then as a mom you do what you got to do right? We still started bed time at his normal 8pm we normally start the routine then and he is in bed between 8:30 and 9 although we are trying to start getting him to bed earlier. We did our whole routine but again because of the reflux he screamed each time he was put down. This went on till 10:05 when I told R we were going for a car ride. So for the first time in a long time we drove him to sleep, and I am glad we did! He slept from 10:30 (that is when we got home no idea when he nodded off in the car) till 7:30. Do the math...I'll wait.....no I mean it do the math........ done yet?...... that is NINE, yes count them NINE hours of sleep in a row. Can we say HAPPY DANCE!?! I checked on him many times in the night and each time he was fine. I know they don't suggest letting an infant sleep in the car seat but it was that or let him cry. R and I had no idea what else to do. We both needed some sleep and so did he.

Today we are being EXTRA good about giving the meds. We made sure he got them this am on time and stayed upright for 30 minutes afterward. It is hard sure but we learned last night that if we screw it up we pay for it at night. So from now on we will be very careful about making sure he gets all his reflux meds!

One year ago today...

2009-04-25T03:02:00.000-07:00

I tested at 8am in the morning to only see one line. I cried, went for my beta and to my surprise it was POSITIVE.

I am overfilled with emotions about today, and I can't quite seem to put them into words. I am immensely grateful for everyday with my son, for his smiles and laughs. He is everything I dreamed and wished for, he is my miracle.

To my readers thank you for all your support. Thank you for lifting me up when I was down and for just being here, your support has gotten me through some rough times. For those still wishing hoping and praying for their miracle, please know I pray for you often that you find your way to Motherhood lane.

Really really bad night

2009-04-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

We put Riley down at 8pm and he was up FIVE times! That was the worst night sleep since he was 3 weeks old. He was up at 9pm, 11:30, 1:30 3:30 and 5am then got up for the day at 8. Oh and we followed the stupid lady from the Sleep Class advice all day yesterday. We will NOT be following her advice EVER again! I guess I am eating my words about the sleep class being worth it.

After last night I promise to be thankful for his once a night wakings even if they continue till he is a year old.

Sleep Class

2009-04-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

I went to a sleep class at a local shop that does all kinds of classes. It was a very good class and I really liked that she didn't endorse one method of sleep ideology over another instead she focused on steps to get your little one ready to sleep through the night. Things like making sure the environment was right, they are well fed during the day, they have the ability to but themselves back to sleep, are good nappers and have a good schedule too. Riley has the environment down pat, his room is dark, it is the right temp, it has a white noise machine which we now run when ever he is asleep. But he isn't a good napper and we lack a schedule. So right now I am working on those things. In order to do that she suggests staying at home for naps for 3 weeks. Which means I can only be gone for about 2 hours, that is barely enough time to run to the store for us some days! But I NEED more sleep and I agree with her that if he is getting the naps he needs he will sleep better at night. So tomorrow is our first day home following our new schedule. 3 weeks is a LONG time please pray I don't go crazy.

Parenting By Gut

2009-04-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

When a woman becomes pg these days she almost always picks up a copy of some parenting book along with her pg book, and if you are like me then you picked up 10 different parenting books everything from Dr. Sears to Baby Wise and from Ferber, to No cry sleep solution as well as everything in between. Everyone has their favorites, where I live Dr Sears and his attachment style parenting are VERY popular. I agree with LOTs of thing Dr. Sears says BUT I don't and won't co-sleep nor will I wear my baby while he naps. All the time people talk about parenting styles and I have a really hard time fitting myself into any one category.

We baby wear but we don't bed share and to be honest I am admittedly against bed sharing for my family. I believe babies have a schedule and that it is best to keep a child on a schedule but I think Baby Wise is dangerous and we feed on demand even when that is every hour. I really like Baby Whisperer, and her EASY pattern as well as her "start as you mean to go on" but I have been known to breastfeed to sleep frequently.

R and I just don't FIT into a style. And so I would like to create my own. It is called "Parenting by Gut". It recognizes what works for one family may feel very wrong for another and tells parents to listen to their gut. If the baby is fussing and you feel in your gut they will be back to sleep in a second then don't jump up to rescue them, but if you think this fuss is about to lead to a scream then by all means go get your kid if that is what you want to do. In PbG we try not to judge others for parenting choices, if CIO worked for a mom and her child and they are happy and thriving then that is fine. But that may not work for every family. Just because I baby wear doesn't mean you need to nor do I need to bed share because that is what works for your family.

The biggest rule in PbG is about giving advice, all advice must start with the saying "What worked for us was...." rather than "You should try....." The second rule I have already mentioned, it is not judging others for their choices. I am guilty of judging others a time or two but over all I really try hard not to. In PbG we do our best not to judge others even when their choices turn our tummy into knots. Example I find two piece bikini swimsuits highly inappropriate for infants but others use them because they are easy for diaper changes or for other reasons. And while I will never put my infant in a bikini I don't judge those who do. And rule number three, listen to your gut! If something doesn't feel like it is the right fit for your family then don't do it, it is that simple. I think the world would be so much better place if we all lost the titles of parenting and all just PbG.

No we won't CIO

2009-04-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

Riley is not sleeping well at nights, he seems to like getting us up twice a night. Even on nights he sleeps 6 hours for the first stretch he will be up 2 hours later. He doesn't NEED the food but he wants it for comfort sake. This last week as been particularly hard with his night terror, breastfeeding revolt and then shots, so we aren't ready to sleep train yet, but I am thinking if by May he isn't STTN regularly then we will be sleep training. However, we will not be CIO. And why is CIO the first thing everyone suggests to us when we mention the lack of sleep? For us CIO will be the last step, and one we will take only if we have to. WHY?

I have listened to babies CIO, sat at the door to thier bedroom and wailed myself with them. It was very hard to do even as a nanny and now as a mom I can't imagine how hard it would be.

Secondly, when you CIO you need to be 100% commited to it because noting is more confusing to a child than getting picked up sometimes for crying and not othertimes. We do not have this level of commitment, yet.

Third, and possibly the biggest reason CIO isn't for us. I read a article about what must go through an infants mind when it CIO for the first time. I got about three sentences in before I had to put the article down and go hug my son.

We are going to try some other things first, like a sound machine, and then letting R go in and comfort him with a paci and seeing if that puts Riley back to sleep before offering the breast. I am also hoping to get more tricks at a sleep class I am taking next week. Hopefully by May we won't need to sleep train but if we do then at least we will have an idea of the path that might work best for our family and our parenting style.

In the mean time if you happen to talk to us and we look sleep deprived please don't tell us we can always CIO. It isn't a path we are willing to take at the moment.

STTN!

2009-04-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

We did 8 hours last night WOOOO HOOOO!

And then today after getting our referral to the PT he grasped the hanger out of my hand brought it to mouth, switched hands and then after another minute switched back. He literally went from not having a skill to mastering it over night! THAT'S MY BOY! So now we have grasping/reaching and cross lateral movement under our belt! AWESOME

4 Month Check Up

2009-04-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

Today was Riley's well baby visit for his four month check up. It went well given the nursing strike that happened today but I have already spoken about that. He is growing well, and developing on track EXCEPT he isn't grasping yet or rolling over. I wasn't worried about the rolling over but the grasping concerned me. Dr Wonderful "played" with Riley trying to get him to grasp for the pen, the light and a few other things. It took him a considerable amount of time to even try and reach the object. He never got it on his own, but when given the object he brought both hands to mid line and put it right in his mouth. Exactly what he should be doing on his own. Dr Wonderful said we could do some PT if I wanted "yes please!" was my response. I think he is used to parents who when hearing their child is behind freak a little, but I know that the earlier a issue is caught the easier it is to fix. I think R was taken aback by Dr. Wonderful suggesting PT, the whole conversation he kept telling the Dr that he thought he was reaching/grasping a lot. We haven't talked about how he feels about Riley needing PT but I am sure it will drag up some emotions. The rolling over is no big deal he has a another 3 months to do that and I am not concerned. Riley is already scooting when on his back. So it isn't like he doesn't move, he just doesn't roll yet.

As for growth Riley is right on track he is 87% for weight, 54 for head and 48th for length. If you remember from my BIG u/s the tech commented on his "long legs" well today the nurse commented "he is all torso". Funny how things change.

We also talked about Riley's flat head. I am a BIG fan of the helmet. Our culture is too centered around looks and I think it is more harmful than good to let them simply grow out of the flatness. This only applies to kids who have a noticeable flatness AND as always is JMHO so please not rude comments from the peanut gallery.

We did skip vaccinations today. Dr. Wonderful said not to do them since the nursing thing could be him getting sick. It is weird how the planets keep aligning to keep us from getting them. I am starting to think the universe is trying to tell us something....

Let me leave you with a pic of Riley with Dr. Wonderful:

In honnor of TAX day

2009-04-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

In a kingdom far away lived a prince named RILEY. Everyone in the kingdom loves Prince Riley because he is even knelled and predicable as well as a happy go lucky kinda guy. Today however the kingdom was upset, it was tax day. In revolt people all over the kingdom threw tea bags in the ocean, but prince Riley was to little to throw tea bags or chant or participate in a protest, so instead he organized his own hunger strike. From 10:30 am on he refused to nurse from the breast, and refused the bottle. He would only drink water from a cup to insure he didn't get too dehydrated. His parents worried about his health, they spoke to the Dr who told them hopefully he would eat soon and that as long as he drank some water he wouldn't get too worried. Other people in the kingdom worried as well and begged Prince Riley to eat but he would not nurse. Finally at 5pm after a little nap Prince Riley decided that the nursing strike should be over and took a nice long boobie feeding.

Bad Night Good Day

2009-04-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

Bad Night:

Monday night Riley went to bed at 9pm his normal bedtime, we thought he was fine until 1am when he woke up crying to eat. This is becoming more regular, that he wants to eat around 1am instead of 3 or 4. I feed him and then back to bed he went. 45 minutes later, blood curdling screams come from his room. R rushes to calm him but after 10 minutes he is still screaming. He sounds pissed rather than hungry but I feed him anyway. He eats but the moment he pulls off is screaming again. We try to wake him but can't, we undress him, talk to him turn on the lights, but nothing works. We are both panicked there isn't much worse than a baby screaming (who doesn't normally scream) for no reason, I remind R that at least we know he is breathing. Of course then the little guy choses that moment t choke and not breathe.

He has now been screaming for 40 minutes and I am ready to call 911 but call my mom instead who heads on over. By the time she gets here we have Riley awake and semi calm, but he screams if you change his position or try to put him down. None of us can figure out what is wrong with him. I decide that if he won't sleep I will wear him while mom and I try to figure out what happened. He begins to fall asleep but then wakes up.

I soon realize he is having gas issues. We do a TON of Baby Yoga to get the air out, by now it is past 3 am so once Riley calms down I swaddle and feed him which promptly puts him to sleep.

Ahhhh sleep! Thank you!

Good Day:

Of course the day of our bad night we had big plans: the ZOO! Amber over at Kids for Kid, was picking us up for a fun day at the zoo for her multiples group. The zoo was crazy since it was spring break but we had a lot of fun any ways. It was really great hanging out with babies Riley's age. Amber's twins were born at 36 weeks too and are only two weeks younger than Riley making them developmentally in the same range. Riley loved to hang with his friends all day and I loved having someone who understood the demands of motherhood with a 4 month old. Amber and I found out we have a ton in common from our crazy sisters to our disabled moms to our educational backgrounds, her's is in education mine is in child development.

Here are Riley and I at the ZOO:

And our three boys hanging out

4 Months is the BEST age

2009-04-12T14:47:00.001-07:00

Today is Easter and since our household isn't religious we are having a nice low key Sunday.

I am told all the time that as a mom it is important to be "in the momment" and enjoy each phase of thier life rather than looking ahead. I don't feel I was able to do that Riley's first 6 weeks of life, it was all I could do just to get through each feeding. R and I lived those first weeks concentrating on making it to his next meal. It was that hard for us, and yet we loved it survived it and now here we are 4+ months old and able to live in the momment and enjoy it! Riley giggles, laughs, interacts and smiles with us all the time, his mood is easy going and he likes strangers but prefers us. We find ourselves wishing now that time wouldn't go faster but rather slow down. I told R this am as Riley was laughing at me for blowing him kisses that I wish I could freeze this age. That this is the best and it can't possibly get better than right now. He agreed. 4 months is the best age!

Riley's 4 Month Photos:

Do You Know What Today is?

2009-04-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

Riley's Conception Day!

One year ago today R and I made our way to our clinic for sample drop off and then the actual IUI. I was a ball of nerves and so was R that day. I am thankful each and every day since that that IUI worked and we have our little boy. Today was much more relaxed than it was a year ago, we did our normal Saturday thing, just spending time as a family of three!

Happy Easter Everyone

2009-04-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

Easter is this Sunday as you might have heard. Riley's first Easter would not be complete without a trip to our local mall for pictures with the Easter bunny. I normally think the Easter bunny is kinda creepy looking but I like the one at our mall, maybe because he isn't white?

Riley flat out refused to smile for the camera, stinker. I told the girls taking his picture it was fine, and that as long as he wasn't crying I was happy, and I am quite happy with the photo. Then as we left he let out a big grin and giggle. I told you he was a little stinker!

hit the brakes slame on the gas

2009-04-09T10:22:00.000-07:00

We are still looking at houses, but trying to get approved first. We are quickly learning that buying a house is much like learning to drive a stick shift: a jerky and bumpy ride. About the time we think it is time to hit the breaks someone yells to gas it. If buying a home were a ride at disn.eyla.nd we would have whiplash.

It is a privilage

2009-04-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

the lack of sleep, the sore nipples, the headache from you crying, the bruise from where I tripped carrying the stroller upstairs, the unshaven legs because it is not the priority it used to be, the suffering friendships, the mommy brain... it is all a privilege, all of it.

Thank you Riley for choosing me to be your mommy.

Happy 4 Months Riley

2009-04-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Riley,

Today you are four months old and sadly it is raining. I had planned a wonderful day out and about in our favorite town. A day of baby yoga then shopping, lunch with a friend and then time at the park but after baby yoga you and I were both tiered and it was raining so we headed home. Bummer.

This has been a wonderful month. In it you learned to STTN! However, you have yet to repeat the performance. You giggle like crazy and smile at everyone now. If you are in my or daddy's arms there isn't a person you won't smile at. I love this! This may be my favorite month yet! You are actually enjoying tummy time now. HURRAY! This means you get a little more of it these days but it means I am getting less done. Not sure how that works. You still wake up fairly happy in the mornings and from naps, unless you are in the car seat. If you wake up in the car seat you tend to scream.

You are showing some major preference for me and daddy, even with Grandma Dallas who still loves to come over and hang all the time. But if you are in a happy mood and I am near, you are normally content in her arms. Grandma isn't all that happy about your preferences but I love it. I feel like you finally realize I am more than just a food source.

Speaking of food source, please stop biting my nipples when you nurse. It is no fun for either of us. I wince in pain and pull you off and then you cry because I firmly tell you "NO, don't bite". You already hate the word no and we just started using it with you and only in reference to biting.

You love to be around other babies and kids right now. I have begun taking you to the mall, park or any where there are kids so that you can watch them run around. You will kick and swing your arms with excitement while you watch them play. Daddy says this if you could you would join in the fun.

I love you more and more each day my son. My heart seems to fill to the brim and then grow in order to not explode with my affection of you. I can't imaging anything better that being you mommy.

I love you.

Your Mommy,
Ariel

Books Books and more Books

2009-04-06T16:10:00.001-07:00

R and I love to read so it makes sense for us to get Riley a lot of books and every time we go to the book store I get him two. I have also been collecting board books for a few years. As a nanny people often let me have their gently used items including books. I have stored two boxes worth of books in my mom's attic all these years just waiting to read them to a child of my own. AND NOW I CAN!

I went up into the attic and brought down one box full of books. We got it back to our place and Oh my lord, there are more books than his book case will hold! So this week we need to get another bracket so that the shelves don't snap in half!

The best part is.... there is another box full of books that still need to come down!

With all these new books Riley and I already have our favorites:
Anything by Sandra Boynton
ABC I love You by Hallinan
I Love You Through and Through by Rossetti-Shutak

We also love:
The Family Book By Parr or really anything by Todd Parr!
I wish I were a Pilot By Stella Blackstone and Max Grover

Because they are ethnically diverse. And it is so hard sometimes to find good childern's books which display ethnic diversity without calling attention to it in their themes.

My NEW Ride!

2009-04-04T15:42:00.000-07:00

I got my new stroller today!

Before I got pregnant I had really wanted a buga.boo, but to get all the little extras I wanted would have been almost 1,000 dollars. R put his foot down and said I didn't need a buga.boo, and he was right I didn't need it but boy did I want it. After I came to terms with not getting a buga.boo, I did a TON of research because a few of the features I love on the bugaboo come on other strollers too. I found one that got mostly good reviews and was in our price range.

Meet the BUMBLER.IDE FLYER: Riley and my new wheels!

Here it is on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6OkAS6cpDQ&feature=related

I had been worried about buying it since you can't find it in any store and thus it needs to be ordered online. But I shouldn't have. I actually love it more than the buga.boo!

Here is Why I love it:

- You flip the handle bar rather than the seat, which allows you to face the baby or have the baby face out, without moving the baby!
- It weighs only 19 pounds and is very sturdy. Good news for my back.
- I handles quite smoothly and turns on a dime!
- Easy to fold and open, plus folds in one piece unlike a buga.boo.
- Allows Riley to lay flat if he falls asleep in it.
- Cute and Stylish plus not everyone else doesn't have it. Yep I am a little bit of an elitist.

I would highly recommend this stroller to just about anyone. I will admit the BOB is a better jogging stroller, but I DO NOT jog, or run. A brisk walk is about as fast as I go and a lazy walk is what I prefer.

Where did the time go?

2009-04-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

We are reaching that point in the year where everything changes, yes it is now spring and with it the world seems to rejoice and be reborn, but this time of year is also special for me because we are fast approaching two days I will never forget. The days are those of my IUI and that of my first beta. I can't belive it has almost been a year. Where did the time go?

Mommy's Day

2009-03-28T19:00:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this AM Riley and R informed me that today was Mommy's Day. I told them that it wasn't till May but then they informed me that this was Mommy's day not Mother's day. No difference except I didn't get a card or flowers and no one but us was celebrating it today.

First R let me sleep in while he took care of Riley. Riley has regressed and won't take a bottle so I had to feed him but I was able to go back to sleep. I ended up sleeping till 9am when I smelled the food. R had made me breakfast and was going to bring it to me in bed! We had pancakes which were YUMMY! We have pancakes almost every Saturday morning, it is kinda our thing.

Then after feeding and getting dressed we went to our local outside mall for lunch. Riley feel asleep in the car, I love when that happens! and when we got there we scored an awesome parking spot right across from where I wanted to eat! That made me REALLY happy. Lunch was great and Riley slept through it so it was almost like having a DATE! I cherish his long naps, especially when they are during meal time. There is nothing like adult conversation during a meal to keep a marriage alive, don't get me wrong the other kind of adult time is great but conversation is what makes a marriage alive.

After that we walked around for a long time, about 5 hours, some of it in the sling, some of it in the stroller. We didn't buy much, a new hat for Riley because the sun was in his eyes a lot as we walked, and then some frozen yogurt for the adults. It was a great day! I can't wait for the next one!

How do you find the house of new parents?

2009-03-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

You look for the house with its keys left in the door overnight.
You look for the house with all the front windows open (done the same night as the keys left in the door).
Follow a couple home who both have dark circles under their eyes, but the baby is well rested.
Follow a man with spit up on ALL of his work shirts.
Look for the house getting lots of orders from diapers.com.
Follow the woman home from the grocery store who sways in line but has no child in her arms.
Bring up poop and if the person isn't disgusted and can talk about it for more than 5 minutes you have found a new parent.

My Wish For Him

2009-03-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

I have always been the king of person who wishes on stars, takes forever blowing out the candles on her birthday cake because I am searching for just the right wish for the next year, and closes her eyes when the clock shows the same number all in a row like 11:11 so I can make a wishes till the minute runs out. In the last three days Riley has lost three eyelashes, and I found the perfect wish for him:

May your life be long, healthy and full of happiness.

Guess how big Riley is!

2009-03-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

15 pounds 10.8 oz

We went to the Dr yesterday because he was pulling on his ear and had a very slight fever 99.3. My mom and I both thought it was an ear infection but thankfully it was not. When they weighed him I nearly fainted. No wonder my back and arms get tired from holding him all the time. He is a moose! Dr Wonderful isn't worried though, he says he is well with in normal range for his age.

A Day with Baby

2009-03-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

I get asked all the time: "what do you do all day?". I am sure they imagine me sitting on the couch eating bon-bons while watching soaps or something, but truth be told being a stay at home mom is keeping me quite busy. Here is an "average" day for us.

7:30 Riley wakes up, I get him changed and then get him feed
8:00 Mommies turn to get dressed and then eat. Riley lays in his boppy and does tummy time while I get dressed and then into his bouncer in the kitchen while I eat.
8:25 Get online to check mail, update blog, or visit the nest. Talk to Riley about what ever I am doing. He smiles and love to hear about other babies, loves pictures of his "friends" even more.
8:45 BABY YOGA! Riley loves this and it really helps his digestion.
9:00 Another change this one is poopy thank you baby yoga, feed and the swaddle so Riley can take a nap.
10 awake, diaper change, outfit change
10:20 Feeding again, then when burping Riley spits up meal and now we both need new outfits.
10:40 Get ready to take a walk to store: make list, pack bag, get stroller and put my shoes on.
11 Finally leave house! Walk to store (about 4-5 blocks) go shopping, talk to Riley about prices and what we will be having for dinner.
11:30 Leave store and Riley falls asleep on the first block home. Ya!
11:45 Get home, bring Riley upstairs to nap in room, and then unpack bags.
11:55 Riley is still asleep now I get some "me time" also known as taking a nap, blogging, talking on phone, a little TV or what ever else will keep me sane and happy.
12:45 Time to get some things done around the house: feed cats, laundry, put away some toys, then eat.
1p Riley woke up! Can you guess what we do next?.... yup! Change diaper and feed him, plus reflux meds.
1:20 Riley in swing while I; unload dishwasher from am, wipe up kitchen, take out trash, clean cat litter and refill boxes
2 Riley has floor time on my lap while I fold laundry, and then has more floor time while I put it away, including some more tummy time.
2:30 Snuggle time, we sing songs and he sits on my lap, we just enjoy 'playing' together without any toys.
2:45 diaper change, feed, swaddle
3 asleep for another nap (we hope, this one sometimes doesn't happen)I clean a little more and then turn on the TV
345 wake up :( but grandma comes over with cousins :)
400 They leave we play peak a boo and patty cake as well as other games then put away more laundry.
4:45 Rubbing eyes so we change diaper and try to go to sleep.... no luck and he fusses in my arms till...
5:25 Daddy walks in the house, I hand of Riley for a much needed 5 minute break
5:30 Try feeding to sleep again. Success! He is asleep.
6: Success is short lived Riley is up again. :( Daddy takes Riley for a while. He cares for him while we chat
6:45 More fussing, feed for just two minutes and he is asleep! But will he stay down?...... yes! We relax and have dinner.
7:25 He wakes up. This time daddy gets to do the diaper change and play with him for a while!
7:40 Break out the boobie it is feeding time again. Then back to Daddy for awhile.
8:30 Feed and then bath
9:10 Bed time! Feed to sleep and put down in clean diaper and with sleeper on and swaddled.

So next time you feel the need to ask me or any stay-at-home mom what they do all day please don't we are to busy to replay our very busy days for you.

Taxes

2009-03-22T12:36:00.001-07:00

We are doing our taxes today while my mom takes Riley for some grandma time. I hate doing our taxes but the good news is that we are getting money back from the state and feds. We live in CA and I told R that maybe we should just give our state refund back, after all CA is in a huge financial mess at the moment. R laughed when I said that, he doesn't really believe in government while I am a true democrat leaning toward socialist.

The weird part for us about taxes is doing the medical part. We spent a lot of money on medical this year: infertility treatment, couples communication course/therapy, acupuncture, medications, trying to get Riley to turn via chiropractic care, and then of course his birth. It all adds up to more than I care to admit and yet we are so lucky because in truth it really isn't all that much money. Yes it is above 7% of our income but it is still below 14% of it. It could have been so much worse, if we hadn't gotten pg that first cycle of IUI and I am not sure we could have afforded much more in treatment costs. Thank God for that first cycle working, thank you God for my son, I love him more than I ever knew I could love a person.

My wish list

2009-03-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

R asked me the other day what was left on my wish list big and small for being a mom, and as the devilish grin spread across my face he then added "WITH IN REASON". With him in mind I am creating this list of thing I would love to have for Riley.

First on the list:
A House! This would fall under not reasonable at the moment, although (shhh don't tell) it might actually happen this year! Here is a house I really love in our area:

The only other big item on my list is a new stroller. I still love the bugaboo but both of us aren't willing to spend 900 on a stroller, thus the Bumbleride Flyer will be my new wheels when it is time to upgrade.

And then there are the books I want. I love Todd Parr books we have the It's Okay book but I really want the Family book and Daddy Book, both break gender stereo types and the family book includes same sex couples. I also want And Tango makes Three. It is a cute little book about two male penguins who "adopt" a baby penguin and it is based off a true story. I am also on the look out for more books focused on Daddies like Papa Please Bring Me the Moon, and Daddy Hugs.

Also to make our days go a little faster I would love the Baby Yoga videos, not for Riley to watch but for us to follow along with when we do baby yoga.

Lastly some Raffi music would be great. I grew up on the stuff and look forward to singing songs like Baby Beluga with him when he gets older.

Twins

2009-03-20T16:15:00.000-07:00

No I am not pg again! But while pg with Riley I did dream a lot of twins as you may recal. My twins were always girls in my dreams and post pg they have continued.

As a teen and young adult I was a nanny for many sets of twins so caring for them isn't anything new to me. Many mom's have commented to me that I would do well with twins of my own, and I must admit to being a little disappointed when Riley was a singleton but I also knew R only wants one at a time.

When we spent time with Amber and her boys early this week, R took care of Riley and I helped her with her boys. They are great boys by the way and she is an amazing twin mom. I often have said that God picks out twin mom's by hand because not everyone can be on, I still believe this (although I am questioning his judgment of Octomom), Amber is good proof of this theory as well.

After spending time with her though it has me questioning if twins should be in our future. Of course if we were blessed with them I would be thrilled but I think I may not daydreaming about them any time soon. The ligistics of taking care of two just hit me really hard. Two babies to breastfeed when feeding just one has been very hard. How do you hold and calm two babies? Keeping pacies in their mouths when they are screaming. Not to mention double the laundry, and diapers that I do now. Yes twin mommies are living angels, and I don't think I am cut out for that job.

Vacation Recap

2009-03-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

R being off was wonderful! We had such a good time and he got to spend lots of time learning what Riley is like during the day. It was very nice spending this time as a family. R also used this time to give me a break and I slept in almost every morning.

Sunday my day with the girls went very well. I had a blast having lunch with some great friends and babies. Then that night Shan and Holly watched Riley for me and R. We just did dinner out and Riley did great, took a bottle for them like a champ. And of course they were great with him too. He only fussed when he was hungry and needed to be changed because of a poop.

Monday we headed up to wine country, and had a great time. At lunch we had awful service, and I mean down right BAD service at a place we have ate at many times before. We won't be going back there. Despite that we had a great trip and Riley did just fine with all the driving. It makes me feel better having done this because this summer we might be heading to LA which is a long drive for a little guy like him. My favorite part of the day was the olive oil tasting and buying Riley some new books at a book store.

Tuesday we had brunch with some of R's exstended family. Pop's brother, sister in law and mother meet Riley for the first time. It was nice to see them. Riley was a doll the whole meal which was nice. It was particularly nice because Pop isn'r great about showing emotion and Cory (his SIL) spilled the beans that he just lights up when he talks about Riley. It was nice to hear that, because we knew he loves Riley but sometimes it is nice to have proof. Then we met a good friend Amber and her boys for the first time. Amber and I had been chating on line and reading each other's blogs for a while. We also both had our boys in December at 36 weeks so we have a lot in common. I look forward to us hanging out more in the future because Riley is going to need some friends his age and I can always use more friends too!

Wednesday R and I spent the day hanging out with Riley. He slept through lunch which gave us a 2nd date for the week. We talked politics and education, two hot topics we highly disagree on, and had some great heated banter. Then we walked around town until all three of us needed a nap. It was a great day, and the perfect end to a wonderful five days off for R.

STTN Again! And our SIp and See @ R's work

2009-03-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

Not last night but Wednesday night he slept 9.5 hours. Yes you read that right NINE and a HALF hours. I must have woke up 5 times thinking "OMG is he awake and I just didn't hear him?" only to find out Nope! He is still sleeping. R and I took the time to have some adult time.... lots of adult time. We both feel better and I think it is safe to say my sex drive is back in a BIG way.

Of course then yesterday was awful. They are doing foundation work on our building and it was very noisy, meaning Riley doesn't nap well. We had a "sip and see" at R's work that afternoon and he napped on the way there, then again before dinner then on the way home that night. We got home at 8pm and he woke up as soon as the car stopped. We tried to get him back down after nursing but to no avail and it was 11pm before he was asleep again. Needless to say that was HARD.

The sip and see was really nice. His co-workers gave us some very nice things and they ooohhhed and awed over Riley the whole time. Riley was a very good boy for everyone but they overstimulated him and I paied for it, with sleep. I am sure tonight will go better, we are already doing better about naps today.

Most wonderful sound in the World

2009-03-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

What is the best way to be woken up in the morning? I used to think it was with a back rub but this weekend when R let me sleep in I learned the best thing to wake up to is the sound of your little guy laughing with his daddy. I think it might have even topped the sound of hearing his heartbeat for the first time. Riley was just laughing up a storm in the way only R can make him laugh. In that moment I realized how trivial my c-section and IF journey is in the large picture and remembered why I went through it in order to get here. It is a big stepping stone for me, my emotional wounds healed a little quicker today because of it.

STTN!

2009-03-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

Oh my lord I didn't think last night when we put him down at 8:30 he would sleep that long but he did! He slept through the night till 5 am. That is 8.5 hours of sleep in a row! Amazing for my little guy. Before this his longest stretch had been 7 hours and 15 minutes, and while our pedi and many others will call anything over 5 hours STTN, I am a believer that STTN = at least 8 hours in a row. I am so happy this day has come, and to make it even better R let me go back to sleep when they got up for the day at 7:30, making me a well rested woman. Of course I am fully aware that just because he STTN tonight doesn't mean he will do it again tonight, but it is nice to know he CAN do it. I am so proud of my little guy!

Vacation!

2009-03-14T18:28:00.000-07:00

The economy sucks right now, we all know that. After two cycles of lay offs R's work decided to do manitory 5 days vacation time in lue of even more layoff. My reaction WOOO HOOOOO! When ever R takes vacation work always calls him but this weekend his cell phone is OFF and will be off till Thursday morning when he goes back in.

Given that his paternity leave got cut short by two weeks and that he worked from home 15 hours the week after I gave birth, this vacation is a much needed one. Our plans are mostly to relax and just hang out. Today though we cleaned the house, and I mean CLEANED. We still have a lot to do but the house is starting to look like less of a disaster zone.

Here are our plans for the rest of his time off: Tomorrow, R is hanging out with the guy and I am going into the city with friends, then we are having a date night will Shan and Holly watch Riley. It will be his first adventure with "baby sitters" that aren't family. Holly and Shan are over qualified for the job. They both work in Child Care centers, have been infant toddler lead teachers and Shan has her degree in Child Development and Holly is working on hers. Hell they are more qualified than ME to watch him!

Monday we are headed up to wine country for some tasting, yummy! And some really great fudge at my favorite fudge shop. We will have a picnic lunch and then indulge in something fancy for dinner after a day of shopping and exploring the area.

Tuesday we hare having brunch with family who has never met Riley and Poppop. Then going to meet a blogger friend and her twin boys for the first time. I am really looking forward to seeing her and the boys since they are just a week or two older than Riley.

His last day of vacation, Wednesday is still free and I think we may spend the day at home just being a family of three and enjoying it. I might try to get R to do some family pictures but I have a feeling he won't go for it.

I have been waiting for this week since it was planned two months ago. Bring on the FUN!

Our Girls

2009-03-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

Before Riley was born we worried and talked a lot about our two cats and the impact of this lifestyle change on them. Gemma has a tendency to pee on the carpet when pissed at us, which happens any time we are gone overnight, forget to do the cat litter for a few days, and an array of other things that bug her. Bella has never been fond of children, she runs and hides from them. This worried us because she is my baby and a very needy baby at that. While we have had our ups and downs with them for the most part things are going well.

One night Bella did try to sleep on Riley's feet/legs which gave me a mild heart attack and caused some sleepless nights for a while as well as her being banished from our room. But I learned to trust her again and she quickly learned the bassinet was not for her.

Gemma on the other hand is his watch dog. When we first got him home any time he cried she ran to see what the issue was. Then she would stare at me as if to ask "why the hell aren't you fixing it mom?" She still does this but has learned that R and I are quite on top of it most of the time. The other night Riley was screaming because bath time was over and he was getting changed and his meds. R was taking care of it and I was doing something else. She came up to be and head butted my legs. I think she wanted me to go help him. She is defiantly going to be his protector as he gets bigger.

Anytime Riley is getting fed Bella tries to climb onto the boppy with him to snuggle with us. It is cute but also rather annoying at his 4 am feeding.

Both girls love everything baby related, the boppy is both of their favorites, with the bouncy seat a close second. We have had to put tin foil in the crib and on the changing table when not in use to keep them off of both. They also like to sleep on the glidder but at this point I could care less. He doesn't sit in it only I do and it seems petty to try and keep them out of it.

We won't be getting rid of our girls any time soon. They are truely a part of the family and we have struck a nice balance with them now.

Bella wanted her photo taken too!

Gemma getting some tummy time on the play mat:

Gemma napping with Riley:

My three babies laying together:

A complement can go a long way

2009-03-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

So often people comment that R is a good father, and I must completely agree he is an amazing dad. He really does co-parent with me and I really appreciate that. It is rare though for people to comment on me as a mother, yes I know I am a good mom to Riley but that doesn't mean it isn't nice to hear it sometimes. I find in our society we are all to quick to praise fathers and don't praise mothers nearly as much. We also hold moms to a higher standard than fathers but that isn't the point here.

Yesterday my mother in law called, I try to call her once a week to check in and tell her the newest things going on in Riley's life but I had missed a week so she called us. After telling her about Riley finding his hands and about our most recent trip to do baby yoga, she told me that she thinks R and I are doing a wonderful job raising Riley. That she knows the reason R is so good with Riley is because he has me to watch and copy and that I am a wonderful mother. She also appreciates all I do to keep her as involved as she can be with Riley's life.

This means so much to me, we haven't always had the best relationship but I do try very hard to keep her in the loop with everything Riley is doing and what is going on in our lives. It is nice to know my efforts are both recognized and appreciated. I work really hard at trying to be a good mom to Riley so it is nice to know my efforts are paying off and that others think I am doing a good job.

Exstended Breastfeeding

2009-03-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

This weekend's topic of conversation seemed to be my boobs. Part of that is because last week I had some supply issues causing us to even question if I could continue to breastfeed. Thankfully due to a hospital grade pump and beer plus a three day ban on anything other than my nipples in Riley's mouth my supply is back up and we are able to continue breastfeeding.

But it was also the topic of conversation because R and I are talking about exstened breastfeeding. We always knew I would breastfeed exclusively (if able) to 6 months then till a year maybe even 18 months and as hard as breastfeeding has been, I love it. The bond is amazing, Riley smiles every time he wakes up as if to say "Hello food!" I can't go around the house topless because Riley immediately begins to cry in the hopes of being feed. He loves it and so do I.

To be clear I would never force him to continue to breastfeed beyond a year, but given our vaccination schedule R and I think exstended breastfeeding could be really good for our family.

But there are also many reasons it might not be such a great idea. There is a huge social stigma around breastfeeding beyond 18 months. In fact in just telling two of my best friends that we were considering breastfeeding till age two, one of them freaked a little on me. (Don't judge or bad mouth her though she does read this blog!) R's family is one more reason. His dad thus far has flat out refused to be in the room with me while I breastfeed, even when I use a cover. And then there is the issue that neither R nor I know anyone who has done this before and we are not the trend setting kind of people. We like to know about the bumps in the road and how to handle them.

We have time to decide if this is really something we want to do but if it is something we are going to do then I would like to stop calling it boobie feeding with Riley and start deciding on a different name. This way when he is two and wants the breast in the middle of the store I am not mortified and passed judgment apon when he screams "boobie" with tears coming down his face.

Any of you readers breastfeed beyond 18 months? If so email me at ariel@nullfactor.net

Dear Riley,

2009-03-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Riley,

Today you are three months old, and what a joyful time the last three months have been. You have grown so much in that time and so have I. In your eyes I have found the strength to get up in the middle of the night despite being dog tiered. Found reasons to smile when I wanted to cry and learned that happiness can be always found in your smile.

Your favorite things to do these last three months are to sleep, in my arms or Daddy's even grandma's will do when you don't feel well. You love baby yoga which I am thankful for because it helps you poop and get the gas out. You also love music time although the class seems to put you to sleep you love to be sang to in the mornings, especially "it's bitsy spider" or anything with hand movements. You also love to be told stories something Daddy is very good at, with mommy your prefer books with pictures. Our favorite ones are Silly Sally, Moo BAA La La La and Mommy Loves. You also love bath time, and I am so excited that when it gets warmer we can all go swimming.

Your favorite time of day is when Daddy gets home, when you see him you often giggle and always smile at him, and he always returns the favor telling you how much he missed us during his day at work.

We have also had our ups and downs, with Daddy only getting a week off after your birth rather than three, and breastfeeding having lots of downs that neither of us expected. But we get through each day thankful for each other, Daddy and I happy to have you here with us. Thankful for your smiles.

Your personality has grown so much and while you are stubborn like me you have a happy demeanor, most of the time. But beware if you don't get what you want you let it be known, most of the time though I have at least three minutes before breakdown occurs. People stop me on the street to tell me how lucky I am to have such a good baby, and it is true: you and I are great travelers together.

I don't always get all the signs right. I commonly mistake your tired cry for a feeding cry and have been known to overstimulate you some times. I always pay for it when it happens but a tight swaddle and bouncing motion with shushing and giving you a paci does the trick to get you to either calm down or sleep.

You have taught your daddy and I so much:
that we are a strong team
that there is a reason sleep deprivation is an effective tourcher technique
that we could love someone more than we love each other
that our relationship could get stronger each day

Mommy's favorite time of day is in the evening when we do bath and our bedtime routine.

Your bed time routine looks something like this:
nurse,
play with daddy,
bath,
dressed for bed and meds
books (as long as you aren't screaming for the boobie)
then swaddled and boobie feeding

I will leave you with our favorite song to sing. I call it the "I love Riley" song, and in it I list every little thing I love about you.
I love you Riley.
I love your double chin,
I love your chubby checks,
I love your strong arms.
I love you Riley.

I love your pouting lips,
I love your blue eyes,
I love your currlie ear,
I love you Riley.

I love your knobie knees,
I love your tiny toes,
I love your redish hair,
I love you Riley!

Your Mommy,
Ariel

Breastfeeding Oh breastfeeding

2009-02-27T18:33:00.000-08:00

Motherhood at times has been very surprising, but what has shocked me most has been how breastfeeding has turned out. I read the Le Leatche League's breastfeeding book: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and the book leads one to think breastfeeding will help save the world. And many of the first days of breastfeeding I felt this way. I was in the honeymoon phase of breastfeeding and loving it. I would tell anyone who would listen how everyone who can breastfeed should because it is just lovely.

Then I got Mastitis, then Riley got reflux and my supply dropped. Breastfeeding was no longer the lovely bonding time it once was and a bunch of times I almost gave it up. Things are once again going well, however the honeymoon phase has not reappeared. I love breastfeeding but not with the same enthusiasm that I once had. I am however so glad I stuck with it. Every week I breastfeed is money in the bank, it helps build his immune system and lowers my risk of breast cancer as well as much more.

Plus I now have some great breastfeeding stories to tell:

When R and I got home with Riley it took his dad a week to come visit, and when they finally decided to drop by I was breastfeeding. At this point breastfeeding while going very well I was still getting used to using the cover but I had it beside me for when they came over. However R and I soon found out I didn't need it, because his father and current wife both refuse to be in the same room as me while I feed Riley! Yep even with a cover the idea of breastfeeding weirds them out so much they can't be in the same room as me! R and I laugh that Riley will be over a year old before they spend any quality time with him, sadly it might actually be true.

Story number 2:
I was breastfeeding in front of my sister's kids, they are 2 and 4 years old and neither was breast feed so the concept is new to them. When I told them there was milk in my breasts in response to them asking me what I was doing they didn't believe me. So I showed them. Now my let down is fast so when I hand express mild literally SHOOTs out, some times a good three feet or so. The look on their little faces when the milk came out in their directions was priceless! And then after the shock wore off... "Can we try?"

Story number 3:

Riley loves to grunt and groan while on the breast and it makes both R and I laugh. We have taken to telling him "talk dirty to it" and "Oh Lefty like it when you talk like that". Yep we sexualize breastfeeding! Riley is going to need lots of therapy when he gets older.

Story number 4 is and oldie and a goody.

It is X-mas eve and we are spending a short period of time with R's family. I have organized our feeds so that Riley won't need to eat there but still breastfeeding comes up. When one of his male 20 something cousins finds out I plan on breastfeeding for a year he is a little weirded out. My response "Your just jealous Riley gets to mac on my porn star boobs." The look on his face and the shade of red it turned was hilarious, maybe you had to be there to find it as funny as we do, but thinking of that night still makes us laugh out loud.

He found his thumb

2009-02-26T13:55:00.000-08:00

Riley has been working at finding his thumb for a week or so now. He can suck on his fist but hadn't figured out how to get just his thumb in him mouth. Well now he has figured it out. It has only happened a few times and most of the time he just sucks on his fist but he is getting there.

I was a thumb sucker and the one thing I have vowed not to let Riley be is a thumb sucker. Babies have an innate need to suck and thus I am fine giving him a paci because those can be taken away but a thumb is harder to take away. Believe me I know!

Hopefully we can keep him from becoming a thumb sucker but it is a lot harder than it sounds and at the moment he is testing both R and my will power. Every time he gets his thumb or fist we try to replace it with the paci, sometimes this works other times he screams in protest. We will however continue to take his thumb away, until either he doesn't want it anymore or my will power fades. The memories of me fighting with my parents over my own habit is a strong motivation as is the 3,000 dollars worth of orthodonic work I required once I stopped.

Who wants some cuteness?

2009-02-26T13:07:00.001-08:00

This is baby yoga the home version. He loves it and it really does help him poop, yep it is official I am a mom now and blogging about poop.

Tummy time at our house used to mean a lot of crying, but not anymore. Riley now will hang in there for up to 15 minutes with the help of a mirror.

I would share some pics of me and him but the recent ones all involve breastfeeding or I have recently been breastfeeding and thus am wearing only a bra on top. R seems to only pic up the camera when I don't have a top on. They are great photos don't get me wrong but not the kind you share on an open blog.

Motherhood is hard work: a response to a comment on my blog

2009-02-25T13:31:00.001-08:00

When I was pg I always felt weird complaining about morning sickness because for a long time I said I would do anything to be pg and have morning sickness. But quickly I realized that complaining about morning sickness didn't make me any less grateful to be pg, it just made me honest that morning sickness is no fun and quite frankly SUCKS.

Now as a mom I have learned that just because I longed and wanted to be a mother doesn't mean sleepless nights are fun, nor does it make poopy diapers less stinky, but according to one of my readers it should. I guess only fertiles are allowed to complain about sleepless nights, reflux, sore nipples from breastfeeding and all the other wonderful ailments of motherhood.

Don't get me wrong motherhood is wonderful. Not a day goes by that I am not fully in love with my son, completely grateful he is here and healthy, and enamored by every little thing he does. However motherhood is just as much work as I thought it would be. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. There is little praise when for the good things you do, there is lots of guilt when things go wrong, and it is alienating at times, it doesn't pay except for smiles and baby kisses. It at times exposes you to toxic levels of poop and bodily functions ;) and your work day is 24-7-365 for 18+ years. It is a job I love but that doesn't mean it isn't hard.

Still Not STTN but I Can't Complain Much

2009-02-24T10:39:00.001-08:00

As much complaining as I do about the lack of sleep I must admit R and I are very lucky. Riley has never been one of those babies that cries at night. Yes he cries to wake us up when he wants to be feed, but he doesn't continue to cry once picked up. He knows his needs are going to be meet and is as patient as a newborn can be.

When we made the transition to his crib during the night it was me not him who had the most issues. I was the one up every hour sometimes three or four times an hour to make sure he was still breathing. Quickly I learned I could also send R in a few times a night to check as well, although the first few times I made him do it he rolled his eyes at me.

After weeks of his night and days mixed up and us holding him while he was up we realized that a) the car would put him to sleep and then b) that we could actually lay him down in his crib and he could put himself to bed. The night we discovered this might have been even better than the night he slept 5 hours for the first time because it meant that R and I could go lay down even if he was slightly awake still. The biggest miracle of him putting himself to sleep is that he doesn't cry! Yes Riley can put himself back to sleep at night without crying! This is not something I expected him to be able to do, I had fears of him being 9 months old and still needing to rock him to sleep because I quite frankly refuse to ferberize my own child. Ferberizing as a nanny was hard enough, I knew I couldn't do it as a mother.

Now Riley has added one more trick to his sleep habits and it is one that I am very grateful for. He can now put himself to sleep for his naps too! He has done it twice today so far and did it twice last week too. Of course sometimes he won't and when he cries I am always there in seconds, as fast as my feet will carry me, to calm him down and help him get himself to sleep.

So while Riley isn't STTN yet in the sense that he goes 8-12 hours at night, I am sure we are on our way to that. I don't have any grand expectations that it will be any time soon, but one day I hope to enjoy my sleep again.

Test results are back!

2009-02-19T15:47:00.000-08:00

Riley is going to be fine! Our test results came back and he is going to be just fine. They want to keep an eye on the jaundice but for now we are avoiding surgery and liver failure! Wooo hoooo!

It is raining

2009-02-19T08:29:00.000-08:00

Its raining, metaphorically speaking, at my house right now. Riley has caught my cold and while he is still fairly smilie, he is fussy if not the center of attention at every moment. He hates the bulb syringe which we use to suck out buggers and hates the buggers even more. He can't breath well, he is coughing, and while he can't say it I am sure he is miserable and thinking what the hell is going on?

The other piece of news is that his jaundice is worse not better. Actually the breastfeeding jaundice is better but the bad jaundice is up. So yesterday we ran him for his first set of STAT labs, a liver enzyme panel and a few other tests. When I saw the print out my first thought was "holy hell, will he even have enough blood for all those tests?" but it was only two vials. He did an excellent job at the blood draw. R held his legs, and a nurse helped hold his arm while the flabotomist stuck him. He only let out a couple of little whimpers and actually smiled at the nurse a few times. You might be wondering where I was during all of this? I was sitting in the chair on the other side of the room trying not to cry. My fear of needles is no better when the needle is for my son than it is if the needle is for me. Long ago R and I decided that he would try to always be there for any procedure that involved a needle. We don't need our kids picking up on my anxiety and developing their own fears.

Now we are just waiting for the tests to come back. Dr. Wonderful told me worst case is that his liver bile ducts are clogged and he will need surgery to open them. If he doesn't get the surgery we are looking at liver failure. I would really like to avoid both the surgery and liver failure, so send us your good thoughts, your prayers, or what have you. Heck I'll even sacrifice a moose like Trish does fr Robbie if it will help.

My Husband

2009-02-18T10:23:00.000-08:00

R is an amazing partner and husband to me. He is kind, considerate and always striving to give me the world. With Riley's birth a lot of things in our relationship have changed, but he continues to try and be there as best he can.

When R first went back to work he would get up with me for 2 feedings and skip the third. It allowed me to get some extra sleep because all I had to do was nurse and put back to sleep. Then we had a few days where he was up every two hours at night and he picked up the slack even more by getting up with me each feeding. Now that we are back to somewhat regular sleep patterns: normally 5 hours followed by two three hour sets before waking for the day, he has continued to get up each feed. Only now not only does he do the diaper change but for one of the feeds he puts him down too. It gives me about 20 extra minutes a night, and is a nice break for me. I am sure MANY people would find our division of labor unfair, given that he works and I don't but R says he likes putting Riley to sleep because he is so peaceful.

The other thing R does for me that I feel is above and beyond is rubbing my legs and feet while I nurse. When Riley was bucking at the breast we started doing this because when I was less stressed the feeds would go better. R has continued to massage me even though now it isn't needed, and I love the perk. It benefits Riley because he feeds better and R and I get some much needed physical contact.

On Valentines day he put his heart out there and told me how much he loves our son. It was the best gift any mom could ask for, to have her husband speak honestly and openly about how much he loves her and their child.

However sometimes he falls a little short.

Since Riley was born I have been with him just about every second of everyday. In fact the longest stretch he has been away from me is 2 hours, and that was WEEKS ago. Part of the issue is that R sucks at giving a bottle and swaddling, two things you must be able to do to keep Riley happy for more than an hour. In the mean time R has continued to go "gaming" (it is his hobby) with his friends every other weekend. I try not to begrudge him for this, after all my friends are all great about incorporating a baby into our plans, his simply aren't. So if he wants to see his friends he has to leave me and the baby at home. Most weekends I don't really mind, but last weekend he went to a convention on V-day. It was his gift from Riley and I. When I first told him he could go, it was going to be from noon till 6 then it was from noon to 8 and when his BFF came over to carpool to the game I found out the game went to 10pm! I still told him to go but I was pissed. R swears he didn't know it went so late and I do believe him but if you add up all the hours he has gone gaming since Riley's birth they strongly overshadow my measly 2 hours that ONE time!

And then there was the Baby Yoga fiasco, okay fiasco is to strong of a word. I have been going to a local baby yoga class for a few weeks now. Riley LOVES it. He loves the other kids and the teacher. Plus I am learning a lot and it helps me with stuff to do with him. I told Ryon I wanted him to come with yesterday, and he said no. I was crushed so I spent a few hours working on him telling him it would mean a lot to me. Finally agreed to go, but then at class he didn't want to do the fun faces or talk to him. I had to nudge him twice just to get him to do the words with the motions. Grrrr. In the end I think he learned a few things, but it was like pulling teeth and I know he won't be going again.

Over all I am grateful to have such a wonderful husband who loves Riley and I and would do just about anything for us. The good out weigh the bad every day of the week and I find myself to in the lucky group of women who has a husband who actually participates in parenting rather than just helping out mom. I am truly blessed.

Dr visits for both ot us

2009-02-17T16:54:00.001-08:00

Today was a LONG day, R had taken the day off since it was Riley's well baby visit and 1st set of shots. This weekend I started coming down with the sniffles, which last night turned into a cold. Boo, I hate being sick but being sick with a baby so much worse. Of course I realize I am also lucky because so far Riley isn't sick and since I am BFing he is getting all my good antibodies so if he does get sick supposedly it won't be as bad.

I had planned for weeks to go to Baby Yoga with R today because he really needs some practice with age appropriate interactions. He is great with Riley don't get me wrong but some times his interaction style leaves a little to be desired. Like when they sit in front of the TV and R tells him about politics, but at least they are interacting and in truth Riley doesn't know the difference if we talk to him about baseball, politics, daily life or any other subject. Well Baby Yoga went well. R didn't get into it quite as much as I had hoped but oh well, at least he tried it.

Then we went to the all evil K.ai.ser for both a Dr appointment for me and then one for him. My appointment was just for the cold and like I thought, it is just a regular cold. So I am stuck feeling misreble because the only thing a BFing mom can take (that will help my particular cold) is Rob.itus.sin DM and that drys up your milk. I am going to take it only at night and see how bad it hurts my supply. If I can take it and still BF then I will but BFing comes first. I will suffer through the cold if I have to, I won't be happy about it but I will do it.

Next we so Dr Wonderful (Riley's pedi), I must admit if I was allowed a 2nd husband I would chose him, despite the fact that he is taken and has a wonderful 4 year old with his partner.

You will all be happy to know Riley is doing well, I hesitate to say he is healthy because truth be told we are still battling the jaundice. If any of you out there have/had a baby with jaundice at 12 weeks could you leave a comment for me with a way of contacting you. Thanks.

Because of the jaundice we are now looking at a consult with a gastro dr, and we had another blood draw to check levels. I hate needles but watching your kid get poked and having him scream is so much worse!

Other than the jaundice he is doing well and Dr wonderful is thrilled with him, called him a happy baby, and very alert. Ya!

For the record Riley is now measuring:
Weight: 12lbs 12.8 oz (64%)
Height: .597m or 1' 11.5" (59%)
Head size 38.7cm (14%)

After a quick run to the pharmacy we headed home... 4 hours later! We are now home and I am off to bed. I will update again and next time I promise pictures.

Happy Valentines Day

2009-02-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

This year Ryon gave me the best gift I could have asked for, while driving in the car he told me he loved his son more than he thought he could. It nearly brought tears to my eyes. I knew R loves Riley but to hear him say it melted my heart. R is really falling into his role as parent and loving it and so am I.

Hope all of you have a wonderful day with your loved ones.

He is sleeping again!

2009-02-10T07:42:00.000-08:00

He slept 5 hours then 4.5 hours last night! Woke up at 7 for a diaper change, feeding and a few moments of fussy time before going back to sleep for another hour! WOOO HOOOO!

Good News all Around

2009-02-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

It was a busy day today between the U/S our appt with the lady from Le Lechea League and our first Mommy Baby music class but it was all worth it because. EVERYTHING went great.

U/S reveled normal hips!!! Ya no leg braces needed!

BFing is going better thanks to a nice LLL leader who did a home visit with us. Riley of course fed perfectly for her but she gave us some good tips and they are helping a lot.

He slept really well today and he seems to sleep better at night if he sleeps well during the day. I will let you guys know if he sleeps really well tonight or not. Either way I can handle up every 4 hours if continues to not scream at the breast during feedings.

So that is the update. We are still fighting the jaundice but that make take a lot longer to reslove.

Oh and my little man is a MAMMOTH! He weighs 12lbs 15oz today and is only 2 months old!

2 Months Old

2009-02-08T18:13:00.001-08:00

Our little guy is two months old now! I can't believe how the time has flown by, where did it all go? I have to say that even with his recent issues: reflux, biting while nursing, jaundice, lack of sleep, I love him more and more every day. Just when I think I love him as much as a person can he looks up and smiles at me and my heart swells a little bit more.

That isn't to say the sleep and feeding issues aren't killing us. I have thought about quitting BFing three of four times in the last few days. He isn't feeding well which means he isn't sleeping well. Tonight we are going to try something new and feed him a bottle of BM from when he was born to see if it helps. You are probably thinking why would that help. Well my hope is that since that BM has a ton of fat it will help him sleep better. At this point I am willing to try anything to get some sleep better so we can sleep better.

Speaking of sleep, he is sleeping in his own room for both nights and overnight! Shannon and Holy you guys should be proud, I only go in to check on him 4-10 times a night. ;)

Tomorrow Riley has an ultrasound to check for hip displasia, and while I am fairly sure he will be fine I wouldn't mind a prayer or two. I don't want to add hip braces to our mounting pile of crap we have to deal with. We are also finally going to be SEEN by someone for the BFing issues. After speaking with two Lactation Consultants last week but neither being able to see me I decided to call Le Leche League to be seen through them. I really hope they can help us.

I will update you about it all tomorrow.

A day at the park.... with Momzilla

2009-02-03T14:57:00.000-08:00

Coming2Terms blogger has a term for those annoying self involved "Look at me" mommies of the world, she calls them Momzilla. You know who they are, self involved, self-centered and can't put them self in other people's shoes. They embody the opposite of those traits we as mothers try to teach our children: caring, respect, sharing.

Today I ran into one of those momzillas. I was wearing Riley in his sling and pushing my niece on the swing when her friend's child climbed on the swing next to us.
"I can't believe my sister-in-law" she complained loudly "she isn't coming to my baby shower." There is some debate even in the IF community on if it is okay to not go to a loved one's baby shower, but most people agree it is about self comfort. However this women wasn't having her first child she was having her THIRD, and the other two are not out of diapers yet! Momzilla went onto talk about how her SIL had had a m/c at X-mas and that she was using it as an excuse to not go.

I wanted to reach over and slap this woman and simultaneously hug her poor sister in law. What kind of woman wouldn't feel some kind of compassion for her SIL? I am not saying this woman can't be hurt because her SIL isn't coming but as the conversation went on it became obvious it wasn't about the presence of her SIL but the gift. "She probably won't even get us a gift, because going into babies r us is to hard for her".

This woman wins a Momzilla award for her lack of compassion, I can only hope her childen's father can teach them about empathy for others.

The things you give up

2009-02-02T20:16:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I gave up chocolate because it was keeping Riley up at night. It was hard but to be honest not as hard as people might think. While I do crave it at times, as long as it isn't in the house I can resist. When I gave it up I often told people that while it was hard to give up I could think of much harder things to have to give up, like breathing, walking, or dairy. Yes dairy is ranked up there with breathing in my book. Why? Because I live on yogurt, milk and cheese as a main source of protein.

I have watched in awe as friends have given up the liquid goodness of milk because their child has reflux and thought many times that I couldn't imagine having to give it up myself. Many nights I will have milk and graham crackers as a snack before bed that on top of the two glasses with dinner, the grilled cheese for lunch and the glass of milk in the am I have with my breakfast.

But....

I would do anything for my son. Run into a burning building to save him: anything. And it looks like that is going to include giving up dairy for a while. The pedi says we can start with just milk, and give up that first. If that doesn't help then I will need to give up all dairy. This on top of him getting meds three times a day. Yes my son has reflux, it is a new development one I thought we had been blessed not to get, but according to the pedi reflux can happen suddenly at this age, grrrrr.

I have to admit if it stops the screaming at the breast I will be fine with giving it up, that isn't to say it won't be hard, much harder than giving up the caffeine in chocolate. But the sacrifice will be worth it, because it is much harder to watch my son scream in pain than it is to give up dairy.

Badges of Motherhood

2009-02-02T08:08:00.000-08:00

Remember in Brownies or Girl Scouts how when you completed a project like camping you got a badge for it? Those badges were simbols of something to be proud of, a way of knowing who in the troup could do what, well I propose that motherhood should adopt some badges, not as a way of braging but as a form of respect. That way the next time a toddler is having a melt down in the resraunt rather than giving her the evil eye we can all look over and see her badges that explain her husband is in Iraq, and maybe we could all cut her some slack.

Women in general are fairly judgmental about each other and I have found that motherhood brings this out even more. Even though Riley is 8 weeks old now I still don't do my hair or make up but once a week, and normally only if I know the camera will be pointed in my direction. I wonder what the other mothers are thinking as they see us take our daily walks me in my workout pants and warm jacket with my hair pulled back, no make up to cover the bags under my eyes.

What if they could see that I was overcoming mastitis? Would they judge me as harshly then?

Would I be as quick to judge a mom with a screaming baby in a restaurant if I knew the baby had reflux? Probably not.

We all have our struggles in motherhood, some of us have children who have colic, or reflux, others are dealing with mastitis or clogged ducts. Some have unsupportive extended families, or family that lives to far away to help, while others might be having marital issues. We all could a little more empathy and a little less judgment when our child is acting out or crying, so why are we so quick to give the evil eye instead of a helping hand.

First Trip to the Zoo

2009-02-01T15:51:00.000-08:00

Saturday we went to the zoo with some online friends (nesties). R, Riley and I had such a good time not just seeing all the animals but hanging with our friends too. Days like this are the ones I dreamed of. I just love being Riley's mom. He is now smiling at me all the time. I feel like the center of his world, and everyone around me KNOWS he is the center of mine. It is the most amazing feeling to love someone this much.

For your viewing pleasure:

I would share some pics of the animals but wouldn't you rather see how cute my baby is? ;)

More sleep issues

2009-01-26T14:11:00.000-08:00

After a week of Riley having his nights and days mixed up, last Thursday night he slept 5 hours, BUT I only slept four of those because I came down with Mastitis. I woke up at 1 am with lots of breast pain and no matter how I tried to sleep I couldn't because any pressure on the breast hurt. The rest of the night I slept off and on in 15 minute stretches until I got a fever and chills. Thankfully I had my postpartum checkup Friday morning, and was dx with Mastitis. My mom came over to help with Riley since 4 hours of sleep isn't enough to function on with a newborn. She stayed till R got home from work and while I didn't sleep much I did get some rest.

He slept decent the next two nights and then had a bad one again. Then we had three good nights in a row but now we are back to having those awful wake periods again. I hate them!

Sleep seems to be our big issue right now. I want more of it and he is content with long wakeful periods at night. Thank god R is so good with him. I take the first part of them and then hand him over. I need my sleep! I then let R sleep in on the weekends so he can get an extra few hours.

At least he naps well! Last week we started him solely napping in his bassinet. I knew HE could do it but I wasn't sure about me. I liked having him close by, it eased my mind, but I also knew I couldn't let him get used to the bouncer, as someone (aka Holly) pointed out in my last post about sleep. In my defense (not that I need to defend myself) we don't use the vibration feature on the bouncer and he sleeps at an incline already so the the bouncer and bassinet aren't that different.

Our next transition will be into his crib, everyone says I will sleep better with him in the other room but I am not sure that is going to be true. I have a feeling my anxiety will creep up causing me to get less sleep. For now we are content with the small steps we are making. I am hopeful that tonight we will break the wakeful period trend with a car ride or extra long feeding. I think food might be part of the issue with him waking up. After all he isn't used to going for 4-5 hours without a boob in his mouth.

Our GREEN Baby

2009-01-26T13:58:00.001-08:00

Today is our first day in cloth diapers. Yes that is right fokes Riley is a green baby and loving it. we had decided before birth to wait till Riley was 8-10 pounds to cloth diaper. I figured this would give us a week or two to get settled in at home before starting them. Then he was early, and I had PPD so we put it off a little more. Then at 5 weeks two days before we planed on starting them the washer broke. It is my mom's washer that broke but because we use her washer and dryer it still meant another delay. It took a week to fix the washer and then another week because of some sleep issues and mastitis (more on that in a different post). So today at 7 weeks Riley is in cloth diapers. For now we are just doing cloth during the day. I am using prefolds because they are cheap and have some Bum Ge.nius diapers for when we go out. I would love to use BG all the time but at 20 dollars each I feel it is more fiscally responsible to use the prefolds too.

So far Riley hasn't had any issues adjusting to them. I on the other hand, well lets just say the learning curve with cloth prefolds is steep. It took me almost 3 minutes to get the first one on, and I didn't shave much time off with the second one either. This isn't to say cloth diapering is hard, it just takes a little practice is all.

Here is a picture of our little green baby for everyone's enjoyment:

He is getting really big isn't he!?!

Who wants pictures???

2009-01-15T17:02:00.000-08:00

R and I took Riley to JC Penny to get photos done last weekend. It went well and our little guy was so good for the camera, those are my genes because R hates getting his photo taken. Here are a few of my favorite ones.

Night is day and day is night

2009-01-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

As a child my mom told me a lot how as a newborn when I would wake up in the middle of the night she would put me in the car seat and drive around town to get me back to sleep. I never thought I would be doing the same thing!

When good friends of ours A and S bought their son a crib rocker and A would wear their son in the Moby so they could get more sleep, I wanted to roll my eyes at them. Holding a sleeping baby, I thought to myself, I won't ever do that. Yesterday Riley napped in my baby Katan wrap.

Sleep has become the precious commodity that R and I trade. He takes Riley at 1 am when he has been getting up and staying up for up to 3 hours the last few nights, and I do all the changes and feeds by myself.

This week Riley has gotten his days and nights mixed up. Thus he is VERY cranky durring the day and awake at night and in the early am. It has been really hard on both R and I and we have been quite grouchy and short with each other. Last night I decided that if Riley was going to wake up and stay up that then he and I would go for a drive to get him back to sleep. His wakeful periods at night were causing very fussy LONG days, and I knew I couldn't take another day where he had to be held while he slept. The drive worked and so far today he has been a happy baby, and is once again sleeping in the bouncer. Ya! I am hopeful that tonight will be better, but if he does demand to be awake at night then into the car we will go. Wish us luck!

Birth Story

2009-01-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

I finally wrote my birth story! Here it is:

Short Story:

Water broke unexpectedly 16 hours after my version to flip baby from breech position. He did flip during the version and thus we tried to continue with our unmediated birth plan. However the cards were stacked against us because at 36 weeks 1 day my cervix was shut tight and not effaced at all, and I didn't have any contractions on my own. We ended up with every medical intervention and in the end I had a c-section.

I have this moment right before the c-section where I realize that Riley and my body know it is too early to be born. My body is doing what it thinks is best for the baby and trying to keep him inside. I find a peaceful place with needing the c-section. I may need help getting pg, I may need help getting the baby out, but I grow healthy babies. This becomes my mantra, and has stayed my mantra about my reproductive health.

Funny thing about my labor and delivery, NOTHING went the way I wanted it till my c-section. Because he was breech I had thought a lot about how I wanted the c-section to go if I needed it. I had a list of requests for the nurses and Dr, in the case of a c-section. I got EVERYTHING on my list during my c-section. Riley wasn't ever taken out of the room, I didn't have my arms tied down, I breast feed with in 30 minutes and so much more. I didn't get the birth I wanted but I got the best c-section!

Long story:
First the version:

The night before my version I didn't sleep well. I couldn't eat after midnight and because I was pg and thus hungry all the time I woke up at 4 am starving and didn't get back to sleep.

At 9 am we went into the DR. They monitored me on an NST machine and Riley looked great. He was doing well but they needed him to move a little more so the nurse put this buzzer to my belly. It didn't hurt at all just scared Riley into moving more. My Dr ended up needing to use this same buzzer during the version and I am so glad I got to feel it before hand otherwise I might have tensed up when we had the version.

With the NST over the DR came in and we checked fluid levels, mine were great. We also checked on cord position and where my placenta was, both looked good. They gave me the shot to relax my uterus and after 3 minutes I still didn't feel the heart pounding sensation they said I would. They decided to start the procedure and tipped me back so that my head was below my hips.

I had been hoping that DH could hold my hand through this but he couldn't, he stood to the side while the Dr and the nurse put their hands on my belly and turned him. It did hurt but only as much as Riley trying to turn on his own. The Dr got him almost completely flipped but Riley's leg was stuck, they used the buzzer on him and he pulled it out and flipped the rest of the way!

First words out of my mouth were "Good Job Riley!" I had known he could flip and was right about something being stuck. At this same moment my heart began to race, the drug they had given me kicked into full effect AFTER the procedure! I was so happy that I didn't care. Riley and I were monitored again for about 20-30 minutes. After that we were let go, and told to go walk to help him settle into my pelvis.

It was uneventful till...16 hours later at 3:45 am my water broke.

BIRTH STORY

3:45 am Dec 6th I woke up to what I thought was just a little unine leaking out. I had yet to have this happen in pg, but I figured the new position of the baby was causing pressure in new areas. I went to the bathroom and LOTS of liquid came out. I started to wonder if this was my water breaking, but told myself I was only 36 weeks and thus it couldn't be.RIGHT? I went back to bed and as I layed down more liquid came out, this time I woke up Ryon. I still wasn't sure it was my water breaking because when I stood and did a kegel it would stop. Ryon woke up and instead it was pee. I came to bed again and the same thing happened. Now I knew it was my water and I began to panic. Our Dr had warned us Riley could turn back on his own with out me knowing it. I got out the Doppler (yes I have my own) and found the heartbeat down below my belly button, a good sign that he was still head down. The week before I had had many dreams about a prolapsed cord, so while Ryon called the hospital I convinced myself that Riley was okay.

Ryon called Kaiser Walnut Creek and they were full with people waiting in triage. We had to go out to Antioch! This would be a 45 minute drive even at this time of night. I hadn't yet packed my hospital bag, but grabbed my camera and extra set of batteries and off we went to get my mom.

On the car ride to the hospital I continued to gush water. I couldn't believe how much water there was! I started to go into denial about what was happening. I must have said over 100 time "but I have 4 more weeks left"

We got to the hospital and I was quickly checked in. They strapped me to the monitor and both baby and I were fine although I wasn't having any contractions. Riley was still head down! When they told me they were admitting me I asked them to make sure my water really had broken. The nurse assured me it had but ran the test anyway. It was +, my water had broken. Again I told everyone that this couldn't be happening, I wasn't ready and at 36 weeks gestation neither was he.

After I got settled in my room Ryon and I walked the halls. Because I hadn't had a GBS test done and my water had broken I needed the antibiotics, we called my IV pole my pole of power. We walked and walked and walked and walked for 3 hours. At 6am I needed a nap, Ryon mom and I all tried to sleep.

At 8 am I got up and walked more. Nothing helped start my contractions and by 10 am I knew we would need the pit. I was still determined to go pain med free, but needed some time to let it sink in that Riley was coming, whether I was ready or not. From 10 am to noon when we started the pit I visualized my ideal birth over and over and over again. I tried to emotionally come to terms with the reality that I would be having a pre-term baby and losing 4 weeks of pg. I wondered if I had enjoyed it enough, if I had cherished all the moments of him growing inside me. Eventually I felt like I had come enough to terms to start the pit.

1ish maybe 2 We started the pit, and by 4 pm I was breathing trough the contractions. I would get though them one at a time. Ryon and my mom were amazing coaches giving me all the had to help me through. I needed a lot of help, breathing through them. Riley tolerated the contractions beautifully but we had a really hard time keeping him on the monitor. Since I was on Pit I had to be on the monitor all the time. Emotionally I was okay with this because fetal death was such a HUGE fear of mine this whole time.

I labored till 8pm before they placed the internal monitor. I was not happy about this. I was so worried it would hurt him. This may have been my hardest concession in labor because it was something that I knew could cause HIM pain.

Some time around 10 pm I get checked, I am 4cm. I want the epidural but hold out till 12:30 when I get checked again and am still 4 cm, I break down and get the epidural. Emotional I am exased, I haven't slept since my water broke and the day before had little sleep due to concerns over the aversion. The epidural man is really nice and doesn't make Ryon or mom leave the room. I tell my mom how sorry I am for letting her down, for letting myself down. I really wanted and tried to go with out it but couldn't. Everyone tell me how strong I am and how proud they are, but I still feel very defeated. My midwife holds me and the epidural doesn't hurt. I stay really really still during it just like they tell me too and everything goes well despite my fear of needles.

The epidural works and I try to rest mean while they bump the pit WAY up.

3am I am shaking during contractions and having to breath through them again. We turn the epidural up, still no help and the epidural has cause my blood pressure to plummet. Riley is still doing great, but they are concerned about me, so they give me meds to increase my BP. About an hour latter the contractions are causing the top of my
stomic to contract pulling me into a ball. I can't control it, no matter how hard I try. The midwife needs to see how strong my contractions are because on the monitor they aren't close or long enough but I can't tolerate an increase in Pit.

We get the monitor in and find that my contractions at quad peaking off the charts but only 40 seconds long. I am also still only 4 cm. I labor till 7 am when another check shows I am still 4 cm dilated. They can't turn up the pit, and I can't labor like this much longer, it is time to consider a c-section. My midwife assures me I did EVERYTHING I could to do this vaginally. I am very upset about the c-section but I also know in my heart that my body isn't ready to let the baby come out.

I have this moment where I realize that Riley and my body know it is too early to be born. My body is doing what it thinks is best for the baby and trying to keep him inside. I find a peaceful place with needing the c-section. I may need help getting pg, I may need help getting the baby out, but I grow healthy babies. This becomes my mantra, and has stayed my mantra about my reproductive health.

8:37am Riley is born. He is PINK! All the Drs and nurses comment about how pink he is, but it takes me a while to realize that this is a good thing. His Apgar scores are 7 and then 9. I am able to "hold" him within moments of birth. I kiss his whole body, and then he goes back to the warmer. He weighs 6 pounds 13 oz! I tell myself again my mantra. He is healthy and that is what matters most!

As I get put back together I have a little break down, and start asking all kinds of questions to the Drs. They have to give me a little something so that I shut up, but they only give me 1/8th of a dose so I won't forget anything.

Per my request Riley doesn't leave the c-section room, and when he does it is because I am going to recovery. They put him on my chest to go to recovery! I was getting my skin to skin bonding time less than 20 minutes after birth! Ya something finally went RIGHT!

In recovery Riley gets a bath with both of us there, I also learned to breast feed. Dallas went home and after an hour in recovery I get to go to the mom and baby side of things. We are now a family of THREE!

Funny thing about my labor and delivery, NOTHING went the way I wanted it till my c-section. Because he was breech I had thought alot about how I wanted the c-section to go if I needed it. I had a list of requests for the nurses and Dr, in the case of a c-section. I got EVERYTHING on my list during my c-section. Riley wasn't ever taken out of the room, I didn't have my arms tied down, I breast feed with in 30 minutes and so much more. I didn't get the birth I wanted but I got the best c-section!

After Birth Recovery

Ryon and I went home with Riley three days after birth and PPD hit me HARD the first night home but once the meds kicked in I have been doing much much better. C-section recovery wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but it DOES suck.